It’s Gonna be a Rough Day

Hubster sent me to bed, determined to let me catch som e sleep son e I return to work today. And the man tried, he really did. I can only assume Seedling is having one helluva growth spurt. It started a few days back, being fussy in the evenings. But it’s slowly
progressed. Tonight it was inconsolable screaming. As in “the zombies are eating my brains, WTF aren’t you people going anything to stop this torture?!?!”

So 3am Hubster came and got me. I hadn’t slept much, hard to ignore those kinds of sounds coming from your child. He looked like he’d been through hell. I sent him to bed and was able to finally console her with nursing. (Which lately nursing had been pissing her off – she’s been preferring the infinitely easier to eat bottle. But this morning? It is apparently the magical love of get life. Whatever works! Right?)

Crying alone I can take – but I can’t shake this anxiety that its more than the “6 week growth spurt”. What if something is wrong? Really wrong? What if there is some underlying health problem, that could prove fatal?

What if I gave birth just to lose another child?

…..

Later today I will return to work. When I think about it as just this one day… It’s not so bad. My mom is going to come over and watch Seedling on Fridays. My mom – for all our issues and drama – has been amazing. She has come and helped me, sometimes at a moments notice, driving out in heavy traffic and heavier rain. I don’t know how we would have survived without her. So long story short – I know Seedling will be in great hands. I don’t worry that something bad will happen. I worry that something good, significant will happen, and I will miss it. That I will miss out on smiles, on her grabbing my finger, on her coos and cuddles. What if I miss her first rolling over, or her first real crawl? What if I miss her first really big, hearty laugh? It’s selfish, is what it boils down to.

So I’m crazy, right? As in, clinically insane. I’m struggling with a child who is displaying and more signs of colic every day, a child who is physically and emotionally exhausting myself and Hubster – yet the thought of being gone brings me to tears.

The hard parts… They are so very hard. But the good parts? Pure fairy magic. I wouldn’t miss out on the good stuff for anything.

But it’s going to be a rough day. Seedling is currently sleeping, drifting off from nursing, nuzzled to my left bosom. She’s one overtired infant. With a penchant for waking up inconsolable. Hubsters plans to give me sleep have failed. Hello sleep deprived mommy. Add on the emotions of returning to work. And, of course, my job isn’t exactly all sunshine and roses – there will be the dick clients that feel the need to take out their issues on me.

And then I get to get up and do it again on Saturday. Because, of course, I’m not just returning to work for one day and calling it quits.

So I get on WordPress. I pour out my worries, my stress, my exhaustion. I rock my now-sleeping babe. I pray for strength and forgiveness. Because its all I know how to do in times like this.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy in me, a sinner.

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7 responses to this post.

  1. Oh man, hang in there Momma! Crying/fussiness peaks for most babies at 6 weeks, so my gut says this is totally normal!! Have you read “Happiest baby on the block”? That book was seriously a life saver for us. Made SO much sense with the concept about the 4th trimester. Stella needed to be TIGHTLY swaddled for a really long time. http://www.happiestbaby.com/colicky-baby/ We also would leave the vaccuum running next to her (no joke!), hold her while bouncing on an exercise ball, etc… that stage is hard for babies (and parents), but you’ll make it through!

    Reply

    • Thanks for the link! I have heard of that book… Along with about a dozen others, and I only have so much time to read them lol! But that link was really helpful, and absolutely worth trying the next few nights!!! Can’t wait to share with Hubster tonight!

      Reply

      • Ya, I am NOT a fan of reading parenting books, but that is one that was recommended to me over and over and over by parents, so it’s one of the two I read. ๐Ÿ™‚ Good luck!

  2. Good luck.
    Thinking of you.

    Reply

  3. How’d it go?

    I second the happiest baby on the block… DH is currently shishing our tightly swaddled LO to sleep. It’s been a lifesaver these past couple of weeks. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply

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