Archive for the ‘Can’t Choose Your Family’ Category

Can I Call in “Overwhelmed and Pregnant” to Work Tomorrow?

Today was quite the day…. but let me rewind a little bit.

I forgot to mention in my previous posts that I have been on the lookout for impending-labor-symptoms.  Not the stupid-obvious ones that baby websites tell you about, but the subtle ones moms tell you about.  Increased cervical mucus, changes in bowel movements, changes in hunger/thirst/energy.  Things that probably lots of people miss just because they aren’t being aware of themselves.  Sporadically in the last two weeks or so I have been seeing some cervical mucus on the toilet paper.  This has turned into quite the obsession.  It used to be when I got up to pee 50milliontimesanight, I would just go in, in the dark because I hated trying to adjust to glaring lights and then adjusting to pitch black as I stumble back to the bed.  But not anymore.  I turn that light and LOOK at the toilet paper.  Any cervical mucus?  How much?  Consistency?  Any tinges of a bloody show perhaps???

In the beginning of seeing it, I would only see it about once a day, very egg-white in consistency   However Tuesday I found a little glop of it in my underwear (which in all my times of infertility and treatments and TTC I NEVER saw cervical mucus on my underwear -I just didn’t produce that much) and then again I saw some today!  And today, it seems to be changing from egg-white-y to more sticky-“rubber-cement” in consistence, and more than in the last few days.  So… maybe we aren’t *too* far away from progress?

Ok, but back to timeline-style.  Last night I was speaking with my mom when it came up that she had contacted Doula P, both by email and by phone.  Why? Why?! WHY?!?!  To discuss if my mother and/or father could do some kind of “trade” for her services so that Hubster and I wouldn’t have to pull as much money out of savings.  I was literally struck dumb.  I was so caught off guard  WHO DOES THAT?!  Who contacts a person’s business relationships to discuss changing the contract???  And then she goes on about how she wants to contact Hubster’s mother to discuss Hubster’s trust.  WTF?!  I made it pretty dang clear that was NOT ok.  But I was so upset at the time I really didn’t say much of anything.  My mom has done SO MUCH for us, and helped us in a lot of ways, I don’t want her to think we don’t appreciate that.  But I feel so violated and belittled that she would do that!  I couldn’t sleep last night, couldn’t eat breakfast this morning I was so upset.  I contacted my SIL (brother’s wife) to talk about it.  She is really familiar with my mom, and I felt would be a good sounding board in case I was overreacting.  But she encouraged me to write my mom an email (which I have done, just waiting for SIL to get back to me about her thoughts – to make sure I didn’t go overboard) and address this because it is just SO NOT OK.

Then I lost track of time and had to run out the door to make my lactation consultation.  Which went really well, the woman looked at my nipples, discussed some tools to help train my right nipple to be less flat, and showed me how to express my milk (which was totally cool, and also a little gross as the same time.) and said that could also help to train my nipple to be less flat, plus it never hurts to have a little extra Colostrum saved in the freezer!

So home I went, and did dishes, messed around on the laptop, picked up my knitting…. I’m starting to think that my knitting projects just will not be done in time for Christmas.  Thankfully I have some other homemade gifts, but it feels so… inadequate to do just the small things.  But I found a lot of relief in the idea that these could become Birthday presents for later in the year – not that it is an excuse to put it off, but I am just being realistic that Christmas is TUESDAY, and I work tomorrow, Sunday is church… I just really will not have any time to get them done before Christmas.

I also sent an email out to Doula P apologizing for the craziness that is my mother, and asked that if my mom said or did anything to offend her that I am SO VERY SORRY.  I am just so beyond humiliated.  I haven’t heard back from her yet…

(On a side note – I was so distracted and upset by my mom’s violation of trust that I completely forgot to feed the dogs and cats their breakfast until 3pm!)

