Archive for the ‘Marriage is Not for the Faint of Heart’ Category

Pause

There have been good days. There have been bad days. The bad days have been really really bad. I’m struggling with burnout. Hubster gone 17 hours a day just sucks. I think I’m seeing signs of my depression history creeping back. At least I know what to look out for. In some ways, it feels like delayed post partum depression.

It used to be when Seedling cried I had these mommy instincts to want to soothe her. Now I feel rage and frustration mounting. I’ve yelled at her. Yelled at a 6 month old. Completely stupid. I’ve had to put her down in a safe spot and walk away for fear I would accidentally hurt her.

This is not what I pictured when I pictured being a parent.

I mean, I knew it wouldn’t be all sunshine and roses, but this RAGE is unexpected. Since I can’t unleash at Seedling it tends to come out at Hubster. So take bad mom and add on a heap of bad wife.

Sure, there is lots going on. The travel to California, the move, and somewhere along the way Seedling became a rolling machine and so I’m having to take into account baby proofing now.

I think the idea of her autonomy is scaring me. It used to be she would stay put. But she’s becoming her own person, and while that is great and important, beautiful and normal, it is also scary. Scary as I watch my friends (who are great parents) struggle with battles of wills with their three year olds, these little people who have their own alien senses of logic that don’t make any sense to our adult logic.

I’ve been stress eating. I can literally see the weight gain in the last month when I look in a mirror. I’m scared for myself, for my health, feeling completely out of control. I can eat a full meal and ten minutes later my brain is saying “you’re hungry! Eat! EAT! EEEAAATTT!!!” I’m worried about being healthy to be around and active with my daughter, worried that my food addiction will mess up her own food associations, worried that if I can’t get my weight down I won’t have a shot at more kids (I highly suspect weight played a big part of my infertility)

Add to the cupcake of rage, the icing of eating addiction, and the cherry on top of it all? Hubster got laid off work on Friday. Turns out the plant has some budget issues and had to shut down until they confirmed some funding stuff. Taking us from a single income family to a no-income family. Thanks be to God we still have a little money left in his trust account. The silver lining is he gets time with Seedling. I will get a little (much needed!) help around here. He also now has time to job hunt. (He hated his job but between work and school there really wasn’t time to job hunt effectively)

About the only thing that helps is taking the time to pray. I love that in Orthodoxy there are prayers for everything. Morning, afternoon, evening, meals, prayers just because I am having a rough moment. I just need to actually make/take the time to pray. Because when I do, it makes a huge difference in the feelings of anxiety, depression, rage…

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!

Midnight Mumblings

Oh it’s been so long *sigh*.

– Last weekend Seedling was baptized into the Eastern Orthodox Church. It was so beautiful and moving, and I am so excited to share pictures with you all!

– Seedling is going through a growth spurt… Or something. Her sleep rhythm is all out of whack, she has been heart-breakingly cranky… Spending most of her time in the Ergo, frequent small-snack feedings. We are running on low, broken sleep. I’m just hoping we are on the upslope and on our way out of it…

– Hubster found a job! We are very excited to be able to pay our bills… But admittedly it comes with mixed emotions. With him being in school full time, he misses plenty, but he’s been able to spend time with Seedling in the morning. So far he has been having “Father-Daughter” day when I work on Saturdays. See, with Hubster covering Saturdays and my mom watching Seedling on Fridays, I only have to pay for daycare one day a week. Let me break down the math for you:
Daycare 1 day a week $200 a month.
Gas for a month about $160 a month.
My paycheck for a month about $400 a month.
So… Not a lot of wiggle if I have to pay for another day of daycare. But Hubsters new job? Full time, mornings Monday through Saturday. Which means I’m trying to figure out who will watch Seedling on Saturdays… I have some short term options with friends and family but nothing that will work long term… Also that means Hubster will go back to being home for about 5 or 6 hours. It breaks my heart he will miss out on time with Seedling. But also really overwhelming to think it will be back on me to take care of Seedling. I have gotten used to having Hubster be able to give me the occasional helping hand. I think back to when Seedling was first born and Hubster was working and going to school…. That was so hard. But I wasn’t working then. Now I’m working on top of it. It feels like too much. But I can’t just quit… What if Hubsters job doesn’t work out? We need me to have something to fall back on… It’s all just very complicated. I’m not explaining it very well. Low on sleep. Highly emotional. My daughter is fussing and needs some snuggles, so I’ll unpack it all, more, better, later.

