Posts Tagged ‘Feelings’

The Birth Class

Trying to gather my thoughts… and I know that no matter what I write, it will not and can not encompass this last weekend.  Just a heads up: This WILL be a long post.  Sorry, no way to do this succinctly.

We signed up for this birth class at the recommendation of our midwife.  I went on the website, and to be honest, it’s not super specific on what to expect.  (But in hind sight, there is not way to!)  But I figured that if it was what my midwife has recommended, it’s what we should do.  To be honest, I was a little unsure if it would be too hippy-dippy-mother-earth-spiritualism for me.  But we did it.  From all the reviews I could find and read, about the class or the woman who taught it (who is something of a big deal in the doula community) everything was glowing and raving.

This is the doula (Doula P) I had contacted early on in my pregnancy when I was hoping to hire a doula, but Hubster looked at the cost and his fiscally responsible side won out, thinking we really didn’t need one.  And so I had dropped it (Disappointed, but it’s hard to argue with the cold hard truth of working in an already tight budget).

Saturday arrives, and we head to the address with water bottle, snacks, lunch, pillows, blankets, yoga mat, comfy clothes…  And arrive to this wonderfully cozy room.  We meet the other couples (total of 5 couples in our class), fill out a little survey, go around and introduce ourselves.  The initial survey, both Hubster and I completed separately and then compared answers.  It was encouraging to see how similar we were on our answers (there was not “right” or “wrong”, just our opinions on the birth process).  Doula P walked us through some of the basics of a baby’s descent, and how important head position is for determining ease or difficulty of labor.  This lead to various movements and exercises we could do to try and encourage the baby to turn or adjust, as well as pain relief options such as counter-pressure, aromatherapy, touch etc.  It was surprising to me that my tall, strong husband was usually too gentle!  I felt bad having to say “You can press harder there!” but I’m also sure he didn’t want to hurt me or the baby.  It was very sweet and tender.  Then Doula P had us working on intentional relaxation, where we laid down and focused on relaxing individual muscle groups.  This lead into time for the two of us to just lay with our arms around each other, looking into the other’s eyes.  (Keeping in mind that this ENTIRE time, she is weaving in stories from her own experience and her student’s experiences!)  Two stories that really stood out to me:

-When discussing the pain of childbirth, she made the statement that labor and birth is not the worst pain.  She asked for us to guess what was.  People would throw out things like “broken bones” etc, and finally she told the story of a previous apprentice who had waited until her husband and she had “all their ducks in a row” – the house, the car, the careers.  Only to find out she had very aggressive breast cancer.  She will never have children, and has very limited time left.  It was a particularly powerful story for me because of my past and because I know SO MANY women still struggling with infertility.  That would give anything, pay anything, do anything to be pregnant and experience labor.  No matter the physical pain, it doesn’t compare to the emotional and psychological pain of desiring children and not being able to have them.  I can’t express how poignant it was to me to have her acknowledge those who are child free NOT by their own choice.

-A couple who came to her to be their doula because the husband was in the military, and he would be deployed when the baby was due.  The day after they took the birth class with her, he shipped out.  A few days before the baby was due, the wife answered the door to his officers and chaplain.  He would never come home (oh man, I’m crying just trying to write this out) and again – to think that he would give anything to see his child, and she would have given anything for him to come home.  Their last weekend was spent focusing on the love they had for each other and for their unborn child.  Even though Hubster is no longer serving a fire department, the fact is there could be an accident; you never know when something could possibly happen to make your last goodbye you’re very last.

The common thread throughout the weekend was a very strong recognition of gratitude.  That we have to recognize the amazing blessings we have.  It meant so much to me, because I have all along felt so incredibly grateful for this pregnancy.  Not just the pregnancy, but how healthy it has been!  I just SO deeply resonated with Doula P.