Oh, and the girl a friend had “highly” recommended I contact about being our nanny? I had called and spoke with her yesterday… first impression on the phone I was not impressed… she called back today and left a message saying she isn’t interested/available/whatever.  Which on one hand is fine. But I spent quite a bit of time researching day cares in my area that would be open extended hours to accommodate my job… 3 out of 4 had a lot of red flags, and the 4th has not returned my contact inquiry.  Feeling a little lot anxious about having any kind of option of returning to work…

Then out again for the updated ultrasound.  Looks like all of Dr.B’s concerns about a “big baby” were unfounded.  She is measuring at 7lbs 4oz.  Yay!  The technician was like “I don’t know what he was talking about.  No 12 pound babies in there!  You’d have to be pregnant for a LOT longer to reach that.”  Seemed like everything was perfectly normal.  Unfortunately I didn’t get any new pictures – the baby is so big on the monitor that it would be like a close up of someone’s face – too difficult to really distinguish what anything was.  And in the time it took for her to do her (very quick!) ultrasound, I felt myself getting hot and then my hearing got dimmed… So having all of Seedling’s 7+pounds on my vena cava was making me faint.  Thank goodness the tech was so fast!  I brought my knees up and rolled over and sipped some water and am now perfectly fine but that was NOT fun.

Got home and had a brief chat with SIL, because she had been talking with my mom a little while ago… turns out my mother CALLED THE HOSPITAL.  I seriously could pull my hair out.  What the hell?!  I am not some 6 year old child who needs someone to hold me hand and double check that I’m doing all my research and homework.  So I’m feeling impatient for SIL to get back to me about the email so I can send that out.

This crap is just not going to fly.

I am so ready for this day to be over.

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Hodgepodge

So much to talk about… Maybe I’ll do this post bullet-style:

~(just because “~” is more fun than “-“, see, it has an artistic squiggle!)

~Tuesday Hubster and I went to see the preliminary, unedited photos from our maternity photo shoot.  I was so worried that with the rain and everything that I would look like a drowned rat… but the photographer is amazing and I do not, in fact, look like a drowned rat!  I love the pictures, and we picked the one that will be our Christmas card (she’s going to focus on editing that one first so we can place the order for the cards ASAP) It was funny though, even though I take “bump photos” I don’t really see pictures of myself very often, and certainly not multiple pictures from lots of angles all at once.  I exclaimed “Wow, I look really pregnant!” and both Hubster and Suzy (my friend AND professional photographer) looked at me and said “That’s because you are really pregnant!”  I tried to explain it to Hubster later.  See, I’ve always struggled with my weight.  So, I’ve always had a “big abdomen”.  So as far as how I feel, I don’t feel any different than when I was heavy.  Big abdomen.  I mean, sure, my abdomen feels different in that there is a heaviness/weightiness to it.  My abdomen isn’t squishy, it’s solid.  I can feel a little person moving around inside of it.  But there is this ingrained body image that I’m overweight, that I am generally large, and that I look like I am overweight.  I generally assume that walking down the street, people assume I’m NOT pregnant, but that I am overweight.  So it really was a revelation to realize that while I feel pregnant, I also  look pregnant.

~On a pregnancy-related note: I’ve always had an average amount of baby-fine hair.  Which means I tend to have styling issues.  If I don’t shower every 24 hours, my hair looks really greasy and gross.  If I don’t put hair ties on really tight, they slip off my hair.  If I part my hair wonky, it looks like I’m balding… but since being pregnant causes you to stop shedding hair, I have thicker hair!  And now, I can shower every other day and my hair looks fine!  (Like a normal person!) Hair bands stay in place!  My part doesn’t have to be perfect!  If only it could stay like this forever…

~Work is good.  Monday was a terrible, horrible, no good day because we were slammed, were having power surges which was messing with the computers and then we had a really horrific, bully of a client come in and I had to walk away or I was either going to scream at him, or cry.  In contrast, Wednesday was a GREAT day, very chill and very nice customers.  But through it all, I love that the people I work with are such great people.  They really try to pull their weight and work hard and help me out.

~Wednesday morning I had a midwife appointment.  Things are still coming along nice and normal, nothing really exceptional to report.  Seedling is moving, wiggling, rolling, had a good heartbeat.  My blood pressure is nice and low.  Everyone’s happy!

