Posts Tagged ‘Ultrasound pictures’

Burnout, Beaches and Babies, Oh My!

Ok, first let me say that everything is okay. Exhaustion does crazy things to one’s brain chemistry (it’s true, you can ask any Psych Student) and so in the light of day, I can see how my acceptable-level-of-concerns skyrocketed to I’m-freaking-out-like-it’s-an-alien-attack. My apologies to all of you!

So, I finally fell asleep sometime about 4 in the morning or so… Alarm went off at 8am. Hubster and I got up and did the morning-routine thing, but of course I was sucking at sitting patiently at home so we left with more than enough time to get to the clinic that was performing the scan. And all that meant was that I had to sit patiently in the waiting room of the clinic… but that seemed much less stressful.

Got called back by a very professionally nice ultrasound tech. She would explain what we were looking at “This is the head. Now we’re looking at the heart, and now the heart flow…” No excessive chit chat, which was fine. We just held hands and stared intently at the screen. No video (POO!) but I’ve got some photos at the end for y’all. She asked if we wanted to find out the sex, and we said ONLY if she got a REALLY clear shot. Which I think she appreciated, as well as some of our tension-relieving comments. (For example, when she was measuring the head and said “Now I’m measuring different parts of the brain, I said “Yay, our baby has a brain!” *facepalm at my stupidity*) ***Gender revealing photo at the END of the post*** Then Doctor M came in. She was so bubbly and warm and genuinely excited for us and for our baby. She went through all the pictures, and I asked a few questions of what exactly a light or dark spot was (What I can I say, the mom in me was worried about there being some random abnormality.) she was VERY excited about us working with Midwife N, and it sounds like she knows her really well. The doctor said a few times how lucky we were to be working with her. I could have totally hugged the woman ūüôā and when we mentioned we tend to be paranoid because of our previous miscarriage she asked a few questions about that. I was just really amazed that she didn’t seem rushed or anything, we really had her undivided attention. Can’t say enough about how really great the experience was. Everything looked good; brain, heart, spine, no cleft palate, heart rate 135, in the 65 percentile of growth, looking to be on the “tall” side. CAN NOT PRAISE GOD ENOUGH FOR THIS AMAZING BLESSING!!!!

So Hubster drove from there to our monthly meeting with Midwife N. (I wanted him to drive, so he would start getting to know how to get there, so the drive seems routine when I’m in labor! – Plus it gave me the opportunity to call the close family and friends we wanted to give the health and gender news to directly.) The meeting went well, got the card of the woman whom she recommends we take the birth class with. I guess her classes fill up fast, so she said to make contact with her soon. She listened to the heartbeat a la doppler (134 bpm to her count) and measured my uterus (exactly 20 cm! Although I’m just 19 weeks 1 day.) She said I’ve gained 11 pounds in the pregnancy so far which is exactly normal. She said that I should only gain another 10 in the 2nd half, but many women gain 20 or more so we went over how my eating has been going, just to stay on track. Since I way myself almost every day, it’s easy for me to track “trends” (am I a little heavier one day just because I ate something salty last night, or is this going up a little every day and I need to be more aware of what I’m eating and my activity?) and she was really impressed with how well it’s all been going. And I asked her if there was anything I could do about the insomnia, and she said it was safe for me to take uni.som. I found some at the store that’s labeled as “natural uni.som” so that made me feel a little better. I don’t want to take it every night for the rest of the pregnany, but hopefully if I can take it a few nights this week that will just be enough to kick start my day/night cycles back into place.

Grabbed some lunch, the sleep aid and a few odds and ends at the grocery store on our way home. Vegged at home for a little while – we had thrown around a few girl names, but hadn’t had a serious descussion so Hubster was all gung-ho to do that. The name we had originally planned on usuing a long time ago… well, it’s a beautiful name, but the name has deep roots in pagan/wiccan mythology and lore, and we both felt we wanted to give our baby a name that was beautiful, unique AND really meant something to us. So we started by finding a website that lists all the Orthodox Saint names (by gender!) and slowly went down, making note of anything we liked. After some fine tuning we’ve ended up with 3, and then Hubster started to get overwhelmed and a little loopy and started throwing out ideas inspired by alcoholic beverages, so I closed the laptop and said it was time to get out of the house! There’s plenty of time to think about this, no need to rush into anything!

