Archive for the ‘Blog Aid’ Category

Infertility Awareness

It’s infertility awareness week. I knew it was coming. And planned a nice, long, informational post. In my head. But Seedling is sick (just runny nose/cough/low grade fever) and so her sleeping and eating is all wonky. And now I’m getting sick (so proud of my girl for wanting to share! ūüėõ ) so this will be brief.

Yes, we miraculously and unexpectedly got pregnant. But we still had 2 and a half years of trying, tests, interventions and a baby lost. I have no idea what our future holds for more kids. I know I want them. God willing.

I don’t hide our history. But I also try to not bring it up at times it doesn’t fit. If the topic comes up, I tell the truth. I don’t have feelings of shame or embarrassment. I having sad feelings. Feelings of loss and feeling lost. Feelings of camaraderie from the lifeline this online community has been.

My infertility journey has changed me. My faith, my marriage, my life. There were some intensely dark times… Giving in to the dark times is easy. Looking for a few rats of sunshine, a silver lining, some semblance of hope – it’s hard. I’m so thankful for the therapists, the support of special family and friends.

Infertility is a part of me, of my past. And it may be ahead of me in my future. But I know it isn’t my entirety. And on that note, I’m going to snuggle my daughter. She may be sick and cranky, but she’s my daughter, a little person I spent countless hours praying, hoping, wishing for. Who I love immensely.

A little more level headed

Thank you all for the outpouring of support. I can’t tell you all what it means to me!!!!!!!!! I live this community *warm fuzzy*

I will put in another call to LLL today. Yesterday (Sunday) ended up being quite crazy day. We didn’t sleep well, Saturday night, then overslept and rushed out the door to get to church. As this was my first visit back to church since Seedlings birth there was a “Churching” where the priest comes back and says prayers over the newborn in the Narthex (entrance) which was very sweet… After liturgy was over everyone wanted to see the new addition during coffee hour. It was heartwarming to realize how many people have been thinking about us and praying for us ‚̧

Then home to pump and feed Seedling. Yesterday I didn't try to nurse much – I wanted to compare how much I was producing (about 1ounce per breast per feeding for a rough total of 2 ounces) compared to how much Seedling wanted to eat (about 3 to 4 ounces per feeding… Although at one feeding she readily ate 5 ounces!). So now I know I have a deficit of about 2 ounces.

Then to the grocery store… Needed some basic food items and wanted to see what my formula options were. I had been feeding a free sample of Similac but didn't feel very comfortable with a lot of the ingredients… Found an organic formula at the store to try, I just wish it was milk only without soy, but I couldn't find an organic formula that didn't contain soy! (There are a lot of concerns about what soy does to the estrogen levels…) but at least I can pronounce most of the ingredients in this formula so I don't feel as anxious if she is having it as part if her nutrition.

Then back home… Tried to get some napping in, but Seedling had slept all through church and most of the grocery experience, so I only got a little. But, when we gave in to the fact that she was awake and had play time/tummy time, she reached out and grabbed her toy for the first time!!! She has done some reaching before, but this was the first reach-and-grab, and I’m so glad Hubster got to witness it!

The next amazing thing? She slept from 8:30pm to 3am… I didn’t get up to pump after my 9pm pumping, which hurt my boobs and will impact my supply… But after the serious lack of sleep, stress and emotionalism, MAN did it feel good, great, better than sex to get 6 hours of sleep!

I’m a new woman who can handle anything now!

Picture of Seedling with her links she grabbed ūüėÄ

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Back to Happy?

Maybe yesterday’s post was too heavy. ¬†I feel I should clarify, that I’m not talking about any of my readers, or any of the blogs I recommend to people to read. ¬†It’s more of a recognition of what I know is out there.

