Archive for the ‘Adoption Options’ Category

Rent Drama, Adoption Contemplations, and a Plethora of Pills

Once again, life has run away with me!  It was another week of crazy, overbooked, understaffed days at work, to be followed by crazy days off.

A little backdrop: Last month Hubster went in to pay our rent, but wrote a check that was more than necessary.  He was called by the manager, wanting to confirm that the check was correct.  So he happily went back in with the correct amount, and it was understood that the original check was destroyed.

Friday morning his phone starts beeping because he’s getting e-mails from our bank because our account is suddenly overdrawn.  Turns out, that check wasn’t destroyed, and they deposited it for March’s rent.  This check was roughly $200 more than our rent is supposed to be.  So now our bank is overdrawn, with fees etc.  It might not have been a big deal if they had waited 1 day for me to deposit my paycheck.  (I had planned to turn in rent right after my deposit, so by no means was I late or anything)  After my incredibly stressful work week, I was REALLY looking forward to a chill day off on Friday.  But it was not to be.

I have basically spent the last three days trying to figure this out with the property management company.  Because, of course, they “can’t” just write us a check to refund us the extra amount.  No, no, that would be too easy.  They tried to placate us by telling us that we have a credit on our account for next month.  But that doesn’t really help that we have a very strict budget, and really need that extra $200 for groceries and gas.  So they offer that we can keep the credit AND will get us a $100 gas card.  Ok, fine, we can make that work.  But we were supposed to have said card first thing Saturday morning… and here it is Sunday night and we do not have it.  All because the gal in the office forgot that her boss is off on weekends, and she needs her boss to get the money so she can go buy the gas card.

*facepalm*

In other news: FRIDAY WE MET WITH AN ADOPTION AGENCY.  There is really only one major agency here in the Northwest (based on my rudimentary internet research)  While they have a wide range of reviews, good and bad, for them on a national level, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to just go and get some info.  It was fairly laid back, we met up at a Starbucks and chatted for about an hour and a half, about the adoption timeline and getting questions answered.  While we met to discuss domestic infant adoption, she brought up some interesting points about foster-adopt.  While we haven’t decided to pursue that, it wasn’t really something Hubster or I had seriously considered either.  Since one of the biggest complaints about this agency is how the birth mothers are treated, I tried to ask a lot of questions about that.  What I found impressive is that, while they are a national agency, they do as much regionally as possible.  So, for example, our adoption books would be showed to local birth moms.  There are regular outings/retreats for the birth moms.  By keeping thins on a local scale as much as possible, they are able to make a better commitment to avoid anyone falling through the cracks in the after-care.

I still don’t know where I stand.  I’m doing my best to be open to all the options.  To see where God leads.  In a lot of ways, I want to do it all.  I want to get (and stay) pregnant.  I want to adopt, I know there are so many wonderful children in need of a loving home, and my heart aches for them.  But the idea of taking on an older child (or children, there is a great need for people to open their homes to sibling groups) just seems so much bigger than an infant.

And I can’t even have a pint of ice cream to satiate myself from all the stress with food!  But on the upside?  This morning the scale read 208.5.  More than 40 pounds gone.  Kind of crazy to think about, that I was ever 250 lbs.  But clothes are fitting better, I’m feeling better, so I’m just gonna keep plugging along, trying to eat right.  And I even started taking my vitamins again.  Which includes the Metformin.  Which equals exactly 20 pills every day.
AM: fish oil, multi-vitamin, calcium, metformin, collagen, and herb from my acupuncturist called Suan Zao Ren Tang.  (Supposed to help balance me out so I sleep better – and it actually works!)
Noon and PM: fish oil, multi-vitamin, calcium, metformin, collagen, folic acid, and the SZRT.
But if I’m really going to try and take care of myself, and be open to any option God has planned for us, I figure my pills should probably be taken.

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A Moment of Bliss.

So, in addition to us looking at international adoption, Hubster and I have also decided to get more information on domestic adoption as well.  As Rain pointed out to me outside of blogland, domestic adoption agencies are more varied and flexible in some requirements… and as long as Hubster and I are trying to be open to anything God sends our way, we would be foolish not to consider it.

So, I guess here is everyone’s chance to weigh in, if you know of an agency you (or someone you know) would recommend.

We are just going to keep praying, talking together, talking with our priest, and talking with friends and family.

