It’s Gonna be a Rough Day

Hubster sent me to bed, determined to let me catch som e sleep son e I return to work today. And the man tried, he really did. I can only assume Seedling is having one helluva growth spurt. It started a few days back, being fussy in the evenings. But it’s slowly
progressed. Tonight it was inconsolable screaming. As in “the zombies are eating my brains, WTF aren’t you people going anything to stop this torture?!?!”

So 3am Hubster came and got me. I hadn’t slept much, hard to ignore those kinds of sounds coming from your child. He looked like he’d been through hell. I sent him to bed and was able to finally console her with nursing. (Which lately nursing had been pissing her off – she’s been preferring the infinitely easier to eat bottle. But this morning? It is apparently the magical love of get life. Whatever works! Right?)

Crying alone I can take – but I can’t shake this anxiety that its more than the “6 week growth spurt”. What if something is wrong? Really wrong? What if there is some underlying health problem, that could prove fatal?

What if I gave birth just to lose another child?

…..

Later today I will return to work. When I think about it as just this one day… It’s not so bad. My mom is going to come over and watch Seedling on Fridays. My mom – for all our issues and drama – has been amazing. She has come and helped me, sometimes at a moments notice, driving out in heavy traffic and heavier rain. I don’t know how we would have survived without her. So long story short – I know Seedling will be in great hands. I don’t worry that something bad will happen. I worry that something good, significant will happen, and I will miss it. That I will miss out on smiles, on her grabbing my finger, on her coos and cuddles. What if I miss her first rolling over, or her first real crawl? What if I miss her first really big, hearty laugh? It’s selfish, is what it boils down to.

So I’m crazy, right? As in, clinically insane. I’m struggling with a child who is displaying and more signs of colic every day, a child who is physically and emotionally exhausting myself and Hubster – yet the thought of being gone brings me to tears.

The hard parts… They are so very hard. But the good parts? Pure fairy magic. I wouldn’t miss out on the good stuff for anything.

But it’s going to be a rough day. Seedling is currently sleeping, drifting off from nursing, nuzzled to my left bosom. She’s one overtired infant. With a penchant for waking up inconsolable. Hubsters plans to give me sleep have failed. Hello sleep deprived mommy. Add on the emotions of returning to work. And, of course, my job isn’t exactly all sunshine and roses – there will be the dick clients that feel the need to take out their issues on me.

And then I get to get up and do it again on Saturday. Because, of course, I’m not just returning to work for one day and calling it quits.

So I get on WordPress. I pour out my worries, my stress, my exhaustion. I rock my now-sleeping babe. I pray for strength and forgiveness. Because its all I know how to do in times like this.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy in me, a sinner.

We Interrupt your regularly Scheduled Programming for This Report:

I think I have literally been up to pee every half hour this evening since going to bed, and I am pretty sure I just passed my mucus plug (thank you google images for having something to compare that thumb-tip-sized glob to) no pink or red to it, perfectly clear.

According to more Doctor Google/http://www.americanpregnancy.org/labornbirth/mucusplug.html “Labor could be hours, days, or even weeks away…” But I’m still feeling like this is a big deal. Coupled with the sporadic Braxton Hicks I have been able to feel today (similar to a subtle period cramps, achy in quality) I’m guessing we won’t actually make it to January as I have so very long predicted/hoped.

Oh Seedling, please wait until after Wednesday. Hubster’s back is out (as in, can barely walk, cannot bend over, and would be of very little physical help in labor) and he couldn’t see his Chiropractor until Wednesday… We missed church today because of it and have already decided he will not be joining me at my parents homes tomorrow because he is in just too much pain.

Ok. I need to get some sleep!

So maybe I really do need to slow down…

Well, Seedling decided to give me a teeny tiny scare. I was at work, and noticed suddenly some bright spots in my vision. I’ve had them once or twice before when getting in the shower, and figured maybe I should call my doctor… It didn’t last very long but I figured it was worth checking… Mostly I just wanted to be told that I was fine! But nope, I was advised to go to the hospital.