We watched a little video that showed a woman in labor and delivery, along with computer graphics of what is happening inside the uterus, specifically with the cervical effacement and dilation.  It even showed her delivering the placenta.  Sure, it’s not very pretty, but it’s what happens!  (I feel I should mention we did this during lunch lol)

… Even as I write this, and I try to think of what order everything happened in and I can’t!  Everything has been colored by emotions, so that my logical, ordered side of my brain can’t keep track because emotional side of my brain has it organized differently  …

At some point I remember us all sitting around in a circle and Doula P handed out (at random) various birth scenarios (actually, they were previous student’s real birth stories) and basically told us “What if this was the birth card you were handed?” – making us acknowledge that some things are outside of our control no matter how detailed a birth plan we put together.  Of course, the one we got?  Emergency cesarean section.  My worst fear.  But, ok, Hubster and I read through the description and had to figure out how we would handle that.  And you know what?  We actually came up with some game plan ideas.  Because we can’t predict that, we can’t say “For sure and certain, we won’t go there.”  Just like with infertility, we have to find a way to live with whatever we get dealt by my body.  Everyone’s paper was different, so we went around and talked about the various possibilities and how each couple would handle it.  But the amazing thing for me was to realize that if we do end up in the OR, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.  (Although I’m going to do everything in my power to get this baby out vaginally!)

Then came time for the “Ice Journey”… only it wasn’t us women who went through the labor simulation.  It was the men who donned blindfolds, and had to endure holding ice over and over, longer and longer, with various music/sounds/smells – some meant to bring comfort, some meant to simulate unhelpful staff… It was so eye opening to be the one in the man’s shoes.  To watch him be in pain and know I can’t help.  Doula P would give us direction at times to come and offer comfort (hugging, back massage, breathing with him) and other times have to step back and leave him alone – but the fact is there will be times that there is just nothing Hubster will be able to do to help me (because let’s be honest, ice is just not the same as labor) Each “contraction” Doula P would weave a story, a concept, a thought into it directing both the men and us to the different kind of thoughts and experiences one has in labor.  The easier contractions, the more difficult, the more psychological….

I think the hardest point was watching him as Doula P simulated the more “stereotypical” woman in labor, screaming and crying and angry that her partner isn’t “fixing” the pain.

I kinda lost it.  Oh the tears.  I just felt so guilty – that my husband would have to stand and feel helpless, that his heart would be breaking to see me in pain and not be able to fix it.  And I knew that when the time came – I didn’t want to be that angry, bitchy woman saying mean things to her husband.  Because I know that Hubster will do everything in his power to be there, to help and that he does love me.  And of course – that is the whole point.  We walked a mile in each other’s shoes.  And I KNOW it absolutely changed the way we are going to approach our labor.  Hubster has had a lot to say about his side of the that experience…  At the end we all guessed how long the ice journey had gone on for.  Most people were guessing just shy of an hour.  However it was 2 and a half hours. 

We went home that night just wrung out.  Hubster and I sat on the couch trying to unpack the day.  We went to bed and usually we will lay and talk for a bit before drifting off to sleep, but we really held each other and snuggled through the night.  Very tender and intimate.

Sunday dawned and we headed back for our second day.  I couldn’t imagine how we would top Saturday!  Sunday we started by reviewing movements/positions (and the reasons for each) for labor… and this is when Hubster admitted he was a little scared.  It’s a lot to remember!  And to think he will have to remember and teach Jewel during the labor?

He started pretty seriously rethinking having a doula… because the other thing that had been coming to light (since Doula P has worked with basically EVERYONE in our area, including our midwife, other midwives, hospitals etc…) was that our midwife would be pretty hands-off during my labor.  I know I’ve written before about my concerns that we haven’t really “clicked” with Midwife N, and that I’ve been frustrated with her brief visits, and that when I express concerns she tends to wave them off and tell me “everything will be just fine”, and doesn’t really discuss details of her protocols or our birth plan…  The more I started asking Doula P and the other students, the more Hubster and I realized that midwife N may not really be the best fit…  But so we talked a little bit throughout Sunday about the idea of hiring a Doula.  We got through the exercises, and then Doula P had a friend who does massage speak a little more about using massage techniques to aid in pain relief.

