Archive for the ‘Pacific Northwest’ Category

A Picture Post

Saturday, we joined Suzy, her husband Professor and their two children to go to a local tree farm and cut down our Christmas tree!

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Hubster and I on the “hay ride” – the farm runs year round so they have a tractor haul a flatbed with hay on it from the parking lot to where the trees are. This preggo lady didn’t object!

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Hubster cutting our tree… We chose a little one this year since I wouldn’t really be much help hauling a giant tree up 3 flights of stairs…

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My husband, the sexy beast, just hoists it up on his shoulder like it’s no biggie… I have to say there is something about a tall dark and handsome man, with a fabulous beard, doing manly things that gets me all twitterpated!

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Hubster and our tree!

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Sunday after church we I made cookies, threw dinner in the crock pot, and then we Hubster pulled the decorations out of storage and then WE decorated the tree. I always grew up with a different “theme” on the tree each year… But since the animals have been so anxious lately we chose to go only with non-breakable ornaments, (in case it accidentally gets knocked over…) which meant a hodgepodge of things from childhood through today. I guess this years theme is “nostalgia”…

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The cookies I made… Mini spiced pumpkin cookies with rum icing! Very tasty for munching while listening to Christmas music and putting up decorations 🙂

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Last but not least: 35 weeks pregnant!!!

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If I could mail you all a postcard…

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The view I am blessed to have for my bi-weekly morning walks 🙂 Wish you gals were here!

Epiphany! Yay!

Ok, thank all of you for the many smacking-me-upside-the-head comments the last few days.  Yesterday my brain finally clicked into place on a lot of things.  But let me start from the beginning.

We went to a wedding.  The bride was a friend from our first year of college.  The wedding was beautiful, so elegant and colorful (The bride had balanced a deep plum with a light-yellow-buttercream, with accents of orange-to-red, light lavender, and light green.)  There was amazingly approximately 15 people from our class (including two teachers!) and it was so great to reconnect with this old group that is a lot of really wonderful people. Amazingly it did NOT rain, and was beautiful and sunny during the ceremony (although the rain came out during the reception, thank goodness for the tents!)

It was weird though, because as much as I was getting a lot of joy and happiness out of visiting with people I haven’t seen in WAY too long, and I was really really happy for the happy couple… I couldn’t help being a bit bitter and jaded about the whole affair.  Remembering my wedding, and thinking if someone had come up to me on my wedding day and told me that I would face infertility and infidelity I would have laughed them off (or kicked them out for being such cruel, insensitive people).  And my husband was hearing all the vows and joys and getting all mushy and romantic which only caused me to get more irritated…  But it wasn’t like we were really in a situation where we could get into it.  Thankfully my friend Jewel had called, so I went off for a bit of space, and called her back, and allowed myself to get into a better head-space before rejoining the party.

The interesting thing was, as I was catching up with everyone, and talking about what we have been up to, I felt like I had to have an explanation for why we were taking a break from TTC without going into the entire incident-thing.  And so I found myself explaining about the weight gain, and how I’m trying to lose the weight.  And explaining that we need to wait to have steady work (ideally with some kind of insurance!) and all of that means we probably wont be back on the TTC wagon until January.

And suddenly, I realized how true those things were.  How they were the responsible things.  And all your comments came to mind.  That it is just plain NOT worth is to potentially expose myself (or a future baby) to any kind of STD.  And I also realized that the silver lining of this whole thing is that I am forced to take the time to accomplish my weight loss, and job status.  With all the baby-craziness that I have infecting my brain, it’s easy  to want to TTC even though I haven’t lost the weight.  To be illogical and irresponsible.  So now, I have to be responsible.  And that really is a good thing.

So, no unprotected sex for 3 months.

I think a lot of my stupidity can be acknowledged from Decision Fatigue.  (If you aren’t familiar with that post, do read it.  I can’t really sum it up)  The fact is that every day I have had to make a LOT of decisions.  And all these decisions feel so incredibly important.  Am I going to let Hubster touch me?  How long can this hug last?  Should I make an effort to hold his hand?  It would be a lot easier to go one of two ways.  File for divorce and walk away.  Or give into denial, and more forward like nothing happened.  And I fell into the later.  I was just so tired of talking about everything, thinking about what happened and what it means now and what it means for our future and everything that it is going to take to really face all of it… I just wanted a break.  But just like a divorce, it doesn’t really solve the problem.  I can’t pretend or ignore the problem away.

So, now I just have to figure out how I feel about condoms.  Maybe because we’ve never really used them, but I just don’t have a lot of faith in them.  Because, you know, they break and stuff.  So that means abstinence for 6 months.  Although admittedly that’s not a real immediate concern.