I remember a while back, when I heard rumblings of some controversy in the ALI community called PAIL. ¬†I didn’t really get it at the time. ¬†I didn’t think that a separate¬†place¬†for¬†pregnant¬†or parenting folks was needed, but I also didn’t see why it should be such a big deal if they decided to congregate. ¬†But in the last month or so, as my reader stats have been dropping, commenting is running low, I started to realize I was becoming more and more alone in my journey. ¬†I started to feel like something of a leper… and that’s when I remembered about this mysterious PAIL thing. ¬†So I went a-searching. ¬†And found a whole group of women, dealing with the excitement, but also the fears and concerns that come with this experience.

It’s not that I’m wanting to leave the bloggers that I have become invested in, hoping with them every cycle that this time it works. ¬†More, it’s a recognition that for some of those individuals, it’s really hard for them to continue following me. ¬†I believe there’s still mutual care for one another, just a¬†recognition¬†that we’re in different places.

I’m not going to apologize for where I’m at. ¬†And I’m not going to apologize for posting pictures of ultrasounds or bumps, or that I’m talking about things like nurseries, parenting philosophies, and birthing plans. ¬†Before I became pregnant, I knew that if I ever did get pregnant, I was going to celebrate every moment of it that I got, knowing that I could lose it all in a blink of an eye. ¬†I would rather enjoy what I’ve got. ¬†(That whole choosing-to-be-happy thing I was talking about yesterday)

In an attempt to end on a high note, I wan to share an important moment today. ¬†I had my first in-public recognition of my pregnancy. ¬†Let me explain; since I started this pregnancy overweight (215lbs) I worried that I would never *look* pregnant. ¬†But that I would just look¬†increasingly¬†obese. ¬†2 weeks ago when a woman told me “You don’t look pregnant¬†at all!!!‘ my fears were somewhat solidified. ¬†But this evening, as I was walking about the grocery store getting a few odds and ends for dinner, I had one of those moments when several people attempt to cross an intersection between¬†aisles. ¬†It was very crowded, so I made eye contact with the couple to the left of me and, waved at them to go ahead, thinking they had a large cart and I just had a small hand-basket. ¬†They hesitated, and then the husband crossed into the next aisle. ¬†And as he did so, his wife kicked him in the butt and explained “Let the pregnant lady go first, GAAHHH!”

Totally made my evening. ¬†ūüôā

And to top it off, “So You Think You Can Dance” is on tonight! *Squeee!!!*

Just a quick po…

Just a quick post:

My dear, sweet nephew (my brother’s son) has been admitted to the hospital yesterday for a MRSA infection. ¬†When he was admitted his temperature was 104.7. ¬†It started as just a diaper rash. ¬†The update I got was that he has been given IV antibiotics, so his temperature is now ranging from normal to 102. ¬†He may have to undergo surgery to remove the infected tissue. ¬†He’s only 2 years old, and this has been several¬†stressful¬†several months for the family. ¬†They had their second child, a girl, last fall. (Who they love and adore, but 2 kids in diapers is a lot of work!) Then this summer they have had to move across the country (my brother is an officer in the military) so that my brother could start some new ¬†training. ¬†That training takes up more time then a “normal job”. ¬†They had just started the unpacking process in their new home about a week or two ago. ¬†And now their little boy has been admitted to the hospital, and they can’t take their daughter with them due to infection risks, so have been having to find someone to watch her during the day. ¬†It’s more than “a lot” on their shoulders. ¬†I’ve notified our church’s prayer chain, and lit a candle for them, and said so many prayers, but if any of my readers out there would be willing to pray for them as well, it would mean a lot. ¬†Even though the move made them closer, they are still much too far away for me to be of any real tangible help, but I know prayer works. ¬†My pregnancy is plenty proof that miracles happen! ¬†I’m so anxious for the next update, and dearly hope it brings good news!!!

You like me! You REALY like me!

This weekend I got this lovely award!

From Daryl over at Something Out of Nothing!

As per all awards, here are “the rules”!

Here’s the five-step process to follow after being given this award:

  • Share who gave it to you with a link back to their blog.
  • Write down seven random facts about yourself.
  • Give this award to fifteen other bloggers.
  • Let them know they‚Äôve won.
  • Pop the award on your blog.