~Here in the states, yesterday was Thanksgiving.  I made grain free biscuits and stuffing, grain free pie crust, and my infamous family recipe pumpkin pie.  Can I just say… that stuffing recipe is the BEST EVER???  Even if you don’t need to eat grain free, it is delicious!  Hubster is NOT a stuffing fan AT ALL, and even he liked it!  And the pie crust was equally amazing, had great flavor and texture, and if I had not know it was grain free I would not have guessed that it was!  My dad, stepmom and mom all came over.  Hubster was really expecting a terrible time, lots of family awkwardness and that it would be uncomfortably cramped in our small apartment… but somehow it all worked out!  It was actually really amusing to watch my mom and stepmom take over my kitchen and work together and chatter away (mostly about how they think I have organized  X well but really need to improve the organization of Y with the baby coming… lol)  There was just two less than stellar moments:
1.  when my mom started digging into a pity party about how terrible her boss is, and then I just changed the subject much to everyone else’s amusement.
2.  when my stepmom started going off about how I must be so done with being pregnant and how terrible it was for her to be pregnant, but I just stopped her and basically said “I think after infertility, loss, and all my friends who have had really difficult (sick, bed rest, late term miscarriage) pregnancies I don’t have anything to complain about and am trying to enjoy every moment of this that I can.”  And that basically shut her up!
All in all it really was a great visit!  The food was amazing (I’m digging me some Thanksgiving leftovers!) and since everyone had to work nobody stayed too late and I got to go to bed early.
The Thanksgiving table… the tablecloth, china and silverware were my late Maternal Grandmother’s… it was nice to have a piece of her with us on the holiday 🙂

~The day after Thanksgiving here in the States is usually called “Black Friday” because lots of stores have huge sales, trying to clear out inventory etc with Christmas coming.  I’ve never been a big fan, getting up and standing in line at midnight to deal with a bunch of exhausted and cranky people bickering over who grabbed the last box of who-the-hell-cares just to save a few bucks?  Not my cup of tea.  But this year, I had my gift cards and cash gifts from our showers, and I did my shopping online to try and finish up some of the last, important things on our registries.  Of course I couldn’t get everything, but tried to grab all those last-little-things, and left the 3 largest items for the handful of family members that still want to get us things.  (I think it’s easier when someone says “What do you need?” to list 3 things, rather than 20)  I’m very happy I got my fabulous deals with free shipping, no lines, in my jammies and was in bed before midnight.  Anyone wanna read a list of what I got?  Because in my nerdiness, I made one!  (Hurray for lots of discounts and deals!!!)  I am also stupidly excited for packages to show up in my mail lol 🙂

Black Friday Loot
Bedding:
Serta Organic Contour Pad
Changing Pad Cover – brown dots
Changing Pad Cover- yellow dots
Organic Contoured Changing Table Cover
Graco Quilted Pack N Play sheet – ecru
Yellow Crib Rail Cover (1 long)
Yellow Crib Rail Cover (2 short)
Swaddle Blanket – Kiwi Triple Paisley design
Swaddle Blanket – Sterling Sparklers design
Jersey Sheet – Soft Yellow
Jersey Sheet – Yellow Stripe
Safety:
First Years American Red Cross First Aid Kit
Hyland’s Teething tablets
Summer Infant Oral Care Kit
Bottle Drying Rack
Universal Outlet Covers (6)
No Scratch Bottle Brush
Diapers:
OsoCozy 6 pack prefolds
Simple Step Diaper Pail
Rumparooz Pocket – Preppy design
Rumparooz Pocket – Lux design
Rumparooz – Ladder design (Hubster was a firefighter for 6 years, I couldn’t pass up a diaper with a firefighter theme!)
Thirsties Cover – Family Tree design
Thirsties Diaper Pail Liner (2)
Thirsties Hemp Prefold (5)

~Saturday we are meeting up with friends to go and cut our Christmas tree.  I’ve never done the weekend-after-Thanksgiving Christmas Tree thing… a little worried it will be a a mad house but I’m looking forward to seeing this group, especially as some of them live quite a drive away and we see rarely.  Than Jewel is supposed to come down Saturday evening to hang out for a bit.  We haven’t hung out for a while, and I will borrow some much-needed super-small needles from her to get started on a Christmas project.  Sunday has no plans other than church, and by gum, I’m keeping it that way!!!  Looking forward to an afternoon spent on the couch, hopefully getting some serious work done on my pile of Christmas present projects!

