Posts Tagged ‘Medling Mother’

Can I Call in “Overwhelmed and Pregnant” to Work Tomorrow?

Today was quite the day…. but let me rewind a little bit.

I forgot to mention in my previous posts that I have been on the lookout for impending-labor-symptoms.  Not the stupid-obvious ones that baby websites tell you about, but the subtle ones moms tell you about.  Increased cervical mucus, changes in bowel movements, changes in hunger/thirst/energy.  Things that probably lots of people miss just because they aren’t being aware of themselves.  Sporadically in the last two weeks or so I have been seeing some cervical mucus on the toilet paper.  This has turned into quite the obsession.  It used to be when I got up to pee 50milliontimesanight, I would just go in, in the dark because I hated trying to adjust to glaring lights and then adjusting to pitch black as I stumble back to the bed.  But not anymore.  I turn that light and LOOK at the toilet paper.  Any cervical mucus?  How much?  Consistency?  Any tinges of a bloody show perhaps???

In the beginning of seeing it, I would only see it about once a day, very egg-white in consistency   However Tuesday I found a little glop of it in my underwear (which in all my times of infertility and treatments and TTC I NEVER saw cervical mucus on my underwear -I just didn’t produce that much) and then again I saw some today!  And today, it seems to be changing from egg-white-y to more sticky-“rubber-cement” in consistence, and more than in the last few days.  So… maybe we aren’t *too* far away from progress?

Ok, but back to timeline-style.  Last night I was speaking with my mom when it came up that she had contacted Doula P, both by email and by phone.  Why? Why?! WHY?!?!  To discuss if my mother and/or father could do some kind of “trade” for her services so that Hubster and I wouldn’t have to pull as much money out of savings.  I was literally struck dumb.  I was so caught off guard  WHO DOES THAT?!  Who contacts a person’s business relationships to discuss changing the contract???  And then she goes on about how she wants to contact Hubster’s mother to discuss Hubster’s trust.  WTF?!  I made it pretty dang clear that was NOT ok.  But I was so upset at the time I really didn’t say much of anything.  My mom has done SO MUCH for us, and helped us in a lot of ways, I don’t want her to think we don’t appreciate that.  But I feel so violated and belittled that she would do that!  I couldn’t sleep last night, couldn’t eat breakfast this morning I was so upset.  I contacted my SIL (brother’s wife) to talk about it.  She is really familiar with my mom, and I felt would be a good sounding board in case I was overreacting.  But she encouraged me to write my mom an email (which I have done, just waiting for SIL to get back to me about her thoughts – to make sure I didn’t go overboard) and address this because it is just SO NOT OK.

Then I lost track of time and had to run out the door to make my lactation consultation.  Which went really well, the woman looked at my nipples, discussed some tools to help train my right nipple to be less flat, and showed me how to express my milk (which was totally cool, and also a little gross as the same time.) and said that could also help to train my nipple to be less flat, plus it never hurts to have a little extra Colostrum saved in the freezer!

So home I went, and did dishes, messed around on the laptop, picked up my knitting…. I’m starting to think that my knitting projects just will not be done in time for Christmas.  Thankfully I have some other homemade gifts, but it feels so… inadequate to do just the small things.  But I found a lot of relief in the idea that these could become Birthday presents for later in the year – not that it is an excuse to put it off, but I am just being realistic that Christmas is TUESDAY, and I work tomorrow, Sunday is church… I just really will not have any time to get them done before Christmas.

I also sent an email out to Doula P apologizing for the craziness that is my mother, and asked that if my mom said or did anything to offend her that I am SO VERY SORRY.  I am just so beyond humiliated.  I haven’t heard back from her yet…

(On a side note – I was so distracted and upset by my mom’s violation of trust that I completely forgot to feed the dogs and cats their breakfast until 3pm!)