Since I kind of suck at coming up with random things about me, I did a little google hunt to come up with random questions for me to answer. Here we go:

1-Do you like black and white movies? Why or why not?
Man, I really wish I liked BW movies more. There are some that I’ve seen and love. (Miracle on 34th Street anyone???) But in general I find that BW movies, are just a little cheesy and over-acted. But I know that was just they way they made movies back in the day. Maybe the problem is I have seen so few of them, and I’m not really sure which ones to rent? I’ve seen Psycho, and Casablanca, and thought those was pretty good. So, if anyone out there is a film history buff and wants to recommend some great BW movies, let me know!

2-Do you watch the news on tv? How often?
Um, no. I know, I know, I’m an ignorant American. But here’s the thing. 80% is scary/depressing and the other 20% is stupid stuff I don’t care about. I wish I was more aware of what was going on, but the area I live in is pretty dangerous, so every night they are talking about some person who got held up, or a shooting, or something… and I’m naturally a pretty anxious person. I don’t need more reasons to be scared of my neighborhood. Then if I try to get into global news it’s always about some act of terror or war in a distant country that breaks my heart, but there isn’t really anything I can do to try and help. So I’ll just stick with my funny sitcoms, thankyouverymuch. (Hubster watches the news, and passes on pertinent info to me, so I’m not totally in the dark.)

3-Name one book you had to read but hated, and explain why you hated it.
As someone who LOVES reading, I rarely meet a book I hate (let alone “dislike”) But when I was taking AP Literature in High School, I had to read The Iliad. And that just sucked. It was SOOOO LOOOONG, and would go on and on and ON about random descriptions of random stuff that had nothing to do with the plot. I must admit I didn’t finish it. My friend Polly and I were in that class together, and to try and slog through it we would take turns reading it out loud to one another. We really did try. But this was also part of a book list we had to read before classes even started, so we were trying to read it while on summer vacation. In Hawaii. Seriously?! Who can blame us???

4-At what age did you lose your virginity?
It was November 2004… so I was 19. Hubster and I had been dating a year. (Man, I feel like I remember being older and us having dated longer but I think that’s the truth of it!) We had intended to wait until marriage… I think that was a lot easier back when there was arranged marriages or shorter courtships. When you date for that long, it gets really hard not to want to express your feelings physically. It is a rather unique statement in this day and age to say I’ve only had sex with one person though!
**UPDATED** upon thinking more, it was in fact 2005, not 2004, so we had been dating 2 years, and I was 20. I mis-remembered where I was living in 2004 (we were both in dorms) Few, I feel a little better about that!

5-Do you like to sing karaoke?
I’ve only ever done it once at a friend’s birthday party, but I had a really great time (except for the fact that Hubster was being a party pooper about the whole thing) and would definitely do it again. I have a halfway decent voice when I’m really focused, but of course the grand-ness of karaoke is that everyone kinda sucks, so you just get up and belt it out and have a good time and no one takes it too seriously. I personally really enjoyed singing country songs. Let’s face it, they are musically fairly simple and lots have plenty of spunk and sass!

6-Do you like musicals? (movies or theater)
OhmygoodnessYES! Both. I love them both. I tend to like older movie musicals. I don’t like how a lot of newer musicals don’t actually make up new songs, they just pull songs from pop culture and stick them in. In high school my mom took me to New York and I got to see Cabaret. It was amazing! (And the staged version is definitely superior to the movie. Maybe someone should remake the movie version? They two are just so very different.) One of my first childhood crushes was on Christ.ian Bal.e in the musical “Newsies”. I just think that music is such a great story-telling device that impacts emotions differently than spoken word alone.

…..*phone rings*…..