All that matters is that I have a daughter to snuggle. The rest will work itself out. Right? Right.

It’s Gonna be a Rough Day

Hubster sent me to bed, determined to let me catch som e sleep son e I return to work today. And the man tried, he really did. I can only assume Seedling is having one helluva growth spurt. It started a few days back, being fussy in the evenings. But it’s slowly
progressed. Tonight it was inconsolable screaming. As in “the zombies are eating my brains, WTF aren’t you people going anything to stop this torture?!?!”

So 3am Hubster came and got me. I hadn’t slept much, hard to ignore those kinds of sounds coming from your child. He looked like he’d been through hell. I sent him to bed and was able to finally console her with nursing. (Which lately nursing had been pissing her off – she’s been preferring the infinitely easier to eat bottle. But this morning? It is apparently the magical love of get life. Whatever works! Right?)

Crying alone I can take – but I can’t shake this anxiety that its more than the “6 week growth spurt”. What if something is wrong? Really wrong? What if there is some underlying health problem, that could prove fatal?

What if I gave birth just to lose another child?

…..

Later today I will return to work. When I think about it as just this one day… It’s not so bad. My mom is going to come over and watch Seedling on Fridays. My mom – for all our issues and drama – has been amazing. She has come and helped me, sometimes at a moments notice, driving out in heavy traffic and heavier rain. I don’t know how we would have survived without her. So long story short – I know Seedling will be in great hands. I don’t worry that something bad will happen. I worry that something good, significant will happen, and I will miss it. That I will miss out on smiles, on her grabbing my finger, on her coos and cuddles. What if I miss her first rolling over, or her first real crawl? What if I miss her first really big, hearty laugh? It’s selfish, is what it boils down to.

So I’m crazy, right? As in, clinically insane. I’m struggling with a child who is displaying and more signs of colic every day, a child who is physically and emotionally exhausting myself and Hubster – yet the thought of being gone brings me to tears.

The hard parts… They are so very hard. But the good parts? Pure fairy magic. I wouldn’t miss out on the good stuff for anything.

But it’s going to be a rough day. Seedling is currently sleeping, drifting off from nursing, nuzzled to my left bosom. She’s one overtired infant. With a penchant for waking up inconsolable. Hubsters plans to give me sleep have failed. Hello sleep deprived mommy. Add on the emotions of returning to work. And, of course, my job isn’t exactly all sunshine and roses – there will be the dick clients that feel the need to take out their issues on me.

And then I get to get up and do it again on Saturday. Because, of course, I’m not just returning to work for one day and calling it quits.

So I get on WordPress. I pour out my worries, my stress, my exhaustion. I rock my now-sleeping babe. I pray for strength and forgiveness. Because its all I know how to do in times like this.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy in me, a sinner.

Zombies! Working! EmOtIoNs!!!

Tonight Hubster and I celebrated that Seedling is 6 weeks old by going on our first date since her birth. In some ways, it was for us as a couple – a chance to reconnect and reestablish “us-the-two-of-us” separate from “us-the-family-unit”. It was about wanting to establish this as a part of our lives and routine, ensuring a strong marriage now and for the future.

But also, it was a test run. My mom watched Seedling. She will be watching Seedling when I work on Fridays. This was a chance for both her and me to see what it would be like for me to be gone, in the limited space of two hours, and only 10 minutes from home. Because next Friday, it will be 8 hours gone and an hour from home.

The movie was good, “Wa.rm Bod.ies”. Lots of good zombie humor, a touch of gore, a dollop of whit and an overall feel good romance. Both Hubster and I were laughing out loud and walked out quoting some choice bits.