We discussed various medical interventions, why they are performed, their pros and cons.  (there was a video here too, yay lunch time!)  It’s not to say that interventions don’t have a time and place – they certainly do!- but it’s pretty scary what some of the side effects, and even long term effects those interventions can have that doctors don’t really talk about.  Sometimes it’s worth it to have patience with ourselves and make sure we really NEED an intervention before we just casually sign up for something.  Even though I knew I wanted to avoid unnecessary interventions, I still learned quite a bit.

…. I feel like there is stuff I’m forgetting.  I know we spent quite a bit of time talking through questions people still had, touching on water birth, placenta encapsulation (we are the ONLY species that doesn’t consume the placenta, even herbivores eat the placenta, there are a long list of reasons that it is consumed, to help balance hormones, protein boost etc… So since it would be gross to just eat it like a wild animal, there are people out there that will steam/dehydrate/powder it and put it into capsules you can take like vitamins.)

Eventually we got to the women’s turn of the ice journey.  We donned our blindfolds and waited as Doula P spoke with the guys in the hall.  And waited.  And waited.  Because, you know, a big part of labor is waiting!  It was interesting… I have a history of panic attacks.  It usually starts with a little vertigo, then progresses to numb hands, and eventually I’m hyperventilating in the shower (because the shower is the only non-medication I have found to be helpful – and a big part of why having a water birth is SO important to me.)  Anyway, so sitting with a blindfold on, I felt myself having a little bit of vertigo… and then I realized I was about to put my hands in ice which would probably make my hands feel numb… and I realized there was a good possibility I was about to have a panic attack.  And I realized I had two options.
Option one: take the blindfold off and tell them I couldn’t do the labor simulation.
Option two: take a deep breath, put my big girl panties on, and realize that if I have a panic attack while in labor I can’t just “take the blindfold off” and walk away.  I thought of all the people out there that would give anything to be in my shoes, pregnant, at a birth class, preparing for labor.  I thought of my little girl who will need me to be strong for her – not just to deliver her, but for the rest of her life.

I went with option two.  And you know what?  When the simulation started, and we were told to pick up the ice for the first “contraction” and start doing things (sit, stand, walk with guidance/trust walk, do some of the labor movements like a lunge or hip roll) I totally lost the vertigo/panicky sensation.

There was one “contraction” where she simulated the baby being in distress, slamming doors and barking orders of “left side” and “right side” and throwing out dropping heart rates…  And all I could think was “I don’t want to be the reason we lose this baby too” which brought up a huge slop bucket of EMOTIONS.  (Cue  super-intense-snotty-nosed-sobbing)  But in processing it, I realized several things:
1-I had no idea how much the success or failure of this pregnancy was connected to my feelings about the previous pregnancy.  Hurray for self-awareness.
2-It is NOT fair to myself to put that kind of pressure on me.  It is NOT my fault that we miscarried.
3-Having a successful pregnancy and delivery of this child does NOT bring back my first baby.  It only gives me THIS baby.  So this pregnancy and this delivery is about Seedling.  It is not about my Bleeding Tulip.

Some people might have thought that was crossing a line, but I feel it was huge in recognizing a possible real life scenario, but being able to process it in a safe space so that if I find myself in that ACTUAL scenario, I am prepared.  I am prepared to listen to the staff and focus on Seedling.  And yes, probably still cry, but I don’t think it will be as hysterical.

…So many other experiences, Doula P talked about contraction interruptions,  all the women giving birth all over the world, and remote villages in Africa where women labor and give birth completely alone…

For the final “contraction” Doula P had us think of a mantra, something to think and focus on.  Suggesting things like “I believe in my body”, and while I can see how lots of women would click with something like that, the one that came to my mind was “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – because God is so much bigger than just my faith in my body (as much as I do have a lot of faith in my body).  And plunged both hands into the ice.

As the night before, the whole Ice Journey was 2 and a half hours.  But it felt like time had gone so much faster than that.  Hubster was amazing, so supportive and helpful, loving, tender, encouraging.