Well, I don’t work in the same city as my hospital so I had a moment of panic “where IS the closest hospital???” But of course I wasn’t supposed to drive so my very sweet coworker volunteered to drive me. As she is driving I call Hubster to let him know what happened and where we are headed. (Keeping in mind I work about 30-45 minutes from where we live…)

Coworker drops me off at the ER. She offered to walk me in but I pretty much felt fine aside from nerves so I told her I would be ok. So I walk in, check in, they insist I have to take a wheelchair up to the maternity floor… *grumble grumble* I think it’s always hard for people in the medical field to be patients. I’m used to being the one helping, not sitting in a wheelchair while some sweet old guy pushes me! Especially because I feel fine!

Get into the maternity ward, and I get THE COOLEST NURSE EVER. Super cool and laid back, really helped ease the nerves in my tummy. She put the monitor on my belly and took my blood pressure. Pressure was slightly elevated, but nothing serious (especially since most people get it elevated just from the nerves if coming to the hospital) and Seedling had really great heart rate. I had some very mild Braxton Hicks showing, but I couldn’t really feel anything and the nurse couldn’t palate them. Anyway, within an hour it was determined that I was fine. Maybe I stood up too quickly or something like that? If it happens again, have a headache, pain on the right around my liver I’m supposed to come back.

So here I sit in the waiting room, waiting for poor Hubster to come and get me since my car is back at work! It all just feels kind of silly and stupid… But it was really nice to listen to Seedlings heartbeat and know that everything really is ok.

Why do I have a feeling I’m going to be getting lectures from friends and family that I need to “slow down! You’re 8 months pregnant! Stop acting like you can do everything!”? … Lol. Oh right, because Hubster tells me that almost every day…

Thoughts on October 15th…

I know that I should be doing some big post on here and in facebook about Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day, but I can’t help but feel like… It’s all just a little forced.

I live my history of infertility and miscarriage every day. When it is on my mind particularly heavy I write about it and talk about it… But it just seems like my mind has been in other places. And so to write about it wouldn’t be genuine. My mind has been on… Work. Radar. Trying to prepare for this baby (and silently panicking about all the things we haven’t done yet or don’t own yet).

The child I lost… I will never forget. And I will always love. I wish this baby I carry today would be coming into a world with an older brother or sister, eager to be a “big helper”. But no amount of wishing it will change that.

What has really been on my mind? Basically, all the movement I feel has been low. And, only one person has been able to feel her movements. Hubster. Twice. Part if it is that she just doesn’t do repetitive harsh jabs in the same spot, giving me time to usher someone over. I can’t help but wonder… Is it because I started this pregnancy overweight? I mean, obviously I have a layer of fat between womb and skin that a healthy-BMI pregnant lady doesn’t have. Would I be more aware if I was skinnier? Would people – my friends and family – be able to be more involved and feel the baby if I was skinnier? Or is this baby just really mellow? Any input from my friends who were a little heavier in their pregnancies? I just feel like I’m missing out on some really fun experiences because no one can feel my belly? I don’t know why this is upsetting me so much, but I am welling up about this just writing about it! Does that just sound stupid???

Tidal Wave

Just what’s been on my mind today:

I’m 25 weeks.  And all I hear anymore (I love how complete strangers at the grocery store feel the need to comment!) is how I’m almost to the third trimester, and when I hit it I wont have ANY energy… and it feels like this tidal wave looming in front of me, because by the time I’m done at work I can barely keep my eyes open to drive home, I can’t imagine being ever MORE tired.

And I know stressing about it wont change anything.  For a receptionist position, I’m on my feet A LOT, and maybe it’s all in my head, but today I felt like my belly was particularly “heavy” and was taking any excuse I could find to sit down…  But I also know that no matter how exhausted I get, I’m going to find some way to keep on pushing through.

And on that note, it’s 4:30pm, I’m going to make some dinner, walk the dogs and go to bed so I can get up and open tomorrow.  Hoping to catch up on blogs and whatnot later in the week!

Burnout, Beaches and Babies, Oh My!

Ok, first let me say that everything is okay. Exhaustion does crazy things to one’s brain chemistry (it’s true, you can ask any Psych Student) and so in the light of day, I can see how my acceptable-level-of-concerns skyrocketed to I’m-freaking-out-like-it’s-an-alien-attack. My apologies to all of you!