But it was hard. I had my phone on vibrate in my pocket. And I spent most of the movie clutching it, so as to not miss any text or call from my mom. (She sent three texts… Saying they were doing fine, a cute picture, and then a recognition of her elite grandma skillz). After we got home and my mom headed out, Hubster and I were on the couch as I attempted to ease my tender boobs and coax a sleepy Seedling to nurse, I ended up breaking down crying. I don’t know how I’m going to do next Friday. I wish I could have a childish tantrum, throw myself on the floor, flail my arms and legs and scream “I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna, you can’t make me!” But I realize 1-it won’t make the situation any better, 2-it won’t change the outcome, and 3-it would probably give me some interesting bruises and snarl my hair. That’s not a pretty look. 😉

I thought it’d be easier than this. I love my job. I work with amazing people. I crave adult interaction, intellectual conversation, mental stimulation.

But… I look at her face, tears prick my eyes, I get chocked up. How can I possibly leave my little girl?! It’s my job to take care of her. Even though she will be in great hands… They aren’t my hands!

I’m going to snuggle my sleeping girl and have myself a good cry. For you’re viewing pleasure, the picture my mom sent to me this evening:

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Three Weeks Old! And a Visit from the In-Laws.

I’m working on writing a catch-up post from the birth on… But as it has now been three weeks since Seedling’s birth there is a lot to cover! So while I work on that, I’m going to have to start writing in current events as well.

I can’t believe it has been three weeks. It feels like it was so much longer than that, but mostly because my memories have gone so fuzzy, they feel like long-ago-type memories. But also there is a sense of I-can’t-imagine-life-without-Seedling, as if she should have always been in our lives.

A week after get birth Jewel and her boyfriend came by for a visit and she asked me “do you feel like a mom yet”… And I said I thought it felt very real when I first nursed Seedling a few hours after her birth. But the truth is, when I became pregnant two yeas ago, I felt like a mom. When we lost that baby I often expressed feeling like a mom, who just didn’t have their child. And so in some ways it feels like our life – with the baby paraphernalia, sleepless nights, cooing cuddling child – should have been this way for the last two years. There is no doubt in my mind that I am a mom. And I adore it.

Not to say there hasn’t been done tough days and tougher nights… There are countless studies on the importance of sleep and how we can literally go insane with lack of it. But by and large I hold myself together, and make sure Seedling has all her needs met. Everyone I know bemoans the newborn stage, saying it is horrible and awful… But I must say that I’m loving it. I live the snuggles and cuddles. I love how small and easily held she is. And my deepest fear is that she will be out if it before I have had my full enjoyment if it.

But on to current events.

Hubster’s parents visited this weekend. I was very nervous, as I have such a rocky history with my father in law. But the weekend went fairly well. They weren’t as helpful as I had hoped (nobody inquired about helping us with vacuuming or cleaning or walking our dogs…) but they were not as imposing as I had feared. (There was only remark about how we have been as parents- saying we just need to keep Seedling awake during the day and then she would sleep at night. *sigh*). My MIL did make a delicious lasagna dinner last night, and then this evening they took us out to dinner. And it’s always appreciated not to worry about where my next meal will come from!

Mostly it just stressed me out to feel like they obviously came to visit Seedling but since she spends most of her time asleep (usually in her crib, not to be disturbed) or eating (I felt incredibly uncomfortable at the thought of nursing in front of my FIL, even with a cover so this again took place alone in the nursery) the truth is they saw very little of Seedling.

I had planned not to really leave the apartment other than necessary doctor-type visits (with a flue epidemic in Washington and babies being lost to Whooping Cough at a local hospital) but felt guilted into being sociable and taking Seedling out to a local car museum Hubster wanted to show his parents. (Although Seedling became hungry shortly after arriving and I spent a half hour in the bathroom nursing while standing due to there being no good place to sit) I think my real frustration lies in the fact that my FIL gives a strong impression of disapproval on anything he disagrees with. As an atheist, when he is with us, suddenly Hubster and I don’t say grace over our meals. He mocked the idea of having a car seat professionally installed, saying he would feel pretty stupid if he needed help installing a car seat. So trying to explain that we are doing things differently (like mom and baby not leaving the house for 40 days for religious and health reasons) is a waste of breath. And it leaves me feeling like I don’t really have a choice but to be quite and play nice. It makes me feel awkward and out of place. I know it sounds stupid and pathetic and I should just stand up for myself but all I can say is – family is complicated.

