Archive for the ‘MEH’ Category

I know I promised to be more optimistic…

…but I just got the news that one of Hubster’s cousins had a baby girl today. And I just feel blue. I’m frustrated I’m STILL waiting for insurance and everything to line up. I’m tired of waiting on other people, I’ve done what I can on my end, and it’s out of my hands.

In a place of self improvement though, I’m not going to sob or drown my sorrows in wine or chocolate. I’m going to take a shower, get everything ready for work tomorrow, say evening prayers and go to bed.

See? Progress!

And finally:
To all my Jewish friends, I hope you had a great Passover.
To all my Western-Tradition friends, happy Easter.
To all my Eastern Orthodox friends, happy Palm Sunday, I am very much looking forward to Holy Week!

And to everybody else, I hope you had a Happy Bunny Day! 😉

The best days are the days you don’t get dressed.

It’s my day off.  I meant to go to church this morning, but I’ve just been so worn out, I did the hit-my-alarm-close-my-eyes-for-two-seconds-and-suddenly-it’s-2-hours-later thing.  So I’ve been spending the rest of the day in my sweat pants, with my laptop and puppies, just trying to shake the exhaustion.  I find that my days off are basically spent trying to catch up on sleep and the rest of my life, so that when I go back to work I can function in the high-paced-high-stress situations I find myself in.

Sometimes I wonder, with my life so delicately balanced as it is, how I could think about adding in fertility treatments, pregnancy, a baby… but then I just tell myself to stop freaking out and take this one day at a time.  And today, is my relax day.

Which means catching up on my guilty tv pleasures, the first episode of Project Runway All-Stars, watching some Vampire Diaries, and sifting through the 300+ emails in my inbox.  (I think I deleted most of them, but I still had to do that) and I also made the car payment (so I could feel like some semblance of a responsible adult).

Next up on my big plans is heating up some soup, maybe make some tea, and read me some blogs 🙂  What are your fancy weekend plans?

How to Survive the Holidays:

Step one: Either coerce someone to go to the store for you, or brave the crowds yourself.

Step two: Purchase a Ferrara Chocolate Ball.

  They come in a variety of flavors, but the one pictured is the classic one I grew up getting in my stocking every year.  (Now I know why my parents bought so many…)

Step three: As long as you are out, grab a bottle of wine.  May I suggest the Gnarly Head Pinot Noir?  Brings out the flavors of the orange and chocolate beautifully.  For those who can’t (or don’t like to) drink alcohol, I suggest a fancy-shmancy-snootie-type tea.  I like Republic of Tea’s Cinnamon Vanilla myself…

Step four: Get home.  (Or have the person you coerced to brave the crowds and traffic get their tushie’s home)

Step five: Poor a glass of wine ASAP.  Take a contemplative sip.  Then another.  Repeat, liberally.

Step six:  Smash the chocolate ball.  Hard.  Several times.  If you don’t do it hard enough, the pieces wont properly break.  Feel the pent up rage and frustration flow through your body, down your arm, and out of your body. Ooooo.   Ahhhhh.

Step seven: Unwrap the chocoalty goodness.  Eat.  Drink.  And be merry!

After almost having a break down in the grocery store as I attempted to plan a fabulous-yet-easy Christmas Eve meal that Husbter could make (since I am working tomorrow) I gave up and did the above.

I feel SOOOO much better.

And Hubster has volunteered to both plan, shop and cook the dinner for tomorrow.

I love my husband.

 

Hello December

Wow, it’s been a long time since my last post.  I guess it’s just felt like “same ol’, same ol'”, and then when I have had something to write, I’ve just been totally wiped out and had no energy to write a post and figured “Eh… I’ll write one tomorrow.” And then, obviously, I never had the time or energy to write a post.  So let me sum up:

Working 40 hours a week.  I’m not AS EXHAUSTED as when I first started, I find myself handling being on my feet for 10 hours better.  I come home and don’t go STRAIGHT to bed.  I make dinner, chat with Hubster, watch a little TV… but I’m still trying to get to bed around 9.  This girl needs 9 hours of sleep. On my days off I’ve been trying to get a million things done.  All things that are fun or important, but it feels like I never get a REAL day “off”.  So yesterday I made NO plans, and spend most of the day on the couch, catching up on Once Upon a Time, America’s Next Top Model and Vampire Diaries.  Just chilled out, relaxed, recharged.