Just working on the relationship is enough.  And then of course weight loss.  And job hunting.  Ya, my plate is plenty full right now.  And that is just fine.

😀 Happies! 😀

Yesterday: Seeing so many wonderful fabulous friends.  A good handful and flown out for the wedding, but most of them actually live in Washington state, so I’m excited about the possibility of seeing them on occasion.  There was much talk about some kind of holiday party this fall.  Day 33 of 100.

Today:  We slept in (I am sorry we missed church, but we got to bed late since we were visiting with people for so long) and are having a really great, laid back morning just chilling on the couch listening to old country music.  Especially since it is overcast and misty, it’s nice to give in to the “sleepy” weather 🙂  Feeling very cozy!  Day 34 of 100 Days of Happiness.

How Do You Kick Someone Out of Their House?

~~If this is your first time here, or here for ICLW I put up a post on August 21st that covers my  infertility history.  Feel free to check it out 🙂 ~~

This morning was a whirlwind, I got up, ran to the groceries store for Polly, went to Q’s to drop off said items and feed the poultry, and milk goats, only to run back to Polly’s for stuff she left in the driver (and move the wet stuff into the dryer) ran back, delivered sheets, watered the garden, ran store again for more last minute items, went by Polly’s to get the last stuff in the dryer, when she suddenly realized she had lost her drivers license and was overreacting a teensy bit due to low sleep and stress of last minute-ness…  I was worried she was going to bail on this retreat of her and was trying to decide exactly how to force her to leave town.  Luckily, between myself, her fiance D, and Q’s wife F we were able to calm her down enough to finally load the LAST of the stuff up and strap her into the truck.  I very much hope she can relax and enjoy the retreat but since she’s involved in the food prep she may not get to as much as she should.

So now I’m back at Polly’s with 5 dogs, a dozen guinea pigs and 5 birds… after all the hustle-and-bustle it is oddly quiet!  So I figured I would use this time to catch up in blogland!    Then it will be back to Q’s in the evening to tend to all that is going on over there.

In all my crazy errand running and standing in check-put lines, I can’t help but brows the covers of various magazines.  Apparently Jen.nifer Ani.ston got good news from her fertility doctor that she’s having twins.  *unenthusiastic cheering*  You know, on one hand I think it’s great when celebs acknowledge they have to see a fertility specialist.  Spreading the word that infertility is a common problem and all that.  But then on the other hand, it is frustrating because she has (I would assume) a pretty fat bank account, and probably amazing insurance, so that while she has had to emotionally deal with infertility, I have to wonder if she has ever given a teeny tiny second’s thought to the expense of procedures, testing, medications… or the expenses associated with a newborn (or two!) and raising said children.  Even if you live in a country that covers a lot of fertility treatment, most of us are still average-Joe’s, working hard, having to weigh our pennies and think about what this all will cost at some point or another.

And well, I guess I feel like every time I turn around this week someone else is pregnant or having a baby.  People from my college days are dropping it like it’s hot.  I can’t help but think how when we started and I was 24 and everyone told me “Why are you even trying already? You’re so young!  You wont have any problems.”  And now I’m 26, and facing 27  in about 7 months… I can’t help wondering “When is it my turn?”  Don’t misunderstand, it’s not in a pity-party sort of way, just more feeling very confused by the way this has all gone.  Like I’m seeing my life through different eyes or something.  It’s my life but sometimes it seems like some weird OZ version of my life… it’s strange and discombobulating at the moment.  Like I was 24 and happily ignorant, and just woke up to find myself in someone else’s life 2 years later thinking “what just happened?”  Maybe I’m just still overtired from getting to sleep so late, and sleeping on a couch since the bed was taken last night so I didn’t sleep well.

Going to go read some blogs (yay ICLW!) and read 1 of the 3+ books I have waiting for me, and hopefully push through this bizarre feeling.

Happy thing for today: Drinking milk I collected.  Raw, not completely ruined pasteurized, and so delicious!  Day  of 100 Days of Happiness 😀

Sipping a chai

Alrighty, sorry about my backslide yesterday into pessimism. Part of the ice cream thing has just been that since it’s summer I’ve been craving ice cream but not really letting myself eat any, it wasn’t totally an emotion thing although due to my emotions I gave into my craving. On the upside, since I rarely eat junk like that anymore, it took a fraction of what it used to take for me to ease the craving and put the rest of the ice cream away in the freezer.

I also finally broke down and told Hubster that once he is back from the fire he is on in South Dakota he needs to get the ball rolling on getting out here. Yes, I’m a fairly independent person but I’ve officially hit my limit of trying to juggle weight loss, infertility emotions, job hunting, taking care of 3 dogs, etc etc alone. I tried to hold off, because he has been so gracious and supportive of me while I was in school, I wanted to do the same for him. But sometimes you just have to be honest and tell the other person what you need.