Especially in-laws.

And they were only here for the weekend.

My life can go back to normal on Tuesday.

But I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I am glad they came out (a two day drive), that they got to see Seedling, that Hubster got to see his dad (it has been a very long time since the two have seen one another), grateful that they gifted us with many clothes and our stroller. My MIL balanced my FIL by being a very cheerful, conversational person and I’ve greatly enjoyed my time with her.

Now here’s to hoping I get some sleep! Poor Seedling has not been sleeping well at night the last few days, and due to our company I have not been able to sleep with her day-naps, so I am I’ve pooped Tulip!

The Birth Class

Trying to gather my thoughts… and I know that no matter what I write, it will not and can not encompass this last weekend.  Just a heads up: This WILL be a long post.  Sorry, no way to do this succinctly.

We signed up for this birth class at the recommendation of our midwife.  I went on the website, and to be honest, it’s not super specific on what to expect.  (But in hind sight, there is not way to!)  But I figured that if it was what my midwife has recommended, it’s what we should do.  To be honest, I was a little unsure if it would be too hippy-dippy-mother-earth-spiritualism for me.  But we did it.  From all the reviews I could find and read, about the class or the woman who taught it (who is something of a big deal in the doula community) everything was glowing and raving.

This is the doula (Doula P) I had contacted early on in my pregnancy when I was hoping to hire a doula, but Hubster looked at the cost and his fiscally responsible side won out, thinking we really didn’t need one.  And so I had dropped it (Disappointed, but it’s hard to argue with the cold hard truth of working in an already tight budget).

Saturday arrives, and we head to the address with water bottle, snacks, lunch, pillows, blankets, yoga mat, comfy clothes…  And arrive to this wonderfully cozy room.  We meet the other couples (total of 5 couples in our class), fill out a little survey, go around and introduce ourselves.  The initial survey, both Hubster and I completed separately and then compared answers.  It was encouraging to see how similar we were on our answers (there was not “right” or “wrong”, just our opinions on the birth process).  Doula P walked us through some of the basics of a baby’s descent, and how important head position is for determining ease or difficulty of labor.  This lead to various movements and exercises we could do to try and encourage the baby to turn or adjust, as well as pain relief options such as counter-pressure, aromatherapy, touch etc.  It was surprising to me that my tall, strong husband was usually too gentle!  I felt bad having to say “You can press harder there!” but I’m also sure he didn’t want to hurt me or the baby.  It was very sweet and tender.  Then Doula P had us working on intentional relaxation, where we laid down and focused on relaxing individual muscle groups.  This lead into time for the two of us to just lay with our arms around each other, looking into the other’s eyes.  (Keeping in mind that this ENTIRE time, she is weaving in stories from her own experience and her student’s experiences!)  Two stories that really stood out to me:

-When discussing the pain of childbirth, she made the statement that labor and birth is not the worst pain.  She asked for us to guess what was.  People would throw out things like “broken bones” etc, and finally she told the story of a previous apprentice who had waited until her husband and she had “all their ducks in a row” – the house, the car, the careers.  Only to find out she had very aggressive breast cancer.  She will never have children, and has very limited time left.  It was a particularly powerful story for me because of my past and because I know SO MANY women still struggling with infertility.  That would give anything, pay anything, do anything to be pregnant and experience labor.  No matter the physical pain, it doesn’t compare to the emotional and psychological pain of desiring children and not being able to have them.  I can’t express how poignant it was to me to have her acknowledge those who are child free NOT by their own choice.

