Archive for the ‘Bad Days’ Category

$20 phsychological diagnosis

Yup. I was crazy. I took a test. Negative. Even though I knew it was a super-slim shot I’m still feeling disappointed. I’m trying to see the silver lining that my period MUST be eminent and that gives me something to track. But still… Feeling a bit glum.

On the upside I bought the three pack so next time insanity strikes I can do something about it!

Pause

There have been good days. There have been bad days. The bad days have been really really bad. I’m struggling with burnout. Hubster gone 17 hours a day just sucks. I think I’m seeing signs of my depression history creeping back. At least I know what to look out for. In some ways, it feels like delayed post partum depression.

It used to be when Seedling cried I had these mommy instincts to want to soothe her. Now I feel rage and frustration mounting. I’ve yelled at her. Yelled at a 6 month old. Completely stupid. I’ve had to put her down in a safe spot and walk away for fear I would accidentally hurt her.

This is not what I pictured when I pictured being a parent.

I mean, I knew it wouldn’t be all sunshine and roses, but this RAGE is unexpected. Since I can’t unleash at Seedling it tends to come out at Hubster. So take bad mom and add on a heap of bad wife.

Sure, there is lots going on. The travel to California, the move, and somewhere along the way Seedling became a rolling machine and so I’m having to take into account baby proofing now.

I think the idea of her autonomy is scaring me. It used to be she would stay put. But she’s becoming her own person, and while that is great and important, beautiful and normal, it is also scary. Scary as I watch my friends (who are great parents) struggle with battles of wills with their three year olds, these little people who have their own alien senses of logic that don’t make any sense to our adult logic.

I’ve been stress eating. I can literally see the weight gain in the last month when I look in a mirror. I’m scared for myself, for my health, feeling completely out of control. I can eat a full meal and ten minutes later my brain is saying “you’re hungry! Eat! EAT! EEEAAATTT!!!” I’m worried about being healthy to be around and active with my daughter, worried that my food addiction will mess up her own food associations, worried that if I can’t get my weight down I won’t have a shot at more kids (I highly suspect weight played a big part of my infertility)

Add to the cupcake of rage, the icing of eating addiction, and the cherry on top of it all? Hubster got laid off work on Friday. Turns out the plant has some budget issues and had to shut down until they confirmed some funding stuff. Taking us from a single income family to a no-income family. Thanks be to God we still have a little money left in his trust account. The silver lining is he gets time with Seedling. I will get a little (much needed!) help around here. He also now has time to job hunt. (He hated his job but between work and school there really wasn’t time to job hunt effectively)

About the only thing that helps is taking the time to pray. I love that in Orthodoxy there are prayers for everything. Morning, afternoon, evening, meals, prayers just because I am having a rough moment. I just need to actually make/take the time to pray. Because when I do, it makes a huge difference in the feelings of anxiety, depression, rage…

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!

I cannot do those things

It’s been an exhausting week. Last weekend we flew (first time for Seedling!) to California to celebrate my brother’s graduation from the prestigious Air Force Test Pilot School (there were only 12 pilots in his class. This is a big deal) and while there was lots of fun and awesomeness, there was also a lot of being tired and stressed, because that’s just how things go with extended-family-events. We get back and, of course, Seedling has a little cold. Not a major disease or anything, probably just a big from flying etc. But when she is sick she pretty much wants to nurse, or nap in my lap. Which would be fine except we are supposed to move THIS WEEKEND. Then I had to rush my stupid dog Glen to the vet because he ate trail mix and was vomiting it back up all morning/afternoon and I was starting to worry he had an obstruction because he ate the almonds WHOLE. Twit didn’t chew at all! Thankfully NOT obstructed. Thankfully NOT a giant vet bill. But I got home and felt absolutely claustrophobic. Dishes that need to be put away, piles of laundry to put away, laundry that has been sitting in the dryer since MONDAY. Boxes piled up, some full, most waiting TO be filled. I haven’t been able to properly unpack. I’m eating random junk because I’m exhausted and there is no time or energy for anything else. Pretty sure I’m dehydrated, and I’m certain I haven’t showered since Sunday.

I need help. I can’t do it all. But Hubster has to be at work and school. Friends and family have their own lives to take care of. Even when people offer I just don’t know how to accept the help because I’m that far gone. I called my mom to vent and she tells me “Just take care of Seedling, walk the dogs, eat healthy and sleep as much as you can.” Like that’s the bare minimum to surviving. But you know what? I can’t do all of those things. I can’t. I try so hard to do it all, to pull myself up by my bootstraps. To tell myself to figure it out, to stay strong, be an adult, cowgirl up. But I’m out of steam. There’s no more energy. All I can do is the first thing on that list; take care of seedling. And maybe the dogs. But me? Ya, there’s no time or energy for that. And anyone who tries to tell me I’m a loser, or a failure as a parent can go take a hike because I’m already telling myself that.

I can’t do all these things.