Thoughts on October 15th…

I know that I should be doing some big post on here and in facebook about Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day, but I can’t help but feel like… It’s all just a little forced.

I live my history of infertility and miscarriage every day. When it is on my mind particularly heavy I write about it and talk about it… But it just seems like my mind has been in other places. And so to write about it wouldn’t be genuine. My mind has been on… Work. Radar. Trying to prepare for this baby (and silently panicking about all the things we haven’t done yet or don’t own yet).

The child I lost… I will never forget. And I will always love. I wish this baby I carry today would be coming into a world with an older brother or sister, eager to be a “big helper”. But no amount of wishing it will change that.

What has really been on my mind? Basically, all the movement I feel has been low. And, only one person has been able to feel her movements. Hubster. Twice. Part if it is that she just doesn’t do repetitive harsh jabs in the same spot, giving me time to usher someone over. I can’t help but wonder… Is it because I started this pregnancy overweight? I mean, obviously I have a layer of fat between womb and skin that a healthy-BMI pregnant lady doesn’t have. Would I be more aware if I was skinnier? Would people – my friends and family – be able to be more involved and feel the baby if I was skinnier? Or is this baby just really mellow? Any input from my friends who were a little heavier in their pregnancies? I just feel like I’m missing out on some really fun experiences because no one can feel my belly? I don’t know why this is upsetting me so much, but I am welling up about this just writing about it! Does that just sound stupid???

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9 responses to this post.

  1. I understand what you are saying about the infant & pregnancy loss day… Honestly, I’d feel like you if it landed in any month other than February (our loss month) or October (my due date month). However, my LO has been on my mind a lot this month so I felt compelled to participate and post something.

    As for movement, I’m of normal BMI and still have periods where I cannot feel the baby. DH has only felt movements 5-6 times… The doctor says I have a very active baby but I JUST CAN’T FEEL IT! It’s beyond frustrating and I wonder how the heck I’m going to be able to do my daily kick counts starting next week!

    Reply

    • I think these kinds of “awarness” days and months were really important in helping me to have the courage to speak up, but at this point in my life, everyone in my life knows our history. I don’t feel a need to hide it, but I also don’t feel a need to shove it down everyone’s throats. What it comes up and is relevant I talk about it.

      You’re counting movements?! Hmmm… I haven’t been doing that… one more thing to ask the midwife about… been feeling a little less than thrilled with her lately, but that’s a topic for another day.

      Reply

      • Posted by Tanya on October 16, 2012 at 12:16 pm

        Yeah, beginning at 28 weeks my doctor wants her patients to pick baby’s most active time frame and do kick counts. I need to feel 10 movements (anything counts… rolls, taps, thumps, kicks, hiccups) but there need to be 10 in a 2 hour period. If I feel less than that, I need to drink ice cold water/fruit juice/etc and try again. If that doesn’t work, I need to call… I’m feeling movement but it’s like two taps/kicks/thumps an hour… Definitely not 10 in 2 hours!

  2. I agree about feeling like writing about my loss would feel forced and contrived. It has to be genuinely on my mind, as in, there has to be something new about it that I’m trying to work through for me to post about it. Otherwise I feel like a broken record saying “yep, this sucks.”

    Also, I’ve had two successful pregnancies. My first one was 5 years ago, before my thyroid and adrenals developed major issues… so I was a normal/healthy weight at that time, very active and healthy, even athletic. But this last pregnancy was a full 100+ pounds up from that weight. And I can say without hesitation, that I didn’t notice any change in fetal movements, nor in the amount of them that hubby could also feel. Honestly. The only real differences for me … the amount of strain on my body, and discomfort of my joints (especially hips/SI joints, excruciating)… and my own emotions about being obese and pregnant were brutal, and I also “thought” that other people were thinking awful things about the big fat pregnant lady, but looking back they probably weren’t. And if they were then they are douchebags. 🙂

    Reply

    • Thank you Coco,that really helps. I finally admitted to Hubster today that I had been worrying about this, and he got that deer-in-the-headlights look on his face as if thinking “I have no idea how pregnancy stuff works” but I was able to immediately follow up with telling him about these comments and he looked relieved.

      I sometimes worry about people thinking I’m just really fat because when I’m at work, my scrubs are big and baggy… but we are way to busy for me to put to much energy into worrying what clients think of my waistline. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to fit into scrubs, and I don’t want to go out and drop a lot of money on scrubs I will only wear for a month or two, so near the end I may seek special approval to wear professional-looking maternity clothes or something.

      Reply

  3. Hmmm… This little baby’s most active time is usuall when I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off at work… Not really a great time for me to stop and count movements :/ I’ll have to think about that.

    Reply

  4. Posted by Margaret on October 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    So weird – I know I replied to this. Sigh. I said something about the movement being related to where the placenta happens to be in your uterus, and as you get further along the movements will get stronger and easier for others to see/feel.
    {{hugs}}

    Reply

  5. Okay, just getting a chance to comment here, and like I said the other day, we didn’t count kicks – it just made me worried. If I did feel like it had been a long time with no movement, I just laid down on the couch for an hour and focused on relaxing and thinking about my baby, and inevitably she started moving again at some point.

    Also, I was of normal BMI when I got pregnant, and I still had a hard time feeling her. I didn’t feel kicks until 20+ weeks (22 I think?) and even then, there were times it was hard, b/c my placenta was between her and my exterior belly, so she had to kick REALLY hard for me to feel it. Everyone is different- try not to stress about it!

    Reply

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