Archive for the ‘When Life Feels Like Sitcom’ Category

Being a Real Girl, pt2

Yesterday was a no good, very bad day. But it all came out good.

It started with me going in to get my dress altered. You know, that blue one I ordered? Ya, well, it was too small. And not just a little that she could let out. 3 to 4 inches to small. Not exactly the confidence boost a 4 month post-delivery mom needs. :/ I promptly returned the dress.

Then I found out that the apartment Hubster and I have been considering moving to is going to cost more than originally quoted. It’s a long story, but it just left me grumpy and frazzled.

And THEN I went to pick up our local produce box (similar to a CSA) at a community center. The woman behind the counter proceeded to argue that the box had been left FOR THE COMMUNITY CENTER and I was like “No, it has MY NAME on it!”

Grrrr….

I did some dress hunting online. Everything I liked wasn’t at a local store for me to try on. Until I checked out David’s Bridal. Sure, I’m not going to a wedding, but I need a nice dress in a plus size that isn’t going to cost an arm and a leg.

Then my mom showed up to babysit so I could go meet some old coworkers for dinner at Red Robin. It totally saved the day. I had a drink with alcohol in it. We laughed and joked and talked about what everyone is up to. There was even discussion of our various favorite vampire novels, I came home with some interesting titles to look up (if I ever have the time hahaha). It was just so refreshing to get out and have adult conversation.

The fun continued today, I went to have brunch with a different old coworker from a different job. She’s 38 weeks pregnant, and it was so cool to think back to just 5 months ago when I was all super pregnant. What I had assumed would happen, and how it all turned out so differently. We met at a bakery and indulged in donut-y goodness. (After dinner last night and donuts today, I swear its salad and water tomorrow!). Seedling was uncharacteristically good for the hour drive, mostly sleeping. It was a nice respite from her usual screaming. She woke up at the bakery, smiling and cooing and being very sweet. With her sleeping on the way back I decided to run by the local David’s and try on a dress I had seen online I liked. We got the right size, it was comfortable, in my price range, and we would be able to just get it in time for my trip. So I placed my order. Lookie at pictures! (They only had a black to try on so you can’t appreciate the draping detailing… I ordered it in dark blue…)
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Obviously must find a bra that doesn’t cover my entire upper back… Lol. Oh the glamor of a nursing bra…

On a Seedling Milestone note: today while changing her diaper, she reached for… and grabbed her foot!!!! She has reached lots, but this was the first time she’s gotten a hold of one! The photo is blurry, but it was the best I could get in the moment:
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A more recent update

By all means, please read my post from earlier today. If for nothing else, to listen to the song that is *my* song to Seedling. But that was a post a month in the making. Here’s some more current news:

-Twice this week Seedling fell asleep before her standing 2am time slot. One was midnight. The other (last night) she fell asleep by 10:30, getting Hubster and me to bed by 10:45. And she stayed asleep until 5! * happy dance * of course I won’t expect that to happen tonight (I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed) but its an exciting step in the right direction. At 7 1/2 weeks old I’m thinking we are on the back slope of the fussiness bell curve.

-I cannot believe this Saturday she will be 8 weeks old!!!! She is officially out of newborn clothes, solidly in the 0-3 month sizes.

– I’ve been working on slowly reading “The Happiest Baby on the Block” and while I’m holding out on agreeing with everything (some of the authors ideas of how/why we evolved seem lacking in evidence) the parts about recreating the womb make a lot of sense and what we’ve incorporated seems to be working! Loud white noise, for us we chose the sound of rain, (thank you WhiteNoise App!) and firm jiggling seems to be helping work through “the midnight fussies”. I suck at swaddling but the Ergo, with its snug body hold, seems to have a similar effect, and this week we finally figured out nursing in the ergo so we have “Shushing”, “Swinging”, “Swaddling” and “Sucking” down.