Speechless.

Last night, the most amazing thing happened.

As most of my readers know, I have issues with my mother-in-law.  While I really struggled with what I feel is meddling for most of Hubster’s and my relationship, to a certain extent, it’s normal.  It’s almost cliche of Mothers-in-Law!  But what really really hurt, was what happened when we got pregnant and miscarried back in 2010.  When Hubster called to tell her the news that we were pregnant, she got very upset and gave him a lecture about “How are you going to take care of a baby?!  This is terrible timing!”

And when Hubster called her a few days later to tell her we had the news that we would inevitably miscarry, her response was “That’s a relief.”

While technically I was not present, those were conversations between Hubster and his mom, they really hurt me.  They really damaged my ability to feel like putting a lot of effort into getting to know her better, and have a more involved relationship.  It has been an additional scar I have had on my heart, because the loss of a baby wasn’t enough?

Several months back, MIL called up Hubster and told him that one of Hubster’s cousins had announced that he and his wife were expecting.  Apparently this was monumental, as they had experienced 5 or more miscarriages.  MIL and Hubster had quite the honest conversation about how hard it is on an individual and on a marriage to go through one, let alone 5 miscarriages, and MIL appeared touched, saying something like “I had never really thought about that before.”  To me, it was a sign of hope, that she would be more understanding and sensitive to other people she may meet in the future suffering from infertility and loss. (And for anyone wondering, yes, the couple did end up with an adorable little girl!)

But I never really expected what happened last night.  MIL called up Hubster, and they had a two hour long conversation.  While they covered a wide range of topics, she did at one point express a sincere apology for the way she reacted to our previous pregnancy and miscarriage.  She said she had been worried and scared for us, but that was no excuse for what she had said, how she had reacted.  I guess she has been wanting to apologize for a while but never found the right opportunity.  She is excited about our current pregnancy (although still a little worried – but that’s what makes her a mom, right?)

So, again, while I wasn’t there for the conversation, those words really impacted me.  There had been this distance between us, that I just hadn’t been able to be open to crossing.  As cheesy as it sounds, an apology does go a long way.  It’s never too late.  I really just can’t adequately express how touched I am.  I feel overwhelmed with gratitude and forgiveness.  I feel acknowledged.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, an apology can leave me speechless.

I survived a weekend with my family. And The Great Midwife Hunt is over.

I don’t have a ton of time to write this, so I will try to keep it succinct.

-Drove over to the other side of the state with my mom.  My mom get’s pretty tired out from long drives, and was getting pretty cranky near the end, but wouldn’t admit to being tired (and is also insanely overprotective of her car) so she wouldn’t let me drive.  My mom has a tendency to get stressed easily, and then take out her grumpiness on me (instead of confronting her mom or whoever it is that is actually making her upset.)  I called her out on it several times, but it didn’t really make for the most fun vacation ever.

-We stayed at my grandmas.  I love my grandma, but it can be difficult to find stuff to talk about with her, she rarely leaves her house, and is completely obsessed with her new dogs that she calls her “babies”. (gag!) She also keeps kind of weird hours, and takes forever to make a meal, which this pregnant lady had a hard time with (But it’s not like you can snap at your grandma for taking too long to make breakfast, or staying up late watching TV with the sound up loud because she’s hard of hearing!)

-I absolutely adore my cousin who graduated from high school, and was really glad I got to see her.  Her two sisters, and her mom and dad, are some of the coolest family I’ve got.  I just wish I could have spent more time with them, but it was a whirlwind weekend!