And doing our best to listen as well 😉

We’ve been having a really wonderful evening.  Hubster had dinner ready for me when I got home (I love that I approached him about helping out with dinner on my workdays – and he DID!!!  What a great guy!) and we’ve had a great conversation as I peruse adoption websites, blogs, and he reads his theology books.  (Yup, my husband, who normally is not an avid reader, has in the last year or so gotten increasingly enthusiastic about reading Orthodox books)  We haven’t turned the TV on, we haven’t even put music on!  Just listened to the crackly fire and enjoyed one-another’s company, and a little down time.

As well as sharing the last bit of chocolate in the house.

Fire in the fireplace.  Dinner ready when I came home.  Quite time spent together.  Chocolate.

Sounds like  perfect Saturday evening to me!

When you can’t decide between two paths, why not try both?

So Hubster and I have come to a place where we can’t decide. Pursue fertility assistance or adoption? And instead of making a hard and fast decision we are kind of trying… Both? And leaving it in God’s hands, if anything or nothing happens.

Way back when, I did a smattering of research about adoption. Domestic vs foreign. Open vs closed. And we tend to have some vague opinions about it all, seeing both pros and cons with every alternative. Along the way I got on a handful of adoption agencies mailer lists, and have never bothered to get off them. One in particular offers a pre-application at no charge. So we can see if we qualify (doubtful) without spending a lot of money just to be denied. We decided in a stroke of enthusiasm last night to “quickly fill it out”.

The thing is all of 6 pages, most of which is “fill in the box” type items. Names, numbers, what country do you want, what approximate things are you looking for in you child such as age range or gender. I thought it would take 30 minutes, tops.

….

I’m an idiot.

There is some tough stuff on there! What disabilities are you comfortable with (if any)? Total assets? (Um, we rent. And living on a single income. That’s not a very impressive number). Then came: Total Debt. Uhhh… Between the credit cards, car loan, student loan, and old medical bills now in a smattering of collections agencies… Well, we couldn’t decide what that number was off the top of our head. But I’m sure that once we do… We’re not going to be looking like such a hot commodity to this adoption agency.

Then there are the health questions. Yes I dealt with depression and anxiety and saw a therapist. And yes, 4 years ago Hubster had 2 seizures – but nothing since then! Oh, and I do wear glasses and had my wisdom teeth and gallbladder out, and Hubster is blind in his left eye. But none of these are things that are current issues or handicaps in our day to day lives! And I don’t even know where to get medical records on some of it, it was so long ago. Do they make you pull out every doctor record you’ve ever had in your whole life???

But I also know that if we try and are denied we will finally have at least some kind of answer, right? I will have a retort for all the tactless acquaintances who throw “just adopt” in my face, right? And if we are approved, then we can start gathering papers and stuff together in case the IUIs don’t work, so we won’t be starting at square 1 of adopting….

Right?

I’m excited and nervous, thrilled and sad all at the same time.

What if the IUIs don’t work AND we are not approved?

That’s the super scary question I just keep trying to avoid in all of this.

I lost my patience… Give me a flippin’ baby already!!!!!

UUUUggggggghhhhhhhhh, I started my period yesterday.  Hello cramping and hormones.  If the pain wasn’t enough, the roller coaster of excessive sadness and rage just makes my day.

Is it still “PMS” if it starts the day my period starts?  Wouldn’t that just make it “MS”?

I don’t know if it’s because of where I’m at in my cycle, but I feel like I got a whole new dose of the baby crazies.

*sad face*

I want a baby.  I want to be trying for a baby.

Oh, and ya’ll remember my friend Khimmy from Colorado?  Well she’s in grad school in San Fran… and apparently she’s thinking she might be, could be, pregnant.  Really?  Seriously?!  Off a flippin’ One Night STAND?!?!

*facepalm*

Although in our text conversation she was doing the whole “what’ll I do if I’m pregnant?” flip-out and I wrote “Adopt it to me?” (because she’s one of the few friends I feel like I could be that blunt and not offend the piss out of her) and apparently she was already thinking that… so now I’m hoping she is pregnant.

Oh how sick is that?

I have some real problems.

On the upside: A few days ago I stepped on the scale and it read 219.5.  That is HUGE, 30lbs gone!!!!  but of course now I’m all bloat-y and eating chocolate so I’m staying away from the scale for another day or two so I can chug back the water and flush it all out.