Then we took the dogs down to the beach. We were going to go to the one we usually go to, but the parking lot was SO crowded, we decided to try a different one. And low and behold it was practically barren (although this beach was significantly more rocky than the other one, so less comfortable to walk along and wade in the water, but I cooled off my feet while Glen and Emma waded, and Radar actually swam a little bit.) Then home, and Hubster heated up some homemade soup from the freezer (Hot soup on a hot day… delicious but perhaps not the wisest choice ever lol. However, all the meal options in the house were hot meals, so whatchya gonna do?)

And now I’m here, uploading photos from the day.

20120806-194937.jpgEmma on the top, Glen sniffing rocks on the bottom…

20120806-194958.jpgRadar after his swim…

20120806-195005.jpgEmma and Glen…. pretty sure they were trying to find dead, dried up baby crabs to eat…

20120806-195017.jpgGlen:¬†“This place is too much fun! ¬†Dried up seaweed, dead crabs, all sorts of icky and delicious things!”

20120806-195011.jpgThe view from the Cha.mbers Cre.ek Beach.  The faded light blue land in the distance is the Olym.pic Moun.tain Range.

And now: The long awaited ultrasound pictures!!!  19 weeks, 1 day!

Baby’s profile, waving a hand!

Another profile shot, I thought the Baby was sucking it’s thumb but the doctor said no, that it was more “blowing kisses” *heart melt*

Baby’s face from the front, top of head pointed to the right. ¬†Baby was head down today… let’s hope it stays that way for the birth!

Full side shot.  Head to the right, bum to the left, back is along the bottom of the picture.

“Get outta here, this is my womb!”

“Seriously, you people need my shoe size already?

Bum to the left, legs at top and bottom Рclearly SANS PENIS!  Why hello by lovely, beautiful, precious little baby girl!!!!!!!!  But this will not be some pink-girly-girl, this will be a camo-wearing, camping, hunting, horseback riding girl.  Hubster was SO certain it was a boy, it took about an hour for him to wrap his mind around the fact that it is a girl, but now he is all colors of excited, hyper and wiggling like a puppy.

Oh man, I’m going to have the be the disciplinarian, she already has him wrapped around her teeny tiny little finger.

And I wouldn’t have it any. other. way.

Totally and completely blissed out. ¬†I can’t even adequately describe it. ¬†I know exactly how amazing, lucky, and truly¬†blessed¬†we are, or how much I LOVE this little baby SO MUCH.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments on my previous post, and for all the posts over the years you have been a part of. ¬†I can’t imagine having done this journey so far without you guys.


Midwife Appointment #2 – Check!

Well, first off, huge thank you for all the kind comments on my last post. ¬†I think since the whole accidently-offending-folks incident on a previous post, I’ve been a little gun shy about blogging. ¬†I like to think I’ve always got good intentions, and that people usually see that, but as I found out, people don’t always see that. ¬†I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come on here to write a post, only to scrap it because of who I may or may not¬†inadvertently¬†upset.