-There were other folks I wish I would have been able to visit with in the area, but my mom wasn’t very willing to help me see them.  And I was frustrated that I couldn’t go to church Sunday morning even though there was nothing planned at that time.  And I would have liked to have gone to the cemetery that my father’s parents are buried at…  Like I said, my mom is a little weird about her car.  Next time, I’m driving my car so I wont feel so trapped.

-I’ve noticed that at certain points, if I really focus, I can start to feel the uterus above the pubic bone.  Which is really exciting!

-This morning I went and met up with midwife N.  She was wonderful!!!  Very warm, and I think it’s going to work out.  She addressed my weight, but in a kind and thoughtful way, and is having me meet with a friend of hers who is a dietician so that I will have support during the pregnancy to keep the weight as low as is healthy.  Her facility is really nice, clean, comfy with breathtaking views of the lake from one side of the windows.  It’s a quick 30 minute drive from our apartment, so not too far.

-She also took out the doppler to listen to the heartbeat.  (She could hear it, but I couldn’t really…)  Then because I couldn’t hear the heartbeat she turned on her little ultrasound machine and I got to see baby!  It was a little difficult to make stuff out, but she pointed things out as the baby wiggled around.  It was really wonderful to have confirmation that baby is still alive!!!  Unfortunately, because I didn’t know she would do that stuff today, Hubster hadn’t come with me (thinking this was just a generic meet-n-greet) so he missed it.  😦  And her printer was running out of ink so the ultrasound pictures came out super light… but as it was unexpected, I was excited to get it!

I did my best to edit the photo so it’s easier to see.  Baby’s head is on the right, body is on the left.  It’s easier to make out in the top photo.  I definitely cried a few joyful tears when I saw got to see baby wiggling about!

Summary of the Past Week

Alrighty, time to play catch up:

Last Friday we went into our “doctorly” appointment.  (It was with a midwife, but was at a Group Health center, with doctors right around the corner, so it was still very “medical”.)  My biggest fear was that there would be no heartbeat.  The midwife was very nice, chatted a bit about my history and current health, and stated that she thinks I’m in great health, and sees nothing that screams “high risk” about me.  We talked about my weight, and while she agreed I need to be careful, she was also very sensitive and realistic about the fact that I probably will gain more weight then I want to.  I actually liked her quite a bit!  (Unfortunately, Group Health never guarantees that you’ll have a specific person when you go into labor… we’re still trying to figure out a set midwife for us… more on that in another post)  So then she wheeled in a mini ultrasound machine, and put it up to my lower abdomen (Can I get a HUZZAH about graduating from the internal vaginal ultrasounds to external abdominal ultrasounds?!?!?!)  She located the uterus… and baby… and I didn’t see a heartbeat.  My heart plummeted, and I just told myself “I will not fall apart in the doctors office.  I will not fall apart in the doctors office!  I will NOT fall apart in the doctors office!!”  but then she said “There’s the heartbeat!”  And I (rather panickedly) said “I don’t see it!”  so she very patiently adjusted things a bit and pointed out the teeniest, tiniest flicker.
But it was a flicker.
A heartbeat.
(Hubster later boasted that he saw the heartbeat before she pointed it out.  Well, it’s harder to see the screen when you’re the one laying down!)  She very kindly printed out a few photos, and let us just sit and watch the ultrasound for a few minutes.  I know I welled up, but I don’t think I really cried.  Hubster said it was the happiest day of his life and he did cry.  The midwife told us that now that we’ve seen a heartbeat we only have a 5% chance of losing the pregnancy.  Which just seems weird. Really?  ONLY 5%????  Then why is it I know SO MANY women who have had late-term pregnancy loss????  I guess that’s the joy of running in the infertility community?