It. Was. Epic.

Still love my job, but I’ve hit the “You’ve been here 3 weeks now, and we know we didn’t get to do as much training as we wanted,  but you’re doing X, X, and X wrong…. so try to work on that, m’kay?”  So it’s not quite the euphoria when I first started, but I still love it and can’t imagine a better place to be.  I guess the heart of my issues revolve around this: I love my job and am terrified of losing my job.  So my knee-jerk reaction is to become super introverted and deer-in-the-headlights.  But I know that’s not a good thing, so to counter-act it I keep myself really pepped up, positive, outgoing, confident.  But I guess my confidence is coming across as cocky, and since I am new, I don’t really have the skills to back up the cockyness… it’s all about balance I guess.  Thankfully my supervisor is really understanding. *bangs head on wall*

Thanksgiving was crazy.  We celebrated the day before with my mom.  She gets very “Martha Stewart” for the holidays, so everything was made from scratch, she pulled out the fine china, served champagne, put on “Miracle on 34th St”…. Since it was just Hubster, me and her it was very nice and cozy.  Amazingly everyone played nice, there was no awkwardness or drama (except for over the fact that my cousin Blithe who had planned to attend with his Husband had to cancel a week or so before due to some issues with his mother… which I understand but was still bummed since I love those two)

Then on Thursday 24th we met up with my dad and stepmother.  They go RV camping traditionally.  This year it was really especially cold.  And windy.  And rainy.  They had set up tables to cook on outside of the RV, and put up tents over the tables, but they hadn’t tied the tents down so every time the wind came through the tents would move… at one point knocking over the pressure cooker that held the turkey, breaking the lid of the pressure cooker and they had to find the back-up lid… it was like a holiday with the Griswalds or something.  Needless to say, we DID end up eating, albeit  little late.  And had plenty of shenanigans to laugh at over the meal.

Today is Hubster’s birthday.  Unfortunately the dinner party I had planned flopped… my mom had to cancel because some stuff came up with her fencing academy and she had to fire a coach.  And Jewel is late.  Not really sure what happened but I’m sure she’ll tell me when she gets here.  I’ve tried to do my best to make the day nice though.

Hubster’s Baptism and my Chrismation has been set for Sunday, December 11th.  I’m excited and impatient for the day, we’ve been going to an Orthodox church for over a year and it’s amazing to think about everything that has happened in the last year…

I think that around that date is when Hubster will be able take the HIV test.  I am impatient for that as well.  On one hand I feel fairly confident that he will pass the test just fine, but I must admit that there is also the tiny voice in my head scared that the news will come back bad.  *deep breath*  But, assuming that everything comes out fine, we will get back to TTC, “casually”.  That means that we will chart my cycles and try to conceive naturally, with the only assistance being the sporadic acupuncture I get.  I’m not terribly confident we will get any results, but at least we will be easing back into things.  Then, if by February when my insurance kicks in, we haven’t gotten pregnant (and stayed pregnant) we will pursue up to 3 rounds of IUI.  If nothing happens with that, then we will have to accept that we have tried everything we can emotionally and financially afford to conceive biological children, and move forward with pursuing adoption.

And on that sobering thought, I guess I should get back to spending time with Hubster, and Jewel is here now.  Yay for chilling on the couch with people I love ❤

Nothing. Nada. Zip.

I don’t really feel like I have a lot to write recently.

The job is going pretty well, although being new I do make mistakes which is really frustrating but everyone has been pretty nice about correcting me.  Some moments are harder or more stressful than others, but all in all I can see being at this job for a long, long time.  I get along with co-workers although have yet to make any plans with anyone outside of work… but I’m hopeful that in time we will.