Oh, and the girl a friend had “highly” recommended I contact about being our nanny? I had called and spoke with her yesterday… first impression on the phone I was not impressed… she called back today and left a message saying she isn’t interested/available/whatever.  Which on one hand is fine. But I spent quite a bit of time researching day cares in my area that would be open extended hours to accommodate my job… 3 out of 4 had a lot of red flags, and the 4th has not returned my contact inquiry.  Feeling a little lot anxious about having any kind of option of returning to work…

Then out again for the updated ultrasound.  Looks like all of Dr.B’s concerns about a “big baby” were unfounded.  She is measuring at 7lbs 4oz.  Yay!  The technician was like “I don’t know what he was talking about.  No 12 pound babies in there!  You’d have to be pregnant for a LOT longer to reach that.”  Seemed like everything was perfectly normal.  Unfortunately I didn’t get any new pictures – the baby is so big on the monitor that it would be like a close up of someone’s face – too difficult to really distinguish what anything was.  And in the time it took for her to do her (very quick!) ultrasound, I felt myself getting hot and then my hearing got dimmed… So having all of Seedling’s 7+pounds on my vena cava was making me faint.  Thank goodness the tech was so fast!  I brought my knees up and rolled over and sipped some water and am now perfectly fine but that was NOT fun.

Got home and had a brief chat with SIL, because she had been talking with my mom a little while ago… turns out my mother CALLED THE HOSPITAL.  I seriously could pull my hair out.  What the hell?!  I am not some 6 year old child who needs someone to hold me hand and double check that I’m doing all my research and homework.  So I’m feeling impatient for SIL to get back to me about the email so I can send that out.

This crap is just not going to fly.

I am so ready for this day to be over.

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Weekend Wonder

Saturday:

Got up, went and nannied my first shift.  It went fairly smoothly, and I’m feeling optimistic this will be a good thing.  I now just need to find a part time internship… and sign up for my certification board exam this fall.  Ugh… and study for said exam.

Got home, and prepped for my first dinner party in the new place.  K, D and their son come over, and my mom ended up coming too.  That was a tad frustrating… She had texted me earlier in the day that she would be in town and wanted to see me.  This week has been fairly busy, so I haven’t answered any of her calls, so I felt it was important to make contact.  So I immediately texted her back, asking what time she would be free.  I didn’t hear anything until noon when she said she wanted to stop by with lunch.  I called her and explained I had to be at work in an hour.  She was really upset (like it was my fault I wasn’t free?)  and then asked if we would skip church Sunday to see her.  Well, since this was the first Sunday since Hubster has been back, it was important to both of us to be at church, so I didn’t want to do that.  I explained that if she had replied to my text when I sent it, and told me she wanted to do lunch, I could have planned on it and met up a little early.  She started to get all worked up and defensive and I made a decision.  I had three choices, either to fit her in on Saturday, skip Church on Sunday, or blow her off all together.  And while I really make a point to stick to my boundaries, I also know that my mom is in her mid 50’s.  She’s not likely to make major changes to her personality at this point.  So at some point there has to be a compromise.  So I sucked up my pride and invited her to join the dinner party.  For the most part it turned out fairly well, my mom brought a side dish and dessert.  I think the thing is, is that most people would probably find my mom slightly rude and a little funny in her quirkiness.  But if you take all my pet peeves and put it on a list… that would be my mom.  She enhabits most of my pet peeves, so she gets under my skin.  And so her assuming that I was just available, and to top it off she brought along a movie (read: did not ask, just assumed) and while it ended up being a decent movie, it was a drama and that’s just not my thing.  Plus, again it was assumed that we would sit and watch it after dinner.  Technically, she “asks” but the way she does it, it’s a “leading” question and you know if you turn her down she’s going to pout and pull a guilt trip.

But like I said, trying to find a compromise.

You know, plenty of people have problems with their parents.  Certainly my brother and his wife have issues with both my parents.  But here is the thing; they tried their best, had great intentions, truly loved us, and are wonderfully flawed people.  Nobody is perfect!  Sure, I can look at things my parents did and say “I never want to do that”, and maybe I wont ever do that, but it just means I’m going to mess my kids up in some other way.

