Archive for the ‘The Move’ Category

T minus 1 week

It’s passed midnight, so that means it’s officially Saturday. And I can’t sleep. My sporadic insomnia has an edge of panic attack to it. Spinning head, slightly numb hands. I know that my panic attacks are directly linked to my stress load. Let me see… In exactly one week my husband, daughter, dog and myself move in with my mom and her crazy dog (formerly my dog. But I seriously cannot handle his spaz anymore. Thus shipping him off to my moms. And now I’m going to be living with him again?!) in her super small 1 bed + loft room, 1.5 bath. Seriously, I’m guessing this place at about 1,000 square feet. I’m not packed nearly as much as I has planned due to delay of acquiring boxes. My mom is SO HAPPY we are moving in, so no pressure for me to be happy or anything. I feel like she isn’t acknowledging how hard this is for me, or for Hubster. Yes, of course there are things I’m looking forward to. Not being homeless. Less expenses. Extra help with Seedling. I know Seedling is going to be over-the-moon-thrilled to spend so much time with her Grammy. But yeah, just a lot of emotions. Loss of independence and privacy. Fears of tension and conflict. Loss of personal comforts – most of our stuff is going in storage. A few kitchen items, our clothes and dressers, Seedling’s crib and changing table and blackout curtains, a few books, a few knitting/craft projects, movies… That’s all that us coming with us. Everything from our table, plates and cups, couches and wall art, decorative curtains, Chiba cabinet, our bed… All going to storage. I know it’s just stuff, but it is stuff we have accumulated to make our apartment feel like home. it is the things that I’m so familiar with that I don’t consciously bite they are there, but they surround me with a sense if familiarity; colors, textures, aesthetic that I enjoy. While my mom is open to my ideas on arranging stuff, ultimately it her HER home. Her aesthetic, her stuff, heck, Hubster and I don’t even have our bed! (Not because we were forbade from bringing it, just that trying to fit our king in amongst everything seemed too tight.)

Alright, I more or less emptied my brain. Here’s hoping sleep will fill the void.

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Overloaded, Pina Coladas, and Colorful Explosives

So I’m sure you guys have been wondering what was going on this weekend (or, probably not… you guys probably don’t wander about your day wondering about a single blogger’s headache) Anyway, I spent  Friday and Saturday busy.  Or, at least busy for me.  Friday night I spent a long evening with friends, then brunch on Saturday with the same friends, brief break to check on dogs etc, then a quick dinner and we went to Vespers service at a different Orthodox church since our priest was out of town, then back to our regular church for a birthday party for one of the parishioner’s.  (70 years, amazing hu???)

So that in and of itself was enough to bean overload of socializing for me.  But in addition to that, my dear friend’s husband has recently been through a great growth in his faith  after spending a week at a monastery.  Which is great for him, but now he’s trying to help all those around him… and I think that mostly he is inadvertently hurting a lot of feelings.  Such was the case for me, he was trying to give me spiritual/fertility advice even though he has never dealt with infertility.  Usually I ignore such comments; or I get angry, but very rarely do I take them to heart.  I’m too stubborn and independent and rebellious for that! *angelic smile*  But for whatever reason, this time it was really affecting me.  (Sobbing breakdown in the shower Friday night… Joy.)  Thankfully I had the sense to message the woman who has been such a great spiritual advisor for me, and I had a nice chat with both her and her husband Sunday afternoon.  Basically a lot of it came down to the following advice:

-“Seek ye first the kingdom of God.”

-Monasteries aren’t magic.

-We are to have faith… and use our brains.  Prayer and faith are vital, but it’s not heretical to seek medical assistance either.

-There is freedom in Orthodoxy.

-There is much love and support from some wonderful people who have walked a similar road as us.

I cannot tell you, dear readers, what it meant to me to have these wonderful people to turn to when I was feeling so overwhelmed and discouraged.