So, I finally fell asleep sometime about 4 in the morning or so… Alarm went off at 8am. Hubster and I got up and did the morning-routine thing, but of course I was sucking at sitting patiently at home so we left with more than enough time to get to the clinic that was performing the scan. And all that meant was that I had to sit patiently in the waiting room of the clinic… but that seemed much less stressful.

Got called back by a very professionally nice ultrasound tech. She would explain what we were looking at “This is the head. Now we’re looking at the heart, and now the heart flow…” No excessive chit chat, which was fine. We just held hands and stared intently at the screen. No video (POO!) but I’ve got some photos at the end for y’all. She asked if we wanted to find out the sex, and we said ONLY if she got a REALLY clear shot. Which I think she appreciated, as well as some of our tension-relieving comments. (For example, when she was measuring the head and said “Now I’m measuring different parts of the brain, I said “Yay, our baby has a brain!” *facepalm at my stupidity*) ***Gender revealing photo at the END of the post*** Then Doctor M came in. She was so bubbly and warm and genuinely excited for us and for our baby. She went through all the pictures, and I asked a few questions of what exactly a light or dark spot was (What I can I say, the mom in me was worried about there being some random abnormality.) she was VERY excited about us working with Midwife N, and it sounds like she knows her really well. The doctor said a few times how lucky we were to be working with her. I could have totally hugged the woman 🙂 and when we mentioned we tend to be paranoid because of our previous miscarriage she asked a few questions about that. I was just really amazed that she didn’t seem rushed or anything, we really had her undivided attention. Can’t say enough about how really great the experience was. Everything looked good; brain, heart, spine, no cleft palate, heart rate 135, in the 65 percentile of growth, looking to be on the “tall” side. CAN NOT PRAISE GOD ENOUGH FOR THIS AMAZING BLESSING!!!!

So Hubster drove from there to our monthly meeting with Midwife N. (I wanted him to drive, so he would start getting to know how to get there, so the drive seems routine when I’m in labor! – Plus it gave me the opportunity to call the close family and friends we wanted to give the health and gender news to directly.) The meeting went well, got the card of the woman whom she recommends we take the birth class with. I guess her classes fill up fast, so she said to make contact with her soon. She listened to the heartbeat a la doppler (134 bpm to her count) and measured my uterus (exactly 20 cm! Although I’m just 19 weeks 1 day.) She said I’ve gained 11 pounds in the pregnancy so far which is exactly normal. She said that I should only gain another 10 in the 2nd half, but many women gain 20 or more so we went over how my eating has been going, just to stay on track. Since I way myself almost every day, it’s easy for me to track “trends” (am I a little heavier one day just because I ate something salty last night, or is this going up a little every day and I need to be more aware of what I’m eating and my activity?) and she was really impressed with how well it’s all been going. And I asked her if there was anything I could do about the insomnia, and she said it was safe for me to take uni.som. I found some at the store that’s labeled as “natural uni.som” so that made me feel a little better. I don’t want to take it every night for the rest of the pregnany, but hopefully if I can take it a few nights this week that will just be enough to kick start my day/night cycles back into place.

Grabbed some lunch, the sleep aid and a few odds and ends at the grocery store on our way home. Vegged at home for a little while – we had thrown around a few girl names, but hadn’t had a serious descussion so Hubster was all gung-ho to do that. The name we had originally planned on usuing a long time ago… well, it’s a beautiful name, but the name has deep roots in pagan/wiccan mythology and lore, and we both felt we wanted to give our baby a name that was beautiful, unique AND really meant something to us. So we started by finding a website that lists all the Orthodox Saint names (by gender!) and slowly went down, making note of anything we liked. After some fine tuning we’ve ended up with 3, and then Hubster started to get overwhelmed and a little loopy and started throwing out ideas inspired by alcoholic beverages, so I closed the laptop and said it was time to get out of the house! There’s plenty of time to think about this, no need to rush into anything!

Then we took the dogs down to the beach. We were going to go to the one we usually go to, but the parking lot was SO crowded, we decided to try a different one. And low and behold it was practically barren (although this beach was significantly more rocky than the other one, so less comfortable to walk along and wade in the water, but I cooled off my feet while Glen and Emma waded, and Radar actually swam a little bit.) Then home, and Hubster heated up some homemade soup from the freezer (Hot soup on a hot day… delicious but perhaps not the wisest choice ever lol. However, all the meal options in the house were hot meals, so whatchya gonna do?)

