Archive for the ‘Food/Exercise/Weight/Health’ Category

Pause

There have been good days. There have been bad days. The bad days have been really really bad. I’m struggling with burnout. Hubster gone 17 hours a day just sucks. I think I’m seeing signs of my depression history creeping back. At least I know what to look out for. In some ways, it feels like delayed post partum depression.

It used to be when Seedling cried I had these mommy instincts to want to soothe her. Now I feel rage and frustration mounting. I’ve yelled at her. Yelled at a 6 month old. Completely stupid. I’ve had to put her down in a safe spot and walk away for fear I would accidentally hurt her.

This is not what I pictured when I pictured being a parent.

I mean, I knew it wouldn’t be all sunshine and roses, but this RAGE is unexpected. Since I can’t unleash at Seedling it tends to come out at Hubster. So take bad mom and add on a heap of bad wife.

Sure, there is lots going on. The travel to California, the move, and somewhere along the way Seedling became a rolling machine and so I’m having to take into account baby proofing now.

I think the idea of her autonomy is scaring me. It used to be she would stay put. But she’s becoming her own person, and while that is great and important, beautiful and normal, it is also scary. Scary as I watch my friends (who are great parents) struggle with battles of wills with their three year olds, these little people who have their own alien senses of logic that don’t make any sense to our adult logic.

I’ve been stress eating. I can literally see the weight gain in the last month when I look in a mirror. I’m scared for myself, for my health, feeling completely out of control. I can eat a full meal and ten minutes later my brain is saying “you’re hungry! Eat! EAT! EEEAAATTT!!!” I’m worried about being healthy to be around and active with my daughter, worried that my food addiction will mess up her own food associations, worried that if I can’t get my weight down I won’t have a shot at more kids (I highly suspect weight played a big part of my infertility)

Add to the cupcake of rage, the icing of eating addiction, and the cherry on top of it all? Hubster got laid off work on Friday. Turns out the plant has some budget issues and had to shut down until they confirmed some funding stuff. Taking us from a single income family to a no-income family. Thanks be to God we still have a little money left in his trust account. The silver lining is he gets time with Seedling. I will get a little (much needed!) help around here. He also now has time to job hunt. (He hated his job but between work and school there really wasn’t time to job hunt effectively)

About the only thing that helps is taking the time to pray. I love that in Orthodoxy there are prayers for everything. Morning, afternoon, evening, meals, prayers just because I am having a rough moment. I just need to actually make/take the time to pray. Because when I do, it makes a huge difference in the feelings of anxiety, depression, rage…

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!

Catching Up from the Weekend

Here are some pictures from our Friday trip to the beach!

Blue sky, puffy white clouds, ferry dock in the distance, islands to the left, what’s not to love?

Hubster walking Emma (the daker one) and Radar (the red one) He wasn’t feeling especially photogenic at that moment!

And then of course my doggy, Glen 🙂

One of the thing I love about beaches out here is how the dense vegetation of the forests, in all their mossy-ferny-glory, come right up to the edge of sand and pebbles and driftwood, such a rich contrast!

I feel I need to do something to try and educate the public on a huge misconception of dogs, and their owners.  When I’m walking my dogs, that is not an invitation for you to come up and make chit chat with me.  What are you hoping to accomplish?  That we become lifelong friends?  I just don’t get it.  (But then again, I hate it when strangers try and talk to me on airplanes too.  Just leave me alone people!)  I’m out there, to enjoy the weather and the nature and the company of my husband and our pets.  I am in no way motivated to have stilted conversations with weirdos on the beach.  Also, don’t let your kids run up and pet strange dogs.  Children are the #1 recipient of dog bites – they have weird, intimidating body language and high pitched voices and get right into a dogs face.  It’s very intimidating, even on the nicest dogs.  (A side note: I don’t take my dogs to children playgrounds.  Do NOT take your kids to dog parks.  Again, you’re just asking for an injury to happen to your kid, even if a dog doesn’t bite them, when dogs are playing, I’ve seen them accidentally knock over a full grown adult man.  And I’ve seen them knock down kids to the point the child is injured.  It’s just not smart!)