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In case anyone was curious, Hubster and I did end up having our “amorous reunion” and it was great 😀 although I was in quite the silly giggly mood so there were definite childish moments, but that’s the joy of being with someone for so long, and being so comfortable with them.  I can break out into “Do you like pina co-la-das!” and not have it totally ruin the mood.

(My shampoo smells like pina coladas, so it was in reference to my hair, in case any of you were wondering just how insane I am)

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Just got done celebrating the Fourth of July at a church BBQ.  It was so wonderful and laid back, I got to spend some really great quality time with people I love a whole lot, and will miss greatly. (BTW, I realize that “church BBQ” could bring a lot of different images to different people based on their experience.  Our had great food, a variety of beers and other beverages, kids playing with sparklers and chalk, and adults lounging around and talking and laughing.  Not a lot of people being overly formal or stuffy or anything)

It got me to thinking though, I know many countries do have some form of “independence day”, but when do other countries use excessive amounts of colorful explosives?  I was thinking that maybe for New Years?  In which case I have decided I want to spend a New Years in some place like New Zealand because:

1-They have that whole opposite-season-thing going on.  I could be out dancing the night away and it would be WARM!  How crazy and splendiferous would that be????

2-They are super close to the date-line-thinga-majig, so they are some of the first to celebrate New Year’s.  It’s always cool to get to do something as soon as possible 😀

3-In theory, I could celebrate New Years, hop a plane to Seattle and celebrate the SAME New Year’s all in the same day!  That would be mind boggling, hu????? (Although really really exhausting….)

4-And of course, then I could meet Stinky and BabyCrazyKiwi!!!!!

So there ya have it, all the random thoughts buzzing about my brain in the middle of the night.  Getting the moving truck today, my dad get’s in tomorrow (Wednesday) and then… Thursday we start driving!  I knew it would come up fast, I knew I would be sitting here thinking “I can’t believe it’s here already” and well…. can I tell “I told you so” to myself?  Because that’s exactly what’s happening!

My Crazy Weekend

Yesterday morning I saw that a friend posted on facebook that she would be having a garage sale today.  Immediately I thought of the three large pieces of furniture sitting in my living room that we do NOT want to move with us.  (Corner piece entertainment unit, bookshelf and a desk)  Don’t get me wrong, they are all quality pieces of furniture, but are large and heavy and have a tendency to accumulate random bits, so Hubster and I had made the decision to sell them.  We meant to put them con Craigslist, but then he went out of town to fight fire and I wasn’t super motivated… Anyway, so I saw this and thought it was a golden opportunity!  I immediately messaged my friend that I would bring by my stuff (She had requested stuff for the garage sale so it’s not like I was being rude) but then it hit me…

1-There was still stuff on those pieces of furniture.  “Oh, but not much” I promised myself, it would take only a little bit to get them completely cleared off (HA!  Yea, it took me most of the day)

2-I drive a Ford Focus wagon.  I don’t think I could fit one of the pieces of furniture in, let alone 3.  Who has a truck?  I could get Hubster’s truck, but that still leaves me with the problem of getting to his truck, and loading the furniture into it.

I first texted Khimmy but she wasn’t feeling well enough to move furniture but was willing to drive me to get Hubster’s truck.  Huzzah!  It was actually a great break in the clearing off/packing process.  So then I texted my friend RL and waited with baited breath.  RL may be a girl, but she can kick @ss and take names, so I figured she could do it if she was available. (I don’t really have a lot of guy friends, so there wasn’t really anyone in male-form to ask)  She replied she would help when she got off work!  I finished taking apart the desk about a half hour before she showed up, yay perfect timing!

We drove over and unloaded it at my friends house, and then headed our separate ways (She had plans for the evening, I offered to buy her dinner for her troubles, but it seems it was fate for her to leave because she got home to find her dog had injured itself and needed stitches.)  I ended up having dinner with Khimmy, and somehow made plans to see a movie today.

