Summary of the Past Week

Alrighty, time to play catch up:

Last Friday we went into our “doctorly” appointment.  (It was with a midwife, but was at a Group Health center, with doctors right around the corner, so it was still very “medical”.)  My biggest fear was that there would be no heartbeat.  The midwife was very nice, chatted a bit about my history and current health, and stated that she thinks I’m in great health, and sees nothing that screams “high risk” about me.  We talked about my weight, and while she agreed I need to be careful, she was also very sensitive and realistic about the fact that I probably will gain more weight then I want to.  I actually liked her quite a bit!  (Unfortunately, Group Health never guarantees that you’ll have a specific person when you go into labor… we’re still trying to figure out a set midwife for us… more on that in another post)  So then she wheeled in a mini ultrasound machine, and put it up to my lower abdomen (Can I get a HUZZAH about graduating from the internal vaginal ultrasounds to external abdominal ultrasounds?!?!?!)  She located the uterus… and baby… and I didn’t see a heartbeat.  My heart plummeted, and I just told myself “I will not fall apart in the doctors office.  I will not fall apart in the doctors office!  I will NOT fall apart in the doctors office!!”  but then she said “There’s the heartbeat!”  And I (rather panickedly) said “I don’t see it!”  so she very patiently adjusted things a bit and pointed out the teeniest, tiniest flicker.
But it was a flicker.
A heartbeat.
(Hubster later boasted that he saw the heartbeat before she pointed it out.  Well, it’s harder to see the screen when you’re the one laying down!)  She very kindly printed out a few photos, and let us just sit and watch the ultrasound for a few minutes.  I know I welled up, but I don’t think I really cried.  Hubster said it was the happiest day of his life and he did cry.  The midwife told us that now that we’ve seen a heartbeat we only have a 5% chance of losing the pregnancy.  Which just seems weird. Really?  ONLY 5%????  Then why is it I know SO MANY women who have had late-term pregnancy loss????  I guess that’s the joy of running in the infertility community?

Well, after that appointment we had to run a few errands and then get home, load up the car and head out to go “camping”.  (Urban camping – my dad picked the site because he does “RV camping” so it’s the kind of place where the next campground is 5 feet away, there are bathrooms and showers… not exactly what I picture in camping…)  It was a good test run for a first camping trip of the season, getting to use our tent and sleeping bags and getting an idea of what we will want for future (more remote!) camping trips, and what was excessive that didn’t need to go.  (Can I just say on camping while pregnant: In the future we either need to be in a remote campsite where I can just go pee in the bushes, or we need to be RIGHT NEXT to the bathrooms, instead of a 5 minute walk from the bathrooms.  I felt like every 20 minutes I was walking to the bathrooms and that was annoying.)  After our ultrasound Hubster was so excited, he said he was going to tell his mom and didn’t care what she had to say, so I was really excited about that… except then we got so busy putting the camp site up, it didn’t happen.  I was so disappointed, I was trying to hold back tears.  Saturday morning I got a tad snarky with Hubster, until I realized why I was being so pissy and told him how I was feeling.  I think when he say me starting to cry he realized how important this all was, so he called – except of course his mom didn’t answer!  She did eventually call him back on Sunday and he told her the news… and as much I don’t want to say “I told you so”… she said she was excited and was very supportive!  It feels SO good to have everyone know and be excited with us.

So of course that meant we could finally announce it on facebook.  I know a lot of people stress and stress over facebook announcements… but I felt like waiting until a certain week wouldn’t really ensure we don’t lose it.  And I have all these thoughts and feelings and symptoms, I didn’t want to try and write cryptic messages.  This was what I wrote: “After 2 and a half years of infertility, treatments, and a miscarriage, (Hubster) and I are thrilled to be blessed with a pregnancy! We are 9 weeks along today, and got to see the heartbeat on Friday. Many thanks to all the support and prayers over the years, and to the time ahead of us!”

So I just put it out there, recognizing our struggles so that hopefully people would recognize that this pregnancy means something different to us then it does to the average person.  I hope that it was sensitive, I really tried to be humble and appreciative.  But I wasn’t going to hide it either.  That’s just not the kind of person that I am.  It was really wonderful to get all the feedback of people being excited for us.  We’ve always been pretty blunt about our infertility, so people were aware of our history and I think that makes a difference.

Or maybe I’m just imagining things?  My infertile friends – you be the judge!

We got back to town Monday afternoon.  While I loved spending time with my dad, 4 days with my stepmom and stepsister was just… a. bit. much.  Just little things that get really annoying… my stepsister is 11, but she technically has some developmental delays (although it’s not physically obvious, she doesn’t look “different”) so behaviorally she’s a few years younger.  Her home life is all sorts of messed up, and so I think she really clings to the idea of having family.  As in, she really loves the idea of having a big sister.  Which is fine, I’m all for that… but I wish she wasn’t quite so clingy.  And I really wish she would just call me by my name, as opposed to “sissy” *cringe*.  But it’s been going on so long at this point, and it would just completely crush her if I told her not to call me that, so I do my best to shrug it off.  Also, as an 11 year old, her body is starting to change… and I’m realizing it’s going to be up to me to teach her certain things.  Like how to itch herself, or adjust her bra, discreetly.  I don’t know if it’s because she get’s so little time with my stepmom, or if my stepmom never really learned how to address those topics (she raised herself from the age of 14 on the streets of LA – so she’s not always the most aware of social norms and subtleties)

Anyway, since getting back it’s just been a lot of hurry up and wait.  It seems like I will have a day with either a TON of stuff, or nothing.  And I’m not really sure how to balance things out better, I’m trying to do my best.  As much as being home alone sucks, I get totally drained if I’m out of the house all day too.  I know I have a lot of pets, but Hubster and I have been doing a lot to clean and organize and the place is looking pretty nice!  But my friends never seem to want to come over here.  They always want to meet me somewhere else, or have me over to their place… and while that can be nice, sometimes it gets to just be frustrating.  What’s going to happen when I do have a baby and it’s harder for me to get out of the house?  I know it’s convenient for all my friends for me to come to them, but it’s not always convenient for me to go to them.  And I really love hosting!  What’s a girl to do?

Ok, really, sorry for all the venting.  I’m doing my best to keep the pregnancy rages to a minimum.  Really.  Trying.  By and large I am happy, but the little things that have annoyed me in the past that were easier to brush off, are just really really annoying me these days.

And just to end on a warm and fuzzy note, is are the pictures from the ultrasound take last Friday, when I was 8 weeks, 5 days.  (Sorry, no video with the flickering heartbeat 😦  )


2 responses to this post.

  1. Wow! You must be so relieved to know that everything is fine, heartbeat and all! I think your facebook announcement was just right, and I’m glad you’ve been getting so much support and excitement about it.


  2. and there’s the little one! so happy to see the baby grow 🙂


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