-A couple who came to her to be their doula because the husband was in the military, and he would be deployed when the baby was due.  The day after they took the birth class with her, he shipped out.  A few days before the baby was due, the wife answered the door to his officers and chaplain.  He would never come home (oh man, I’m crying just trying to write this out) and again – to think that he would give anything to see his child, and she would have given anything for him to come home.  Their last weekend was spent focusing on the love they had for each other and for their unborn child.  Even though Hubster is no longer serving a fire department, the fact is there could be an accident; you never know when something could possibly happen to make your last goodbye you’re very last.

The common thread throughout the weekend was a very strong recognition of gratitude.  That we have to recognize the amazing blessings we have.  It meant so much to me, because I have all along felt so incredibly grateful for this pregnancy.  Not just the pregnancy, but how healthy it has been!  I just SO deeply resonated with Doula P.

We watched a little video that showed a woman in labor and delivery, along with computer graphics of what is happening inside the uterus, specifically with the cervical effacement and dilation.  It even showed her delivering the placenta.  Sure, it’s not very pretty, but it’s what happens!  (I feel I should mention we did this during lunch lol)

… Even as I write this, and I try to think of what order everything happened in and I can’t!  Everything has been colored by emotions, so that my logical, ordered side of my brain can’t keep track because emotional side of my brain has it organized differently  …

At some point I remember us all sitting around in a circle and Doula P handed out (at random) various birth scenarios (actually, they were previous student’s real birth stories) and basically told us “What if this was the birth card you were handed?” – making us acknowledge that some things are outside of our control no matter how detailed a birth plan we put together.  Of course, the one we got?  Emergency cesarean section.  My worst fear.  But, ok, Hubster and I read through the description and had to figure out how we would handle that.  And you know what?  We actually came up with some game plan ideas.  Because we can’t predict that, we can’t say “For sure and certain, we won’t go there.”  Just like with infertility, we have to find a way to live with whatever we get dealt by my body.  Everyone’s paper was different, so we went around and talked about the various possibilities and how each couple would handle it.  But the amazing thing for me was to realize that if we do end up in the OR, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.  (Although I’m going to do everything in my power to get this baby out vaginally!)

Then came time for the “Ice Journey”… only it wasn’t us women who went through the labor simulation.  It was the men who donned blindfolds, and had to endure holding ice over and over, longer and longer, with various music/sounds/smells – some meant to bring comfort, some meant to simulate unhelpful staff… It was so eye opening to be the one in the man’s shoes.  To watch him be in pain and know I can’t help.  Doula P would give us direction at times to come and offer comfort (hugging, back massage, breathing with him) and other times have to step back and leave him alone – but the fact is there will be times that there is just nothing Hubster will be able to do to help me (because let’s be honest, ice is just not the same as labor) Each “contraction” Doula P would weave a story, a concept, a thought into it directing both the men and us to the different kind of thoughts and experiences one has in labor.  The easier contractions, the more difficult, the more psychological….

I think the hardest point was watching him as Doula P simulated the more “stereotypical” woman in labor, screaming and crying and angry that her partner isn’t “fixing” the pain.

I kinda lost it.  Oh the tears.  I just felt so guilty – that my husband would have to stand and feel helpless, that his heart would be breaking to see me in pain and not be able to fix it.  And I knew that when the time came – I didn’t want to be that angry, bitchy woman saying mean things to her husband.  Because I know that Hubster will do everything in his power to be there, to help and that he does love me.  And of course – that is the whole point.  We walked a mile in each other’s shoes.  And I KNOW it absolutely changed the way we are going to approach our labor.  Hubster has had a lot to say about his side of the that experience…  At the end we all guessed how long the ice journey had gone on for.  Most people were guessing just shy of an hour.  However it was 2 and a half hours. 

We went home that night just wrung out.  Hubster and I sat on the couch trying to unpack the day.  We went to bed and usually we will lay and talk for a bit before drifting off to sleep, but we really held each other and snuggled through the night.  Very tender and intimate.