Last week was pretty good, had a fun 4th of July (For those outside of the US, that’s our Independence Day, which amounts to a lot of fairs, parades, indulging in fattening food, and of course, fireworks!) ¬†My mom joined us for most of the day, we took in the local “freedom fair” (A plethora of booths hawking all sorts of things from edible, to adornment, to just plain weird) where we had lunch, then off to a BBQ with some folks from our church. ¬†It was really cool to see my mom chat it up with some of the women – my mom has had the worst of luck in the friend department. ¬†Hubster and I joke that when my¬†parents¬†got divorced, my dad got custody of the friends. ¬†Because it’s basically true. ¬†The few friends my mom has now are either incredibly busy, or¬†intensely¬†narcissistic¬†and/or chronically depressed and while my mom always speaks of them kindly, the fact is they force her to put forth all the effort into the “friendships” and tend to encourage her own natural struggles with depression and loneliness. ¬†So, while I doubt my mom would suddenly feel compelled to start being a believer of anything specific (She describes herself as “spiritual but not religious”) I do think it would be really wonderful if she could form some new friendship with women who I know to be happy, generous and loving individuals. ¬†It was also just nice to see folks outside of church. ¬†At one point, one of our priests was playing the guitar, our deacon was playing the bass, and another guy was playing the¬†accordion¬†– and having a lot of fun singing old Beatles tunes together. ¬†(When you’re used to seeing guys in¬†cassocks¬†and being very somber and reserved, it’s quite a hoot to see them being silly and telling jokes!) ¬†However Thursday I started feeling a bit sick… and Friday I had to leave work early because I threw up. ¬†Twice. ¬†I don’t have the most demanding of jobs, as care-taker for an elderly lady, but it’s hard to do when you’re in the bathroom and your nose is completely congested. ¬†Half a day on Friday, and all of Saturday was spent either in bed or on my couch (I took Saturday off work) eating lots of ramen soup and drinking watered down¬†Gatorade. ¬†Thankfully¬†by Sunday I was feeling 99% better, except for a moment in the heat of church (We’re in the middle of an expansion project which means heater/air conditioner are turned off) where I had to excuse myself to get some ice water and half a bagel because I was¬†nauseous¬†enough I though I might throw up again…

I have an interesting¬†quandary¬†before I get to my midwife appointment today (and of course an ultrasound picture!): ¬†There is a couple at my church. ¬†I like to call them Sheldon and Amy, because if you watching the Big Bang Theory, they are so very much like those characters. ¬†Highly¬†intelligent, computer savvy, but with occasionally awkward social skills. ¬†Well, Amy and Sheldon married a little later in life, after Sheldon had been married previously (His wife had passed away several years ago) ¬†Sheldon had 2 boys with his first wife. ¬†When Sheldon and Amy got married they got pregnant, but sadly Amy miscarried her child. ¬†However they decided after that not to¬†pursue¬†any more children, due to a list of health concerns for both Amy and for the baby if they ever conceived again. ¬†It was a very difficult decision, but Amy has done her best to be mother to Sheldon’s two boys. ¬†I was very worried when I found out we were pregnant, about how to tell Amy. ¬†However she has been so excited for us and supportive, and in many ways I think she sees this pregnancy as a way to vicariously have a pregnancy. ¬†Which I get, there were some friends whose pregnancies I became very invested in, as a way of living vicariously. ¬†However, at one point she made a comment along the lines of “That’s my baby” and now where she sees me she asks “How is my baby?” ¬†and it just feels awkward. ¬†By using the word “my” instead of “your” it just feels like she’s crossing a line I’m not comfortable with. ¬†Of course the best thing would have been to address it the first time it happened but I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to say. ¬†And no matter how kindly I privately pull her aside, I know that if I ask her to stop referring to the baby as “hers” it is going to totally crush her. ¬†And I absolutely do NOT want to do that. ¬†Amy is a great friend, very warm and loving¬†and¬†generous. ¬†But I’ve just always been someone who thinks it’s weird to call everyone “aunt” “uncle” “brother” “sister” unless they are, in fact, that title by¬†genealogy¬†of some sort. And she’s going beyond¬†that, she’s not ever calling herself “Aunt Amy”, which would be weird enough, but calling this baby¬†hers. ¬†I’ve never heard of anyone else experiencing this kind of situation before – have any of you experienced something like it? ¬†Any advice? ¬†I know her, and I know that if I don’t say anything, this will continue until well after the baby is born (God willing that it is born!) and it just makes me really uncomfortable.

