Body issues

Pretty sure Seedling is teething. She goes from her normal happy-go-lucky self to hysterical screaming at the drop of a hat. Drooling, hands in mouth, frozen teething rings, nursing 24/7, Tylenol, holistic teething tablets… Such has been my life the last few days. No real end in sight. My heart just breaks for her

Last night was the first time Hubster and I were intimate since Seedling was born. Well… Since about a year ago, actually. Pregnancy sex was just too weird for us, and then the exhaustion of patenting a new baby… We have talked about it quite a bit and agreed we wouldn’t have really high expectations. It’s been so long, my body is changed from childbirth and breastfeeding. Needless to say, we had to pause and giggle a few times. Since I’m nursing my nether regions were quite dry so we had to stop and hunt down lube. Then milk was leaking everywhere so I had to stop and put on a bra with absorbent nursing pads. But the most frustrating thing was that everyone told me after giving birth that “it’s like the Grand Canyon down there”. Um, no. Things were quite snug, uncomfortable… Actually quite painful, particularly along my episiotomy scar.

In talking with some other moms today, it came up that I have not had an exam since my delivery. When I went in for my “6 week post partum” check, the nurse looked at my chart and said “oh, you’re not due for your annual Pap smear. Sorry you came all the way in for nothing” and sent me home. I thought it was odd at the time, but I was also exhausted and hormonal and just eager to go home and sleep more. So no one has checked that I healed correctly, or any of the other bits and baubles that should have been done.

And now I no longer have insurance coverage.

I don’t know why exactly but it all just hit me very strongly this afternoon. I felt like I’d failed something, somehow. Failed myself. Failed my body. Or my body had failed me. There was crying.

I just feel like every time I turn around something is wrong. Of course, it could be that everything is hunky dory and normal. But I don’t know that. Why didn’t I stand up to that nurse? Why didn’t I ask more questions? I’m overwhelmed with questions of “Am I ok? Will our sex be painful forever? How will this affect future childbirth if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again?”

Hubster was very sweet and understanding. Both during the sex, and during my mini panic attack this afternoon. He told me to call a doctor and be seen ASAP, we will just have to pay for the exam, my health is the most important thing.

Several people have told me to go back that doctor and demand a free exam. He was a descent enough guy, the best option with our last minute change during the pregnancy, but I don’t really feel 100% comfortable going back there. I got several great recommendations of other doctors and midwives to choose from. I tried calling today but offices were closed. Guess I know what I’m doing on Monday!

I’m so grateful for the amazing support I have. Dear childhood friends, an amazing local mom group, new friendships I’m forming in my church. I think that’s why I so rarely blog anymore… This space was about needing support that I didn’t have. But now I have so much support. But it’s still comforting to come back here and lay it all out. Like a childhood security blanket.

I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to say. I’m so exhausted and drained. It’s been an emotional day. Sleep is calling. I’m just gonna curl up with my blankie and go night-night.

Pascha and Mother’s Day in Review

Doing this bullet-point style folks because I am in desperate need of a shower and sleep!

-Last Sunday, May 5th, was Pascha.  I meant to write about it, leading up to and on the day of, but life got busy.  The entire week leading up to Pascha is full of services, multiple services a day. Between a baby recovering from being sick, and then car trouble, needless to say I didn’t make all the services, but those I could attend were lovely.  Pascha is the celebration of Christ’s resurrection, his saving work on the cross.  The Western churches call it Easter.  If you’d like a succinct summary of Holy Week and why we call it Pascha you can check it out here.  The Pascha service starts at midnight of Saturday and goes until about 4am on Sunday morning.  Most people hear 4am and think I’m insane.  But when something amazing and beautiful and profound is happening, you don’t realize it’s 4am.  If it was boring or empty, trust me, people wouldn’t go.  Instead, it is the most packed our church ever gets.  The service starts hushed, all lights out, and as the service progresses the priests bring out candles and the light spreads from person to person, then there is a processional out and around the church three times, re-entering into bright and beautiful joy!  Sadly, I think I was dehydrated and about 2am I started feeling really nauseous and with Hubster’s urging I went home.  Seedling was a total trooper, mostly just sleeping in her Ergo up against mommy.