I have a post rolling around my head that I want write up but via my iPhone I just don’t think I can do it justice. Basically I had a very long conversation with K the other day about gay marriage (should it be legalized) and we had very different opinions on it, I was kind of shocked because I thought we would have been more in agreement… She got so hung up on terms. Anyway, I promise to write about it later, and would love to know your points of view even if they differ from mine. Let’s all just play nice, ok? 🙂

Today I went to try and license my car. Again. Apparently the government building it is in is closed on Fridays. Seriously?! Seriously! Sometimes you just have to shake your head and laugh…

What that means is I have 2 hours to kill until my friend Polly is off work and we can meet up. And since it IS Washington, I have found a little cafe to kick back with a tea, people watch, and catch up on some blogs 🙂

My happy for today: driving out to Port Orchard in the fog, crossing the Tacoma narrows bridge in dense fog, it looked like a fantasy cloud land, like the bridge just disappeared … Into a Peninsula-shaped-narnia 🙂
And also, this chai is incredibly tasty!

Day 9 of 100 Days of Happiness 😀

What do you get when you give two crazy cousins the day together?

I’m totally wiped so I’ll keep this short.

Had an awesome day, went up to Seattle to see my cousin… he really needs an Avatar since he’s like a best friend and we hang out all the time.  I dub him…Blithe. (Kind of sounds like a real name, but also describes his happy personality)

Anyway, so we grabbed some breakfast at a french bakery in Pike Place Market, then decided to walk onto the ferry out to Bainbridge Island.

The weather was beautiful and perfect, we did a little wine tasting and lunch at this amazing pub  (I had the best clam chowder EVER) and some local beer.  We walked all over that island and just chatted about all the random stuff going on.

The one downside is that my shoes decided to mutiny and get crazy blisters (I took my shoes off when I got home and it looked like I had gotten her.pes of the feet… seriously sad.) I’m looking forward to soak me toesies in a little bit.

Anyway, blisters aside, it was really crazy awesome.  I’m always getting my breath taken away by the beauty of this place.

Day 7 of 100 Days of Happiness.

Oh Happy Day

Yes, you can read the title to the tune of the music from Si.ster Ac.t 2

Alrighty, lots of fun to know and tell.

-The Car: I got it back on Tuesday.  Took it to get the emission test aaaaand…. it didn’t pass.  Joy.  I took it into the mechanic, they looked at the list from the emission test and checked out my car, and came up with another $1,000 to get it emission passable.  Except, I really can NOT afford it.  Sure, I would like to get the things fixed for the health of my car and the health of the environment… but I kind of have bigger, more important things to focus on right now with neither Hubster or I working at the moment.

-Friday: went to the doctor appointment.  Weight loss center in downtown Seattle. I payed $250 to spend an hour with a doctor, imputting my information into her computer thinga-ma-jiggy, and go over rudimentary nutrition information.  But here is the basic plan: 1300 calories a day, eating small amounts every 2 hours, writing down every thing I eat, Calories, Protien, Carbs, and Fats.  Protien has to be higher than Carbs, hoping for 250-300 grams of protein in a day, 10-20 (or less) grams of carbs, fats are unimportant because it is carbs that make you gain weight.  Fat. Does. Not. Make. You. Fat.

-Saturday: went down to Olympia to visit M and her 3 week old son O.  M is a single mom.  I have known her since junior high, and the thing is, she wasn’t just one of those people who always said “oh, I never want kids.”  No, M was one of those people who said “Babies?! Ugh, no, please gouge my eyes out with spoons before you heap that torture on me” so I have to give her credit for making the choice to have the child and keep the child.  Admittedly, she is having a hard time bonding although that could be in part because she is not able to breastfeed, but she is trying to bond and be a good mom.  I asked her what the biggest surprise has been since having O, and she said “That it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be.”  Admittedly, it was weird, to be on my side, desiring SO MUCH to be a mom, and to see her struggling so much to adapt to her new life.  But I tried not to go down the bitter lane, I tried to just hold that little boy and lose myself in gazing into his adorable tiny face.  I did ok with the diet until I went to visit M… it’s tough when I get invited to a meal, I’m not exactly going to whip out the measuring cups and start picking apart the food.  So that kind of got shot to sh*t.  😦

Sunday: I went to church.  The liturgy, the music, the homily… it was so great.  The amazing thing is, I get there about a quarter after 9, and in the Orthodox church you stand during the service.  The service starts about 9:30 and goes to about 11ish, and then there is coffee hour… so you stand for 2-3 hours straight.  And even though my feet and back get sore and tired, it is absolutely, totally worth it.