And on a final note, the midwife appointment today! ¬†I’m 15 weeks along, we scheduled my “20 week ultrasound” with the¬†doctor¬†she¬†refers¬†to in 4 weeks (So, technically I will be 19 weeks, but I guess that’s totally fine.) ¬†She seemed fairly content with my weight, I have gained about 3 pounds in the last 4 weeks, and I’m really trying to keep the wait gain to a minimum but eating the small frequent meals, drinking lots of water etc. etc. ¬†She pulled out the¬†Doppler¬†and I got to hear Baby’s heartbeat! ¬†She asked if I had a way to record it, for Hubster, so I grabbed my iPhone to take video… but it wasn’t until I got home that I realized I it the record button at the wrong time and it didn’t record it after all! ¬†I feel so bad ūüė¶ ¬†So then we moved over to her little ultrasound machine. ¬†If I was thinking I would have gotten video of the baby¬†wiggling¬†about in there! ¬†But I just wasn’t thinking… we did get a picture, but her printer kind of stinks so it’s hard to see. ¬†I’ve done my best with photo shop to¬†heighten¬†the contrast and point out the major parts. ¬†We also chatted a bit, one of the things Hubster and I have recently decided was that we are going to look into hiring a doula. ¬†We were going to have a friend do it, but we didn’t take into account that she will have a 3 month old baby when we are due, and also that she will be traveling for Christmas. ¬†So my midwife gave me the card of a doula she highly recommends, and we shall see how it goes!

Without further ado:

Summary of the Past Week

Alrighty, time to play catch up:

Last Friday we went into our “doctorly” appointment.¬† (It was with a midwife, but was at a Group Health center, with doctors right around the corner, so it was still very “medical”.)¬† My biggest fear was that there would be no heartbeat.¬† The midwife was very nice, chatted a bit about my history and current health, and stated that she thinks I’m in great health, and sees nothing that screams “high risk” about me.¬† We talked about my weight, and while she agreed I need to be careful, she was also very sensitive and realistic about the fact that I probably will gain more weight then I want to.¬† I actually liked her quite a bit!¬† (Unfortunately, Group Health never guarantees that you’ll have a specific person when you go into labor… we’re still trying to figure out a set midwife for us… more on that in another post)¬† So then she wheeled in a mini ultrasound machine, and put it up to my lower abdomen (Can I get a HUZZAH about graduating from the internal vaginal ultrasounds to external abdominal ultrasounds?!?!?!)¬† She located the uterus… and baby… and I didn’t see a heartbeat.¬† My heart plummeted, and I just told myself “I will not fall apart in the doctors office.¬† I will not fall apart in the doctors office!¬† I will NOT fall apart in the doctors office!!”¬† but then she said “There’s the heartbeat!”¬† And I (rather panickedly) said “I don’t see it!”¬† so she very patiently adjusted things a bit and pointed out the teeniest, tiniest flicker.
But it was a flicker.
A heartbeat.
(Hubster later boasted that he saw the heartbeat before she pointed it out.¬† Well, it’s harder to see the screen when you’re the one laying down!)¬† She very kindly printed out a few photos, and let us just sit and watch the ultrasound for a few minutes.¬† I know I welled up, but I don’t think I really cried.¬† Hubster said it was the happiest day of his life and he did cry.¬† The midwife told us that now that we’ve seen a heartbeat we only have a 5% chance of losing the pregnancy.¬† Which just seems weird. Really?¬† ONLY 5%????¬† Then why is it I know SO MANY women who have had late-term pregnancy loss????¬† I guess that’s the joy of running in the infertility community?

Well, after that appointment we had to run a few errands and then get home, load up the car and head out to go “camping”.¬† (Urban camping – my dad picked the site because he does “RV camping” so it’s the kind of place where the next campground is 5 feet away, there are bathrooms and showers… not exactly what I picture in camping…)¬† It was a good test run for a first camping trip of the season, getting to use our tent and sleeping bags and getting an idea of what we will want for future (more remote!) camping trips, and what was excessive that didn’t need to go.¬† (Can I just say on camping while pregnant: In the future we either need to be in a remote campsite where I can just go pee in the bushes, or we need to be RIGHT NEXT to the bathrooms, instead of a 5 minute walk from the bathrooms.¬† I felt like every 20 minutes I was walking to the bathrooms and that was annoying.)¬† After our ultrasound Hubster was so excited, he said he was going to tell his mom and didn’t care what she had to say, so I was really excited about that… except then we got so busy putting the camp site up, it didn’t happen.¬† I was so disappointed, I was trying to hold back tears.¬† Saturday morning I got a tad snarky with Hubster, until I realized why I was being so pissy and told him how I was feeling.¬† I think when he say me starting to cry he realized how important this all was, so he called – except of course his mom didn’t answer!¬† She did eventually call him back on Sunday and he told her the news… and as much I don’t want to say “I told you so”… she said she was excited and was very supportive!¬† It feels SO good to have everyone know and be excited with us.

