Archive for the ‘Paranoia’ Category

It’s Gonna be a Rough Day

Hubster sent me to bed, determined to let me catch som e sleep son e I return to work today. And the man tried, he really did. I can only assume Seedling is having one helluva growth spurt. It started a few days back, being fussy in the evenings. But it’s slowly
progressed. Tonight it was inconsolable screaming. As in “the zombies are eating my brains, WTF aren’t you people going anything to stop this torture?!?!”

So 3am Hubster came and got me. I hadn’t slept much, hard to ignore those kinds of sounds coming from your child. He looked like he’d been through hell. I sent him to bed and was able to finally console her with nursing. (Which lately nursing had been pissing her off – she’s been preferring the infinitely easier to eat bottle. But this morning? It is apparently the magical love of get life. Whatever works! Right?)

Crying alone I can take – but I can’t shake this anxiety that its more than the “6 week growth spurt”. What if something is wrong? Really wrong? What if there is some underlying health problem, that could prove fatal?

What if I gave birth just to lose another child?


Later today I will return to work. When I think about it as just this one day… It’s not so bad. My mom is going to come over and watch Seedling on Fridays. My mom – for all our issues and drama – has been amazing. She has come and helped me, sometimes at a moments notice, driving out in heavy traffic and heavier rain. I don’t know how we would have survived without her. So long story short – I know Seedling will be in great hands. I don’t worry that something bad will happen. I worry that something good, significant will happen, and I will miss it. That I will miss out on smiles, on her grabbing my finger, on her coos and cuddles. What if I miss her first rolling over, or her first real crawl? What if I miss her first really big, hearty laugh? It’s selfish, is what it boils down to.

So I’m crazy, right? As in, clinically insane. I’m struggling with a child who is displaying and more signs of colic every day, a child who is physically and emotionally exhausting myself and Hubster – yet the thought of being gone brings me to tears.

The hard parts… They are so very hard. But the good parts? Pure fairy magic. I wouldn’t miss out on the good stuff for anything.

But it’s going to be a rough day. Seedling is currently sleeping, drifting off from nursing, nuzzled to my left bosom. She’s one overtired infant. With a penchant for waking up inconsolable. Hubsters plans to give me sleep have failed. Hello sleep deprived mommy. Add on the emotions of returning to work. And, of course, my job isn’t exactly all sunshine and roses – there will be the dick clients that feel the need to take out their issues on me.

And then I get to get up and do it again on Saturday. Because, of course, I’m not just returning to work for one day and calling it quits.

So I get on WordPress. I pour out my worries, my stress, my exhaustion. I rock my now-sleeping babe. I pray for strength and forgiveness. Because its all I know how to do in times like this.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy in me, a sinner.


We Interrupt your regularly Scheduled Programming for This Report:

I think I have literally been up to pee every half hour this evening since going to bed, and I am pretty sure I just passed my mucus plug (thank you google images for having something to compare that thumb-tip-sized glob to) no pink or red to it, perfectly clear.

According to more Doctor Google/ “Labor could be hours, days, or even weeks away…” But I’m still feeling like this is a big deal. Coupled with the sporadic Braxton Hicks I have been able to feel today (similar to a subtle period cramps, achy in quality) I’m guessing we won’t actually make it to January as I have so very long predicted/hoped.

Oh Seedling, please wait until after Wednesday. Hubster’s back is out (as in, can barely walk, cannot bend over, and would be of very little physical help in labor) and he couldn’t see his Chiropractor until Wednesday… We missed church today because of it and have already decided he will not be joining me at my parents homes tomorrow because he is in just too much pain.

Ok. I need to get some sleep!

So maybe I really do need to slow down…

Well, Seedling decided to give me a teeny tiny scare. I was at work, and noticed suddenly some bright spots in my vision. I’ve had them once or twice before when getting in the shower, and figured maybe I should call my doctor… It didn’t last very long but I figured it was worth checking… Mostly I just wanted to be told that I was fine! But nope, I was advised to go to the hospital.