The majority of dog bites do NOT come from “mean” dogs like pit bulls or rottweilers, but from chihuahuas and golden retrievers. Because people think they are sweet and cute, and push them over their emotional threshold.  Honestly, don’t even ask if you can pet my dogs.  While my dogs are really nice, the fact is I never know if something about your body language, voice, smell etc could overwhelm them and cause them to snap.  And really, I’m out there to have a good, fun, bonding time between me and my dogs.  Dogs are pack animals, you are either in or out of the pack.  They don’t have “acquaintances” in the wild.  I see nothing positive in forcing my dog to become attached to some stranger who they will never see again.  I’ve learned a lot about dog behavior, both from lifelong ownership, but also from my education to become a vet tech, and then working in the field, where at my last job my boss was a certified animal behaviorist.  You know who the nicest, most welcome dogs are?  Assistance dogs.  And no one is every supposed to touch them, if anything, people are supposed to ignore them.  This allows the dog to stay focused on their owner, and be less inclined to be on alert of what strangers are going to try and do.  So the next time you see someone with a dog, just ignore the dog.  Not in a mean, angry way, but in a way that allows the dog and owner to have fun.

Hubster was getting quite irritated with all the people interrupting out time together to ask us about our dogs.  Finally at one point he exclaimed “Next time we get a dog, we are getting the ugliest, mangiest, meanest looking thing, then people won’t want to come up and talk to us.”

When we got home from the beach we did more cleaning… we had such plans, specifically about the soon-to-be-a-nursery, but it was like that book “When you give a mo.use a co.okie” – we would think “Well, before we can move that, we really need to clean this one thing in this other room…”  So we got a lot done, it just didn’t make as big of a dent in the ROOM we intended to get it done in lol.

Saturday I met up with my Godmother in Oly.mpia.  We went and had lunch at an amazing little Jewish Deli, wandered the cutesy stores, and went in to the local cloth diapering store and got a ton of great information on the several brands they carried.  In truth, it was a bit overwhelming, but I really had a great time!

Sunday was church, followed by cake tasting!!!  It’s one of the few things I actually get to be involved in for the shower, and it was a blast.  Although, it was such a busy day, I basically ate junk all day, and it really showed on the scale this morning.  *sigh* More on that later… After cake tasting we loaded up the spare bed and took it over to my mom’s to put it in storage, and she ended sending us with an antique shelf-thing, we may try in the nursery (As a place for books and toys and such).  Then we went to Ikea to look at the cribs and confirm which one we have chosen.  We even grabbed dinner there (Not as good as homemade Swedish Meatballs I grew up with, but it was tasty and inexpensive!)  Then our friends Suzy and the Professor met us there to buy their crib (They couldn’t fit the box in their sedan)  Basically, by the end of it I was completely and utterly  exhausted.

I think part of it has been my less-than-stellar-diet lately.  I’ve just been getting caught up with lots of little things.  I know what I should be eating, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.  Eating healthy takes a lot of planning, and there are some days that I just totally drop the ball on planning the meals, and then I find myself completely ravenous, and I just eat the easiest thing I can get my hands on.  It also doesn’t help that my life really is pretty sedentary.  I spend a lot of time reading, or knitting, or checking blogs/email/Facebook from the laptop – all of which takes place on our couch for the most part.  And when I’m at work, the elderly lady I care for is very sedentary (hey, she’s 92, so it makes sense!) but there really isn’t much for me to do but sit with her.  I need to get back into my habit of taking they dogs to the park several times a week, and planning out meals for the week in advance.  The insomnia is getting worse (just generally having a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep and I can only guess it will just get worse as the pregnancy continues) so that means my energy level is rocky.  I have random bursts of energy, that are usually used to clean/organize/pick up the apartment.