7-I got pulled away from typing this to do my first ever phone interview.
It was kind of terrifying. Not being able to read their expressions or body language, I had no idea if she thought I was an idiot or if she really liked me. It’s for the world’s cutest baby boutique downtown. In some respects it would be a LOT of responsibility. As manager of a small business, there is not really any wiggle room for slacking (not that I think I’m a slacker, but you guys know what I mean – there really isn’t anyone to come in and “cover” if you’re sick, so you can’t just call in because you feel a little “off”.) but I also think it is just the COOLEST, most unique store. I think it could be just enough of a challenge to be interesting, and just enough of low key as to be what I really want right now. I should hear back from her by Wednesday to see if I will be going in for an in-person interview on either Thursday or Friday, to start training on Monday, and to officially take over on the 29th. *deep breath* Whatever will be, will be, right? And yes, of course, it’s a baby boutique, so me being pregnant kind of came up. I think she sounded excited? But who knows, maybe honesty wasn’t the best policy… but that’s just the kind of person I am.

Now as far as giving out this award… see, the problem is since getting back into blogging, while I follow a handful of blogs, I don’t know that I can say that I’m actually following 15 other blogs right now! And factor in that it seems like everyone has gotten this award here recently… If you blog, and have NOT gotten this award yet, I hope you will take this award and have fun with it. I know that all the blogs I follow (and I try very hard to keep up with everyone who comments on here, unless the commenter doesn’t have a blog) are wonderful, fabulous blogs. I just think everyone has already gotten this award.

On that note, I’m going to curl up with my handy-dandy-new pregnancy book I got today. I was hanging out with Suzy and I found it used for $2, who can pass that up? But it’s the same one she has and really likes, and I figure I really should have something, so I got it. “Your Pregnancy” by Glad B. Curtis. Should be fun, and help get my nervousness out from being all wired over my phone interview!

Can Someone Tell Me How To Live My Life?

On December 14th, it will officially have been¬† 3 months since Hubster’s indiscretion.

On one hand, it feels like the who event happened so long ago.¬† It seems like it was a year or two ago, not three months.¬† I’m proud of the way we both handled it.¬† We reached out for help.¬† Whether it be via blogging, our Priest, a counselor – we didn’t try to go it alone.

but really, the whole things just feels so long ago.

On the other hand, the time has passed quickly.  I thought the three months would really drag out, but between job hunting, The Job From Hell, more job hunting, The Awesome Job, keeping busy with church, attempted weight loss, our dogs and kitten, and the general chaos that is Hubster working for a temp agency, the time has gone by a lot faster than I had expected.

So, three months later, where are we at?

Marriage: Doing good!¬† We have great days where we are totally in sync.¬† Hubster helps out around the house, I work, and it all flows.¬† We have days where we can’t seem to get on the same page, one or the other of us is grumpy.¬† But we still crawl into bed together, cuddle, and fall asleep together.¬† We send lots of sappy text messages throughout the day. ūüôā

Job: So far, so good ūüôā¬† Still fine-tuning my training, because when I was first hired there was a lot going on and I didn’t get as much training as I should have, but things are calming down so my trainer has the time to give.¬† I got to do quite a bit of training on Saturday, and I feel that we made some good ground in the day.

Weight Loss: …. ugh.

I have lost about 30 lbs.¬† I’m weighing in about 220lbs.¬† Now, in roughly 3 months, I know that’s not bad.¬† However, the first 15-20 came off really easily.¬† And the last bit has been so hard.¬† I’m losing motivation because I hit this plateau about a month back.¬† Just feeling defeated.¬† I think that the medication for my appetite is messing with my sense of taste.¬† Foods that I normally love, have a weird psuedo-sour-bitter after taste.¬† I am beyond bored with the special protein bars and shakes from my doctor.¬† I tried to buy some new protein “chips” and “cookies”, but I have to tell you guys, they taste like ass.¬† I have been VERY hungry, and tried to eat them, and would rather sit and be hungry that put that crap in my mouth.¬† But if I don’t eat, I don’t maintain my metabolism, and I don’t lose weight.

Not eating would be easier than this frequent-eating nonsense.

So, what should I do?¬† Assuming that Hubster clears the HIV test on the 14th as we assume he will, we were planning to try and get pregnant by ourselves until my insurance kicks in, in February.¬† But I had wanted to get below 200 lbs before we started trying again.¬† Well, there’s a good 20 lbs between me and that goal, and it’s not budging.¬† Do I stick to my guns, and hold off on baby-making attempts until I’ve lost the weight?¬† I worry that will never happen… and then I cry.¬† And get depressed.¬† And when I get depressed that last thing I feel motivated about is losing weight.