Well, I don’t work in the same city as my hospital so I had a moment of panic “where IS the closest hospital???” But of course I wasn’t supposed to drive so my very sweet coworker volunteered to drive me. As she is driving I call Hubster to let him know what happened and where we are headed. (Keeping in mind I work about 30-45 minutes from where we live…)

Coworker drops me off at the ER. She offered to walk me in but I pretty much felt fine aside from nerves so I told her I would be ok. So I walk in, check in, they insist I have to take a wheelchair up to the maternity floor… *grumble grumble* I think it’s always hard for people in the medical field to be patients. I’m used to being the one helping, not sitting in a wheelchair while some sweet old guy pushes me! Especially because I feel fine!

Get into the maternity ward, and I get THE COOLEST NURSE EVER. Super cool and laid back, really helped ease the nerves in my tummy. She put the monitor on my belly and took my blood pressure. Pressure was slightly elevated, but nothing serious (especially since most people get it elevated just from the nerves if coming to the hospital) and Seedling had really great heart rate. I had some very mild Braxton Hicks showing, but I couldn’t really feel anything and the nurse couldn’t palate them. Anyway, within an hour it was determined that I was fine. Maybe I stood up too quickly or something like that? If it happens again, have a headache, pain on the right around my liver I’m supposed to come back.

So here I sit in the waiting room, waiting for poor Hubster to come and get me since my car is back at work! It all just feels kind of silly and stupid… But it was really nice to listen to Seedlings heartbeat and know that everything really is ok.

Why do I have a feeling I’m going to be getting lectures from friends and family that I need to “slow down! You’re 8 months pregnant! Stop acting like you can do everything!”? … Lol. Oh right, because Hubster tells me that almost every day…

Thoughts on October 15th…

I know that I should be doing some big post on here and in facebook about Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day, but I can’t help but feel like… It’s all just a little forced.

I live my history of infertility and miscarriage every day. When it is on my mind particularly heavy I write about it and talk about it… But it just seems like my mind has been in other places. And so to write about it wouldn’t be genuine. My mind has been on… Work. Radar. Trying to prepare for this baby (and silently panicking about all the things we haven’t done yet or don’t own yet).

The child I lost… I will never forget. And I will always love. I wish this baby I carry today would be coming into a world with an older brother or sister, eager to be a “big helper”. But no amount of wishing it will change that.

What has really been on my mind? Basically, all the movement I feel has been low. And, only one person has been able to feel her movements. Hubster. Twice. Part if it is that she just doesn’t do repetitive harsh jabs in the same spot, giving me time to usher someone over. I can’t help but wonder… Is it because I started this pregnancy overweight? I mean, obviously I have a layer of fat between womb and skin that a healthy-BMI pregnant lady doesn’t have. Would I be more aware if I was skinnier? Would people – my friends and family – be able to be more involved and feel the baby if I was skinnier? Or is this baby just really mellow? Any input from my friends who were a little heavier in their pregnancies? I just feel like I’m missing out on some really fun experiences because no one can feel my belly? I don’t know why this is upsetting me so much, but I am welling up about this just writing about it! Does that just sound stupid???

Tidal Wave

Just what’s been on my mind today:

I’m 25 weeks.  And all I hear anymore (I love how complete strangers at the grocery store feel the need to comment!) is how I’m almost to the third trimester, and when I hit it I wont have ANY energy… and it feels like this tidal wave looming in front of me, because by the time I’m done at work I can barely keep my eyes open to drive home, I can’t imagine being ever MORE tired.

And I know stressing about it wont change anything.  For a receptionist position, I’m on my feet A LOT, and maybe it’s all in my head, but today I felt like my belly was particularly “heavy” and was taking any excuse I could find to sit down…  But I also know that no matter how exhausted I get, I’m going to find some way to keep on pushing through.

And on that note, it’s 4:30pm, I’m going to make some dinner, walk the dogs and go to bed so I can get up and open tomorrow.  Hoping to catch up on blogs and whatnot later in the week!

Burnout, Beaches and Babies, Oh My!