And now I’m here, uploading photos from the day.

Emma on the top, Glen sniffing rocks on the bottom…

Radar after his swim…

Emma and Glen…. pretty sure they were trying to find dead, dried up baby crabs to eat…

Glen: “This place is too much fun!  Dried up seaweed, dead crabs, all sorts of icky and delicious things!”

The view from the Cha.mbers Cre.ek Beach.  The faded light blue land in the distance is the Olym.pic Moun.tain Range.

And now: The long awaited ultrasound pictures!!!  19 weeks, 1 day!

Baby’s profile, waving a hand!

Another profile shot, I thought the Baby was sucking it’s thumb but the doctor said no, that it was more “blowing kisses” *heart melt*

Baby’s face from the front, top of head pointed to the right.  Baby was head down today… let’s hope it stays that way for the birth!

Full side shot.  Head to the right, bum to the left, back is along the bottom of the picture.

“Get outta here, this is my womb!”

“Seriously, you people need my shoe size already?

Bum to the left, legs at top and bottom – clearly SANS PENIS!  Why hello by lovely, beautiful, precious little baby girl!!!!!!!!  But this will not be some pink-girly-girl, this will be a camo-wearing, camping, hunting, horseback riding girl.  Hubster was SO certain it was a boy, it took about an hour for him to wrap his mind around the fact that it is a girl, but now he is all colors of excited, hyper and wiggling like a puppy.

Oh man, I’m going to have the be the disciplinarian, she already has him wrapped around her teeny tiny little finger.

And I wouldn’t have it any. other. way.

Totally and completely blissed out.  I can’t even adequately describe it.  I know exactly how amazing, lucky, and truly blessed we are, or how much I LOVE this little baby SO MUCH.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments on my previous post, and for all the posts over the years you have been a part of.  I can’t imagine having done this journey so far without you guys.

Another Wildly Popular “Insomnia” Post

Today, well, yesterday, I rushed from church as soon as it ended. Why? Because I had agreed to an earlier shift than normal at work. Why? Because I wanted to get done earlier. Why? Because I wanted to go to bed earlier than my usual 11 or 12. Why? Because our big mid-pregnancy scan is Monday. Early. And what happened? Excitement, nerves, jitters, and a sugar loaded bedtime snack (woops!) has given me one hell of a case of insomnia. With a mild side-dish of anxiety (although I’m keeping the panic attack at bay with breathing exercises) and a dollop of splitting-headache.

I haven’t felt a lot of movement. Just sorta-kinda-could-be’s of movement. Which means it could all just be in my head, and we are going to get heartbreaking news tomorrow. Hubster went to bed reassuring me that he felt everything would be just fine, which was soothing… But now he is asleep so the only company I have in the dark is my paranoia.

I’m so tired. I so need to sleep.

Oh. And I’m officially 19 weeks. Last week we began the drawn out process of buying up diapers for our cloth diaper stash. Which I’m simultaneously ecstatic about, and totally crushed that we may be looking at one more momento to be cried over if we get bad news tomorrow. But I’m gonna share it anyway, because I’m feeling a little loopy and crazy.

Listening to hymns, saying prayers… It helps. It’s just tough to combat the sugar high that is forcing my heart to gallop at racing speeds. Stupid pre-bed snack!!!

Just. One. Step. At. A. Time.

Yesterday my cousin Blithe came down to visit.  We had brunch, then went to find a farmers market I had heard about… we couldn’t find the market, but we did enjoy a picturesque drive, and ended up strolling on a beach.  (The Northwest, pebbly kind.  Sandy beaches are a rarity around here.  Sitting on driftwood, looking out at the Puget Sound with the Olympic Mountains in the distance… puffy white clouds, loads of sunshine and over 70 degrees!  (Only the 5th time so far this month that we’ve hit that high of a temp!)

It was really great.  This was the first time he has made it down to our apartment, so getting to show him around was fun.  I was able to talk with him a little about what happened with my Aunt.  Since she is his Aunt too, he’s aware of some of the family intricacies.  So he was able to give some good insight, which really helped me to feel some closure on what happened.