Then a really exciting thing happened, I really started connecting with some women today over the luncheon potluck (again, diet got all messed up… *sigh*), and ended up hanging out and helping them can peaches.  Mostly it was because ay excuse to socialize and make friends I am taking, but also I had never canned before so I was excited to see how that all works.  It was a really great time, and I was kind of sad to excuse myself when I saw the clock getting close to 4 because I had stuff to get to.  The cherry on top?  They graciously sent me home with 4 jars of peaches we had made 😀

In our chatting my blog came up and I gave them my URL, so we shall see if they decide to pop on over… if so, I feel like I need to clarify a few things about my “blogging philosophy” as it were:

-This blog is mainly about my experience with infertility, and all the emotional/psychological/physical things that can mean.  But of course sometimes (like this post) it’s just day-to-day stuff.

-I do not tend to edit or filter myself.  I write this blog very much like a train-of-thought situation.

-Those two things means often the blog get’s a little… “TMI”.  (Too Much Information)  This means I talk about some pretty personal stuff.  And it isn’t always pretty, or “socially appropriate”, but it is honest.  It is partly in an attempt to reach out to the ALI community for support (Adoption, Loss, Infertility) but also to chronicle this journey so that some day, when I look back, I wont have some rose-colored, idealistic idea of what I went through.  I only put this, so that you know what to expect.  So that hopefully I can avoid upsetting anyone because you thought this was something else.  However, since I gave you this URL, I’m trusting that you will keep confidential stuff confidential, and support my husband (who is referred to on here as “Hubster”) and I through this process.

So I ran home, walked my dogs, changed and got back into my car to drive a half hour out to Port Orchard where my friend Polly lives.  Polly lives on a “sustainable living/hobby farm” and will be off camping at the end of August.  She had invited me to go with her and her friends but for a myriad of reasons I had to decline.  The silver lining is that this means I can house-sit for her and all her critters while she is gone.  I cannot tell you how really excited I am to be “farmer” for the weekend 🙂  But of course it is really a lot of work so the reason I went out was to learn how to milk the goats (yes, that’s plural) as well as take car of the chickens/geese/ducks/pigs/extensive vegetable garden.  I felt like I should have been taking notes so…. here are my notes:

-Milk the lightest goat first because she is the most uncooperative.  And make sure she is tied.  Wash hands and udders with HOT, slightly soapy water.

-Make sure the oldest goat gets to eat as much as possible while milking because she get’s pushed around.

-Throw the baby goats a flak of hay while milking the adults so they stop whining.

-Goat food is the FIRST black tub.

-The second black tub is bird food.

-The third is hay.

-The fourth is rabbit food.  (Oh ya, they have rabbits too)

-Filter and weigh the milk, put it in the log to track milk production of each goat.

-Milk every 12 hours

-Do NOT water the squash, blueberry bushes, raspberry bushes, and the potato plants that have flowers or have yellowing leaves.

-Don’t forget to turn on (and off!) the drip hoses that run along the tomato plants

-Zeke the dog gets free-fed.  And sometimes run off.  Call him, go inside, come back out, call again, check the front door.

-Make sure to give fresh water to the rabbits and baby goats and the birds.  Adult goats and pigs are on automatic waterers.

-When feeding the birds, throw food in multiple piles so the baby birds and get to the food.

-Make sure birds are locked into the bird yard at night.  During the day they can roam the property.

-…. I think that’s everything. I really hope that’s everything and I didn’t forget anything already.

It was really great to hang out with Polly and her friends.  While hanging out we were talking about how I need to get my car registered and the drama with that.  I guess where they live they don’t have to do emissions testing, so they offered that I register my car at their address to get around having to spend money I don’t have right now.  At first I was like “no way” but I guess it’s fairly common, and I have to say, it would be a really great solution.  So maybe in the next couple weeks I’ll look into that.  Since I still have my Colorado ID, there is nothing to say that I don’t live with them.  I’m sure that it helps that I have known Polly since 5th grade, so with a history like that we’re practically family.

So then after having dinner with them and hanging out, I came home and gave MY dogs some love.  It will definitely be fun to take them with me out to the farm, where they will have a real YARD to run in instead of leashed walks.

And now, I’ve just been chilling on my couch, typing this out and watching the newest episode of True Blood.  Oh so good!  Can’t wait until next week…. they are magicians at ending episodes on a cliff hanger, which I both love and hate and makes me so much more impatient for next Sunday to roll around!  And nooooow, it is a 1AM so I probably should log off and get some sleep.  But really, I had SUCH a great day, I really appreciated all the love I got today after a fairly stressful and lonely week.  Hopefully this is just a hint of what’s to come this week 🙂     😀     🙂     😀