Archive for the ‘ICLW’ Category

Fuzzy Ramblings

***If you are visiting for the first time or for ICLW, feel free to check out THIS POST that sums up my IF journey so far***

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I caved and took a sleep aid because I was getting a pounding headache from lack of sleep… so now I feel like I’ve been wrapped in cotton or something, everything is fuzzy and tactile-less… it makes me feel like I’m getting sick.  But when I finally dragged myself out of bed at… um… 2:30? I was almost immediately thinking about ICLW, and the new blogs I will find today.

I spent the first two days of ICLW catching up on blogs I had kind of left behind.  A few months back, I stopped reading a lot of blogs.  It was for a variety of reasons.

Mentally, I went to this place where the pregnant bloggers, or parenting bloggers, I just couldn’t take.  I needed a break, some space, from it.  Not that any of those women did anything wrong, they were (and are) fabulous writers!  But it was just painful to still be on this side of the line, watching all the action of the game I wanted to be in.

The other thing was that I got genuinely really busy.  Between prepping for the move, packing, cleaning, trying to see friends as much as possible, I just didn’t have the time and energy to sit down and read 30 blogs a day.  Pushing myself to do it felt more like a chore then embracing in a community.  Especially since I tend to be drawn to bloggers that write longer posts  lol!  Then there was the move itself.  And then unpacking, setting up the new home, visiting with my childhood friends and family, job hunting…. and again was low on time and energy to sit down, undisturbed, un-distracted, and catch up. I have done my best to keep up with a handful of blogs, but it was nowhere what it once was.

I also think that I felt like my life was on hold.  Waiting to move, waiting to lose weight, waiting for my husband to get home… in some weird way I didn’t really feel like part of the community.  I was in time-out.   Or a penalty box.  Watching everyone try this, try that, but I couldn’t even try.  But I decided that this August I would join back into ICLW.  I knew that my weight loss is a part of my TTC journey.  I also knew that I needed to reach out.  My friends and family have been great, but with Hubster still in Colorado it is just tough living alone.

I try to keep perspective.  I think about all the military spouses, who are separated for 3 months, 6 months, a year.  I think about the pioneer women, living in TOTAL isolation while their husbands and sons went off to fight in the Civi War.  Maybe there is just something wrong with me?  Someone told me about an article that showed how children growing up around constant noise (specifically TV’s and radio) actually suffer brain damage, that can take years of therapy for them to get over so they can be comfortable in silence.  I wonder if I somehow, in my childhood, have always been so surrounded by people that being alone is more difficult then it was for historical people?

But then I remember that I am more of an introvert.  If I’m around people all the time I go a tad crazy.  I have often sought out solitude, especially in nature, to read a book, to think, to smell the damp earth, grass, ocean.  This is just a lot more solitude then I would like…

Anyway, I got off track of what I was wanting to write about.  I have been enjoying catching up on blogs I haven’t read in months, and getting to read new ones.  In some ways I feel guilty for having been away, but I also know it is what I needed at the time.  I am so thankful for Stirrup Queen for putting together ICLW, I think many of us (And I acknowledge myself in this) overlook how much work goes into putting together this event every month, while maintaining her own blog and numerous other projects.  I sometimes wonder what would become this community if/when she retires from the blogging world…  Although my guess is she will pass the torch to another, fabulous and dedicated woman.

So that’s my Happy for today.  That I’m back in ICLW after about 3 months off.  🙂

Day 13 of 100 Days of Happiness.

Bits and Pieces…

Ok, I’ve been sucking at blogging, updating, commenting and replying per ICLW.  Can we call it even in that I tent to follow/comment/post/reply to a lot on a regular basis?  Maybe that’s why sometimes I flake on ICLW week, because I do the act of ICLW all month long, so when it comes around it is the end of the month and I’m overwhelmed and pooped…  Meh, I’ll get caught up with everything on my next day off.

If you are here for ICLW, welcome to me crazy scattered brain.  Hope this isn’t too “Alice in Wonderland” trippy/random/TMIness.  Without further ado, here are the random thoughts flowating around my head.  I’ll try to organize them as best I can in my rather tired and out of sorts state.

1-Pascha was wonderful.  LOVED it.  Beautiful, moving, fun.  However it has really done a number on my sleep schedule.  We statred at midnight on Sunday morning and the service went until 3.  Afterwards was a breakfast-feast-thing where people ate all the things they haven’t been able to eat/drink all lent.  There was lots of sausage, cheese and wine to go around which I find endlessly amusing.  Finally got to bed about 4:30am.  Slept until 1pm, got up, showered and dressed and then went to a Vesper service at 3pm, and than there was a HUGE feast at about 4:30/5ish.  Everybody brought food and drinks, and I brought some desserts.  There was wine, liquor, and even a mini keg.  I’m telling you, Orthodox people know how to party.  And an egg hunt for the kiddos although admittedly I didn’t really participate in that. I texted my supervisor to confirm that there were no appointments for monday, thus I didn’t need to go in.  Super because I was tired, had a flat tire (thankfully Hubster put on my doughnut) I needed to get fixed in the morning and plans to see Rachel and my friend Bee.  Bee and I have both been SO busy I feel like it has been months since we just sat and chatted.