This morning we went to the cheap theater in town and saw Thor in 3D for $3.  I am suddenly wondering why I never went to this theater before now…  In case you were wondering, the movie was really good!  Both Khimmy and I read comic books as kids and so we geek out about Marvel movies, and had such a good time we decided to go see the double feature at the local drive in (hello, $6 for two movies???) because it was actually playing some good movies and Khimmy has never been to a drive in!  So I figured that’s something we have to do before I leave… so in a little bit I will be leaving to watch Green Lantern and X-Men:First Class.  (I told you we are geeks about this stuff lol!)  It also feels like a nice reward for having worked basically ALL DAY yesterday on moving.

This afternoon I vacuumed a bit (the areas the furniture used to be) and have been trying to catch up on blogs.  All in all, it is turning out to be a really good weekend and for that I am incredibly thankful.  Tomorrow is church and then I am telling myself I have to at least start to tackle the guest bedroom…

How is your weekends looking?

Pictures. And some craziness.

Ok.  I’m going to try to post some pictures, as folks have asked for some.  These were taken by me in my back yard so be nice that I couldn’t get a lot of angles or stuff.  I did my best to tame my curly hair…

Ok.  So there you go.  This is me.  Ugh, me no like-y….

So onto my craziness.  You all know I have deleted dairy from my diet.  And it got me thinking… could my aversion to lactose have been contributing to me lack of ovulating?  Any chance I could ovulate on my own this cycle?  And then Hubster actually initiated sex Saturday night (and I think I finally got through to him that candles=romance=sex.) and it was really good!  I didn’t fake it, I did all the “I’m having a good time” signs, but didn’t try to express anything else.  And no, I didn’t orgasm but it’s not for lack of anything Hubster was doing… I think it’s just my own infertility baggage.  ANYWAY, the thing that kept me up ALL NIGHT and lead to some intense insomnia was I suddenly got to thinking “CD1 was the 23rd… so we just had sex on CD6, and sperm can live about 5 days… and if I did ovulate on my own is there a teeny tiny snowballs chance in hell that I could get pregnant?”  This got thrown into even starker relief by the fact that Hubster got deployed on an 18 day assignment for a wildfire in southern Colorado.  So we can’t even try again next weekend!

It also means that a big chunk of the packing will fall on my shoulders.  :/

And we have nothing to sit on in our living room.

You want my random couch story?  So we had a loveseat that while originally was super comfy and cute, has seen better days and we had decided to donate to Habitat for Humanity.  Hubster’s grandparents had given us one of their extra couches back around Christmas time and we just hadn’t gotten around to putting it in the house (it has been living in our garage)  Anyway, so we finally got the loveseat out, and went to move the couch into its place.  But it turns out that since the house we live in was made in the 60’s or 70’s it has narrower doors in the downstairs and… we couldn’t get the couch in!  So back to the garage it went and now… we have a pile of pillows and camping chairs in its place.  Except I gave up and moved the TV into the bedroom because my bed is way comfier.

However, the couch episode aside, we did get a lot accomplished on Sunday.  Two full truck loads were donating, including a LOT of books, and two book cases.  We also threw out a lot of stuff too… And today I listed all my excess of Mary Kay products and contacted some other reps about buying them.  I don’t even hope to get all my money back, but if I can make a little money for the trip and clear out the giant box of MK stuff that would be nice.  (I became a consultant over a year ago, and it never really went anywhere.  I’m so not a sales person… and I ended up finding some skincare I liked better so than it was even harder to advocate selling it… but I do think that for some people that MK does great things.  So I’m not dogging the company, just say it’s not right for me)  So while the house looks a little like a bomb went off since we’ve been sorting through… we actually have gotten quite a bit done.  I also did all the laundry AND walked the dogs today.  Just a little bit every day….

5 weeks, 3 days until moving day!

So sad the weekend ended!