-Pascha afternoon there was a short prayer service, followed by egg hunt and huge potluck.  (Remember, Orthodox have been fasting from meat, oil, wine and dairy all lent so now it’s time for all those amazing foods!) It was really lovely, the weather was perfect, and my dad and stepmom joined us for the potluck.

-Milestones this week: We had taken a hiatus from tummy time as Seedling hated it and really wouldn’t even try to do anything.  But her 4 month visit to the pediatrician brought up the “Is she rolling over?” question.  *sigh* Oops! So back to tummy time.  She doesn’t seem to mind it as much as she used to.  But back to miles stones.  The first day back from the hiatus she squirmed her way backwards util she reached the end of the pack’n'play.  It was like a very slow, reverse army crawl.  The next day?  She rolled over!  Of course, I missed it.  I had put her down, turned to take care of something, came back and said to Hubster “Did she roll over” He looked in and said “No, she’s on her back.” to which I replied “I put her in on her tummy”  ”Oh, well, then yes, she rolled over!” I put her back on her tummy and immediately she rolled back over as if to say “Moooom! I don’t wanna be on my tummy!  Sheesh!”

-However, the last few times I’ve put her down she has not rolled over.  It’s like she forgot how.  Poor thing.

-Mother’s Day.  It was surreal.  People kept coming up and wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day.  A part of me kept wanting to look behind me, assuming they must be talking to someone else.  But nope, it was me.

See, since my first pregnancy… and subsequent loss in 2010 (2010?! Really that long ago?) I’ve felt I was a mom, I just didn’t have my baby in my arms.  Mother’s Day would come and my heart would hurt as everyone forgot about my baby.  They forgot I was a mother.  So, in some ways, I had gotten used to getting overlooked on this holiday.

All week long, in fact, people would wish me a Happy Mother’s Day.  The cashier at the store, the receptionist at the pediatrician.  All these people could clearly see a baby in my arms, spit up on my shoulders, my unwashed hair pulled back in a messy ponytail.  I was clearly a mom.

-After church we went to my mom’s.  Suffice it to say that everyone in the Tulip household kind of woke up cranky so it took a bit of extra effort to go and do the smiling daughter thing.  I had made photo books for both my and Hubster’s mom, but they haven’t come in yet.  So I stopped and got flowers so I had something to give my mom.

-Low point of the day: Hubster had nothing for me.  Not even a stinking card!  All day I kept thinking “well, maybe he will surprise me later”, but nope, nothing.  When we left my moms and I realized nothing was coming I totally broke down crying in the car.  I know he’s gone 17 hours a day and we don’t have a lot of money, but it was the complete lack of effort or thought on a holiday that meant a lot to me.  We had a good talk, he felt terrible.  He knows I kind of hate flowers, (I never know how long I’m supposed to keep them, if I throw them away too early is that an insult to who gave them to me? So then I end up with an ugly mess of dead flowers on my table.) and he kind of hates cards for the same reason of never knowing when is the socially acceptable amount of time to keep before tossing.  And he didn’t want to get me something I’d just throw away. (Although I think I would have kept me first ever Mother’s Day Card!)  But I digress.  Upon returning home he tried to make it up by vacuuming  running a few small errands and doing the dishes.  

-On the way to and from my mom’s, my car died.  Several times.  We’ve had it in the mechanic several times in the last few months… facing the possibility that it may very well be time to replace it.  But we’re not sure what that will look like with money so tight these days.  I’m voting for leasing a new car so I know it is reliable.  Hubster’s not totally on board.  But we still have to see what the mechanic has to say, and what the repair cost(s) will actually look like.  I’m just fed up with the machine.