Oh, and while Saturday and Sunday’s work shift had me hating my life, the last two shifts of Monday and Tuesday went a lot better.  I think part of it was some good chats I had with co-workers, but also my boss was just in a really good mood so it makes a big difference… I think I’m also getting better at “the ropes”.  I guess more I feel like I can survive this job until we have a family.

Which just brings me back to the baby fever.

December feels really far away.

:,(

Happy of the day: I guess it’s a good thing I’m not working because all I really want to do is sit on the couch, snuggled in a blankie with my critters and my hubby and marathon our collection of Friends. Which is exactly what I’m doing.  Whilst catching upon blogs and whatnot.  It’s not a bad day.

Day 42 of 100 Days of Happiness.

Controversy

I’ve been having some thoughts rolling around in my head for a while now about adoption.  Actually, for several months, but I’ve always held my proverbial tongue, because I know they aren’t super “PC”.  They are not the status quo of what most infertility blogs take.  But I figured I might as well put it out there, eh?

I want to preface everything by saying that Hubster and I are open to adoption.  Between the two of us we have a surprising number of people in our lives who are adopted, and adopted during the “dark” days of closed adoptions.  I do NOT believe that people who were adopted should count themselves “lucky”, or that they “dishonor” their A-parents by expressing interest in their B-family/culture.

I also believe in people expressing their emotions, in the importance of being open and honest.  But I also think that at times, we tend to go a bit too far and enable people to be manipulative or wallow in self-pity.

I think that regardless of whether or not you are adopted, you will have some damage from your childhood.  Parents aren’t perfect people, they’re gonna screw up.  I also think that part of being a tween and teen in today’s culture is awkwardness, angst, and rebellion.  We ALL feel like we don’t fit in with our families, like we have nothing in common with them.  We daydream of what life would be life with a different family, different parents.  (And usually this fantasy family is unrealistically perfect compared to the family we currently know)  I look at my biological brother, and we are so different it’s surprising sometimes to think we were raised by the same people, let alone share genetic material.  Hubster and his sister are total opposites.  He is hard working, he doesn’t make excuses, he admits when he has messed up.  His parents made some mistakes throughout his childhood but he works hard to overcome those hangups to the best of his ability.  His sister has really struggled, has a tendency to be lazy and make excuses, and often points to mistakes her parents made as validating her lack of contribution to society.

I guess the bottom line is, I just don’t see how being adopted makes you so incredibly different, or somehow more “damaged” from someone who wasn’t.  (I told you this wasn’t politically correct)

Like I said, we know plenty of people who were adopted.  About half of those folks are stable, strong, independent individuals with careers and families.  Being adopted is a part of who they are but it doesn’t define or consume them.  They are people who made a choice to be content and happy.

Then there is the other half, whose lives are very strongly defined and consumed by the label “adopted”.  They cannot stop wondering “what if I had been raised by my birth family?”  Every bad thing in their life, they point back to adoption as the source of all their problems.  Every bad childhood moment was because they were adopted.

I think there is something to be said for nature vs. nurture.  In my opinion, the people who are going to point fingers and blame would do so regardless of what was in their past, they would find something to blame it on.

I think that at a certain point, you make a decision.  Either to acknowledge that something happened to you that was outside your control and move forward with your life and pursue physical and mental health and contentment; or you choose to not move on, to obsess over “what if” and wallow in pity.

Now, that’s not to say that we don’t all have moments in our life that we get depressed, feel pity for ourselves, wonder “what if”.  Look at the IF community!  There are those of us who, for the most part, continue to have relationships, lives and interests outside of our infertility.  We still think about it, and may have worse days and better days, but generally we are focused on healing and moving forward.  Then there are some who seem to stubbornly refuse to even try to stop the depression and eventually become bitter and miserable.  But really, why would you choose to be continuously unhappy?

For example, there are times (especially certain dates that can trigger these emotions) that I wonder “What if we hadn’t miscarried?  What if we had never even dealt with IF but become parents right away?”  And while I allow myself to feel my feelings, cry etc, I also know I can’t stay in that place.  I don’t want to be miserable.  And I know that as much as I want to be a mother, I also want to be a whole person, because than I stand a better shot of being a good mother.  (Or at least a half-way decent one.)