Well folks, I have to say it… I had a GREAT weekend.  Um… Minus the lack of test-passing.  😦

Anyway, the new Pirates movie was good, and then I went to a concert with my friend Rachel.  (Yes, the Rachel who once was my surrogate and that I’ve linked to her blog a couple of times… she is moving back to her home state as I move back to my home state, but I am confident we will remain friends!)  Rachel has exceptional taste in music, and so when she invited me to a final ladies night at a tiny local venue to see some band I had never heard of, I was game.  And I am SOOOO glad I went.  The music was very emotional, a mix of acoustic, electronic, folk, soft rock… not really sure how to classify it.

It opened with the band Slow Runner who was really good awesome.  (I still have their music playing through my brain)  Then William Fitzsimmons came on stage, and apparently Slow Runner acts as his band on the road, so that was a cool surprise.  It was the last show on their current tour so everyone had gotten a little…. tipsy drunk.  Which basically meant they were over-sharing and hilarious and made the show that much better.  Afterwards they stuck around, and the bassist ended up talking with Rachel and I, and Rachel’s friend S.  (I feel I should mention that for the encore his changed out of his jeans-and-tshirt into what I can only assume is his old high school wrestling uniform – which was kookie and great)  He ended up giving Rachel an impromptu banjo lesson and we each got a picture with the bassist and William.  Maybe when I’m feeling less self conscious I will post it, but they were making my laugh so hard that my face was at a bad angle and I basically just look deranged. It was so nice to drink a little wine, hang out with some friends, and chat it up with someone who has literally traveled all over the world and has tons of fascinating stories.  (Apparently he’s gone streaking in Amsterdam… but that’s normal, right?)

Then Sunday morning was church, which I love and will genuinely miss when we move.  Sure, we will find a new church, but that doesn’t mean I won’t miss these folks.  But then Hubster had to leave town for work and he will be gone All Week 😦  I’m trying to remind myself that this will be one of the last times he has to travel for work.  And will give me plenty of time to start going through our stuff.  Deciding what to pack, what to get rid of…. assuming I can get motivated to do it all.  It’s a little overwhelming… one room at a time, right?

*Six weeks, 3 days until we start driving!*

All For Naught

So…. Hubster didn’t pass the written test for Larmie County Fire.  So all my mid-night stress was for naught.  But it did raise some important questions of what do we sacrifice for those we love?  And rather intensely points out my inability to give certain parts of my life to God.

Sometimes, I can do it so easily.  It’s a relief, to put the concern onto God’s shoulders and trust that He will work out the problem.  Other times I want to micromanage and as much as I try to let go, it’s like the issue is super-glued to my hands and I can’t.

Hubster is pretty upset he didn’t pass the written.  The written test has always been his “white whale” so to speak, and even though he is relieved we didn’t waste a $1,000 deposit he is frustrated that he can’t get past this point of the testing process.  I’m disappointed for him, I wish there was some way I could help.  but I’m also really excited that we are “cleared” to move (God Willing of course) and as far as I can tell there are no speed-bumps or hindrances on the horizon.  I’m so sad for him, and so happy for me, and so guilty at myself for feeling happy.

My friend M recommended a book that when I went to look it up, is out of print.  (I don’t understand this concept, in this day and age.  Especially with Nooks, it doesn’t even cost publishers much to publish since it takes no materials!)  So… if anyone has a spare copy of “Sacrament of Love” by Paul Evdokimov they would be willing to lend me just so I can scan it into my computer so I can print out my OWN copy… that would greatly appreciated.  Because the only copies I could find were (used!) almost $70!

Well, that’s if for my weird ramblings for now… Hubster is currently napping off his anger, and than we are going to go see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie (hopefully that will cheer him up a bit) and then I am going and having one last “girls night” with my friend Rachel before she moves back to her hometown in Pennsylvania; we are going to see some local musician William Fitzsimmons, who I have never heard of…. should be interesting!