Well, after that appointment we had to run a few errands and then get home, load up the car and head out to go “camping”.  (Urban camping – my dad picked the site because he does “RV camping” so it’s the kind of place where the next campground is 5 feet away, there are bathrooms and showers… not exactly what I picture in camping…)  It was a good test run for a first camping trip of the season, getting to use our tent and sleeping bags and getting an idea of what we will want for future (more remote!) camping trips, and what was excessive that didn’t need to go.  (Can I just say on camping while pregnant: In the future we either need to be in a remote campsite where I can just go pee in the bushes, or we need to be RIGHT NEXT to the bathrooms, instead of a 5 minute walk from the bathrooms.  I felt like every 20 minutes I was walking to the bathrooms and that was annoying.)  After our ultrasound Hubster was so excited, he said he was going to tell his mom and didn’t care what she had to say, so I was really excited about that… except then we got so busy putting the camp site up, it didn’t happen.  I was so disappointed, I was trying to hold back tears.  Saturday morning I got a tad snarky with Hubster, until I realized why I was being so pissy and told him how I was feeling.  I think when he say me starting to cry he realized how important this all was, so he called – except of course his mom didn’t answer!  She did eventually call him back on Sunday and he told her the news… and as much I don’t want to say “I told you so”… she said she was excited and was very supportive!  It feels SO good to have everyone know and be excited with us.

So of course that meant we could finally announce it on facebook.  I know a lot of people stress and stress over facebook announcements… but I felt like waiting until a certain week wouldn’t really ensure we don’t lose it.  And I have all these thoughts and feelings and symptoms, I didn’t want to try and write cryptic messages.  This was what I wrote: “After 2 and a half years of infertility, treatments, and a miscarriage, (Hubster) and I are thrilled to be blessed with a pregnancy! We are 9 weeks along today, and got to see the heartbeat on Friday. Many thanks to all the support and prayers over the years, and to the time ahead of us!”

So I just put it out there, recognizing our struggles so that hopefully people would recognize that this pregnancy means something different to us then it does to the average person.  I hope that it was sensitive, I really tried to be humble and appreciative.  But I wasn’t going to hide it either.  That’s just not the kind of person that I am.  It was really wonderful to get all the feedback of people being excited for us.  We’ve always been pretty blunt about our infertility, so people were aware of our history and I think that makes a difference.

Or maybe I’m just imagining things?  My infertile friends – you be the judge!

We got back to town Monday afternoon.  While I loved spending time with my dad, 4 days with my stepmom and stepsister was just… a. bit. much.  Just little things that get really annoying… my stepsister is 11, but she technically has some developmental delays (although it’s not physically obvious, she doesn’t look “different”) so behaviorally she’s a few years younger.  Her home life is all sorts of messed up, and so I think she really clings to the idea of having family.  As in, she really loves the idea of having a big sister.  Which is fine, I’m all for that… but I wish she wasn’t quite so clingy.  And I really wish she would just call me by my name, as opposed to “sissy” *cringe*.  But it’s been going on so long at this point, and it would just completely crush her if I told her not to call me that, so I do my best to shrug it off.  Also, as an 11 year old, her body is starting to change… and I’m realizing it’s going to be up to me to teach her certain things.  Like how to itch herself, or adjust her bra, discreetly.  I don’t know if it’s because she get’s so little time with my stepmom, or if my stepmom never really learned how to address those topics (she raised herself from the age of 14 on the streets of LA – so she’s not always the most aware of social norms and subtleties)

Anyway, since getting back it’s just been a lot of hurry up and wait.  It seems like I will have a day with either a TON of stuff, or nothing.  And I’m not really sure how to balance things out better, I’m trying to do my best.  As much as being home alone sucks, I get totally drained if I’m out of the house all day too.  I know I have a lot of pets, but Hubster and I have been doing a lot to clean and organize and the place is looking pretty nice!  But my friends never seem to want to come over here.  They always want to meet me somewhere else, or have me over to their place… and while that can be nice, sometimes it gets to just be frustrating.  What’s going to happen when I do have a baby and it’s harder for me to get out of the house?  I know it’s convenient for all my friends for me to come to them, but it’s not always convenient for me to go to them.  And I really love hosting!  What’s a girl to do?

Ok, really, sorry for all the venting.  I’m doing my best to keep the pregnancy rages to a minimum.  Really.  Trying.  By and large I am happy, but the little things that have annoyed me in the past that were easier to brush off, are just really really annoying me these days.

