Posts Tagged ‘Exhausted’

I cannot do those things

It’s been an exhausting week. Last weekend we flew (first time for Seedling!) to California to celebrate my brother’s graduation from the prestigious Air Force Test Pilot School (there were only 12 pilots in his class. This is a big deal) and while there was lots of fun and awesomeness, there was also a lot of being tired and stressed, because that’s just how things go with extended-family-events. We get back and, of course, Seedling has a little cold. Not a major disease or anything, probably just a big from flying etc. But when she is sick she pretty much wants to nurse, or nap in my lap. Which would be fine except we are supposed to move THIS WEEKEND. Then I had to rush my stupid dog Glen to the vet because he ate trail mix and was vomiting it back up all morning/afternoon and I was starting to worry he had an obstruction because he ate the almonds WHOLE. Twit didn’t chew at all! Thankfully NOT obstructed. Thankfully NOT a giant vet bill. But I got home and felt absolutely claustrophobic. Dishes that need to be put away, piles of laundry to put away, laundry that has been sitting in the dryer since MONDAY. Boxes piled up, some full, most waiting TO be filled. I haven’t been able to properly unpack. I’m eating random junk because I’m exhausted and there is no time or energy for anything else. Pretty sure I’m dehydrated, and I’m certain I haven’t showered since Sunday.

I need help. I can’t do it all. But Hubster has to be at work and school. Friends and family have their own lives to take care of. Even when people offer I just don’t know how to accept the help because I’m that far gone. I called my mom to vent and she tells me “Just take care of Seedling, walk the dogs, eat healthy and sleep as much as you can.” Like that’s the bare minimum to surviving. But you know what? I can’t do all of those things. I can’t. I try so hard to do it all, to pull myself up by my bootstraps. To tell myself to figure it out, to stay strong, be an adult, cowgirl up. But I’m out of steam. There’s no more energy. All I can do is the first thing on that list; take care of seedling. And maybe the dogs. But me? Ya, there’s no time or energy for that. And anyone who tries to tell me I’m a loser, or a failure as a parent can go take a hike because I’m already telling myself that.

I can’t do all these things.

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Can I Call in “Overwhelmed and Pregnant” to Work Tomorrow?

Today was quite the day…. but let me rewind a little bit.

I forgot to mention in my previous posts that I have been on the lookout for impending-labor-symptoms.  Not the stupid-obvious ones that baby websites tell you about, but the subtle ones moms tell you about.  Increased cervical mucus, changes in bowel movements, changes in hunger/thirst/energy.  Things that probably lots of people miss just because they aren’t being aware of themselves.  Sporadically in the last two weeks or so I have been seeing some cervical mucus on the toilet paper.  This has turned into quite the obsession.  It used to be when I got up to pee 50milliontimesanight, I would just go in, in the dark because I hated trying to adjust to glaring lights and then adjusting to pitch black as I stumble back to the bed.  But not anymore.  I turn that light and LOOK at the toilet paper.  Any cervical mucus?  How much?  Consistency?  Any tinges of a bloody show perhaps???

In the beginning of seeing it, I would only see it about once a day, very egg-white in consistency   However Tuesday I found a little glop of it in my underwear (which in all my times of infertility and treatments and TTC I NEVER saw cervical mucus on my underwear -I just didn’t produce that much) and then again I saw some today!  And today, it seems to be changing from egg-white-y to more sticky-“rubber-cement” in consistence, and more than in the last few days.  So… maybe we aren’t *too* far away from progress?

Ok, but back to timeline-style.  Last night I was speaking with my mom when it came up that she had contacted Doula P, both by email and by phone.  Why? Why?! WHY?!?!  To discuss if my mother and/or father could do some kind of “trade” for her services so that Hubster and I wouldn’t have to pull as much money out of savings.  I was literally struck dumb.  I was so caught off guard  WHO DOES THAT?!  Who contacts a person’s business relationships to discuss changing the contract???  And then she goes on about how she wants to contact Hubster’s mother to discuss Hubster’s trust.  WTF?!  I made it pretty dang clear that was NOT ok.  But I was so upset at the time I really didn’t say much of anything.  My mom has done SO MUCH for us, and helped us in a lot of ways, I don’t want her to think we don’t appreciate that.  But I feel so violated and belittled that she would do that!  I couldn’t sleep last night, couldn’t eat breakfast this morning I was so upset.  I contacted my SIL (brother’s wife) to talk about it.  She is really familiar with my mom, and I felt would be a good sounding board in case I was overreacting.  But she encouraged me to write my mom an email (which I have done, just waiting for SIL to get back to me about her thoughts – to make sure I didn’t go overboard) and address this because it is just SO NOT OK.