Ok, first let me say that everything is okay. Exhaustion does crazy things to one’s brain chemistry (it’s true, you can ask any Psych Student) and so in the light of day, I can see how my acceptable-level-of-concerns skyrocketed to I’m-freaking-out-like-it’s-an-alien-attack. My apologies to all of you!

So, I finally fell asleep sometime about 4 in the morning or so… Alarm went off at 8am. Hubster and I got up and did the morning-routine thing, but of course I was sucking at sitting patiently at home so we left with more than enough time to get to the clinic that was performing the scan. And all that meant was that I had to sit patiently in the waiting room of the clinic… but that seemed much less stressful.

Got called back by a very professionally nice ultrasound tech. She would explain what we were looking at “This is the head. Now we’re looking at the heart, and now the heart flow…” No excessive chit chat, which was fine. We just held hands and stared intently at the screen. No video (POO!) but I’ve got some photos at the end for y’all. She asked if we wanted to find out the sex, and we said ONLY if she got a REALLY clear shot. Which I think she appreciated, as well as some of our tension-relieving comments. (For example, when she was measuring the head and said “Now I’m measuring different parts of the brain, I said “Yay, our baby has a brain!” *facepalm at my stupidity*) ***Gender revealing photo at the END of the post*** Then Doctor M came in. She was so bubbly and warm and genuinely excited for us and for our baby. She went through all the pictures, and I asked a few questions of what exactly a light or dark spot was (What I can I say, the mom in me was worried about there being some random abnormality.) she was VERY excited about us working with Midwife N, and it sounds like she knows her really well. The doctor said a few times how lucky we were to be working with her. I could have totally hugged the woman 🙂 and when we mentioned we tend to be paranoid because of our previous miscarriage she asked a few questions about that. I was just really amazed that she didn’t seem rushed or anything, we really had her undivided attention. Can’t say enough about how really great the experience was. Everything looked good; brain, heart, spine, no cleft palate, heart rate 135, in the 65 percentile of growth, looking to be on the “tall” side. CAN NOT PRAISE GOD ENOUGH FOR THIS AMAZING BLESSING!!!!

So Hubster drove from there to our monthly meeting with Midwife N. (I wanted him to drive, so he would start getting to know how to get there, so the drive seems routine when I’m in labor! – Plus it gave me the opportunity to call the close family and friends we wanted to give the health and gender news to directly.) The meeting went well, got the card of the woman whom she recommends we take the birth class with. I guess her classes fill up fast, so she said to make contact with her soon. She listened to the heartbeat a la doppler (134 bpm to her count) and measured my uterus (exactly 20 cm! Although I’m just 19 weeks 1 day.) She said I’ve gained 11 pounds in the pregnancy so far which is exactly normal. She said that I should only gain another 10 in the 2nd half, but many women gain 20 or more so we went over how my eating has been going, just to stay on track. Since I way myself almost every day, it’s easy for me to track “trends” (am I a little heavier one day just because I ate something salty last night, or is this going up a little every day and I need to be more aware of what I’m eating and my activity?) and she was really impressed with how well it’s all been going. And I asked her if there was anything I could do about the insomnia, and she said it was safe for me to take uni.som. I found some at the store that’s labeled as “natural uni.som” so that made me feel a little better. I don’t want to take it every night for the rest of the pregnany, but hopefully if I can take it a few nights this week that will just be enough to kick start my day/night cycles back into place.

Grabbed some lunch, the sleep aid and a few odds and ends at the grocery store on our way home. Vegged at home for a little while – we had thrown around a few girl names, but hadn’t had a serious descussion so Hubster was all gung-ho to do that. The name we had originally planned on usuing a long time ago… well, it’s a beautiful name, but the name has deep roots in pagan/wiccan mythology and lore, and we both felt we wanted to give our baby a name that was beautiful, unique AND really meant something to us. So we started by finding a website that lists all the Orthodox Saint names (by gender!) and slowly went down, making note of anything we liked. After some fine tuning we’ve ended up with 3, and then Hubster started to get overwhelmed and a little loopy and started throwing out ideas inspired by alcoholic beverages, so I closed the laptop and said it was time to get out of the house! There’s plenty of time to think about this, no need to rush into anything!