The class ended with everyone debriefing (as much as we could!) and I am very excited that we are keeping in touch with a facebook group (huzzah for technology!) and am very much looking forward to our reunion after everyone has their babies.  These are people who I had never met before, but we went through this big, emotional, vulnerable adventure and came out connected.

And before we left the class we pulled Doula P aside to let her know we can’t imagine moving forward with our birth plan without her…  But that, and the following meeting where we went over our birth plan and contract etc etc will be for another post.  Because I am SO THRILLED to have her as our doula, and am so excited about all the decisions we have made about that.

So, “to be continued…”


A Look Into the Insanity Inside My Brain

It seems like the last week or two has been a war of two thoughts.
And it goes a little something like this:

Stress Mess: Ohmagosh!!! You’re job ends at the end of this month. Ends! This month! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Calmly Content: Stop stressing. Just take this one day at a time.  Apply for jobs, do a little job hunting every day so it doesn’t get overwhelming.

SM: How can you be so naive? You are coming up on 5 months pregnant, and the job market blows. Everything either doesn’t pay enough to live off of, is too physically demanding for you, or you never get a call back.  How are you going to do this, how are you going to survive?! This isn’t just about you, or Hubster, there is a little baby to take care of and provide for!!!

CC: Come on, we have X amount of money in saving, in the trust. You can more than survive for several months without a job if you have to.  If you really tightened the belt, you could survive for more than a year.

SM: Ok, but that money is only going to last so long, and you can’t rely on it! Even if the job market was hot, how realistic is it that you could land a job this far along in your pregnancy? If I was being really honest… I feel that it’s unfair that the pregnant lady has all the responsibility to bring in the income. Seriously, I feel resentful that Hubster isn’t trying to find a full time job.

CC: WHAT?  How can you say that?! He supported you through 8 years of college! He finally has found a career path, something that could become a great career, that could support this family for decades to come! Something that he wouldn’t hate! Remember all the jobs he has hated??? Look, you know plenty of single moms, who had to sustain themselves through pregnancy and beyond. You just need to get your ass in gear and stop whining!  Figure out what you need to do to provide for your family.

SM: Look, I don’t enjoy being resentful. I’m just trying to be honest. I’m so overly emotional with pregnancy hormones. I just need to feel like we are both providing for this family. And yes, Hubster does all kinds of amazing-wonderful-fabulous things… but not only am I supposed to bring in all the moola, but I’m still pulling the majority of the weight in the housekeeping department!  And don’t even get me started that as I’m job hunting, I’m also having to consider whether or not I could bring the baby with me to work, and if not, the idea of trying to research (and pay for!) a childcare option!!! I’m just so exhausted, emotionally and physically. I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat. *crying as I’m typing this* I really just don’t feel like I can do all of this.  I can feel the depression circling in the shadows.  I’ve been off antidepressants for so long, and I can’t go back to it, I just CAN’T! I’m just not strong enough.

CC: Ok, look. At the end of the day, you know this is true: sometimes we have difficulties in life. And you can make a choice to either bear this with joy and humility, or you can be self centered, selfish and give into negative feelings towards your husband – and father of the child inside of you! You just wrote an entire post about Embracing Trials and Tribulations, remember?!?! Stop wasting time and energy on this, and know that God has this all figured out. And ya, it might be really hard, and times may get really lean, but you will survive this.  You know other families with more children and tighter finances, and God is sustaining them.  God will sustain you as well.

And round and round it goes. I don’t want to be resentful of Hubster, I want to support him.  I want to be strong enough. But I can feel the symptoms of anxiety and depression rising. I’m sure everyone would say “you can do this!” but what if I can’t? What if I’m really not strong enough? Why can’t a woman every just say “I cannot do it all?!?!” without being attacked by well-intentioned-but-ultimately-unhelpful-and-unrealistic-feminism?!?!?! But I also can’t ignore that my conscience is reminding me of my faith and my religious beliefs.

I just need to get to bed, because tomorrow is another busy, emotional day!

First day on the job

Hey ladies.