Then I lost track of time and had to run out the door to make my lactation consultation.  Which went really well, the woman looked at my nipples, discussed some tools to help train my right nipple to be less flat, and showed me how to express my milk (which was totally cool, and also a little gross as the same time.) and said that could also help to train my nipple to be less flat, plus it never hurts to have a little extra Colostrum saved in the freezer!

So home I went, and did dishes, messed around on the laptop, picked up my knitting…. I’m starting to think that my knitting projects just will not be done in time for Christmas.  Thankfully I have some other homemade gifts, but it feels so… inadequate to do just the small things.  But I found a lot of relief in the idea that these could become Birthday presents for later in the year – not that it is an excuse to put it off, but I am just being realistic that Christmas is TUESDAY, and I work tomorrow, Sunday is church… I just really will not have any time to get them done before Christmas.

I also sent an email out to Doula P apologizing for the craziness that is my mother, and asked that if my mom said or did anything to offend her that I am SO VERY SORRY.  I am just so beyond humiliated.  I haven’t heard back from her yet…

(On a side note – I was so distracted and upset by my mom’s violation of trust that I completely forgot to feed the dogs and cats their breakfast until 3pm!)

Oh, and the girl a friend had “highly” recommended I contact about being our nanny? I had called and spoke with her yesterday… first impression on the phone I was not impressed… she called back today and left a message saying she isn’t interested/available/whatever.  Which on one hand is fine. But I spent quite a bit of time researching day cares in my area that would be open extended hours to accommodate my job… 3 out of 4 had a lot of red flags, and the 4th has not returned my contact inquiry.  Feeling a little lot anxious about having any kind of option of returning to work…

Then out again for the updated ultrasound.  Looks like all of Dr.B’s concerns about a “big baby” were unfounded.  She is measuring at 7lbs 4oz.  Yay!  The technician was like “I don’t know what he was talking about.  No 12 pound babies in there!  You’d have to be pregnant for a LOT longer to reach that.”  Seemed like everything was perfectly normal.  Unfortunately I didn’t get any new pictures – the baby is so big on the monitor that it would be like a close up of someone’s face – too difficult to really distinguish what anything was.  And in the time it took for her to do her (very quick!) ultrasound, I felt myself getting hot and then my hearing got dimmed… So having all of Seedling’s 7+pounds on my vena cava was making me faint.  Thank goodness the tech was so fast!  I brought my knees up and rolled over and sipped some water and am now perfectly fine but that was NOT fun.

Got home and had a brief chat with SIL, because she had been talking with my mom a little while ago… turns out my mother CALLED THE HOSPITAL.  I seriously could pull my hair out.  What the hell?!  I am not some 6 year old child who needs someone to hold me hand and double check that I’m doing all my research and homework.  So I’m feeling impatient for SIL to get back to me about the email so I can send that out.

This crap is just not going to fly.

I am so ready for this day to be over.

Posterity

While I have had a ridiculously easy pregnancy, and I am so thrilled and thankful to be pregnant, the last week has alerted me to a few less-then-pleasant parts if pregnancy. I don’t want to come across as “the ungrateful infertile” but really just wanted to describe what is happening for posterity’s sake.

Before I was pregnant, and would hear women describe difficulty putting shoes on and rolling over in bed, I thought it couldn’t be much different from being fat. Struggling with weight my entire life I once topped the scale at 250lbs. However, fat is squishy, so if I needed to press my stomach into the counter so I could reach something, it was irritating but really not a big deal. Babies? Not squishy. And if I do press my stomach against the counter to reach something, she will kick in protest, and then I feel terribly guilty for squishing her! Similarly, when not pregnant but overweight, putting on shoes and rolling over in bed may have been uncomfortable, now there is a decided moment of “if I try to do this, it may hurt”. There is a definite moment when I go to roll over in bed (I can’t do it as one fluid motion, I have to start rolling my hips and then follow with my shoulders. Doing it all at once requires much more effort) that if I start the roll with my hips but don’t follow soon enough with my shoulders, I get an ouchy pinching sensation in my abdomen and back.