And just to end on a warm and fuzzy note, is are the pictures from the ultrasound take last Friday, when I was 8 weeks, 5 days.  (Sorry, no video with the flickering heartbeat 😦  )

Weekend Wonder

Saturday:

Got up, went and nannied my first shift.  It went fairly smoothly, and I’m feeling optimistic this will be a good thing.  I now just need to find a part time internship… and sign up for my certification board exam this fall.  Ugh… and study for said exam.

Got home, and prepped for my first dinner party in the new place.  K, D and their son come over, and my mom ended up coming too.  That was a tad frustrating… She had texted me earlier in the day that she would be in town and wanted to see me.  This week has been fairly busy, so I haven’t answered any of her calls, so I felt it was important to make contact.  So I immediately texted her back, asking what time she would be free.  I didn’t hear anything until noon when she said she wanted to stop by with lunch.  I called her and explained I had to be at work in an hour.  She was really upset (like it was my fault I wasn’t free?)  and then asked if we would skip church Sunday to see her.  Well, since this was the first Sunday since Hubster has been back, it was important to both of us to be at church, so I didn’t want to do that.  I explained that if she had replied to my text when I sent it, and told me she wanted to do lunch, I could have planned on it and met up a little early.  She started to get all worked up and defensive and I made a decision.  I had three choices, either to fit her in on Saturday, skip Church on Sunday, or blow her off all together.  And while I really make a point to stick to my boundaries, I also know that my mom is in her mid 50’s.  She’s not likely to make major changes to her personality at this point.  So at some point there has to be a compromise.  So I sucked up my pride and invited her to join the dinner party.  For the most part it turned out fairly well, my mom brought a side dish and dessert.  I think the thing is, is that most people would probably find my mom slightly rude and a little funny in her quirkiness.  But if you take all my pet peeves and put it on a list… that would be my mom.  She enhabits most of my pet peeves, so she gets under my skin.  And so her assuming that I was just available, and to top it off she brought along a movie (read: did not ask, just assumed) and while it ended up being a decent movie, it was a drama and that’s just not my thing.  Plus, again it was assumed that we would sit and watch it after dinner.  Technically, she “asks” but the way she does it, it’s a “leading” question and you know if you turn her down she’s going to pout and pull a guilt trip.

But like I said, trying to find a compromise.

You know, plenty of people have problems with their parents.  Certainly my brother and his wife have issues with both my parents.  But here is the thing; they tried their best, had great intentions, truly loved us, and are wonderfully flawed people.  Nobody is perfect!  Sure, I can look at things my parents did and say “I never want to do that”, and maybe I wont ever do that, but it just means I’m going to mess my kids up in some other way.

I would rather focus on where we are going, in our future relationship, than continue being miserable about a past neither of us can change.

And yes, I feel that applies to all my relationships, even the one I have with Hubster.

Saturday’s Happy: Watching K and D’s little boy M play with the kitten.  Be still my beating heart ovaries.  Some day I will have a little one playing all my critters.

Day 28 of 100 Days of Happiness.

So then today was Sunday:

We went to church, and I found myself feeling frustrated and agitated.  As much as I have been struggling with loneliness, the fact is I went 2 months basically alone.  And now I have this person who is around.  All. The. Time.  Feeling a tad… smothered.  I haven’t had any “me” time!  Time alone.  To read, or watch TV, or catch up on my blogs.  Just unwind and recharge.  So when I tried to explain this kindly to Hubster he got really defensive and angry.  It was the entire cycle of me trying to be honest, him getting up and shutting down, and me feeling like I never should have said anything.  Thankfully after about an hour of arguing he had a light bulb moment and saw what was happening.  Because it’s not about HIM, it could be anyone and I would be tired of spending 24 hours a day straight with them.

But I do think we need to get in with our counselor next week….

