Archive for the ‘Perchance to Dream’ Category

Me any my crazy dreams

During nap time this afternoon, I had the following dream:
I was a vampire (thank you premier of season six of True Blood!) and that myself and several other vampires were being deported to Croatia. By train. From the US. So naturally some of the trip the train was half (only half?) submerged in water. I could look out my window and see a school of humpback whales swimming alongside us (although they looked more like oversized guppy fish than whales…) at one point I realized my mom was seated on front of me. And I was holding Seedling in my lap, and I kept trying to put two layers of bonnets in her head.

And then I woke up.

Trying to process out recent trip to California maybe? More on the trip later…


Another Wildly Popular “Insomnia” Post

Today, well, yesterday, I rushed from church as soon as it ended. Why? Because I had agreed to an earlier shift than normal at work. Why? Because I wanted to get done earlier. Why? Because I wanted to go to bed earlier than my usual 11 or 12. Why? Because our big mid-pregnancy scan is Monday. Early. And what happened? Excitement, nerves, jitters, and a sugar loaded bedtime snack (woops!) has given me one hell of a case of insomnia. With a mild side-dish of anxiety (although I’m keeping the panic attack at bay with breathing exercises) and a dollop of splitting-headache.

I haven’t felt a lot of movement. Just sorta-kinda-could-be’s of movement. Which means it could all just be in my head, and we are going to get heartbreaking news tomorrow. Hubster went to bed reassuring me that he felt everything would be just fine, which was soothing… But now he is asleep so the only company I have in the dark is my paranoia.

I’m so tired. I so need to sleep.

Oh. And I’m officially 19 weeks. Last week we began the drawn out process of buying up diapers for our cloth diaper stash. Which I’m simultaneously ecstatic about, and totally crushed that we may be looking at one more momento to be cried over if we get bad news tomorrow. But I’m gonna share it anyway, because I’m feeling a little loopy and crazy.


Listening to hymns, saying prayers… It helps. It’s just tough to combat the sugar high that is forcing my heart to gallop at racing speeds. Stupid pre-bed snack!!!

What To Expect?

Saturday ended up being a “mother daughter day”, we had lunch, went and saw a movie, then did a bunch of cooking (scones and quiche!) as well as added to my little deck garden. (It’s too dark to take pictures now, I promise some in the future!)  It was actually really nice and laid back, especially when events with my mom tend to end with me being frustrated!  And the movie we saw?  What else, but “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”.  I find myself constantly amazed by my ability to do things, or feel things, I wouldn’t or couldn’t have done 3 months ago.  But as someone who didn’t come by this pregnancy easily, it still informs how I watch a movie like this.  So the following is my review, and be warned, there are spoilers, although I try to keep them to a minimum.

The premise is that it follows several couples in their pregnancy/path to becoming parents.  I was pleasantly surprised that there was several acknowledgments of infertility in what is, by and large, a comedy.  One couple miscarries.  One couple has been trying to get pregnant for 2 years before they finally get pregnant.  Another couple has spent their life savings (including their 401k) on infertility/IVF treatments and are now pursuing adoption.  Then there is the couple who accidentally get’s pregnant (hard for me to sympathize there…) and the couple who get’s pregnant on their first try… with twins.  (Again, not a lot of compassion for them).  There is the pregnant lady who pushes herself too hard, the one who gets every terrible symptom and and side effect of pregnancy known to man, and the other one who experiences the easiest pregnancy where it’s all sunshine and unicorn farts (much to the annoyance of everyone around her).  All the husbands/boyfriends are by and large good guys, trying to do the right thing although each with their own flaws and fears.  Hubster had actually meant to surprise me and take me to this movie, and I think it would be worth it to see again, just so he could get the man points-of-views offered.  (It was particularly amusing to see Chris Rock in the role of father-figure. 

And as a big dorky fan of True Blood, I loved the screen time of Joe Manganiello as the eye-candy-jock.)

By and large, it was a good movie, I cried about 4 times.  (The miscarriage, the birth plan that lands in an emergency c-section with complications, the adoption ceremony… and some other time, I can’t really remember.)  Would I have seen this movie if I wasn’t currently pregnant?  That’d be a big “F NO!”, but in our current scenario, I’m glad I went.  I really liked that they showed so many different angles, so many different experiences.  Anyone who is in a good enough head-space to handle seeing several pregnant women on the big screen may well find this movie very enjoyable.