The exhaustion has set in.  I wake up tired.  Doesn’t seem to matter how long I sleep.  I could sleep all night and then cat nap all day… hm, that would be glorious.  Obviously, I don’t do that.  I get up, walk the dogs, take a shower , go to work, go to visit friends… but I told Hubster last night that I think that my days off, I’m going to start putting my foot down and making them “do nothing” days. Because as much fun as it is to visit, even “low key” hang-out type visits are really draining   (Remember when I said I wake up tired???)  I’m wishing I had approached my boss sooner about going down to part time, but I know I will survive November, and am very much looking forward to slowing down in December.

My sense of smell seems to have ramped up again.  Which working at a vet clinic? Tons of fun.  The worst is the clients that come in and smell of stale cigarette smoke… I don’t judge them for smoking, but it has made me pretty dang nauseous.  And believe me, there is a difference between just-stepped-out-for-a-quick-smoke-break and I-chain-smoke-all-day-and-never-wash-my-clothes.

Oh the heartburn.  See, I’ve never really been someone who gets heartburn.  It took me about a day to figure out that the pressure in my chest even was heartburn.  It feels like I swallowed a super-large-vitamin and it got stuck in my throat, right around my clavicle.  So I ended up going out and buying two large bottles of Tums.  (side note – saw Midwife N yesterday which went MUCH better, I went in and let her know all these things I’m suddenly dealing with, which are of course all normal, but it made for a slightly longer appointment and made me feel a teensy more connected.  Guess I just have to be more pro-active on the talking front.  Anyway, she said I could also try Prilosec or Zantac so once I get through this work week I may grab one to try)

Finally, I am always hungry.  Even when I eat a normal sized meal, and I’m uncomfortably full, it isn’t long before I’m hungry again.  Trying to watch my food intake to make sure I don’t balloon up in this last stretch is going to be hard.  Stupid brain telling me to eat when I really shouldn’t!

And yes, I really did discuss all these things with Midwife N.  By and large she said it was all completely normal.  She did have some concern over the super-hungry thing, because of course I started this pregnancy heavier, and we’ve been trying to really watch the weight gain.  So it’s more important than ever to be really paying attention to my portions and making sure I’m eating healthy.   (Sorry trick-or-treaters, I’m not even going to tempt myself, we wont be buying or hanging out candy this year!)  We also talked a little about the school of thought to do perineal massage, and she basically said it was a waste of time to try and do it now, and may only make the muscle tougher.  It is most effective when I am in labor, and she said she would do her best to make sure I don’t tear.

Blood pressure, heartbeat all good.  Baby was head down, and Midwife N thinks is should stay that way.  I guess all the movement/fluttering I feel down low must be her hands!  And with her growing, her movements are becoming more obvious to me (And when visiting with Suzy yesterday she even go to feel a little foot wiggling!) which is very reassuring.

So there ya have it.  Not all sunshine and roses, but it really is not nearly as bad as it could be, I know I’m very lucky to be pregnant, and to have such an easy pregnancy.  I just wish I could somehow grant that to all my readers!!!

Tidal Wave

Just what’s been on my mind today:

I’m 25 weeks.  And all I hear anymore (I love how complete strangers at the grocery store feel the need to comment!) is how I’m almost to the third trimester, and when I hit it I wont have ANY energy… and it feels like this tidal wave looming in front of me, because by the time I’m done at work I can barely keep my eyes open to drive home, I can’t imagine being ever MORE tired.

And I know stressing about it wont change anything.  For a receptionist position, I’m on my feet A LOT, and maybe it’s all in my head, but today I felt like my belly was particularly “heavy” and was taking any excuse I could find to sit down…  But I also know that no matter how exhausted I get, I’m going to find some way to keep on pushing through.

And on that note, it’s 4:30pm, I’m going to make some dinner, walk the dogs and go to bed so I can get up and open tomorrow.  Hoping to catch up on blogs and whatnot later in the week!