-Today has been a day of bodily eruptions. This morning, while changing a wet diaper Seedling projectile-pooped EVERYWHERE. Several prefolds, wipes, and the changing cover we’re taken down in the assault. This afternoon I took Glen to the local dog park so he could run off some of his excess energy and I could walk and get some exercise. When we got home our other dog Emma had vomited, urinated and diarrhead all over her kennel, blankets and herself. The blankets (technically old towels) went into the trash and I cleaned up the kennel and dog as best I could. This evening I woke up from a nap with Seedlinf to discover one of the cats had vomited all over the bathroom. *cue heavy sigh as cleaning commences once again*

Needless to say, I’m not feeling bad about consuming pizza and coke tonight. And chocolate. There will be consumption of chocolate!

So much can change…

Well, in the last couple of days I:

Lost my job

and

Am still pregnant.

Yup.  Go ahead and take in that information for a second.

Friday I got called into work.  I normally have Fridays off and work Saturdays but they needed help on Friday and Saturday was going to be really slow, so they said come in Friday and have Saturday off.  I thought that was actually pretty cool because Jewel was having a party for her boyfriend’s birthday Friday evening and that meant I could actually go and not worry about staying up late with work on Saturday.  So I went into work, and everything went pretty routine.  My boss really appreciated me coming in, I told her it was no problem.  I did express that I have been having some faulty memory with the pregnancy, and have been doing my level best to write everything everything EVERYTHING down.  I knew that on Sunday I was scheduled for a “treatment day”.  That means the clinic is closed, but if there are animals boarding that need medicating a technician comes in to give it.  Well, sometimes depending on what the medication is (or if any medication is needed at all) the technician that day doesn’t actually have to come in.  As I recall, my boss and I had a conversation that since I didn’t work Saturday, I would call Saturday evening to see if I would need to come in Sunday.  Because on Friday it is hard to predict what may or may not come in on Saturday.  I knew there was an extremely dangerous dog in boarding that needed medicating, but it was well known that no one could actually handle him, his meds were thrown into his run in pill pockets for the dog to eat on his own.  So Saturday evening comes around and I call into work.  Now my boss (technically the clinic administrator) was not in, but I spoke with the head treatment technician, who consulted with the head doctor (and owner of the clinic) and they decided that I did not need to come in.  They said that the two animals that needed medicating could just be handed pill pockets by the kennel technicians.  So I did not go in on Sunday.  Sunday I come out of church to find multiple phone calls and a voice message from the kennel technician at work, wondering where I was.  I immediately called her back (only got her voice mail) and explained I had been told not to come in by the the doctor and the treatment technician but that I was more than willing to come in to work.  I called and left a similar message for my supervisor, who the kennel technician and stated was “very miffed” I hadn’t shown up.  Eventually I got a call back from my supervisor wherein she insisted that she had told me specifically to come in on Sunday and basically accused me of going behind her back and shirking my responsibilities by calling into the clinic on Saturday.  I tried to interject that was not my intention, nor my memory of our conversation, but that only made her more irate, so I settled on just apologizing and agreeing to discuss the matter further the next day that I worked which was Monday.  I got off the phone and burst into hysterics, feeling like I’m going crazy.  Why do I remember the conversation from Friday so differently??  How am I going to do this job if my memory is going to be so faulty??  Hubster was so great and supportive, we went out and bought more notepads to keep in my pockets and encouraged me to not be too worried for the talk with my supervisor.  She had on more than one occasion told me I was one of her favorite vet techs, that I didn’t need to be worried my job was always at stake.  So I drove into work bright and early Monday morning basically prepared for a tongue lashing, and go about the day.

I knew I was in trouble when she didn’t have me clock in before out meeting.  She basically would not let me speak a word, reiterated that there was absolutely no place for a misunderstanding that she wanted me to work on Sunday, that it did not matter that I had spoken to the treatment technician and the doctor, that the kennel technician was terrified of the dog (Hello!  I’m terrified of that dog!  Don’t touch it, idiot!) and that the kennel technician had messed up giving the medications (Not sure how that’s my fault that she didn’t read the directions on the drug bottle correctly) and then went on about how she had always stood up for me when the doctors and other techs had been upset with me (Um… ya, like 5 months ago when I started and my attempt at confidence had come off as arrogance but since then I’ve only heard how much everyone loves to work with me) but that she couldn’t stick up for me anymore, that she wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior by anyone and that she was letting me go.