The same can be said for cancer patients, veterans, people with disabilities or handicaps.  For anyone and everyone who has had something really crappy happen in their lives!  I wish that we could all be in a utopia of cancer-free, infertility-free, healthy, comfortable incomes, raised by biological parents who are perfect and wonderful… but that’s not real life.  Real life has complications and obstacles and is more often than not, unfair. I believe we have to do the best we can with what we’ve got.  And if you occasionally wonder how your life could have been different that’s normal, but I really don’t have a lot of sympathy or patience for people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions, and are just trying to place blame on anyone or anything other than themselves.

I am really sorry if I have offended anyone with this post.  By no means do mean to imply that the issues you have gone through are invalid – my really point though is that EVERYONE has issues.  Sometimes they are very different issues from one person to the next, but we all have them.  So I’m not as much interested in what your issues are, as I am interested in how you handle that issue.

I also think this post may have come across as incredibly uncaring, but really, I care a lot about people.  I have a lot of love for my family and friends and care DEEPLY for them.  I do all sorts of crazy things, go out of my way, to spend time with them and show them I care.

I have a lot of love for you, my readers, my bloggity-blog friends 🙂  As scared as I am to post this, I feel like it’s way past time I put my two cents out there and be honest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy of the day: I started my shift off, just having an off day.  It really sucked.  😦  But by the end of my shift things we clicking and running smoothly.  And we didn’t unintentionally lose any patients!!!  That is definitely something to be happy about in my book.  Day 41 of 100 Days of Happiness.

No! Bad internet, baaaaad!!!!

For my internet access I have a USB drive thing-y from Verizon.  First, let me say that for the most part, I love Verizon.  My husband and I have been on a “family plan” with them since before we were married.  He has been with Verizon for almost a decade now.  We are loyal, and wont be leaving.  However… this USB leaves a lot to be desired.  It is really expensive per month, and within the walls of my house I am lucky to get 1 bar, on rare occasion 2, but never the full 4 bars.  If I leave my house, it works great at other friends houses, so I’m not sure what the problem is.  Anyway, it is slow at my house.  Dial-up slow.  It has been helping me to work on my patience.  And then the other day my laptop slow-mo-ed slipped to the floor, on the side the USB was stuck to… and now the USB is no longer nice and straight, but bent at a 45 degree angle.  It still works… kiiiinda.  It is now even slower than before (I had no idea that was physically possible) and half the time I get an “error/timeout” message when I try to pull a website, especially if I attempt to open more than one window or tab (heaven forbid!).  It probably took 3 minutes just to load my “new post” page.  And when you follow 40 blogs… well, you see my dilemma.  Not only does it take a millenia to open the home page, but if I start attempting to comment… well it makes me want to take the USB drive, walk out to the street, place in the middle of said street, and then run over it.  Repeatedly.  I am trying to find a solution, but my options are thus:

1- go to a friends or a starbucks every time I want to get online. (Let me tell you how thrilled I am with that!)

2-buy a new internet USB.  Refurbished ones are about $70-80.  Brand new they are $150.  I’m already on my second USB (yes, this has happened before… let’s not talk about that.) so not really excited to pay for another one.

3-utilize #1 until I qualify for a new phone upgrade (happening at the end of May) when I can they get something awesome like an iPhone or Droid, and use the phone as my internet hub.  (My current phone is the worlds most basic flip phone so it doesn’t have that capability… after breaking 2 blackberries this was what i got stuck with. … Is there a reoccurring theme here you think?)

We will probably go with #3.  So this is my very sad warning that I will be minimally commenting, updating etc for the month of May.  No ICLW for me this month just out of fairness.  Please be patient with me, I don’t want to lose my blog friends over a stupid-piece-of-*@%#-USB.

Now onto some good things.  *And there was much rejoicing*

Funny story from work this morning.  Central players; me, S (veteran co-worker), J (my supervisor).  You should know that the place that I am working in the morning is where I worked as a temp this winter.  I love working with them because the entire crew is very easygoing and lighthearted.  We tease a lot, and a handful are pretty crafty at innocent pranks (such as hiding each others coffee mugs or soda bottles)

S:That’s one very dirty dog, eh? (pronounced like the canadian “A?”, although she is not from Canada)

Me: Eh?

S: *turns to J* I think she needs to go home.

Me: Because I’m picking on you?

S: Yes.  You are as bad as J.

Me: Why would J fire me if I’m so like her?

S: Becuase people don’t usually like other people who are too like them!

