Archive for the ‘milestones’ Category


There have been good days. There have been bad days. The bad days have been really really bad. I’m struggling with burnout. Hubster gone 17 hours a day just sucks. I think I’m seeing signs of my depression history creeping back. At least I know what to look out for. In some ways, it feels like delayed post partum depression.

It used to be when Seedling cried I had these mommy instincts to want to soothe her. Now I feel rage and frustration mounting. I’ve yelled at her. Yelled at a 6 month old. Completely stupid. I’ve had to put her down in a safe spot and walk away for fear I would accidentally hurt her.

This is not what I pictured when I pictured being a parent.

I mean, I knew it wouldn’t be all sunshine and roses, but this RAGE is unexpected. Since I can’t unleash at Seedling it tends to come out at Hubster. So take bad mom and add on a heap of bad wife.

Sure, there is lots going on. The travel to California, the move, and somewhere along the way Seedling became a rolling machine and so I’m having to take into account baby proofing now.

I think the idea of her autonomy is scaring me. It used to be she would stay put. But she’s becoming her own person, and while that is great and important, beautiful and normal, it is also scary. Scary as I watch my friends (who are great parents) struggle with battles of wills with their three year olds, these little people who have their own alien senses of logic that don’t make any sense to our adult logic.

I’ve been stress eating. I can literally see the weight gain in the last month when I look in a mirror. I’m scared for myself, for my health, feeling completely out of control. I can eat a full meal and ten minutes later my brain is saying “you’re hungry! Eat! EAT! EEEAAATTT!!!” I’m worried about being healthy to be around and active with my daughter, worried that my food addiction will mess up her own food associations, worried that if I can’t get my weight down I won’t have a shot at more kids (I highly suspect weight played a big part of my infertility)

Add to the cupcake of rage, the icing of eating addiction, and the cherry on top of it all? Hubster got laid off work on Friday. Turns out the plant has some budget issues and had to shut down until they confirmed some funding stuff. Taking us from a single income family to a no-income family. Thanks be to God we still have a little money left in his trust account. The silver lining is he gets time with Seedling. I will get a little (much needed!) help around here. He also now has time to job hunt. (He hated his job but between work and school there really wasn’t time to job hunt effectively)

About the only thing that helps is taking the time to pray. I love that in Orthodoxy there are prayers for everything. Morning, afternoon, evening, meals, prayers just because I am having a rough moment. I just need to actually make/take the time to pray. Because when I do, it makes a huge difference in the feelings of anxiety, depression, rage…

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!


To the Power of Five

Today (Thursday 5/30/13) was a big day. Seedling and I went to visit my friend J and her daughter C. Seedling is now 5 months old (What?! FIVE?? How did that happen!) and it was very surreal to see my daughter next to a 5 day old baby. To realize she really isn’t that tiny anymore. Our day is no longer a stream of eat-sleep-poop. She is sitting up with help. Even standing with (a lot of) help. She has an ever expanding repertoire of squeaks, squawks, grunts and giggles. She can reach, grab and bring things to her mouth. We play endless hours of tickle games, singing along to music, dancing about the apartment. Heck, today was some major milestones of her rolling from her back to her tummy. And this evening succeed in getting her left big toe in her mouth.

Don’t get me wrong – I am loving this stage. But I get nostalgic, knowing she will never be that teeny tiny again. She won’t spend entire days in a milk-enduced food comas.

I’m thankful we still have lots and lots of time ahead if us. Although I’m aware (and terrified) of how fast it will go!

The little girlies, 5mo Seedling and 5do C:



Being a Real Girl, pt2

Yesterday was a no good, very bad day. But it all came out good.

It started with me going in to get my dress altered. You know, that blue one I ordered? Ya, well, it was too small. And not just a little that she could let out. 3 to 4 inches to small. Not exactly the confidence boost a 4 month post-delivery mom needs. :/ I promptly returned the dress.

Then I found out that the apartment Hubster and I have been considering moving to is going to cost more than originally quoted. It’s a long story, but it just left me grumpy and frazzled.

And THEN I went to pick up our local produce box (similar to a CSA) at a community center. The woman behind the counter proceeded to argue that the box had been left FOR THE COMMUNITY CENTER and I was like “No, it has MY NAME on it!”


I did some dress hunting online. Everything I liked wasn’t at a local store for me to try on. Until I checked out David’s Bridal. Sure, I’m not going to a wedding, but I need a nice dress in a plus size that isn’t going to cost an arm and a leg.

Then my mom showed up to babysit so I could go meet some old coworkers for dinner at Red Robin. It totally saved the day. I had a drink with alcohol in it. We laughed and joked and talked about what everyone is up to. There was even discussion of our various favorite vampire novels, I came home with some interesting titles to look up (if I ever have the time hahaha). It was just so refreshing to get out and have adult conversation.

The fun continued today, I went to have brunch with a different old coworker from a different job. She’s 38 weeks pregnant, and it was so cool to think back to just 5 months ago when I was all super pregnant. What I had assumed would happen, and how it all turned out so differently. We met at a bakery and indulged in donut-y goodness. (After dinner last night and donuts today, I swear its salad and water tomorrow!). Seedling was uncharacteristically good for the hour drive, mostly sleeping. It was a nice respite from her usual screaming. She woke up at the bakery, smiling and cooing and being very sweet. With her sleeping on the way back I decided to run by the local David’s and try on a dress I had seen online I liked. We got the right size, it was comfortable, in my price range, and we would be able to just get it in time for my trip. So I placed my order. Lookie at pictures! (They only had a black to try on so you can’t appreciate the draping detailing… I ordered it in dark blue…)
Obviously must find a bra that doesn’t cover my entire upper back… Lol. Oh the glamor of a nursing bra…

On a Seedling Milestone note: today while changing her diaper, she reached for… and grabbed her foot!!!! She has reached lots, but this was the first time she’s gotten a hold of one! The photo is blurry, but it was the best I could get in the moment:

Ladybug Fun!

Well it’s 2am and Seedling has decided it’s time to be AWAKE. So while I slowly walk in circles around my tiny apartment trying to rock her back to sleep, I figured the blog was overdue for an update. A few milestones we have hit here recently:
-seedling is 4 1/2 months old
-She is becoming more coordinated at reaching/grabbing/batting/pulling things. We have a dangling toy that plays music when you pull on it. Hubs yet or I have always been the ones to make it go, but this weekend she pulled hard enough to make it go herself!
-she’s generally losing interest in laying in her back to play, but doesn’t have the strength to sit unaided. Even with the boppy, or in her high chair with toys on the food tray, she can only last so long. The cool thing about high chair playtime is that she can watch me get chores done, and during mealtime we can still all be together even though Seedling isn’t eating solids yet.
-Thursday last week was the first time she’s shown interest of food. I had her on my knee while eating lentil soup at a church supper, and she was very much following the spoon!
-she is wearing 6-9 month tops, and 9+ month pants. Have I mentioned she’s always above average on the growth charts in height?
-she’s sucking her thumb. This has been going in for a little while now, but she’s much more coordinated at getting that digit in her mouth and keeping it there. She will chew on her other fingers as well, and drool… I’m just waiting for a tooth to pop up one of these days!
-all over her upper respiratory/eye infection/ear infection as far as I can tell. Yippee!
-much like her mom: hates the heat. We hit upper 80’s/possibly the 90’s today and she was miserable. Had to blot her with a cool damp cloth just so she could nurse. She’s living in just a onesie. We have every fan going and window open. It’s gonna be a long summer…

And now for some adorable ness that is high chair play time with her Eric Carl ladybug!