-Today was a weird day.  The weather was cloudy and cold, to hot and sunny, to fridgid nad windy several times.  I dropped off our application to rent a comparably sized apartment to what we are in now but has a yard, luckily this place is literally right across the street so I could just walk there since my car is less than usable at the moment.  Other than that, I took care of Seedling but really had minimal energy for chores.  There was an abundance of watching tv via Netflix when I wasn’t actively interacting with Seedling.  I usually keep it to a minimum, only when Seedling is in her room napping, but today I was indulging as long as she was contentedly playing in her pack’n'play or something.  Kind of made me feel like a loser mom.  I don’t know if it was the let down of a Mother’s Day, or the weird weather, or something else, or some combination, but all I wanted to do was kind of lay low.  If I could have gotten away with it, today would have been a stay-in-bed-all-day kind of day, but now that I’m a mom that’s not an option.

-Here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day.  I’m off to shower, evening prayers, and then some bed!

Being a Real Girl, pt2

Yesterday was a no good, very bad day. But it all came out good.

It started with me going in to get my dress altered. You know, that blue one I ordered? Ya, well, it was too small. And not just a little that she could let out. 3 to 4 inches to small. Not exactly the confidence boost a 4 month post-delivery mom needs. :/ I promptly returned the dress.

Then I found out that the apartment Hubster and I have been considering moving to is going to cost more than originally quoted. It’s a long story, but it just left me grumpy and frazzled.

And THEN I went to pick up our local produce box (similar to a CSA) at a community center. The woman behind the counter proceeded to argue that the box had been left FOR THE COMMUNITY CENTER and I was like “No, it has MY NAME on it!”

Grrrr….

I did some dress hunting online. Everything I liked wasn’t at a local store for me to try on. Until I checked out David’s Bridal. Sure, I’m not going to a wedding, but I need a nice dress in a plus size that isn’t going to cost an arm and a leg.

Then my mom showed up to babysit so I could go meet some old coworkers for dinner at Red Robin. It totally saved the day. I had a drink with alcohol in it. We laughed and joked and talked about what everyone is up to. There was even discussion of our various favorite vampire novels, I came home with some interesting titles to look up (if I ever have the time hahaha). It was just so refreshing to get out and have adult conversation.

The fun continued today, I went to have brunch with a different old coworker from a different job. She’s 38 weeks pregnant, and it was so cool to think back to just 5 months ago when I was all super pregnant. What I had assumed would happen, and how it all turned out so differently. We met at a bakery and indulged in donut-y goodness. (After dinner last night and donuts today, I swear its salad and water tomorrow!). Seedling was uncharacteristically good for the hour drive, mostly sleeping. It was a nice respite from her usual screaming. She woke up at the bakery, smiling and cooing and being very sweet. With her sleeping on the way back I decided to run by the local David’s and try on a dress I had seen online I liked. We got the right size, it was comfortable, in my price range, and we would be able to just get it in time for my trip. So I placed my order. Lookie at pictures! (They only had a black to try on so you can’t appreciate the draping detailing… I ordered it in dark blue…)

Obviously must find a bra that doesn’t cover my entire upper back… Lol. Oh the glamor of a nursing bra…

On a Seedling Milestone note: today while changing her diaper, she reached for… and grabbed her foot!!!! She has reached lots, but this was the first time she’s gotten a hold of one! The photo is blurry, but it was the best I could get in the moment:

Ladybug Fun!