Me: Ya… unless you’re AWE-SOME!!!

*J and I laughed for about 20 minutes as S could not come up with a good comeback*

In other news, I finally heard from one apartment complex that they are willing to make an exception for me and allow our 3 dogs instead of enforcing their usual maximum of two.  They think they may only have a one bedroom available which is not the ideal, but it is nice to have a backup plan if we cannot find a small house to rent or if a 2 bedroom does not become available there.  It also is not in the exact area of Tacoma I was hoping for, but there again, I am just SOOOOO relieved that someone is willing to give us a chance I’m really not complaining.

The more I open up to people that Hubster and I are planning to start the adoption process late summer/fall and see them be excited and supportive, the more excited I get.  J from work was SO incredibly sweet and excited.  I was doing my school’s final externship with her the week I found out we for sure would miscarry, so she has known a little about our infertility struggles (more than my current regular employer does for sure!) it meant a lot to me that she was so wonderful.  I really and truly do not understand how people can oppose adoption.  I don’t really want to go looking on the internet, giving their hateful websites my “view” to increase their statistics, so out of morbid curiosity… how CAN anybody oppose such a wonderful and beautiful thing???  It is just mind boggling, but in preparing myself for all sorts of things I want to be prepared so if I ever do meet such a person I wont be completely caught off guard by their point of view.

Alrighty, I’m pooped.  It’s 7:40 and I’m going to bed, and I don’t care how old that makes me sound.  Tomorrow I’ll be pulling a double shift, one at the VTH (where I am tempting in the mornings for the week) and then also a shift at my regular clinic and then HOPEFULLY will make my first miscarriage support group meeting.  (I missed April’s because I was working)  I’m actually doing ok mentally and emotionally, and my marriage seems to be going a lot smoother than last month, but I know that can change so quickly sometimes, so I’m going to go even though I’m not feeling particularly depressed.  Wish me luck!

3 is a crowd … ?

Ok, this doesn’t really have to do with infertility or adoption but here is what is on my mind.

We have three, very cute and sweet corgis.  They are healthy.  They are housebroken.  And apparently they are unwelcome in a new apartment.

I understand there has to be a limit.  I really do.  But someone, somewhere out there in the greater Tacoma area has to allow 3 small dogs!  3 dogs is not an unheard-of amount of dogs.  At work there are several files that contain 3,4,5 or more pets!

Every place I have talked to, if they allow pets, it is a maximum of 2 per household.  But two Great Danes take up much more space than three Corgis every would.  Sure, we could lie and hope we don’t get caught.  (That is how things currently are with the house we have rented.  The maximum is 3, but we have a total of 5 dogs in the house… it works because management is not on site, and our leasing agent actually basically told us to juts lie on our application so they know, they are just making an exception for us.)  Every time I talk with these 2-max-people, they suggest something like “can’t you have a friend watch one while you live here?”  Um…. ya… sure.  If I was going to be living there for a month.  But a year?  Not so much.  That isn’t dog-sitting, that is re-homing.  And I realize my dogs are not the exact same as people…. but I’m not re-homing them.  Not a single one of them.  Each is much loved, and one in particular is old.  He’s had a rough life, the last thing he needs is to be passed off just because of his age.  The other two are close to us as well.  The “suggestion” is just insensitive, I am especially shocked since the Northwest is much more animal friendly than Colorado is!  All these people have to do is say “yes” or “no” or “our pet policy is ___ number limit and/or ___ weight limit.”

*Banging head on laptop*

On an excited note tomorrow I start my part time assistance at the Veterinary Teaching Hospital.  A prestigious place, I worked for them in a apart time position this winter.  My boss and I were sad when the position ended.  She had emailed me a while back to see if I could fill in for a week and I jumped at the chance.  I was nervous to approach my new boss about it but she agreed to give me the time off (it’s only mornings, I’m still available in the afternoons for my regular job) Yay for going back to a job I know I can do well, with people that are really cool, laid back, and just plain fun!!!

I’m excited that with April’s ICLW I found a number of new adoption blogs to follow; it makes me even more impatient for our move to be over and finalized so we can be moving forward.  Although we are no closer to making a decision about domestic infant vs. international than we were yesterday…  Is there some multiple choice questionnaire out there to help us make a decision?  We plug in our desires, our fears and it pops out a happy answer!  How cool would that be???