Ok.  No more excuses.  I’m going to put on my sneakers and go to the park with the dogs.  I’ve gained about 3 pounds this week (after keeping pretty much the same weight for several weeks) so I have to get up and move.  Ok.  This is me.  Getting up.  Really.  Gotta just do it!!!

Come and Gone

Well my official birthday came and went.  I had a great afternoon with my dad, catching up, eating decadent seafood and a scenic drive.  I’ve had a lot in my head, trying to work through the whole “turning 27 and what this means for my fertility” hang ups.  Trying to work on having perspective, while also not beating myself up.

I’m really good at beating myself up.

I had a very good conversation with my SIL (brother’s wife, not Hubster’s sister)  Talking about my fears.  Our options.  Fertility treatments.  Adoption.  Different kinds of adoption.  (After our initial consult with the one one adoption agency, nothing else had happened.  The woman never emailed me the paperwork or informational stuff she promised, and I never reminded her.  With Hubster in school, I just know that the way the numbers of income to expenses ratio on the paperwork wont look good.)  And I explained that I don’t feel old in in a regular day to day physical sense, just worried about our future of a family.  And she basically pointed out that we can keep trying fertility stuff for now, and if we end up adopting in our 30’s it’s not like we are somehow “too old”, and will only look better on paper when it comes to the finances stuff.

And really, I just feel a great relief.  I just realized I don’t need to agonize over it.

In other news, I’ve taken up knitting.  As a child my mom taught me how to cross-stitch, and needle-point, and sew.  In high school I learned how to crochet.  So knitting has come on pretty naturally, and in the little group I meet with I’m a bit of a natural, catching on quickly and usually accidentally doing more advanced stuff without realizing it.  So after making a pair of washcloths, I decided to jump right into an exciting project, figuring that at least right now I have a teacher to help me out if (when) I make mistakes or get stuck.  I promise I will post pictures soon!

I also can’t remember if I have posted this, so I’m going to put it out there:  I have lost a full 40 pounds!  Hovering at about 210 these days, just 10 more pounds to go to reach my first major weight loss goal!

And finally, I am really excited about the women’s retreat with my church next weekend.  YAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

Rent Drama, Adoption Contemplations, and a Plethora of Pills

Once again, life has run away with me!  It was another week of crazy, overbooked, understaffed days at work, to be followed by crazy days off.

A little backdrop: Last month Hubster went in to pay our rent, but wrote a check that was more than necessary.  He was called by the manager, wanting to confirm that the check was correct.  So he happily went back in with the correct amount, and it was understood that the original check was destroyed.

Friday morning his phone starts beeping because he’s getting e-mails from our bank because our account is suddenly overdrawn.  Turns out, that check wasn’t destroyed, and they deposited it for March’s rent.  This check was roughly $200 more than our rent is supposed to be.  So now our bank is overdrawn, with fees etc.  It might not have been a big deal if they had waited 1 day for me to deposit my paycheck.  (I had planned to turn in rent right after my deposit, so by no means was I late or anything)  After my incredibly stressful work week, I was REALLY looking forward to a chill day off on Friday.  But it was not to be.

I have basically spent the last three days trying to figure this out with the property management company.  Because, of course, they “can’t” just write us a check to refund us the extra amount.  No, no, that would be too easy.  They tried to placate us by telling us that we have a credit on our account for next month.  But that doesn’t really help that we have a very strict budget, and really need that extra $200 for groceries and gas.  So they offer that we can keep the credit AND will get us a $100 gas card.  Ok, fine, we can make that work.  But we were supposed to have said card first thing Saturday morning… and here it is Sunday night and we do not have it.  All because the gal in the office forgot that her boss is off on weekends, and she needs her boss to get the money so she can go buy the gas card.