A Look Into the Insanity Inside My Brain

It seems like the last week or two has been a war of two thoughts.
And it goes a little something like this:
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Stress Mess: Ohmagosh!!! You’re job ends at the end of this month. Ends! This month! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Calmly Content: Stop stressing. Just take this one day at a time.  Apply for jobs, do a little job hunting every day so it doesn’t get overwhelming.

SM: How can you be so naive? You are coming up on 5 months pregnant, and the job market blows. Everything either doesn’t pay enough to live off of, is too physically demanding for you, or you never get a call back.  How are you going to do this, how are you going to survive?! This isn’t just about you, or Hubster, there is a little baby to take care of and provide for!!!

CC: Come on, we have X amount of money in saving, in the trust. You can more than survive for several months without a job if you have to.  If you really tightened the belt, you could survive for more than a year.

SM: Ok, but that money is only going to last so long, and you can’t rely on it! Even if the job market was hot, how realistic is it that you could land a job this far along in your pregnancy? If I was being really honest… I feel that it’s unfair that the pregnant lady has all the responsibility to bring in the income. Seriously, I feel resentful that Hubster isn’t trying to find a full time job.

CC: WHAT?  How can you say that?! He supported you through 8 years of college! He finally has found a career path, something that could become a great career, that could support this family for decades to come! Something that he wouldn’t hate! Remember all the jobs he has hated??? Look, you know plenty of single moms, who had to sustain themselves through pregnancy and beyond. You just need to get your ass in gear and stop whining!  Figure out what you need to do to provide for your family.

SM: Look, I don’t enjoy being resentful. I’m just trying to be honest. I’m so overly emotional with pregnancy hormones. I just need to feel like we are both providing for this family. And yes, Hubster does all kinds of amazing-wonderful-fabulous things… but not only am I supposed to bring in all the moola, but I’m still pulling the majority of the weight in the housekeeping department!  And don’t even get me started that as I’m job hunting, I’m also having to consider whether or not I could bring the baby with me to work, and if not, the idea of trying to research (and pay for!) a childcare option!!! I’m just so exhausted, emotionally and physically. I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat. *crying as I’m typing this* I really just don’t feel like I can do all of this.  I can feel the depression circling in the shadows.  I’ve been off antidepressants for so long, and I can’t go back to it, I just CAN’T! I’m just not strong enough.

CC: Ok, look. At the end of the day, you know this is true: sometimes we have difficulties in life. And you can make a choice to either bear this with joy and humility, or you can be self centered, selfish and give into negative feelings towards your husband – and father of the child inside of you! You just wrote an entire post about Embracing Trials and Tribulations, remember?!?! Stop wasting time and energy on this, and know that God has this all figured out. And ya, it might be really hard, and times may get really lean, but you will survive this.  You know other families with more children and tighter finances, and God is sustaining them.  God will sustain you as well.

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And round and round it goes. I don’t want to be resentful of Hubster, I want to support him.  I want to be strong enough. But I can feel the symptoms of anxiety and depression rising. I’m sure everyone would say “you can do this!” but what if I can’t? What if I’m really not strong enough? Why can’t a woman every just say “I cannot do it all?!?!” without being attacked by well-intentioned-but-ultimately-unhelpful-and-unrealistic-feminism?!?!?! But I also can’t ignore that my conscience is reminding me of my faith and my religious beliefs.

I just need to get to bed, because tomorrow is another busy, emotional day!

Life Just Keeps Piling Up.

What.  A.  Week.

Monday: Oh my, that seems so long ago… all I really remember was that it was a very hectic busy day.  And it started with a customer cussing me out.  He came in to euthanize his cat.  I went in, and as per my usual I try to be very meek and sensitive because I feel it is safe to presume that MOST people are very emotional and upset about coming in.  But the unfortunate thing about it is that there IS a cost associated with a euthanasia.  And if we have never seen the animal before, or if it has been more than a year since we saw the animal, we have to do an exam.  I’m fairly certain it’s a law.  Basically because we have to make sure the animal doesn’t have rabies, or some other highly dangerous and zoonotic disease.  And also because our practice does not practice “convenience euthanasia”.  (When an owner decided that they wish to kill their animal because they no longer want the responsibility of routine ownership, or because they redecorated and it doesn’t match their house anymore…. basically any reason other than a legitimate concern about the animals welfare, pain, and suffering.)  Anyway, he saw the piece of paper I bring in that lists the costs of exam, euthanasia, and the cremation options and flipped. out.  He started yelling at me about how he wasn’t going to pay that much, how dare I make him pay that much etc.  I offered to go and talk with the doctor about discount options (because sometimes we do discount services if the animal is really suffering and the owner is really broke and we just want to be humane) but he refused, grab the cat carrier and stormed out.