I would rather focus on where we are going, in our future relationship, than continue being miserable about a past neither of us can change.

And yes, I feel that applies to all my relationships, even the one I have with Hubster.

Saturday’s Happy: Watching K and D’s little boy M play with the kitten.  Be still my beating heart ovaries.  Some day I will have a little one playing all my critters.

Day 28 of 100 Days of Happiness.

So then today was Sunday:

We went to church, and I found myself feeling frustrated and agitated.  As much as I have been struggling with loneliness, the fact is I went 2 months basically alone.  And now I have this person who is around.  All. The. Time.  Feeling a tad… smothered.  I haven’t had any “me” time!  Time alone.  To read, or watch TV, or catch up on my blogs.  Just unwind and recharge.  So when I tried to explain this kindly to Hubster he got really defensive and angry.  It was the entire cycle of me trying to be honest, him getting up and shutting down, and me feeling like I never should have said anything.  Thankfully after about an hour of arguing he had a light bulb moment and saw what was happening.  Because it’s not about HIM, it could be anyone and I would be tired of spending 24 hours a day straight with them.

But I do think we need to get in with our counselor next week….

Because here’s the other thing.  I remember a lot of similar feelings (feeling smothered, and feeling awkward when romantic scenarios arise) last year after we spent a month and a half apart.  I mean, the more I think about it the more I feel like I really am mostly over the situation that happened.  Or at least as much as I am going to be for a long time.  So probably most of my awkwardness at this point is just the fact that we are having to relearn how to live together, after living alone.  Sure it sucked, but I had figured out how to survive alone.  Now I have to figure out how to be “married” again.  Because I’m so independent… independent to a fault.   I don’t remember how to share my life to the degree it takes when you’re married.

Now I am being distracted by a rather cute and fuzzy li’l kitten.  So I better go 🙂

Happy of the day: watching the season finale of True Blood.  Ok, it was bitter sweet since it was the FINALE and now I have to wait nine whole months for the next season… but I loved every every minute!  Although it was a rough episode character-deaths wise.  😦  *SPOILER ALERT* Jesus and Tara, you will be missed.  But it was really good to see you Grams!

Day 29 of 100 Days of Happiness.

Clearing the Air

So I did get a call from my SIL today.  Turns out it was a rather big misunderstanding, all thanks goes to my mother for that.

A’s friends threw her the shower.  It was all of 8 people, all friends from Louisiana.  She didn’t invite anyone from out of a 4 mile radius.  My mother’s implication that she had been invited was completely inaccurate, A simply mentioned in passing that her friends were throwing her the shower.  My mother telling me that the reason I wasn’t invited was probably either because of my finances or because of my infertility were absolutely unfounded, and rather belittling of my lifestyle.  And the skype sessions? This is a new phenomenon, my mom has skyped with them twice in the last month or so, and this is all the skyping she has ever done with them.  Part of it is that my mom never tried to skype with them before, but the other thing is my nephew is 22 months old, and shockingly has a hard time sitting still in front of a computer that doesn’t have a dancing El.mo on it.

Anyway, A was pretty peeved with the whole situation, and my mom in particular.  I did tell her that I had assumed she was trying to be sensitive about my infertility struggles, but that I don’t want her walking on eggshells around me, and she assured me she would never intentionally leave me out of something because of our infertility.  It is of course up to me to accept or decline any invitations, and I appreciate that.

On the upside, Hubster is back in Colorado, and is just waiting on the paycheck from this last fire, and then will be driving out.  So it should be between a week and two weeks.  Yay!

And A encouraged me to pursue getting help for my depression.  So when I go to see the weight loss clinic, I will ask if they can prescribe something, or recommend a psychiatrist who can.  Because I need to get out of the chronic depression and STAY out of it.

So I guess the plan is: get the depression under control, get the weight under control, get a job, get my husband back, get pregnant, have a baby, live happily ever after.  Should be that easy, right?

Happy of the Day: Getting a firm plan of when Hubster will be HERE!!!!!!!!

Day 20 of 100 Days of Happiness