*facepalm*

In other news: FRIDAY WE MET WITH AN ADOPTION AGENCY.  There is really only one major agency here in the Northwest (based on my rudimentary internet research)  While they have a wide range of reviews, good and bad, for them on a national level, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to just go and get some info.  It was fairly laid back, we met up at a Starbucks and chatted for about an hour and a half, about the adoption timeline and getting questions answered.  While we met to discuss domestic infant adoption, she brought up some interesting points about foster-adopt.  While we haven’t decided to pursue that, it wasn’t really something Hubster or I had seriously considered either.  Since one of the biggest complaints about this agency is how the birth mothers are treated, I tried to ask a lot of questions about that.  What I found impressive is that, while they are a national agency, they do as much regionally as possible.  So, for example, our adoption books would be showed to local birth moms.  There are regular outings/retreats for the birth moms.  By keeping thins on a local scale as much as possible, they are able to make a better commitment to avoid anyone falling through the cracks in the after-care.

I still don’t know where I stand.  I’m doing my best to be open to all the options.  To see where God leads.  In a lot of ways, I want to do it all.  I want to get (and stay) pregnant.  I want to adopt, I know there are so many wonderful children in need of a loving home, and my heart aches for them.  But the idea of taking on an older child (or children, there is a great need for people to open their homes to sibling groups) just seems so much bigger than an infant.

And I can’t even have a pint of ice cream to satiate myself from all the stress with food!  But on the upside?  This morning the scale read 208.5.  More than 40 pounds gone.  Kind of crazy to think about, that I was ever 250 lbs.  But clothes are fitting better, I’m feeling better, so I’m just gonna keep plugging along, trying to eat right.  And I even started taking my vitamins again.  Which includes the Metformin.  Which equals exactly 20 pills every day.
AM: fish oil, multi-vitamin, calcium, metformin, collagen, and herb from my acupuncturist called Suan Zao Ren Tang.  (Supposed to help balance me out so I sleep better – and it actually works!)
Noon and PM: fish oil, multi-vitamin, calcium, metformin, collagen, folic acid, and the SZRT.
But if I’m really going to try and take care of myself, and be open to any option God has planned for us, I figure my pills should probably be taken.

Grumpy Gus

I find myself back in the “waiting purgatory”. I’m waiting for insurance to kick in (March 1st). Waiting to get in and caught up on regular doctor stuff (establish a general practitioner, obgyn, dentist in March). Waiting to check in the fertility specialist (most likely April, after seeing the regular doctors and giving me a chance to figure out what will and wont be covered, which means we probably won’t be really ready to do anything fertility-attempting-wise until May). Waiting to lose weight (12 flingin’ flangin’ pounds to go!).

I’m sorry, but if you can’t still buy clothes in the regular departments, don’t whine about losing 10 lbs. as far as I’m concerned you fall into the “skinny bitch” category. When you have to buy clothes in the “women’s” section if the store, then you understand my pain. The last time I was in single digit pants was elementary school… Maybe junior high school. Definitely not in high school. I look at pictures of my size 13 self and think how skinny I looked! (of course compared to my size 0-6 friends I felt fat and ugly, but now I just think I looked normal.)

So I sit here and eat my zucchini-potatoe-cilantro soup (that probably would be tasty if I hadn’t cooked it wrong last night so now it tastes weird and kind of gross- don’t try to substitute olive oil with walnut oil when sautéing vegetables) and just hope I can check one of those “waiting” items off my list. When what I really want is a giant chunk of chocolate.

The Drinking Infertile (An Insomniac Rant)

I had a number of comments on my previous post, from wistful women wishing they had a beer.  So I figured I would take a moment to explain why I drink. (Insert witty joke here….  I know you wanna)

When I first started TTC, I seem to recall I did everything “correct”.  I stopped drinking, stopped smoking (I was only an occasional purveyor of cloves and shisha in a hooka, so it wasn’t that big of a deal) and ate right blah blah blah.  6 months down the road my charts were flat-lined, I went to a fertility doctor, ran a lot of blood-work and inter-vaginal ultrasounds (Goodbye personal bubble!) and determined I. Don’t.  Ovulate.

I have a medical condition that inhibits my ability to get pregnant.

No amount of teetotalling will change this.