He was also asking lots of really great questions about the pregnancy.  Usually, when people ask about the pregnancy I will keep answers brief, and change the subject.  I know that even those who haven’t struggled with infertility, find talking about pregnancy nonstop is really annoying.  So it was kind of bizarre that my attempts at changing the subject wasn’t working.  He was really, genuinely interested.  At one point he asked me if it was still unreal, that I was pregnant.  I paused, only to realize that my answer was “No.”  That’s not to say I feel like I have stopped being surprised, shocked, awed and thankful to be pregnant – but it feels real.  I know that I’m pregnant.  If I focus, I can feel my growing uterus above my pubic bone with my hands.  And God willing, if our pregnancy continues, that means that in roughly 6 months there is a baby coming, and I know that time will go quickly, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with everything there is to get done.

But being just past 12 weeks doesn’t guarantee us anything.  Beyond all the countless blogs I have read, the last several weeks have announced several complications in the pregnancies of people my in real life.  A couple weeks ago, it was the couple from our church who went into early labor, delivering their son at 23 weeks.  Miraculously he is still living, at the NICU of the most advanced hospital in Seattle.  But every day holds lots of hopes and fears for them.  Another couple from church, mother and baby were admitted to the hospital last night for low blood counts.  A priest and his wife of a neighboring parish were just given the news that their unborn child has delayed head growth, at what I can only assume was probably their 20 week ultrasound.  No one knows what this will mean for them.  All I can do is hold them in my prayers.

The only way I can get through the stresses, fears, anxiety… is to remind myself of Saint Herman of Alaska.  (Yes, there are contemporary saints.  He lived at the turn of the century, and was one of the first missionaries to North America)  His icon, always shows him holding a scroll:

On the scroll, it always states “From this day, from this hour, from this minute, let us strive to love God above all, and to fulfill His holy will!”  Instead of getting caught up in all the good and terrible thing that may be ahead of me weeks, months, years into the future I take a deep breath and remember that what I need to focus on is THIS day.  THIS hour.  THIS minute.

(I guess if you’re not religious, perhaps you would connect more with the classic comedy “What about Bob” and the philosophy of “baby steps”.  At the very least it may help you crack a smile!)

Bob has every kind of phobia… and in this movie he become incredibly attached to his therapist who wants nothing more than to keep things professional.  This little snippet doesn’t do the hilarity of the movie justice.  🙂

Summary of the Past Week

Alrighty, time to play catch up:

Last Friday we went into our “doctorly” appointment.  (It was with a midwife, but was at a Group Health center, with doctors right around the corner, so it was still very “medical”.)  My biggest fear was that there would be no heartbeat.  The midwife was very nice, chatted a bit about my history and current health, and stated that she thinks I’m in great health, and sees nothing that screams “high risk” about me.  We talked about my weight, and while she agreed I need to be careful, she was also very sensitive and realistic about the fact that I probably will gain more weight then I want to.  I actually liked her quite a bit!  (Unfortunately, Group Health never guarantees that you’ll have a specific person when you go into labor… we’re still trying to figure out a set midwife for us… more on that in another post)  So then she wheeled in a mini ultrasound machine, and put it up to my lower abdomen (Can I get a HUZZAH about graduating from the internal vaginal ultrasounds to external abdominal ultrasounds?!?!?!)  She located the uterus… and baby… and I didn’t see a heartbeat.  My heart plummeted, and I just told myself “I will not fall apart in the doctors office.  I will not fall apart in the doctors office!  I will NOT fall apart in the doctors office!!”  but then she said “There’s the heartbeat!”  And I (rather panickedly) said “I don’t see it!”  so she very patiently adjusted things a bit and pointed out the teeniest, tiniest flicker.
But it was a flicker.
A heartbeat.
(Hubster later boasted that he saw the heartbeat before she pointed it out.  Well, it’s harder to see the screen when you’re the one laying down!)  She very kindly printed out a few photos, and let us just sit and watch the ultrasound for a few minutes.  I know I welled up, but I don’t think I really cried.  Hubster said it was the happiest day of his life and he did cry.  The midwife told us that now that we’ve seen a heartbeat we only have a 5% chance of losing the pregnancy.  Which just seems weird. Really?  ONLY 5%????  Then why is it I know SO MANY women who have had late-term pregnancy loss????  I guess that’s the joy of running in the infertility community?