Because here’s the other thing.  I remember a lot of similar feelings (feeling smothered, and feeling awkward when romantic scenarios arise) last year after we spent a month and a half apart.  I mean, the more I think about it the more I feel like I really am mostly over the situation that happened.  Or at least as much as I am going to be for a long time.  So probably most of my awkwardness at this point is just the fact that we are having to relearn how to live together, after living alone.  Sure it sucked, but I had figured out how to survive alone.  Now I have to figure out how to be “married” again.  Because I’m so independent… independent to a fault.   I don’t remember how to share my life to the degree it takes when you’re married.

Now I am being distracted by a rather cute and fuzzy li’l kitten.  So I better go 🙂

Happy of the day: watching the season finale of True Blood.  Ok, it was bitter sweet since it was the FINALE and now I have to wait nine whole months for the next season… but I loved every every minute!  Although it was a rough episode character-deaths wise.  😦  *SPOILER ALERT* Jesus and Tara, you will be missed.  But it was really good to see you Grams!

Day 29 of 100 Days of Happiness.

It is Amazing What can Happen in a Day (or two)

Alrighty. Loads to catch up on!

Yesterday I was able to get us in to our new counselor. Who I will be calling Ms.Communication. Because it’s funny but it’s also a big part of what we talked about. Our feelings, our hopes, our fears… I had actually met with her last week after I got the news, so first thing she met with Hubster individually, than called me in for a group session. (yes, this took a good chunk of time)

Serious, major progress was made.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that she basically cleared her afternoon for us!

Sure, really forming the trust will take time. But we are holding hands, and doing a little cuddling.

I think the real reason we can work through this (and all the years if sucky sex) is because we made a big effort to be friends first, that is our foundation. When we first met, we had both had previously been in super crappy relationships and didn’t want this to be some kind of “rebound”. So it wasn’t for about 3 months that we finally started “dating”. And I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have that friendship to fall back on when times are tough.

We talked a lot about the sex stuff (duh) and it seems like a light came on in him since he got back, he is not only open to trying some new things but EXCITED about it, and coming up with some ideas himself! As sucky as the situation is, we both have to wonder if we would be pursuing therapy, being open minded, and having these conversations if it hadn’t happened. So if out if this, we walk away stronger, with better communication… Than I think it’s worth the crappy parts for the good parts you get out of it. Does that make sense?

Then after counseling we spent the evening with Polly and her crew. Admittedly, I was undecided, I figured either Hubster would hate them or totally hit it off with them. It was definitely the later! Hearing him and Polly laugh together totally made a good day a great day.

And that is my happy of yesterday.
Day 26 of 100…

Today I went on an interview for a nanny position. Not my career path, but I loved it when I was in college, and figured any job is better than no job although I was concerned about wether this family would be a good fit. Turns out we hit it off, and I’m doing a trial run tomorrow afternoon! Yay for a job!!!!!

Then I received a phone call from my dad to join him and my stepmom out at the lake (they rv camp and have a pair of jet skis) I have been unable to go on any of their trips this summer, and Hubster and I agreed that our plans for the afternoon could be moved to tomorrow so we grabbed swimsuits and went! (am I brave or what???)

If my husband was raised on horseback, I was raised on the water. I throw off my normal super-careful, overly-analytical, panic-attack-ness, and zoom out there (we topped out today at 68mph!), doing tight turns, jumping waves… My adrenaline junkie emerges. Because Hubster 1-has never ridden a jet ski, and 2-has a fear of water I drove. He admitted it was a good trust exercise lol.

Ironically I did accidentally flip the thing, but the embarrassing part is we weren’t going fast! (although the way we went was significantly less painful! And I speak from experience haha!). The whole thing was really healing. Water soothes my soul. And it had moments of being incredibly romantic (the beautiful scenery, the fact he has to snug up pretty tight to me) but with the speed and adrenaline it kept it out of awkward-ville.

And I have the worlds best dad who with a good dose of patience and humor, helping us flip the jet ski back upright and tow it back to land (the engine got filled with water 😦 ) so now we are currently sitting ’round the fire pit discussing dinner and ‘s’mores.

My happy of the day: this moment after we had flipped and we were looking at eachother and laughing.

It was like a scene out of some cheesy romantic comedy.

But I think it’s exactly what we needed.
Day 27 of 100 Days of Happiness.