I just do not believe that one night of beers with friends will impact my pregnancy chances 2 months down the line.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I, as a general rule, am someone who is a worrier.  Paranoid.  Second-Guesser.  I remember having my first panic attack in 5th grade.  And they continued through High School and into College before I finally saught the help I needed to get it under control.

I still occasionally have panic attacks.

BUT – Because I tend to be strung-so-tight, I have come to a place where for the sake of MY sanity (not to mention Hubster’s) I just have to let some things go and think logically.  *Do not attempt this on your own, I am a trained professional.-I know many of you readers out there are thinking you want to try this at home ;)*  Admittedly, this has taken a long time.  Several people (A licensed Psychologist, Psychiatrist and numerous Counselors) were involved in me coming to this place.  There are certain things that I will do to try and feel “in control”, but the fact is, that there is really nothing I can do that will 100% guarantee me a pregnancy, let alone a successful full term pregnancy, let alone a child who is healthy, smart, well behaved, well adjusted, and eventually a successful adult.  Sure, some things will help my chances, but I do not enjoy being stressed out, paranoid and anxious.  So occasionally I’m going to have a beer with my friends (as long as I know I am not pregnant), and occasionally (when I can fork over $12 a gallon) I am going to have super-tasty, super-nutritious raw milk.  And I’m going to hang out with friends that are sick, and friends’ kids that are sick.  And expose my immune system to all sorts of junk so that it can build itself up – I’m working on being the healthiest old lady ever.

I refuse to live in a bubble.  (Unless I suddenly find I have some kind of auto-immune disorder.  And for my readers who do have that, I absolutely understand that you have to live a certain way.)  By freaking out over every decision “Can I have a drink with my friends?  Should I only have a sip?  No, I’m going to hold out in the event that this one drink could ruin my chances of fertility forever more…” it just makes me one insane stress-case.  I remind myself of all the women in history who drank alcohol (because water wasn’t always safe) and all the women who regularly consumed non-pasteurized (aka Raw) milk and milk products.  All the women who smoked and wore corsets during their pregnancy and did hard drugs and still got pregnant and stayed pregnant.  Women who were a lot harder on their bodies then I am on mine.

Now, I say all this while I am still not trying to conceive.  With Hubster currently working 12 hour days, 7 days a week, there has not been time to go get the HIV test, let alone any energy for sex.  (I hate the term “baby dancing” BTW… since it means SEX, it just sounds really immature.  We’re all adults, lets use the “grown up” words!)  So I am just focusing on losing weight, being all-around healthy (body, mind, and soul) and he will take the test in January, and start trying in February when my insurance kicks in.  Perhaps at that time I will start stressing out and decide to isolate myself.  This is when I wish I had started blogging when I first started TTC, so I could look back and really see what I had done back then….

I hope that by getting this out of my brain I can now go to sleep, stupid insomnia came on suddenly which made me get out of bed and come over to the laptop… but now that I have written when I’ve been stupidly thinking about, I’m hoping I can fall asleep because it is 1am and my alarm goes off at 5:30…. Joy.

Blah Blah, I’m busy, Blah.

Hey everyone.

I know, you all just sit at your computers all day waiting for my posts, hu?

Since I know you all have lives, and other blogs you read, I assume that’s just not true, but here’s an update on moi:

Wednesday:

-1AM got my new job offer!  Day 37 of 100…

-Went to my Weight Loss Clinic.  I was late (pretty much my biggest phobia) but the staff was super nice.  I offered to reschedule but they squeezed me in.  Since my last weigh-in (oh… about two months ago at this point) I have lost 3 pounds.  THREE????  I suck balls.  *sigh*  But the doctor I saw today (different than last time because I had to reschedule so many times) was really kind about it, and we chatted about my plan on moving forward.  He also gave me a prescription for Phentermine, and because he knows we are tight on money (and also just for my overall health) he told me to half the dose so that a month’s supply will last two months.  Basically it is just to help control my appetite so I can think rationally about what I put in my mouth, as opposed to going all insane-Hulk-like on my kitchen and stuffing my face uncontrollably.  I also sucked it up and bought some of the pre-packaged foods.  A shake mix, and a couple boxes of protein bars.  Basically the shake starts my day off on the right foot, and the bars are to help when I’m out and on the go and can’t pack meat and yogurt around with me in a hot car all day.  Here’s hoping I can make some real progress that stays off! *waves pompoms in the air, jumping up and down* Staying peppy and optimistic, right?!