2-Hubster left for his flight, barely making it in time, but he did.  Yay.  However… at 7:30am (I was still asleep) my supervisor texts me to see if Dr.A had told me to be in at noon.  I tell her no, Dr.A never did not text me but I guess I can be there.  I. Am. Pissed.  It’s not enough that I don’t find out until 5 or 6 the night before if I am working tomorrow, but to call me the day OF?  Because I don’t have a life or plans or anything.  But I go in and don’t grumble about it, and try to change my plans a bit so I can still get some things done.  I get the tire fixed when I get off at 2:30 and go spend some much needed catch up time with Rachel.  She has decided to move back to her hometown of Philadelphia and is busy boxing stuff up and trying to get her house on the market.  I know she has missed that city for a number of months, and that it will be a comfort for her to be there as she works on healing over her current miscarriage. I looked at her at one point and told her I feel like we have come full circle, because back when we initially met she was wanting to move to Philly and I had just come back from Seattle and was highly desiring to get back…

Back to work… I was so upset I sat down at my laptop and wrote up a resignation letter.  I haven’t turned it in… we will see what the rest of the week brings, but I am just so DONE.  Because they are in no rush to bring me into the Technician position I find myself doubting my knowledge and abilities that I have because I went to school and have a degree in this shit.  The doctor wouldn’t even allow me to explain to an owner how to give their dog Benadryl.  Seriously?  Seriously!  I don’t need to be learning all the intracasies of scheduling appointments and calling overdue treatments, I need to be practicing writing out drug prescriptions, drawing blood, running urinalysis and monitoring anesthesia.  I go in tomorrow at 8am.  We have two dentals…  Like I said, I’m going to see how this week goes, but really, I have to admit that my heart isn’t in it.

3-I’m feeling excited about our future.  I’m excited that Hubster is out in Tacoma and testing and enjoying time with my family.  I’m excited that when I talk to him he sounds so much happier and freer, and I know that a big part of that is that he is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, he has about a week or so left with his current miserable job and then he will be off chasing fires.  I am excited about moving to Washington in July.  When Hubster and I discussed the option of TTC now or waiting until after the job one of the things we discussed were the costs… because even with insurance things like IUI isn’t covered.  The average IUI cost is $2,000.  Statistics tell us an IUI gives a couple a %15 chance of conception; conception, not a live birth.  I don’t know about you guys, but the way I feel is there isn’t any amount of money I wouldn’t spend to have a baby… but I don’t want to spend a lot of money and run the risk of ending up with nothing to show for it.  Hubster feels even more strongly about this.  After briefly pursuing surrogacy we know that genetics isn’t an absolute for us.  And so we have been talking about after we move and get settled… pursuing international adoption.  There are lots of different kinds of adoption, but way back when we very first started TTC we talked about “What will we do if this doesn’t work” and we both agreed we were comfortable about the idea of adoption, and that specifically we have a heart of international adoption in the Russian/Eastern Europe area.  We still have a while before we can really do much for it as far as doing paperwork or anything, but the more I think about it the more excited I get.  The more I realize that I am emotionally open to the idea in a way I haven’t been yet.  Infertiles often bemoan the casual “suggestion” from friends/family/strangers to “just adopt”.  There is a lot that goes into considering adoption, and one reason we have not really pursued it is because we currently wouldn’t qualify since we have a roommate.  I’ve also heard that they require couples make $60,000+ per year which we don’t… that works out to about $5,000 a month.  If we both can get jobs in the fields we want in the Seattle/Tacoma area I think those numbers are actually possible.  (Although I get really confused because many of the families that I know that had adopted don’t make that kind of money… Anyone know where I can get reliably accurate information?  There is so much misinformation it makes me want to throw my laptop across the room…)

4-I better get my butt asleep if I’m going to get up, shower and get to work on time by 8.  Damn insomnia…

5-Oh!  I almost forgot, here is the TMI I mentioned in the beginning…  Hubster and I had sex Sunday! *Happy Dance* It was very much what we call “sleepy sex”, so it wasn’t crazy-passionate-world-rocking-sex, but it was nice and since we were both so tired there was minimal pressure to be creative or something.  Hurray for us and our love life!