Great way to start the day, hu?  He ended up coming back when he realized we have the best prices (duh!) but my boss took him aside and told him that 1-we had since learned he wanted a convenience euthanasia on a young cat with flea allergies.  A fairly simple thing to treat and then prevent.  And 2-the way he treated the employees (namely, me) was unacceptable and if he didn’t leave she was calling the cops.  She had to walk him out the door, the whole time he was yelling “I’m going to call your boss!”  and she’s saying “I am the boss.”  I guess it was kind of hilarious if it wasn’t so upsetting.  He ended up going to a different vet and having the cat euthanized there.  Some people…

The day went from there as a very busy, overloaded schedule kind of day.  I just remember being really exhausted at the end of it.

Hubster and I have been trying to tighten down the budget, and as such we try to plan out meals for the week and go to the grocery store with a very specific list of what we need for those meals.  (As opposed to our normal “I dunno… chicken sound good?  Don’t know what we’ll do with it, but we should get some…” where we end up going back to the store throughout the week to round out a meal, or giving up and ordering take-out.)  Between that, and deciding to participate in the Orthodox Lenten Fast (No, we don’t not-eat for 40 days.  We refrain from certain kinds of food.  This week are giving up meat, and starting next week we also refrain from all animal products and wine.  If you’re a nerd you can check out these links HERE for fasting in general, HERE for Lent specifically.) Anyway, we had planned to make a Chipotle-Butternut squash-Apple soup.  Well, it turns out that the prep work is rather involved, and even though Hubster had the day off he hadn’t given himself enough time to prep is for me, in order to make it that night.  We caved and ordered pizza.

Tuesday: Another blur of a day.  I made a lot of stupid mistakes, and almost cried at work.  We were just overwhelmed with appointments.  I would like to say, after several weeks where we were too light on appointments, and people have been getting sent home early, it’s nice to have a sense of “job security” that we are busy, but it doesn’t exactly help to feel like we are understaffed either.  My boss did an amazing job of rounding out the day with going over the positives, and basically cheering us on and telling us we are awesome.  I got home hoping that Hubster would have at least started making the soup… no dice.  Which made me a bit grumpy  – he had Monday-Wednesday off class and even though I worked a full day I still had to be the one to cook dinner when I came home?!?!  And when I asked him about his day, it sounded like he spent the majority of it napping or watching tv.  Not exactly helping my case of the grumps…

Wednesday: Another crazy day.  I was supposed to be training in the treatment area (I normally am in charge of the “front” – meaning I check in patients, get history, and assist doctors in the rooms.  “Treatment” encompasses running blood-work, urine and fecal samples, either in-house or filling out the proper forms to send it to the lab as well as monitoring hospitalized patients, giving them any medications, assisting the surgery technician if they need something as well as giving all treatments to the regular appointment patients.  This frequently included toenail trims, radiographs [x-rays], drawing blood, clipping-and-cleaning of minor wounds… it’s a very big job.)  But because we were slammed with multiple surgeries and a few emergencies my boss who was doing my rainging got sucked into helping with surgeries and so couldn’t train me… I ended up getting swapped to working the front.  Which made me feel like I SUCK, I thought I wasn’t doing a good job… I finally broke down and cried.  Thankfully one of my wonderful fellow techs assured me I was doing a great job, but my boss just couldn’t train like she wanted, and in order to put patient care first we had to revert to putting everyone where they were the strongest.  Which makes perfect sense, but it all just kind of hit me in a big emotional way.  (I’m currently today on CD 24 – PMS much?)