It’s all about Agape

I am fairly terrified at the moment. Everything I have been doing the last 2 months or so has been to move to Washington. Be closer to family, friends, and my happy place. (When I’m having a particularly depressing day I picture the ferry ride out to Vashon Island. The water, the trees, the eclectic folks you can people-watch on a ferry… But mostly it’s the water-and-trees-thing.) Getting to celebrate holidays with everyone, and not be alone at my kitchen table with Hubster and our dogs, unless that is what we WANT. Be able to raise my kids (Because it WILL happen. Someday) around said family and friends. So that their grandparents are not strangers to them. However, this weekend Hubster is testing for Larimie County Fire Department. (Which is basically Cheyenne) And he has a really good shot. It’s a small department, the Chief personally called him the other day to confirm that he will be there to test this weekend. That tells you there is a very short list of people applying. And I have to support him testing. He has supported me emotionally and financially while I went to school (and I was in school a long time!) and pursued my career. But there is this part of me that is on the floor, bawling inside at the idea that this will be one more disappointment, one more failed move, one more ride on the depression-spiral because there is something about this area that just gets to me. As much as people say the grey sky of the NW is depressing, I find the dull brown of everything here depressing. But I keep telling myself to suck it up, be a good dutiful, selfless wife and support my husband. I’m basically channeling Jane Eyre at the moment. (Have you guys seen the new movie?  It is SO GOOD!) Tomorrow morning he takes the written test, they will grade immediately and if he passes go right on to the physical test. If he passes he will be doing oral interviews on Sunday. I just hope I can hold it together. It’s weird… to support the idea of him getting a job in his dream career… and at the same time hoping that for some reason or another he doesn’t get it? I am a terrible terrible wife…

So tell me… as an Orthodox wife…. Where is the line?  When you are humble and meek and consider others before yourself… and when you draw the line and saw “I just can’t do that.”  Or are we ever to do that?  I keep praying that God will give me strength, that He will guide me, that He will soften my heart, that he will make me Humble.

I wish I lived in a different era.  Like Jane Eyre.  Where everyone knew their place, there was none of this dreaming of a life above/outside your station.  You accepted what your life was to be.  You knew what was expected of you, you knew how to behave.  This culture is so confusing.  I’m told to be independent and not rely on a man.  I’m told to think for myself.  I’m told not to be a doormat.  But so much of this flies in the face of my faith and I just don’t know how to reconcile how I was raised, with who (I think?) I should be.

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So I sent all the above to my good friend M.  She has been in the Orthodox faith longer than I, and underwent her own infertility issues leading to an instant bond between us.  She has been a great wealth of information and insight to me, especially as I have yet to really “connect” with our priest.  (He is a really sweet guy, don’t get me wrong, but you know how sometimes you just “click” with some people and other times it seems like you should, but you just… don’t?  That’s how it is for me)  Anyway, so I sent it to M.  And her succinct reply was basically a reminder that it’s not up to me.  It’s up to God. 

On one hand, it makes sense.  It’s the obvious answer.  Because it IS up to God.  However, just because it is up to God, doesn’t mean I’m not still left wondering how to behave.  How to feel.  Because a lot of what I’m wrestling with here is bigger than “To move, or not to move.  That is the Question.”  It is, how am I supposed to be a wife?  What does that role look like?  When do we sacrifice, and when do we not?  Or do we ever not sacrifice?  I realize that the majority of my readers are not Orthodox, and so are influenced by their faith, or culture or whatever is their measurement of standard of behavior and morality.  And I don’t want non-Orthodox folks to read this and think that Orthodox people are a bunch of ignorant patriarchal morons.  I think whatever your belief, you realize the importance of people in relationships having roles, boundaries, expectations and codes of conduct.  A complete lack of this would lead to chaos.  And the fact is that the idea of sacrificial love works both ways, Hubster should/does try to make decisions our of love for me even though it may cost him something.  So in the give-and-take of sacrifice, when do we step up and say “I’m ok with this.  I’m not ok with that.” or does that negate the very nature of being sacrificial in our love? 

I don’t even know if I’m making sense anymore. I just know it all comes down to Agape.  Which is Greek for Sacrificial Love.  Most languages have numerous words for “love”… just not our English language.  Stupid English.