But, you know, she still likes me as a person, and knows I try really hard.

She took my keys and I left.

I was just so in shock, it took quite a while before I could actually cry.  I can’t believe she would take what happened so personally.  It wasn’t an attack on her or an attempt to shirk my duties.  Admittedly driving 45 minutes, and paying a toll, for 15 minutes worth of work sucks, but if I had been told to come in, I would have come in.  I just don’t remember the conversation on Friday the way she remembered it, and she took it very personally.  I also have to wonder if some of this wasn’t also a bit of a power struggle between her as the Administrator and the Doctor/Owner.  They have had some pretty big arguments before, about which of the two us technicians is supposed to listen to when they give us conflicting directions.

At that point I decided to call the nurse.  My breasts had continued to not be tender at all, (and in the midst of “letting me go” the administrator told me that there was a way to continue my insurance for a while, so I figured I’m still insured so I’m going to use it while I can, until I can figure something else out) and basically I begged for another blood level test.  I gave myself Monday to just process what happened with the job.  My good friend Suzy invited me to run errands with her, and just be a general good distraction.  Hubster was really supportive (although leaning towards villain-izing the administrator.  I think that there was error on both sides.  I don’t know, I guess I don’t feel right just putting all of my anger on her.)

Tuesday I got up and decided to go walking with Suzy and some of her friends.  I figured the best way to start my day was by being active, instead of moping around the house.  I called in to find out my blood results.  Based on the 1,300 number from Wednesday April 25th, I had guessed the number from Monday would be about 7,800.  It was over 9,000!!!  I have to say, it really made my day.  Between that and the previous posts comments including the fact that the tenderness could go away, I was actually feeling really good.  Then the nurse went above and beyond and put in an order for an ultrasound in the next 2 weeks, just to give me peace of mind.  If she amazing, or what?

However, this morning I went into the bathroom and when I wiped, I noticed a small amount of brown discharge.  Of course I started panicking and called the nurse line.  She didn’t seem overly concerned (“Brown is old blood, so it’s something from a while ago, it’s probably just now working it’s way out.”) but again took pity on me and changed the ultrasound order to STAT.  So Hubster and I got in the car and went in for another ultrasound.  It was all very efficient.  The ultrasound technician was basically like “You’re last ultrasound was one week ago, so there isn’t much difference to see.  The gestational sack has grown and we can see the beginning of the egg sack.”  Nothing looked worrisome.

So now I’m home.  Did some dishes.  Made a call to go in and get information on WIC.  Started the process of filing for unemployment.  (What a pain!)  I’ve been thinking a lot about what kind of job I want to look for.  In a lot of ways, I’m actually not as upset as I thought I would be about losing my job.  As much as I loved the people, and loved the work, it is a high stress environment.  And I’m already at high stress about this pregnancy.  Add on my memory issues, and I was so terrified that at some point I would forget something vital.  I just don’t know that I really want to pursue another job at a vet clinic at this time.  I just don’t think I can handle the stress of trying to remember everything you have to remember for that job.  (Which trust me, is a lot.  Especially in a “general practitioner” where you see multiple species, and can see everything from healthy kittens to dogs with skin problems to rabbit neuters…)  It’s not that I wont look at vet clinic job listings, but will maybe try to find a smaller, less busy clinic.  Or a specialty clinic that only really deals with one issue.  (Like a dermatologist)  Or heck, I may very well apply for a job with a large, corporate coffee chain. 😉 Because they take really good care of their employees.  And there is just less stuff to worry about.  The other issue I have is that I feel morally compromised to go in and apply for a serious, long-term job and withhold the fact that I’m pregnant.  I feel less guilty if I’m applying for a job I know is going to be more temporary, that is just to help keep us afloat until the baby comes along.  And the sad fact is, that I was not making great money at my old job.  Because of a variety of factors (such as the fact that while I went to school, I have yet to get nationally licensed) I was making just a little more than minimum wage.  The veterinary field is not something you do because you expect to get rich, you do it because you love it.