Well, after that appointment we had to run a few errands and then get home, load up the car and head out to go “camping”.  (Urban camping – my dad picked the site because he does “RV camping” so it’s the kind of place where the next campground is 5 feet away, there are bathrooms and showers… not exactly what I picture in camping…)  It was a good test run for a first camping trip of the season, getting to use our tent and sleeping bags and getting an idea of what we will want for future (more remote!) camping trips, and what was excessive that didn’t need to go.  (Can I just say on camping while pregnant: In the future we either need to be in a remote campsite where I can just go pee in the bushes, or we need to be RIGHT NEXT to the bathrooms, instead of a 5 minute walk from the bathrooms.  I felt like every 20 minutes I was walking to the bathrooms and that was annoying.)  After our ultrasound Hubster was so excited, he said he was going to tell his mom and didn’t care what she had to say, so I was really excited about that… except then we got so busy putting the camp site up, it didn’t happen.  I was so disappointed, I was trying to hold back tears.  Saturday morning I got a tad snarky with Hubster, until I realized why I was being so pissy and told him how I was feeling.  I think when he say me starting to cry he realized how important this all was, so he called – except of course his mom didn’t answer!  She did eventually call him back on Sunday and he told her the news… and as much I don’t want to say “I told you so”… she said she was excited and was very supportive!  It feels SO good to have everyone know and be excited with us.

So of course that meant we could finally announce it on facebook.  I know a lot of people stress and stress over facebook announcements… but I felt like waiting until a certain week wouldn’t really ensure we don’t lose it.  And I have all these thoughts and feelings and symptoms, I didn’t want to try and write cryptic messages.  This was what I wrote: “After 2 and a half years of infertility, treatments, and a miscarriage, (Hubster) and I are thrilled to be blessed with a pregnancy! We are 9 weeks along today, and got to see the heartbeat on Friday. Many thanks to all the support and prayers over the years, and to the time ahead of us!”

So I just put it out there, recognizing our struggles so that hopefully people would recognize that this pregnancy means something different to us then it does to the average person.  I hope that it was sensitive, I really tried to be humble and appreciative.  But I wasn’t going to hide it either.  That’s just not the kind of person that I am.  It was really wonderful to get all the feedback of people being excited for us.  We’ve always been pretty blunt about our infertility, so people were aware of our history and I think that makes a difference.

Or maybe I’m just imagining things?  My infertile friends – you be the judge!

We got back to town Monday afternoon.  While I loved spending time with my dad, 4 days with my stepmom and stepsister was just… a. bit. much.  Just little things that get really annoying… my stepsister is 11, but she technically has some developmental delays (although it’s not physically obvious, she doesn’t look “different”) so behaviorally she’s a few years younger.  Her home life is all sorts of messed up, and so I think she really clings to the idea of having family.  As in, she really loves the idea of having a big sister.  Which is fine, I’m all for that… but I wish she wasn’t quite so clingy.  And I really wish she would just call me by my name, as opposed to “sissy” *cringe*.  But it’s been going on so long at this point, and it would just completely crush her if I told her not to call me that, so I do my best to shrug it off.  Also, as an 11 year old, her body is starting to change… and I’m realizing it’s going to be up to me to teach her certain things.  Like how to itch herself, or adjust her bra, discreetly.  I don’t know if it’s because she get’s so little time with my stepmom, or if my stepmom never really learned how to address those topics (she raised herself from the age of 14 on the streets of LA – so she’s not always the most aware of social norms and subtleties)

Anyway, since getting back it’s just been a lot of hurry up and wait.  It seems like I will have a day with either a TON of stuff, or nothing.  And I’m not really sure how to balance things out better, I’m trying to do my best.  As much as being home alone sucks, I get totally drained if I’m out of the house all day too.  I know I have a lot of pets, but Hubster and I have been doing a lot to clean and organize and the place is looking pretty nice!  But my friends never seem to want to come over here.  They always want to meet me somewhere else, or have me over to their place… and while that can be nice, sometimes it gets to just be frustrating.  What’s going to happen when I do have a baby and it’s harder for me to get out of the house?  I know it’s convenient for all my friends for me to come to them, but it’s not always convenient for me to go to them.  And I really love hosting!  What’s a girl to do?