We also dealt with a frequent client who… well, there is no nice way to say this, but she is a little crazy.  She is constantly coming in thinking something is wrong with her dog, when nothing is wrong with the dog except it is feeding off her stress.  We have run blood-work, taken radiographs, kept the dog all day for monitoring…. nothing has shown up.  It has no clinical signs or symptoms.  But if you try to tell this woman that her dog is fine, she looks at you like you are an idiot, who clearly doesn’t care about her beloved pet.  The only time she is happy is if you can find some teeny tiny abnormality and give her something to “cure” it.  It’s very annoying and takes up time that could be spent on animals who really ARE sick.  I finally mentioned to her at the end of the day (after taking radiographs and monitoring the dog ALL DAY) that since we cannot find what is wrong, we may need to refer her to a specialist.  Which is also annoying.  So far we have not done any unnecessary invasive procedures on this dog, but if she goes to a specialist she is going to force her dog to undergo unnecessary invasive procedures.  It’s really technically not the humane thing to do, but of course I can’t just look this woman in the eye and tell her she is imagining things, that this is all in her head.  She will just go to some other clinic and do this all again.  My only hope is that if a specialist looks at her and tells her that her dog is fine, she will finally believe it.

We also had a surprisingly number of morbid cases.  On a normal day, we may or may not have any euthanasias, at most maybe 2 or 3.  Wednesday we have 5.  And we had a DOA.  A woman had let her small dog out to go to the bathroom, while she used her own restroom… when she came out she witnessed it being attacked by a large dog.  But if that wasn’t enough… her husband had bought her the dog when they lost their son.

I cannot even imagine the pain, hysteria and trauma this woman is going through.  When the dog came in, the tech who had taken over treatment for me was so overwhelmed with death (Since she had to make paw prints in clay of all the previous euthanized animals, fill out the paperwork for their cremations, prepare the bodies for pick up) I could tell she had hit her “wall”, so I volunteered to handle this case.  I think it also felt like a personal case… while I did not lose a child who had been living, this woman and I are connected in some weird ALI way…. it felt important to me to handle this.  Everyone else was like “That’s so sad, what can we do?  What can we say?”  And I just looked at them and said “You guys.  There. Is. Nothing. you can say.”  I am sure this woman knows nothing about me, but all I can hope is that the time I spent making the paw print as perfect as possible, will somehow bring her some miniscule relief from the pain she is currently drowning in.

And then of course the blogosphere has been dealing with Mo’s loss.  I have not really done anything.  In a state of shock myself at the whole situation.  She has been such a great voice in the community.  A poignant and witty blogger herself, I can think of several posts of hers that helped me.  She personally reached out to me when I learned that Hubster had sex with another woman.  I feel so bereft for her to lose this pregnancy.  And yet I have not been able to reach out to her as I would like to.  I just cannot even fathom that this has happened.  It feels like a weird, twisted dream.  I know infertility and loss isn’t fair to anyone, but she has been someone I have been rooting for so strongly.

Throw in the fact that basically the only friend really available to spend any time with is my super-fertile friend Suzy.  Mother to an almost-2-year-old and currently pregnant (the first time they tried).  She is a great friend, but it is also difficult at time to spend so much time with her.  But my other option is being alone and that also sucks.  I’m trying to be a good friend, and help her around the house as she is trying to juggle a little boy who is feeling under the weather as she is having all kinds of food aversions and not feeling her 100%.

Hubster and I had a long talk last night, weighing the pros and cons of more fertility treatments vs adoption.  We have a lot of fears and concerns with both.  He is in school, and if we have a baby before he gets out, we wont have any income.  And we are very aware that there is only so much money left in his trust fund, especially as we currently using it to supplement out single-source-income situation.  that being said, we technically do not have it in the budget to afford fertility treatments.  And that being said, we probably wouldn’t qualify to adopt.  Our credit sucks, our income situation looks crappy (For one of Hubster’s school grants we had to apply, and qualify, for food stamps.  We did.  It’s a rather ridiculous $16 a month, but still.  We qualify.  That can’t look good for applying for adoption.)  If I’m honest, I’m not sure that I’m really ready to give up the experience of pregnancy, as stupid as that sounds.  I want to have morning sickness, and feel the baby kick… I want to give IUI a shot, so that at least I wont ever wonder “what if”.  I have fears about how raising an adopted kid is so much more challenging, as everyone who had ever been adopted keeps telling me.  I worry that if we put this off for another year because of Hubster’s school situation, it’s just one more year to age my ovaries.  In March I turn 27.  And while that’s young in a lot of ways, it’s getting pretty close to the “top of the hill” as far as my reproductive parts are concerned.  Also in March is the anniversary of when our baby would be experiencing their first birthday if we had not lost them.  There is just a lot of emotions pent up in me, and not really anyone in real life to talk to about them.  And with my work schedule I really only have time to get online and update my blog and read other blogs about once, maybe twice a week, and so I have felt less and less support from this community as I just do not have the time to be a part of it.  It’s nobody’s fault but my own, I know that.  But the more isolated I feel, the more drained and exhausted I am… vicious cycle.  I just want someone to sit down with over a warm coffee or tea and chat with about all this.  The closest person I have to do that with is Alex, and as great as she is, she is sadly not super close, so we really can only get together about once a month.  And I can’t ever work anything out with anyone else.