Well it’s 2am and Seedling has decided it’s time to be AWAKE. So while I slowly walk in circles around my tiny apartment trying to rock her back to sleep, I figured the blog was overdue for an update. A few milestones we have hit here recently:
-seedling is 4 1/2 months old
-She is becoming more coordinated at reaching/grabbing/batting/pulling things. We have a dangling toy that plays music when you pull on it. Hubs yet or I have always been the ones to make it go, but this weekend she pulled hard enough to make it go herself!
-she’s generally losing interest in laying in her back to play, but doesn’t have the strength to sit unaided. Even with the boppy, or in her high chair with toys on the food tray, she can only last so long. The cool thing about high chair playtime is that she can watch me get chores done, and during mealtime we can still all be together even though Seedling isn’t eating solids yet.
-Thursday last week was the first time she’s shown interest of food. I had her on my knee while eating lentil soup at a church supper, and she was very much following the spoon!
-she is wearing 6-9 month tops, and 9+ month pants. Have I mentioned she’s always above average on the growth charts in height?
-she’s sucking her thumb. This has been going in for a little while now, but she’s much more coordinated at getting that digit in her mouth and keeping it there. She will chew on her other fingers as well, and drool… I’m just waiting for a tooth to pop up one of these days!
-all over her upper respiratory/eye infection/ear infection as far as I can tell. Yippee!
-much like her mom: hates the heat. We hit upper 80′s/possibly the 90′s today and she was miserable. Had to blot her with a cool damp cloth just so she could nurse. She’s living in just a onesie. We have every fan going and window open. It’s gonna be a long summer…

And now for some adorable ness that is high chair play time with her Eric Carl ladybug!

Sickeroo

Last Friday Seedling started acting extra fussy, had a very mild fever (98.9 taken in the armpit) and started having a cough with clear discharge from the nose. It seemed to run it’s course over the weekend, and everything seemed on the mend come Monday. However it hung around through Tuesday and flared up on Wednesday. Now the snot was green, there were eye goobers, and she was rubbing at her ears. Oh, and did I mention that Tuesday my car decided to stop working? So Thursday my mom called in sick to her job so she could take us into Seedling’s pediatrician.

Diagnosis: Double ear infection. Eye infection.
And did I mention Seedling shared her cold with me? Sore throat, stuffed nose, pressure in ears… I don’t have insurance, but at least Seedling got seen.

We technically see an RN, not a Phd, so that means we generally get more time, and better chance of discussing various options. While there are some important differences between human medicine and veterinary medicine, the principals are still the same, so I tend to do different research and ask different questions about what our options are than the average parent. I love that our pediatrician is open to merging eastern and western medicines.

I know the benefits of medicine. But I also know the side effects. And the side effects are real. Real things to know and be concerned about. I also know there are limits to medicine, science and doctors. That the truth is we barely scratch the surface in our understanding of how the human body works.

There is a lot of sensational media out there. And it’s important to keep in mind who’s benefiting from it. Who’s making money. Because no matter how noble their intentions are, they have to pay to keep the lights on, you know? Research studies are not cheap. Creating new medicines is not cheap. Getting your medical education is not cheap. The rise in physical, mental and emotional disabilities is mind boggling. Everyone wants to know why. In my humble opinion, it’s not just one simple answer. I think it is a mix of “nature” and “nurture”. I think we have the knowledge to diagnose a lot more, I think we are exposed to a lot more chemicals and drugs, and I think we as parents need to take it all seriously. We also have to do what we are comfortable with, knowing that no matter what we choose, there is a trade off.

Take vaccines for example. A HOTLY contested issue. Some people give every vaccine, some give none. And everyone wants to judge those who don’t do what they do as bad parents being ignorant or paranoid. For myself? We are doing a delayed vaccine schedule. The body can really only respond to so many assaults at once, this way Seedling’s body has a chance to really do that. We also spread out her exposure to aluminum this way. Anything with human DNA we are delaying anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. New research coming out shows that it is possible for foreign DNA to actually change the DNA of the person. Kind of scary stuff, because we have no knowledge of what that means. And yes, we can’t forget the fact that some people feel that some vaccines may have played a role in causing their child to express autism. Before people start getting all riled up let me say this: I DON’T BELIEVE VACCINES CAUSE AUTISM. However, if there was an underlying something making a person prone to autism, I do think that some vaccines could trigger something in the body making it express something that was already there. Of course, some people will have autism regardless of vaccines.