Ok, really, sorry for all the venting.  I’m doing my best to keep the pregnancy rages to a minimum.  Really.  Trying.  By and large I am happy, but the little things that have annoyed me in the past that were easier to brush off, are just really really annoying me these days.

And just to end on a warm and fuzzy note, is are the pictures from the ultrasound take last Friday, when I was 8 weeks, 5 days.  (Sorry, no video with the flickering heartbeat 😦  )

So much can change…

Well, in the last couple of days I:

Lost my job

and

Am still pregnant.

Yup.  Go ahead and take in that information for a second.

Friday I got called into work.  I normally have Fridays off and work Saturdays but they needed help on Friday and Saturday was going to be really slow, so they said come in Friday and have Saturday off.  I thought that was actually pretty cool because Jewel was having a party for her boyfriend’s birthday Friday evening and that meant I could actually go and not worry about staying up late with work on Saturday.  So I went into work, and everything went pretty routine.  My boss really appreciated me coming in, I told her it was no problem.  I did express that I have been having some faulty memory with the pregnancy, and have been doing my level best to write everything everything EVERYTHING down.  I knew that on Sunday I was scheduled for a “treatment day”.  That means the clinic is closed, but if there are animals boarding that need medicating a technician comes in to give it.  Well, sometimes depending on what the medication is (or if any medication is needed at all) the technician that day doesn’t actually have to come in.  As I recall, my boss and I had a conversation that since I didn’t work Saturday, I would call Saturday evening to see if I would need to come in Sunday.  Because on Friday it is hard to predict what may or may not come in on Saturday.  I knew there was an extremely dangerous dog in boarding that needed medicating, but it was well known that no one could actually handle him, his meds were thrown into his run in pill pockets for the dog to eat on his own.  So Saturday evening comes around and I call into work.  Now my boss (technically the clinic administrator) was not in, but I spoke with the head treatment technician, who consulted with the head doctor (and owner of the clinic) and they decided that I did not need to come in.  They said that the two animals that needed medicating could just be handed pill pockets by the kennel technicians.  So I did not go in on Sunday.  Sunday I come out of church to find multiple phone calls and a voice message from the kennel technician at work, wondering where I was.  I immediately called her back (only got her voice mail) and explained I had been told not to come in by the the doctor and the treatment technician but that I was more than willing to come in to work.  I called and left a similar message for my supervisor, who the kennel technician and stated was “very miffed” I hadn’t shown up.  Eventually I got a call back from my supervisor wherein she insisted that she had told me specifically to come in on Sunday and basically accused me of going behind her back and shirking my responsibilities by calling into the clinic on Saturday.  I tried to interject that was not my intention, nor my memory of our conversation, but that only made her more irate, so I settled on just apologizing and agreeing to discuss the matter further the next day that I worked which was Monday.  I got off the phone and burst into hysterics, feeling like I’m going crazy.  Why do I remember the conversation from Friday so differently??  How am I going to do this job if my memory is going to be so faulty??  Hubster was so great and supportive, we went out and bought more notepads to keep in my pockets and encouraged me to not be too worried for the talk with my supervisor.  She had on more than one occasion told me I was one of her favorite vet techs, that I didn’t need to be worried my job was always at stake.  So I drove into work bright and early Monday morning basically prepared for a tongue lashing, and go about the day.

I knew I was in trouble when she didn’t have me clock in before out meeting.  She basically would not let me speak a word, reiterated that there was absolutely no place for a misunderstanding that she wanted me to work on Sunday, that it did not matter that I had spoken to the treatment technician and the doctor, that the kennel technician was terrified of the dog (Hello!  I’m terrified of that dog!  Don’t touch it, idiot!) and that the kennel technician had messed up giving the medications (Not sure how that’s my fault that she didn’t read the directions on the drug bottle correctly) and then went on about how she had always stood up for me when the doctors and other techs had been upset with me (Um… ya, like 5 months ago when I started and my attempt at confidence had come off as arrogance but since then I’ve only heard how much everyone loves to work with me) but that she couldn’t stick up for me anymore, that she wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior by anyone and that she was letting me go.