Then we took the dogs down to the beach. We were going to go to the one we usually go to, but the parking lot was SO crowded, we decided to try a different one. And low and behold it was practically barren (although this beach was significantly more rocky than the other one, so less comfortable to walk along and wade in the water, but I cooled off my feet while Glen and Emma waded, and Radar actually swam a little bit.) Then home, and Hubster heated up some homemade soup from the freezer (Hot soup on a hot day… delicious but perhaps not the wisest choice ever lol. However, all the meal options in the house were hot meals, so whatchya gonna do?)

And now I’m here, uploading photos from the day.

20120806-194937.jpgEmma on the top, Glen sniffing rocks on the bottom…

20120806-194958.jpgRadar after his swim…

20120806-195005.jpgEmma and Glen…. pretty sure they were trying to find dead, dried up baby crabs to eat…

20120806-195017.jpgGlen: “This place is too much fun!  Dried up seaweed, dead crabs, all sorts of icky and delicious things!”

20120806-195011.jpgThe view from the Cha.mbers Cre.ek Beach.  The faded light blue land in the distance is the Olym.pic Moun.tain Range.

And now: The long awaited ultrasound pictures!!!  19 weeks, 1 day!

Baby’s profile, waving a hand!

Another profile shot, I thought the Baby was sucking it’s thumb but the doctor said no, that it was more “blowing kisses” *heart melt*

Baby’s face from the front, top of head pointed to the right.  Baby was head down today… let’s hope it stays that way for the birth!

Full side shot.  Head to the right, bum to the left, back is along the bottom of the picture.

“Get outta here, this is my womb!”

“Seriously, you people need my shoe size already?

Bum to the left, legs at top and bottom – clearly SANS PENIS!  Why hello by lovely, beautiful, precious little baby girl!!!!!!!!  But this will not be some pink-girly-girl, this will be a camo-wearing, camping, hunting, horseback riding girl.  Hubster was SO certain it was a boy, it took about an hour for him to wrap his mind around the fact that it is a girl, but now he is all colors of excited, hyper and wiggling like a puppy.

Oh man, I’m going to have the be the disciplinarian, she already has him wrapped around her teeny tiny little finger.

And I wouldn’t have it any. other. way.

Totally and completely blissed out.  I can’t even adequately describe it.  I know exactly how amazing, lucky, and truly blessed we are, or how much I LOVE this little baby SO MUCH.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments on my previous post, and for all the posts over the years you have been a part of.  I can’t imagine having done this journey so far without you guys.

Another Wildly Popular “Insomnia” Post

Today, well, yesterday, I rushed from church as soon as it ended. Why? Because I had agreed to an earlier shift than normal at work. Why? Because I wanted to get done earlier. Why? Because I wanted to go to bed earlier than my usual 11 or 12. Why? Because our big mid-pregnancy scan is Monday. Early. And what happened? Excitement, nerves, jitters, and a sugar loaded bedtime snack (woops!) has given me one hell of a case of insomnia. With a mild side-dish of anxiety (although I’m keeping the panic attack at bay with breathing exercises) and a dollop of splitting-headache.

I haven’t felt a lot of movement. Just sorta-kinda-could-be’s of movement. Which means it could all just be in my head, and we are going to get heartbreaking news tomorrow. Hubster went to bed reassuring me that he felt everything would be just fine, which was soothing… But now he is asleep so the only company I have in the dark is my paranoia.

I’m so tired. I so need to sleep.

Oh. And I’m officially 19 weeks. Last week we began the drawn out process of buying up diapers for our cloth diaper stash. Which I’m simultaneously ecstatic about, and totally crushed that we may be looking at one more momento to be cried over if we get bad news tomorrow. But I’m gonna share it anyway, because I’m feeling a little loopy and crazy.


Listening to hymns, saying prayers… It helps. It’s just tough to combat the sugar high that is forcing my heart to gallop at racing speeds. Stupid pre-bed snack!!!