Sunday dawned and we headed back for our second day.  I couldn’t imagine how we would top Saturday!  Sunday we started by reviewing movements/positions (and the reasons for each) for labor… and this is when Hubster admitted he was a little scared.  It’s a lot to remember!  And to think he will have to remember and teach Jewel during the labor?

He started pretty seriously rethinking having a doula… because the other thing that had been coming to light (since Doula P has worked with basically EVERYONE in our area, including our midwife, other midwives, hospitals etc…) was that our midwife would be pretty hands-off during my labor.  I know I’ve written before about my concerns that we haven’t really “clicked” with Midwife N, and that I’ve been frustrated with her brief visits, and that when I express concerns she tends to wave them off and tell me “everything will be just fine”, and doesn’t really discuss details of her protocols or our birth plan…  The more I started asking Doula P and the other students, the more Hubster and I realized that midwife N may not really be the best fit…  But so we talked a little bit throughout Sunday about the idea of hiring a Doula.  We got through the exercises, and then Doula P had a friend who does massage speak a little more about using massage techniques to aid in pain relief.

We discussed various medical interventions, why they are performed, their pros and cons.  (there was a video here too, yay lunch time!)  It’s not to say that interventions don’t have a time and place – they certainly do!- but it’s pretty scary what some of the side effects, and even long term effects those interventions can have that doctors don’t really talk about.  Sometimes it’s worth it to have patience with ourselves and make sure we really NEED an intervention before we just casually sign up for something.  Even though I knew I wanted to avoid unnecessary interventions, I still learned quite a bit.

…. I feel like there is stuff I’m forgetting.  I know we spent quite a bit of time talking through questions people still had, touching on water birth, placenta encapsulation (we are the ONLY species that doesn’t consume the placenta, even herbivores eat the placenta, there are a long list of reasons that it is consumed, to help balance hormones, protein boost etc… So since it would be gross to just eat it like a wild animal, there are people out there that will steam/dehydrate/powder it and put it into capsules you can take like vitamins.)

Eventually we got to the women’s turn of the ice journey.  We donned our blindfolds and waited as Doula P spoke with the guys in the hall.  And waited.  And waited.  Because, you know, a big part of labor is waiting!  It was interesting… I have a history of panic attacks.  It usually starts with a little vertigo, then progresses to numb hands, and eventually I’m hyperventilating in the shower (because the shower is the only non-medication I have found to be helpful – and a big part of why having a water birth is SO important to me.)  Anyway, so sitting with a blindfold on, I felt myself having a little bit of vertigo… and then I realized I was about to put my hands in ice which would probably make my hands feel numb… and I realized there was a good possibility I was about to have a panic attack.  And I realized I had two options.
Option one: take the blindfold off and tell them I couldn’t do the labor simulation.
Option two: take a deep breath, put my big girl panties on, and realize that if I have a panic attack while in labor I can’t just “take the blindfold off” and walk away.  I thought of all the people out there that would give anything to be in my shoes, pregnant, at a birth class, preparing for labor.  I thought of my little girl who will need me to be strong for her – not just to deliver her, but for the rest of her life.

I went with option two.  And you know what?  When the simulation started, and we were told to pick up the ice for the first “contraction” and start doing things (sit, stand, walk with guidance/trust walk, do some of the labor movements like a lunge or hip roll) I totally lost the vertigo/panicky sensation.

There was one “contraction” where she simulated the baby being in distress, slamming doors and barking orders of “left side” and “right side” and throwing out dropping heart rates…  And all I could think was “I don’t want to be the reason we lose this baby too” which brought up a huge slop bucket of EMOTIONS.  (Cue  super-intense-snotty-nosed-sobbing)  But in processing it, I realized several things:
1-I had no idea how much the success or failure of this pregnancy was connected to my feelings about the previous pregnancy.  Hurray for self-awareness.
2-It is NOT fair to myself to put that kind of pressure on me.  It is NOT my fault that we miscarried.
3-Having a successful pregnancy and delivery of this child does NOT bring back my first baby.  It only gives me THIS baby.  So this pregnancy and this delivery is about Seedling.  It is not about my Bleeding Tulip.