But, you know, she still likes me as a person, and knows I try really hard.

She took my keys and I left.

I was just so in shock, it took quite a while before I could actually cry.  I can’t believe she would take what happened so personally.  It wasn’t an attack on her or an attempt to shirk my duties.  Admittedly driving 45 minutes, and paying a toll, for 15 minutes worth of work sucks, but if I had been told to come in, I would have come in.  I just don’t remember the conversation on Friday the way she remembered it, and she took it very personally.  I also have to wonder if some of this wasn’t also a bit of a power struggle between her as the Administrator and the Doctor/Owner.  They have had some pretty big arguments before, about which of the two us technicians is supposed to listen to when they give us conflicting directions.

At that point I decided to call the nurse.  My breasts had continued to not be tender at all, (and in the midst of “letting me go” the administrator told me that there was a way to continue my insurance for a while, so I figured I’m still insured so I’m going to use it while I can, until I can figure something else out) and basically I begged for another blood level test.  I gave myself Monday to just process what happened with the job.  My good friend Suzy invited me to run errands with her, and just be a general good distraction.  Hubster was really supportive (although leaning towards villain-izing the administrator.  I think that there was error on both sides.  I don’t know, I guess I don’t feel right just putting all of my anger on her.)

Tuesday I got up and decided to go walking with Suzy and some of her friends.  I figured the best way to start my day was by being active, instead of moping around the house.  I called in to find out my blood results.  Based on the 1,300 number from Wednesday April 25th, I had guessed the number from Monday would be about 7,800.  It was over 9,000!!!  I have to say, it really made my day.  Between that and the previous posts comments including the fact that the tenderness could go away, I was actually feeling really good.  Then the nurse went above and beyond and put in an order for an ultrasound in the next 2 weeks, just to give me peace of mind.  If she amazing, or what?

However, this morning I went into the bathroom and when I wiped, I noticed a small amount of brown discharge.  Of course I started panicking and called the nurse line.  She didn’t seem overly concerned (“Brown is old blood, so it’s something from a while ago, it’s probably just now working it’s way out.”) but again took pity on me and changed the ultrasound order to STAT.  So Hubster and I got in the car and went in for another ultrasound.  It was all very efficient.  The ultrasound technician was basically like “You’re last ultrasound was one week ago, so there isn’t much difference to see.  The gestational sack has grown and we can see the beginning of the egg sack.”  Nothing looked worrisome.

So now I’m home.  Did some dishes.  Made a call to go in and get information on WIC.  Started the process of filing for unemployment.  (What a pain!)  I’ve been thinking a lot about what kind of job I want to look for.  In a lot of ways, I’m actually not as upset as I thought I would be about losing my job.  As much as I loved the people, and loved the work, it is a high stress environment.  And I’m already at high stress about this pregnancy.  Add on my memory issues, and I was so terrified that at some point I would forget something vital.  I just don’t know that I really want to pursue another job at a vet clinic at this time.  I just don’t think I can handle the stress of trying to remember everything you have to remember for that job.  (Which trust me, is a lot.  Especially in a “general practitioner” where you see multiple species, and can see everything from healthy kittens to dogs with skin problems to rabbit neuters…)  It’s not that I wont look at vet clinic job listings, but will maybe try to find a smaller, less busy clinic.  Or a specialty clinic that only really deals with one issue.  (Like a dermatologist)  Or heck, I may very well apply for a job with a large, corporate coffee chain. 😉 Because they take really good care of their employees.  And there is just less stuff to worry about.  The other issue I have is that I feel morally compromised to go in and apply for a serious, long-term job and withhold the fact that I’m pregnant.  I feel less guilty if I’m applying for a job I know is going to be more temporary, that is just to help keep us afloat until the baby comes along.  And the sad fact is, that I was not making great money at my old job.  Because of a variety of factors (such as the fact that while I went to school, I have yet to get nationally licensed) I was making just a little more than minimum wage.  The veterinary field is not something you do because you expect to get rich, you do it because you love it.

And, to end on a positive note, I realized I never posted the original ultrasound from the 25th.  So here is my little blobby, 4 and a half weeks old.  🙂