I feel pretty confidant that taking Phentermine and attempting to get pregnant at the same time is a no-no.

Of course the odds of me getting pregnant without medical assistance isn’t making me think I really need to worry about it. (I’ve been half-assed charting my BBT for my acupuncturist.¬† Nothing has changed since when I was first charting 2 1/2 years ago.)

I also found out that the insurance my job offers… sucks balls.¬† Group Health.¬† I’ve never heard good things about programs like this.¬† For those of you in other countries or who have never heard of this insurance company, they have their very own Group Health Clinics.¬† You get no choice in who you see.¬† The only way to see a specialist is to get a referral from a doctor at the Group Health Clinic.¬† A quick internet search confirmed that they have their own infertility specialists.¬† Which means that the doctor I researched, met, and loved … will not be covered.¬† They may even throw out all my history of infertility and want me to start back over from day 1, and have to wait a “year of unsuccessful pregnancy attempts” before they allow me to see a fertility specialist.¬† Which means I will very likely end up paying for fertility treatments 100% out of pocket.

I am willing to bet my weight-loss specialist wont be covered either.

At least I could go and get an annual physical without having to pay for that, right?

I’m so sick of this skinny girls complaining about wanting to lose 5 pounds.¬† Are you kidding me?!?!¬† I just want to slap every one of them.¬† Of course they look down on me with derision, that I did this to myself.¬† And it IS my fault that I got to this point, I know that.¬† But that doesn’t change the fact that I find those size-6-ers annoying.

I’m just bitter and frustrated all around, hu?

So ladies, what are your thoughts?¬† Should we try?¬† Should we wait?¬† Anyone have some good, easy, high-protein recipe ideas for food that aren’t expensive? Anyone have experience with Group Health that could advise me on what to expect?

Floating Along

You ladies have no idea how all your comments impact me.

They remind me of how important and vital it is to focus on what is important, and what is not.  What are my boundaries, and what I am willing to compromise on.

I took today as a bit of what I call a “cheat” day, or a “me” day.¬† I decided to eat what I wanted (within reason, I had pasta for dinner, and chocolate for dessert, and I’m not going to step on the scale tomorrow morning and I’m not going to feel guilty about it.) and basically allow myself the space to feel my emotions and take care of myself.¬† I haven’t really felt 100% “here” today, I’ve just been letting myself go.

Boundaries:¬† When my nanny-boss asked me to come in on a variety of days, I stuck to what I felt I could do so I could keep my sanity.¬† There were a limited number of days/times I had previously committed to, and I felt it was important to stand by what I had already agreed to.¬† Other then that I gave her one day of the week I felt comfortable that I could offer and maintain time for myself, and for the people that I hold as a priority.¬† I think she was a bit hurt, but I think it made her realize that she needs to find someone else in an immediate sense.¬† I do hope we can continue a friendship beyond this, but it’s too soon to tell.¬† I value friendships, but part of a friendship is two people reaching into the other’s life, and giving support and understanding.¬† Most of our relationship has been as employer/employee.¬† There are times a friend might ask me to be somewhere I would decline because I would feel the freedom to decline, but when my boss asks me to be somewhere I do it even if it’s really inconvenient, because she is my boss.¬† So now we are moving toward a place where I am telling her no, and that’s strange for her.