And then, today I took a nap, and had quite an intense dream, I felt inclined to share!  In my dream, there existed a mall-food-court type place that sold a varieties of cookies, with a variety of icing to dip them in.  And they had some kind of frequent-buyer card, and in my dream I had obviously partaken of their services enough, to have earned my free plate of cookies and icing.  Yippee!  But the lady was very suspicious of me and my free cookie card, and pulled me aside to question me.  Basically accusing me of being some kind of drug-seeker?  Then, in some kind of attempt to prove my sobriety, she asked me “How many Pugets are in the Sound?” (For those folks who don’t live ’round here, there is a body of water called “The Puget Sound”.  The question was as nonsensical as asking “How many Blacks are in the Sea” in reference to The Black Sea.  Or “How many Pacifics are in the Ocean?”  in reference to the Pacific Ocean)  As ridiculous of a question as that is in the light of day, in my dream world it was a valid question.  Sort of.  It’s like asking someone to say the “ABC’s backwards”.  Is it possible?  Sure.  But not something you usually request another person to do.  So, in my dream when I was asked the question of how many Pugets are in the Sound I found myself frustrated that I was stumped, and threw out “3” as a guess.  This lead the woman to continue to hold my cookie plate hostage and go off on a diatribe of the evils of drugs and drug seekers, and so as my pregnancy hormones raged, I dug through my purse and finally found my credit card and threw it at her shrieking “Fine, I don’t care if I get them for free!”
(I feel inclined to insert that I am not now, nor have I ever done drugs)

And that is when I woke up, craving cookies and icing.  And Cinnabon cinnamon rolls…  Which is the closest thing to what existed from my dream world.  Needless to say I had neither, so I ate a scone from Saturday with home-made lemon curd.  Tasty, but not the same.  I have to say, I’ve always been someone who has had strong food cravings, but it seems the last week or two that my cravings and food aversions have only stepped up.  I am glad that Hubster has been so supportive, he finds a good way to balance things by not trying to force me to eat what I can’t, but not indulging my every (rather unhealthy!) craving.    Thankfully, so far my weight has remained level… I can only hope to continue an even weight!

Why is my baby all the way over there?!?

I know how you all love my dreams.

A few nights ago, I had a very vivid one where Hubster and I went into the 20 week ultrasound. Suddenly Suzy showed up and pointed to an enlarged shot our our baby’s genitalia and said “See, it’s a hamburger. It’s a girl!!!”

And then last night I had a dream I was at a reunion of sorts with a bunch of Hubster’s and my old college buddies. In my dream they were passing around my baby and I started to get a bit grumpy that she (yes, she) was being handed off all willy-Molly so I finally approached one of the gals and asked for her back, when she revealed that what she was holding was a baby doll, and said “Oh, your baby is over there!” and pointed way far away at the other end of the room (which was suddenly a very large ballroom sized room) and in my surprise and anger exclaimed “What is my baby doing all the way over there?!?!”

So there ya go. Make of it what you will. I don’t tend to put too much stock in dreams meaning anything (I also had a dream I was stuck in some fairy tale land and my mother was trying to kill me and my sister was trying to save me. In real life my mother lives me very much and I don’t have a sister) but it was all very vivid and interesting and I thought I would share 🙂

My brain took crazy pills

I had THE weirdest dream last night.

In my dream I could feel the baby, as if it was just under the skin of my stomach, and it was at the top of my stomach, as in between my boobs and my belly button. And it would change sizes, sometimes as big as my hand, sometimes bigger, and the other times I wouldn’t be able to feel it at all.

Also, in my dream I was somehow spending all my free time just hanging out at my old job (although the building in my dream looks nothing like the actual building). I was like some desperate loser basically come back with my tail between my legs doing my old job for free (but trying to be casual about, hoping my boss wouldn’t notice). Two dogs ended up having lymphoma, and the dream ended with us tearfully sending one dog (along with a sample of its blood kept safe in a springform cheesecake pan????) on a rocket ship to mars.

Well… That was interesting. And the insane pregnancy dreams begin!

Oh what a day!

I had a terrible nightmare last night that my boss came up to me and said “I’m sorry, you’ve made too many mistakes, you’re fired!”. I woke up freaked out because it felt so real. Great way to begin the day, eh? But I get to work and my supervisor calls the back line (I hear she “want to talk” and immediately my pulse starts racing!) but she was just calling because she felt she “needed to reach out” to me, she knows I worry, she knows we need to do more training, but she’s been getting lots of good feedback from important co-workers, and I need to stop “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

It was really the BEST way to start my day, and my week. Especially since it seemed so outbid the blue! *big, deep, relaxing contented sigh*

Dreams, Drugs and Drama

I would like to start my post with a description of last nights dream.