So of course that meant we could finally announce it on facebook.¬† I know a lot of people stress and stress over facebook announcements… but I felt like waiting until a certain week wouldn’t really ensure we don’t lose it.¬† And I have all these thoughts and feelings and symptoms, I didn’t want to try and write cryptic messages.¬† This was what I wrote: “After 2 and a half years of infertility, treatments, and a miscarriage, (Hubster) and I are thrilled to be blessed with a pregnancy! We are 9 weeks along today, and got to see the heartbeat on Friday. Many thanks to all the support and prayers over the years, and to the time ahead of us!”

So I just put it out there, recognizing our struggles so that hopefully people would recognize that this pregnancy means something different to us then it does to the average person.¬† I hope that it was sensitive, I really tried to be humble and appreciative.¬† But I wasn’t going to hide it either.¬† That’s just not the kind of person that I am.¬† It was really wonderful to get all the feedback of people being excited for us.¬† We’ve always been pretty blunt about our infertility, so people were aware of our history and I think that makes a difference.

Or maybe I’m just imagining things?¬† My infertile friends – you be the judge!

We got back to town Monday afternoon.¬† While I loved spending time with my dad, 4 days with my stepmom and stepsister was just… a. bit. much.¬† Just little things that get really annoying… my stepsister is 11, but she technically has some developmental delays (although it’s not physically obvious, she doesn’t look “different”) so behaviorally she’s a few years younger.¬† Her home life is all sorts of messed up, and so I think she really clings to the idea of having family.¬† As in, she really loves the idea of having a big sister.¬† Which is fine, I’m all for that… but I wish she wasn’t quite so clingy.¬† And I really wish she would just call me by my name, as opposed to “sissy” *cringe*.¬† But it’s been going on so long at this point, and it would just completely crush her if I told her not to call me that, so I do my best to shrug it off.¬† Also, as an 11 year old, her body is starting to change… and I’m realizing it’s going to be up to me to teach her certain things.¬† Like how to itch herself, or adjust her bra, discreetly.¬† I don’t know if it’s because she get’s so little time with my stepmom, or if my stepmom never really learned how to address those topics (she raised herself from the age of 14 on the streets of LA – so she’s not always the most aware of social norms and subtleties)

Anyway, since getting back it’s just been a lot of hurry up and wait.¬† It seems like I will have a day with either a TON of stuff, or nothing.¬† And I’m not really sure how to balance things out better, I’m trying to do my best.¬† As much as being home alone sucks, I get totally drained if I’m out of the house all day too.¬† I know I have a lot of pets, but Hubster and I have been doing a lot to clean and organize and the place is looking pretty nice!¬† But my friends never seem to want to come over here.¬† They always want to meet me somewhere else, or have me over to their place… and while that can be nice, sometimes it gets to just be frustrating.¬† What’s going to happen when I do have a baby and it’s harder for me to get out of the house?¬† I know it’s convenient for all my friends for me to come to them, but it’s not always convenient for me to go to them.¬† And I really love hosting!¬† What’s a girl to do?

Ok, really, sorry for all the venting.¬† I’m doing my best to keep the pregnancy rages to a minimum.¬† Really.¬† Trying.¬† By and large I am happy, but the little things that have annoyed me in the past that were easier to brush off, are just really really annoying me these days.

And just to end on a warm and fuzzy note, is are the pictures from the ultrasound take last Friday, when I was 8 weeks, 5 days.¬† (Sorry, no video with the flickering heartbeat ūüė¶¬† )