As for my vet-boss: Many of your suggestions made me smile.¬† I must admit that if I was a reader of this blog, I would encourage the author to stand up for herself.¬† But as the person who must actually have the interaction, I know that I will continue to play nice until I can find something else.¬† This is for two reasons really.¬† First; I really will stand up to people, but usually because I have hope that the person I am standing up to will change.¬† I do not think my boss will change.¬† There is nothing I can say or do that will make him reconsider how he treats me and the rest of the staff.¬† The only result I can imagine happening is him having an increased dislike for me, and making the rest of my employment there even more miserable, if not straight-out firing me.¬† Any reference he would provide would be horrific.¬† I just refuse to waste my breath.¬† Secondly; if I stand up to him, I know that my co-workers are scared enough of him, they will agree with him.¬† I will not be heralded as any hero.¬† They will consider me an idiot for making a bad situation worse.¬† I will not make the situation better for them, I would only make it more tense and difficult.¬† If I were to record his rants, and file a complaint of harassment, I know for a fact that NONE of my coworkers would stand up and confirm his ill treatment because they are all too terrified of losing their jobs.¬† So my plan is to continue applying for new jobs, and in the mean time keep my head down and mind my P’s and Q’s at work.¬† And keep my panic-attack medication handy.

Oh babies…¬† I think there were many great things said from you about this.¬† Alex “If everyone waited until they could afford a baby, the world population would have ceased to exist eons ago. Your body has a baby expiration date. You go for it now and pay the piper later.”¬† Rebecca “Hopefully you‚Äôll both be at better jobs soon and at least one of you will be offered health insurance.” My dear Stinky ūüôā “I can understand the logical practical reasoning to think you need to wait for trying for kids. I really do. I also know that time IS of the essence, especially if an infertility cause has been identified.” I have to admit that I did not have the energy or focus to bring up the baby discussion with Hubster tonight.¬† Call it cowardice if you like, but in my mind it was about mental-survival.¬† As I mentioned previously, I spent as much of today in a space of “me”.¬† I took the dogs to a local off leash park (it was a perfect fall day, crisp and cool but the sun was shining and the leaves were changing…) I read a book as I walked about with my dogs, nostalgically watching them frolic and play.¬† And then came home and had a tasty dinner.¬† The last thing I had the energy for was a deep conversation about important stuff.¬† I could barely focus to make the dinner and maintain normal chit chat about each others day.¬† I would much rather wait until my head is screwed on a bit more, and I have the ability to calmly talk without trailing off and forgetting what I was saying.¬† My assumption is that Hubster does indeed want kids.¬† Just the other week he was texting me (multiple times in one day) about how he was crying and wanting kids.¬† I think that because this is not something that will ever be “an accident”, he tends to over-think it. (read: will eternally over-think it until the little squirt is here) Generally he tends to be the more logical and rational one of the two of us, especially when it comes to money, and he is looking at our current situation and can’t see how we can make the numbers work.¬† I also think that he was raised by parents who really ingrained in him the importance of being practical and rational in his decision-making-process, and it is tough to pursue something as important as having a family, when you know your parents will not support you.¬† Do I think he needs to grow up, cut the cord, not care so much what his parents think?¬† Ya.¬† But I know that is a process, and compared to how things used to be when we were first married, he has come a decent ways.¬† We all have areas in our lives that are difficult to change, and relationships with parents is a common one.

Our ex-roomie; after having a conversation with my families lawyer, he basically told me that while we stood a good chance of winning in small-claims court, we would have to do it back in Colorado, and would more than likely be more expensive than the $550 we are due.¬† So over the last 24 hours Hubster and I had put together an email, that we sent off tonight, basically appealing to our ex-roomie that she be an adult and do the right thing.¬† While I don’t believe in Karma, I do believe that sin has natural consequences, and that if she chooses to make a bad decision somewhere down the line it will come back to bite her in the ass.

Tomorrow I will be going out to Port Orchard.¬† A bit of paradise, within the fabulousness that is the Pacific Northwest.¬† My hope is that my time with Polly will help smack me into a clearer head-space while simultaneously refreshing me so that I can face not only a difficult conversation with my husband, but also the fact that the day after I have to go back to work… and the trend seems to be that Saturdays are when my vet-boss is in his worst mood.¬† Polly is my oldest friend, and after knowing me since 5th grade she often knows me better than I know myself and has a way of phrasing things that can really turn me around.¬† She makes my heart smile ūüôā¬† even when I want to smack her for being right…