I lived in some kind of sci-fi world, where I lived in community in some viking-type castle (mostly I have some image of a long wooden table that we all sat around and ate at) and wore viking-type-period clothes.  However, I could still drive a car, and there was video chatting (but not cell phones?).  Facebook was writing in chalk on a tiny giraffe, like seen in DirectTV commercials.  (For those of you who are not from the States, or those who thought the commercial was just plain funny, here is a link to it on youtube)  The scenery had gently rolling hills, scrubby grass…. and that’s about it.  I was trying to sell my friend Khimmy’s extra pair of riding boots for her (random?!) and somehow in the dream I was guilted into staying in Colorado and not moving to Washington  I woke up in a PANIC, heart racing and the whole nine yards!

Now, I tend to have incredibly bizarre dreams, and I don’t tend to wast a lot of time trying to decide what my dreams “mean”, but it felt like something interesting to share with you guys.  I’ve been laughing about it all day.

So, other then that, I just did a lot of errands today.  I washed all THREE of my dogs, got new headlights for my car and ordered the catalytic converter it needs before our road trip, I upgraded my phone finally (hello iPhone!), picked up some hangers, worked on laundry and packed away all my work scrubs.  All fairly standard stuff, doesn’t exactly make for scintillating blog-post material.

I keep thinking about the appointment on the 11th.  Trying to think of what to ask, trying to anticipate what they may want to do.  I feel like the Clomid, even when I was taking 150mg a day, didn’t really have a very strong effect, I really only ever had 1 good looking follicle, or maybe once there was 2 small follicles per cycle.  So I want to try something else, or in addition to, Clomid.  I know many of you have suggested things in the past but it would be awesome if you would recommend it to me again here!  I am not worried about injections, so I’m willing to try them if you think they would  make a big difference in our chances.  (It’s weird, I am a bit of a needle-phobe, but really it is with getting my blood drawn.  I think because they have to fish around for my vein?  But an IM or SubQ injection seems so blase lol!)  I can’t believe that in exactly 1 week my dad will be here, our Budget truck will be already loaded up for the next morning (hopefully!), I will have said my last goodbyes to my Colorado friends, I will have cleaned the house (scary… I don’t want to think about that right now!)

On one final note… my mom is driving me insane.  I know she is excited for me to come out, but I feel like she is already planning every spare second to be together, and that’s not going to happen.  I think what annoys me the most is that she doesn’t ask “Hey, do you want to spend that weekend together?”  she says “I’ll do whatever you want to do, we can unpack and decorate or go to your cousins baby shower…  As long as we are together, that’s what matters.  I just want to spend time with my daughter”  It makes me want to gag, it’s all sugary and smothering.  Growing up my mom instilled in me the importance of being an independent woman.  And it seems like now that I am one, she wants me to be 8 years old again so she can braid me hair and talk to me in the weird cooing baby voice.

I also get frustrated that when I tell her things (like the fact that we decided that Hubster should continue fighting fire for the summer) she immediately jumps to the conclusion that something is wrong in our marriage.  And gets all freaked out and ready to jump to my defense when the fact is,we are FINE.  We agreed MUTUALLY on this.  I know she has had 2 failed marriages, but sometimes it makes me feel like she is expecting us to get a divorce and I don’t know how to make it any clearer to her that for many reasons, including out religion, divorce is not an option for us.  (Unless Hubster started beating me or something… divorce is allowed in Orthodoxy but it is within certain parameters.  They don’t think people should get married or divorced casually)  Mostly I’m just tired of her putting her issues on us.

I have been trying to figure out how to address these issue.  But when I try to be tactful she doesn’t seem to get what I’m saying, and then if I’m blunt she gets all super-offended.  What is a girl to do???  And it doesn’t help that it’s usually later in the evening so I’m tired and spacey, so I don’t really think of how much she is bugging me until after I get off the phone and then I’m like “Wait a minute….”

I feel like if I tried emailing her, then she will call me up (again in this weird, slightly high pitched sugary voice) and say “Oh I completely understand” when, in fact, her actions do not change so it makes me think she does not, in fact, understand.

It sounds weird, but I’m looking forward to being able to deal with these issues in person, because phone and email just do not seem to work.

Sometimes I stop and think about how messed up my mother/daughter relationship is and am terrified that my kids will feel that way some day.  And that freaks me out even more than last nights dream did!