Anyway, all that to say, I wanted to know about my options for treating the ear infection. As I was a child with seriously chronic ear infections, I know it’s likely in Seedling’s future. Our pediatrician also told me that when a kid gets their first ear infection before the age of 4 months, they have a higher risk or chronic ear infections. I also know I don’t want to just put her on antibiotics chronically. Some studies show that at best, antibiotics don’t do much for ear infections, and at worse have been linked with the expression of autism. But googling holistic or alternative therapies comes up with an overwhelming load, much of which sounds like bullsh!t. However, in talking with some other moms who utilize holistic therapies, I was given some good information. I know that garlic and onions and ginger are all common therapies when people are sick. Of course, Seedling is too little to eat them. (But I’m loading up on it!) But I did learn about some holistic ear drops that would help alleviate her discomfort. Some drops to help heal the infection. And a book with sound advice on holistic medicine. So what are we doing? Since she has been sick a week, we are giving the antibiotics, but we are also giving the ear drops. A two pronged approach, as it were. I know enough about alternative therapies to know that it’s not all voodoo, but you have to be discerning and take the time to research the product. I think the reason why most medical professionals are so skeptical is simply because they have no knowledge. Their schooling is grueling and intense and the schools simply don’t have the time to cover it.

So that’s where we are at. Looking at a weekend of comfy clothes, tea and homemade soup.

updated:::
I just want to be clear. I have half a dozen friends with children who are autistic. Those kids are beautiful, wonderful people and I don’t think their parents or anyone else is “to blame” or caused it. I think there is a lot of things medicine and science don’t understand. We do the best we can with the information at hand. There is a lot of research going going on in the field of autism. Maybe we will look back one day to find the answers are completely unexpected. Regardless, the bottom line is that people who are autistic (or have Down’s syndrome or ADHD or any other medical diagnosis) are important and valuable, deserving of love and understanding.

Infertility Awareness

It’s infertility awareness week. I knew it was coming. And planned a nice, long, informational post. In my head. But Seedling is sick (just runny nose/cough/low grade fever) and so her sleeping and eating is all wonky. And now I’m getting sick (so proud of my girl for wanting to share! ) so this will be brief.

Yes, we miraculously and unexpectedly got pregnant. But we still had 2 and a half years of trying, tests, interventions and a baby lost. I have no idea what our future holds for more kids. I know I want them. God willing.

I don’t hide our history. But I also try to not bring it up at times it doesn’t fit. If the topic comes up, I tell the truth. I don’t have feelings of shame or embarrassment. I having sad feelings. Feelings of loss and feeling lost. Feelings of camaraderie from the lifeline this online community has been.

My infertility journey has changed me. My faith, my marriage, my life. There were some intensely dark times… Giving in to the dark times is easy. Looking for a few rats of sunshine, a silver lining, some semblance of hope – it’s hard. I’m so thankful for the therapists, the support of special family and friends.

Infertility is a part of me, of my past. And it may be ahead of me in my future. But I know it isn’t my entirety. And on that note, I’m going to snuggle my daughter. She may be sick and cranky, but she’s my daughter, a little person I spent countless hours praying, hoping, wishing for. Who I love immensely.

Insanity

I finally understand what happened to all parents everywhere to make them crazy. See, I’ve been staunchly anti-crazy when it come to talking to things that don’t talk back.

Most everyone agrees talking to plants? Crazy. Talking to your pets? Crazy (socially acceptable, but still a little crazy). So I’ve never done it! However, with Seedling I have to work really hard to talk to her. Tell her about the plans for the day. Narrate what I am doing, as I do it. Review all we’ve done that day.

Sample conversation: “Seedling, today we are going to visit Suzy. Isn’t that exciting? (No response) I know you’re excited, her babies will be there, aren’t you looking forward to playing with them?! (No response) Oh, and now I’m just going to pour myself some almond milk. See? I am just over here by the fridge, now I’m opening the door, now I’m pouring… Be careful you don’t spill! But if you do spill, that’s ok, we can clean it up (no response….)”

And she will smile or frown, giggle or coo, spit bubble or spit up. But it’s not like she really talks back. I can feel myself slipping into craziness as this is getting more and more second nature. I’m more or less talking to myself. Like a crazy person. But it’s totally worth it for the precious, adorable, bouncing baby girl.

I just needed to acknowledge it. The little things that change when you become a parent!