-Met up with Alex.  She showed me some of her super cool pottery (If we didn’t own an excessive amount of mugs I would have bought one… or ten.  Seriously guys, go check out her blog and her art!)  I figured we would chat for an hour or something and she would walk away thinking I was one of the strangest folks she has met in a long time, but we ended up talking for around 3 hours (give or take a half hour.. or hour?) and I had to end the conversation only because I had plans with Blithe and his husband.  It was so great to make a connection with an ALI person IRL.  We have different stories, but the emotional experiences are similar, and it’s so great to sit over coffee and have someone GET it.  I’m hoping that when I go up to Seattle for my monthly weigh-ins we will be able to hang out.  (That is, if I didn’t scare her away.  I feel like I either get shy and saying nothing, or shoot off my mouth because I’m too outgoing and end up doing some serious over-sharing…)

-Had dinner with Blithe and his hubby, Nordy.  I haven’t seen Nordy  is for-ev-er, because I’ve been busy and he has been jetting off the last month or so since he works in fashion and was bouncing back and forth to NY and LA.  But I love hearing his stories.  And caught up with Blithe, it’s his first year teaching and so he also has some pretty humerus stories of the “things kids say and do” variety.  We also chatted a bit about how Hubster and I are doing.  Unlike certain family members, they are so non-judgmental and understanding.  They often have really great insight.  I wish we had moved to Seattle instead of Tacoma so we could visit more often… C’est la vie!

Thursday:

-Got up and went to my nanny job for a couple hours.  I hadn’t slept well and was just exhausted, all flippin’ day.  But I did my best to keep up with them, and we walked down to a local park for a bit.  But by the time I got home I was so tired I had a major headache and nausea from it all, so I took an epic nap.  It was fabulous.  Epic nap = Day 38 of 100…

-Made an apple tart, and went over for dinner with some folks from our church.  Hubster wasn’t feeling well, so unfortunately we only hung out for about 2 1/2 hours.  The family was really nice and hospitable, I wish we could have stayed longer.  Most of the conversation had to do with our church, and while that’s great I wish we could have gotten to chatting about other interests.  You know, do they garden?  Do they camp, scrapbook, go antiquing, rock the Wii, underwater basket weave?  I guess I was just hoping we would have something else in common other than church.  Hopefully with more time we will find more connections.

It’s tough, because I really am motivated to make connections, make friends at this new church but I just haven’t really “clicked” with anyone other than the main Priest yet.  And we are set to be Baptised and Chrismated October 16th and we need folks to be our Godparents and that’s hard to do if you don’t really know anyone to ask…

Friday:

-Slept in.  🙂

-Eating right.  🙂

-Swam 24 laps/30 minutes.  🙂

-Chilling on the couch watching Tosh.O with Hubster and all the critters.  🙂

Overall, good day 🙂  Day 39 of 100 Days of Happiness.

In other news:

Not looking forward to having to be at my nanny job tomorrow at 7am.  I already told her that when my new job starts I am happy to continue nannying, but in the afternoons.  I need to allow my body to move to a new sleep schedule.  I’m actually getting a little frustrated with people who don’t understand that, and expect me to be awake during a “regular” day… I mean, when the hell am I supposed to sleep?  And trying to go back and forth in sleep schedules causes all sorts of insomnia and other sleep issues.  No thank you!  So I have a feeling I may start being b*tchy about it when people want me to wake up at “normal” times…

The warning is out there people.

You have been warned.  Just sayin’.

Beware the wrath o’ BleedingTulip!

*makes a scary face, except it just comes across as kind of a pathetic attempt at looking scary*

*sigh*