And, to end on a positive note, I realized I never posted the original ultrasound from the 25th.  So here is my little blobby, 4 and a half weeks old.  🙂

Me vs. The World

I realized that perhaps it’s possible I’ve been a tad defensive lately. I mean, we have tried to be intentional and only tell people that we thought would be supportive and sensitive. And for the most part, that is true. There is probably only one or two people really “pushing” for us to work this out. Most people have been impressively neutral, encouraging me to focus on what I am feeling, what I want, what I need. But strangely enough, I feel like (and this may totally be in my head, I admit) bit it seems like general society-at-large would tell me to give up and leave. All you have to do is thumb through popular music, movies, the latest celebrity gossip. If my life was a sitcom, I would be the bumbling idiot, getting treated like a doormat.

And, ok, I don’t want that. One of my biggest fears in all this actually isn’t that we won’t be able to stay together, but instead is that I will be too accommodating, a doormat, etc.

I feel like the world would look at this and say “Why did you take him back? What makes you think you can trust him?” and I don’t know that I have a lot of “society approving” answers. So I feel like there is this pressure to have a lot if logical and reasonable answers.

But the fact is that relationships are not usually logical and reasonable unless you’re talking about a business relationship. Why am I friends with Polly, a person SO different from myself? Because I AM! I love her, she’s like a sister to me. So why do I feel so much pressure to justify my decisions about where my marriage goes when I don’t try to justify my other relationships?

Of course the really stupid thing is that I DON’T have to justify it to the world. Really there are only a few folks who I have told that seem to fall more towards the “leave him like any smart woman would”, but even then they haven’t exactly said that.

So I know a lot of you have told me to just feel what I feel, basically telling me to stop over-analyzing everything. And I promise, I’m gonna start doing that.

Or, I’m gonna try.

Really hard.

Gold star for effort?

Now comes the big question: to clean, or not to clean? The apartment looks like a bomb went off…

Can’t Make This Sh!t Up

I just spent the last 2+ hours chasing two turkeys around, trying to get them to go into their coop (aka SAFE place to sleep).  Why was I having such a hard time, you ask?  Well, I was chasing them through underbrush a minefield of thorny vines and dead tree limbs, tripping me every step, (me in my pajamas no less) and an assault of low-hanging living tree limbs attacking my face and hair.

I think I need another shower.

Whichever-Nincompoop-Historic-American-Leader that thought the country’s mascot should be the Turkey, I now think less of you. (Thank you Doctor Google, I now know it was Benjamin Franklin.  You sir, were a bit of a twit!)  I can most definitely tell you I am suddenly MUCH more enthusiastic about Thanksgiving this year.

The icing on the cake?  I go to go back in the house (rumpled, exhausted, twigs and bark and bit-o-plant hanging from me) and realize that one of the dogs must have jumped up and accidentally maliciously turned the lock on the doorhandle, so I was locked out.  Of course I immediately think back to this morning when Polly showed me where the hide-a-key lives…. as well as the memory *hehe* that I put it on my key ring *hahaha* which of course is in the house because *oh, stop, I can’t breath because I’m laughing so hard!* I didn’t want to have to dig the key out every time I came and went!  So NOW, I’m traipsing around the house jiggeling every screen that has an open window so I can break into my best friend’s home. *hysterical laughter ensues*

Ahem. *slow breathing*  

*please know all this italicized cr@p is sarcasm, as I sit and mock myself*

Well, I am inside.  Andvery tired of all this Tom-Foolery (Get it? Tom? Turkey?!  I’m so pun-y…  Can you guys tell I’m exhausted?????)

I got very little sleep last night, and was hoping to be in bed and asleep hours ago so I would be refreshed for my day tomorrow.  I thought about leaving those idiotic birds out, but then kept thining “What if they run into the road and get hit by a car?  What if a coyote gets them?  How can you face your childhood friend and tell her you let her down???” 

Oh my inner guilt-trip monologue.

Anyway, I felt I had to share my adventures of the “rascaly and farm-ous” with y’all. (Heeeeey, another pun!  Am I on a roll or WHAT?!)

And NOW, I’m going to bed come hell or high water.

Happy of the day?  That I got those damn birds in the coop.  I WON!!!!!!!! MAUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…. still day 16 of 100 Days of Happiness.