Some people might have thought that was crossing a line, but I feel it was huge in recognizing a possible real life scenario, but being able to process it in a safe space so that if I find myself in that ACTUAL scenario, I am prepared.  I am prepared to listen to the staff and focus on Seedling.  And yes, probably still cry, but I don’t think it will be as hysterical.

…So many other experiences, Doula P talked about contraction interruptions,  all the women giving birth all over the world, and remote villages in Africa where women labor and give birth completely alone…

For the final “contraction” Doula P had us think of a mantra, something to think and focus on.  Suggesting things like “I believe in my body”, and while I can see how lots of women would click with something like that, the one that came to my mind was “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – because God is so much bigger than just my faith in my body (as much as I do have a lot of faith in my body).  And plunged both hands into the ice.

As the night before, the whole Ice Journey was 2 and a half hours.  But it felt like time had gone so much faster than that.  Hubster was amazing, so supportive and helpful, loving, tender, encouraging.

The class ended with everyone debriefing (as much as we could!) and I am very excited that we are keeping in touch with a facebook group (huzzah for technology!) and am very much looking forward to our reunion after everyone has their babies.  These are people who I had never met before, but we went through this big, emotional, vulnerable adventure and came out connected.

And before we left the class we pulled Doula P aside to let her know we can’t imagine moving forward with our birth plan without her…  But that, and the following meeting where we went over our birth plan and contract etc etc will be for another post.  Because I am SO THRILLED to have her as our doula, and am so excited about all the decisions we have made about that.

So, “to be continued…”

Weddings are a Womhole.

Yesterday was a BIG day.

It marked one month left until our due date of December 30th. One. Month.

It was the anniversary of the birth of my dear, darling, best friend, lover, husband and father to our unborn baby. Hubster, you are amazing.

It was also the wedding of a friend of mine!

We met at the last clinic I worked at (where I was fired) she ended up quitting not long after. Not too far into her engagement she discovered she was pregnant (was 16 weeks along at the wedding!) she is a warm, charming individual who excels at infectious giggling. Her husband is in the navy, and had to spend most if their engagement at sea, and may be deployed right before their baby is due.

The wedding was interesting. It was a Catholic wedding, and it’s probably been about 8 years since I stepped into a Catholic Church. So I wasn’t super familiar with the rhythm if their services. I was also a little struck by the fact the priest began the service by stating that we all needed to “acknowledge or sin” … I mean, of course we are all fallen and sinful but it was a severe way to start a joyous ceremony! The priest actually had a VERY thick accent, I missed over half if what he said! But what I could understand he spoke at length against sin/lust/sex (wow was there a lot of sex discussed!) but stressed the importance if procreation. (Not sure I followed the logic of “sex=bad” yet “procreation=good”…) He also made a point to stress the importance of a stay-at-home mom… It seemed like he spent most if his time looking at the bride, advising her on all she needs to do without really balancing it with the groom’s role…? Maybe it was just because it was so difficult to understand him? *shrug* the theology nerd in me is very intrigued though.

In other news, more issues with my car. It started with bring sluggish to accelerate, then doing this pseudo-sputtering thing and today actually was decelerating as I drove into work. Hubster is worried it’s the timing belt and rented a car dolly to come and get me from work at the end of the day. If the belt has gone, the car is totaled. I can’t even express how much I do not have the mental and emotional reserves to deal with what that all means. Prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Of course being at a wedding, any wedding, brings back memories of Hubster and my wedding. What was similar, what was different. Her wedding was very small and intimate and sweet. The reception was elegant. The food tasty. And the cake? Best cake ever!!! Must figure out where they bought it… Then if course came dancing. Anyone want to look at the gorgeous couple’s first dance???

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Big surprise, I cried 🙂

Then came the father-daughter dance… And this is where I slipped into a bizarre wedding wormhole. I was remembering my father daughter dance… And realizing we may be watching Hubster and Seedling do this dance in 20 or 30 years … ! It was beautiful and surreal and overwhelming with emotion. I felt like I had one foot in the past, one in the future and yet still standing in the present.