Marriage is normal.  Good moments, frustrating moments.  Trying to figure out how to pay the bills and buy the groceries.  Trying to find a balance of chores.  It all takes time.

Weight loss has basically stopped which is frustrating.  Stupid plateaus.  I’m sure I need to add in exercise, but since my job is pretty physically demanding (on my feet for 10+ hours, lifting and restraining heavy animals…) I get home and I’m just too pooped, and I leave so early in the morning my gym isn’t open yet for me to go in before I work.  Trying to decide how I want to handle that, I have an appointment with my weight loss doctor next Thursday so hopefully he will have some ideas. I really don’t know how to eat any less and keep my sanity.  I have a protein shake for breakfast, a protein bar for lunch, and then try to have a normal-sized regular food for dinner.  Because I need at least a little variety in my day!  Although one day I came home from work SO tired, I went to bed without dinner because I was more tired than I was hungry.

I am excited for the premier of Twilight next week!  Woo-hoo! (Don’t judge me! I’ll throw glitter at you!) I was bummed that the girl I had originally planned to go with decided to not be my friend when I left my last job, but am excited that Jewel has agreed to go with me even though she isn’t a big fan of the movies.  I know we’ll have fun because it’s US.  🙂

Nothing on the baby front.  I was supposed to have an acupuncture appointment today but the way the budget this week is working out, there just isn’t money for it.  Hoping I can make it for my appointment next week.

I just feel like I’m back at that “waiting” place.  And it really blows.  Our marriage is more or less mended from the infidelity that happened earlier this year.  I’ve lost weight, but not “enough”.  I have a great job, but the benefits haven’t kicked in yet.  So I guess I haven’t been blogging because I just feel like a big old phony.  Who wants to read an infertility blog that isn’t really doing…. anything?

Sure, this blog is first and foremost for ME.  An outlet for my thoughts and feelings.  But I have to admit that when my stats are high I feel all gold-sticker-special, and when it’s down I feel a little blue.  And the stats say readers are down.  😦  But I don’t blame them!  I’m in this holding pattern that is frustrating, but ultimately not funny, or witty, or snarky… it’s basically completely uninteresting.

And while I try to keep up with my favorite blogs via my iPhone I know I haven’t been doing a great job, and even when I read I often have problems/glitches when I try to comment so there is no proof I’m keeping up, so I’m sure those bloggers are like “If this chick isn’t going to keep up with me, why should I keep up with her?” One blogger in particular I though I had really connected with, isn’t responding to my emails or comments about hanging out again (which I’m taking is internet-speak for ignoring me and wishing I would stop bugging her) and while I don’t blame her for thinking I’m pretty lame, I’m still sad about it. But I also recognize this entire last week I’m been rather overly-emotional, crying at stuff at the drop of a hat. I’ve taken an intentional break from really looking at my SIL and brother’s facebook pages… on one hand I’m really happy for them and their new daughter, and glad that any complications they had were pretty minor in the grand scheme of things, but I’m in the funky head space where i see babies and just start feeling snarky, and I don’t want to say anything I will regret later.

So, all that blathering to say… I’m here, I’m alive, I just don’t have a lot to write about right now, other than the fact that I’m a little overly emotional and a tad bit depressed.

Randoms

I feel like the last couple days has been a roller coaster, of really great moments where I want to break out into singing and goal-dancing.  (Usually when I nail something at work and I feel like I know my sh!t) and then really low points where I want to crawl into a whole and cry (usually when I f*ck something up at work… or spend all my free time alone because Hubster works opposite shift as me so the ONLY human contact I get is at work).  But the totally awesome thing was that when I checked the mail today I had a package from Stinky.  And not just the normal “bar or 2 of chocolate”.  This baby was like a care package!  Like you might have gotten your first year in college from your mom?  Candy from New Zealand, a chocolate bar from her UK childhood and TWO tins of tea.  I feel so loved!!!!!!!!!!  It was totally what I needed today.  I can’t even tall you guys how much it meant, especially since there was a card and everything!  ZI might have hugged the package… and then eaten the candy bar…. and some of these chocoalte-covered-pineapple-chew-things.  SOOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!  And I’m not worrying about the diet today, I’m just having a laid back, “cheat” day.   Day 42 of 100 Days of Happiness 😀