So.  Here I sit.  At 11:31 AM, cozied up in my bed and my laptop just trying to work up the energy to get up, put on real clothes, go over to Suzie’s with a smile on my face and soldier on as the supportive friend.  And then come home and tackle dishes, laundry, and dinner.  And soldier on as the woman-who-can-do-it-all-wife.  So that I can get up and go to work tomorrow and soldier on as the giving-it-110%-vet-tech.  All so that I can drop back into bed exhausted at the end of the day, and hold back tears of exhaustion and emotion as much as I can, at least until I’m alone.

***UPDATED***

Hanging out with Suzy was great.  She is so NOT the “smug pregnant lady”.  She has had other friends besides me deal with miscarriages etc, so she is very aware of how lucky she is.  And she is a great listener when I ended up breaking down and crying about everything.  I still wish I had more ALI friends close by, but it’s always reassuring to remember what a great friend I have in Suzy.

And I came home and told Hubster in no uncertain terms that I could really use his help in making dinners a few nights a week because after a long stressful work day it would be nice to know I don’t have to come home and still cook.  And he was very understandable and agreeable to the idea, although he reminded me that his dinner nights will be simple meals, which is fine with me.

At the intersection of Rock Rd. and Hard Pl.

I have to figure out how to balance the emotions of my job.

I think that it goes without saying that working in veterinary medicine is an emotional field.  Besides the obvious stress of “customer service” (dealing with owners in a variety of emotions themselves from happiness, to anger to depression) it is also straining to see animals suffering, attempt to control fractious critters, and make sure all the medical documentation is correct.  And that’s just in an average clinic.  We are a large, multi-doctor  practice.  So I have a lot of bosses.  Bosses with a variety of opinions on exactly what the medical protocols are, how they like animals to be restrained, what items are to be prioritized… the list goes on and on.  And then  on top of that, is my fellow co-workers, and then my real boss, the hospital administrator (aka manager).  She has her own expectations, priorities etc etc ad nauseum.

And really, truly, I try my best that when I leave work, I leave my work at work.  I love my job.  Really and truly.  But I go through a lot of highs and lows in each shift, and I can’t come home, second guessing everything.  Saturday was a particularly high-emotion day, we had several emergency/walk-in situations and so one of the vet’s got a bit short with me.  I tried my best to keep doing what I needed to do but I was frustrated with myself for not having anticipated what he would have wanted and so I was crying.  When my administrator walked up to me and basically told me that I did a great job, and that the vet was basically overreacting.  She even went on to pull me aside at the end of the day to tell me what a great job I did that day, and that when I went home to not think twice about the incident.

(I cannot believe how lucky I am to have such a wonderful boss.  One who stands up to an angry veterinarian, and goes out of her way to boost her employees instead of waiting until there is a problem and just reprimanding me.)

But the plain fact is, is that I came home.  Dragged myself up the stairs.  Crawled into bed.  And cried.

Not because it was a terrible-awful-no-good-day, but because I was just that tired.

I keep waiting to not be so worn out at the end of a shift.  And in some ways I am a lot less tired.  But, at the same time, I don’t know how much longer I can do a job I care about so much.  But I also don’t know how to not care.  I can’t imagine doing this and being pregnant, or doing this and parenting a small child.

So, how do I care, without caring too much?  If you don’t care enough, you become a crappy technician.  But if you care too much, you become a zombie (aka bitchy wife – just ask my poor husband)

Rock.  Hard place.  Me.