On a totally separate note, I want to whine about how, when I comment on a blogger account, I can’t hit any kind of box that says “notify me of replies”.  I feel so bad because it takes me a while to get back around and see if anyone replied to my comment!!!!  As much as I ADORE using wordpress, I wish that blogger and wordpress accounts were a tad more compatible.  *MAJOR POUTING*  Stupid blogger……

And lastly, it looks like our planned camping trip later this week is out, because Hubster has a job interview.  I’m bummed because I was looking forward to camping with Hubster and Jewel (I don’t care if it is October, I haven’t camped in eons and I wanna CAMP!) but it looks like Jewel and I are now planning a day hike with the dogs, so I guess that’s almost as epic as camping.  I’m just thrilled I’m still going to get to see her and spend time in the woods.

Where does the time go?

Today is CD2.  Woohoo for the Red Bitch showing up, making me crampy, bloated, and generally irritable.

For only working 12 hours a week I don’t get shit done.  I can’t keep up with my blogs.  (I often read but can’t comment.  iPhone gets grumpy when I try to comment, deletes what I have types up and insistes I “log in” to wordpress even though I am commenting on a blogger account)  Part of it is that I feel like I am running around trying to people please my boss, my friends and even my husband.  When he is here, I feel this unconscious urge that we have to be spending time together.  And honestly, I enjoy doing stuff with him.  But without any formal “break” (since he hasn’t been able to find a job yet, and doesn’t really have any friends out here so that means he has no place to go … so he is always here.) I am not getting done the things I usually do with my “me” time.  Usually that includes catching up with blogs, catching up with the 6+ books I am trying to read, watching my guilty pleasure tv shows (proj.ect run.way, america’s ne.xt top mo.del)

Even right now, as I type this post, there is a new Jeff Dun.ham show on Com.edy Central.  we both really enjoy him, and as much as I want to watch it, I just know I don’t have time to do it all.  I have spent the better part of the evening blanching/peeling/pitting plums, making jam and preserves.  I have to get up to go swimming in the morning before work (partly for myself, partly for my boss who is keeping tabs on my exercise routine) And of course I also need to take the time to finish filling out an application for St.arbucks, as well as check out the new job vet tech postings on Crai.gslist… and finish cleaning the house.  We cleaned the kitchen and bathroom yesterday, so that leaves us with main bedroom, guest bedroom and living room…  which are all scary in their own unique ways.

Bedroom: a closet about 3 feet layer of clothes covers the floor that needs to be hung up and put away.  Need to pick some art to put on the asylum-looking-bare-walls.  (I hate that you can’t pain an apartment’s walls…) And there is a huge dresser take up space that needs to get thrown in the back of Hubster’s truck and taken to Goodw.ill.

Spare Bedroom: not exactly sure, a lot of Husbter’s stuff, a variety of plastic drawers from our college days we either need to find homes for and utilize or get rid of.  And one very broken file cabinet that needs to be replaced.

Living room: a couple of boxes of last odds’n’ends.  I’m not entirely sure what is in them.  I am suspicious there are probably a few items that are expensive and should not be thrown away, but also a good number of items that we can get rid of. I hate sorting through stuff and trying to find homes for all the important stuff.  Then there are a bunch of pictures lining the baseboards, that either need to be hung up somewhere, or gotten rid of.  But again, I hate sorting stuff.  The coffee table is a jumble of stuff, the printer “desk” just is not working out but I don’t know what to do differently.

And really, I am just exhausted.  I’m tired of being tired.  I just feel like I’m running on empty.  All.  The.  Time.  I just need to take a day and sleep.  But I have something going on.  Ever.  Day.  And it’s the kind of tired where coffee really doesn’t do anything.  I just pretend like it’s working, psyching myself up, so I can get through the next task.

On that note, my final alarm went off that my last batch of jars are ready to be taken out of the hot bath.  And then I will be done with canning for the day.  And am dragging my butt to bed.