Well, first day on the job was GREAT.  I fit right in, was laughing and joking with everyone on the staff (including the head vet!), it felt like I had worked there forever, not just one day!  I really have a good feeling about this job.  Surprisingly, for a “day practice”, it wasn’t just a bunch of boring vaccine appointments, we had all sorts of interesting and even emergency cases come in today, which tells me that I wont be getting bored anytime soon!

As promised, here is a (crappy) picture of me this morning in my new scrubs (sadly Hubster was already gone for his job, so it’s just me a la the bathroom mirror)

I was having SUCH  a great day I even had this thought.  And yes, I know I know, it’s blaspheme, but it was just a fleeting thought.  I swear.

In 90 days my insurance kicks in. So when insurance kicks in, we get back to trying for a baby.  Assuming it happens right away (I know, I can hear y’all laughing, but run with me here) that means that after 9 months of pregnancy, I will only be at this job for 1 year before I will leave for maternity leave.  And… well… this job is so cool… I don’t know that I want to be out of there in one year!

I know, I KNOW, totally blasphemous.

But then I checked my email tonight, and in there was some pictures of my new niece.  And while normally I get all gooey at baby pictures, this time though… I felt all snarky and bitter.  Which tells me I’m probably feeling a bit jealous of my SIL.  Which means I really DO want a baby.

The problem is I WANT a lot of things.  I want a happy, fulfilling job.  And as far as I can tell, I can finally check that off my list.  I want a horse… Where I work is a much more rural area, and some of my co-workers ride.  A shot of someone riding on horseback on TV or in a movie can cause me to well up.  I basically do my best to close my eyes and cover my ears and sing LALALALA when horses pop up because it’s such an emotional connection for me.  But I also really want a baby, a family.  And I guess I just don’t see how I can really pursue both horses and kids at the same time.  Like I said, I’ve done a really good job the last couple years keeping focused on babies and ignoring horses, but it’s kind of more in my face now and I’m having to really face what I will really have to sacrifice to have a family, which includes time away from a really fabulous job.

It’s a weird head-space to be in.

I’m going to go wash my face, finish my Slee.pytime Vanilla tea (I’ve been hunting for this tea for several weeks and FINALLY found it tonight!  Yay!) and try to just go to bed without overthinking everything to the point of tears… but I also can’t deny the possibility.

There is this voice in my head that wants to smack me and tell me to just be happy.

What is wrong with me???????????????????????????????????

I lost my patience… Give me a flippin’ baby already!!!!!

UUUUggggggghhhhhhhhh, I started my period yesterday.  Hello cramping and hormones.  If the pain wasn’t enough, the roller coaster of excessive sadness and rage just makes my day.

Is it still “PMS” if it starts the day my period starts?  Wouldn’t that just make it “MS”?

I don’t know if it’s because of where I’m at in my cycle, but I feel like I got a whole new dose of the baby crazies.

*sad face*

I want a baby.  I want to be trying for a baby.

Oh, and ya’ll remember my friend Khimmy from Colorado?  Well she’s in grad school in San Fran… and apparently she’s thinking she might be, could be, pregnant.  Really?  Seriously?!  Off a flippin’ One Night STAND?!?!


Although in our text conversation she was doing the whole “what’ll I do if I’m pregnant?” flip-out and I wrote “Adopt it to me?” (because she’s one of the few friends I feel like I could be that blunt and not offend the piss out of her) and apparently she was already thinking that… so now I’m hoping she is pregnant.

Oh how sick is that?

I have some real problems.

On the upside: A few days ago I stepped on the scale and it read 219.5.  That is HUGE, 30lbs gone!!!!  but of course now I’m all bloat-y and eating chocolate so I’m staying away from the scale for another day or two so I can chug back the water and flush it all out.

Oh, and while Saturday and Sunday’s work shift had me hating my life, the last two shifts of Monday and Tuesday went a lot better.  I think part of it was some good chats I had with co-workers, but also my boss was just in a really good mood so it makes a big difference… I think I’m also getting better at “the ropes”.  I guess more I feel like I can survive this job until we have a family.

Which just brings me back to the baby fever.

December feels really far away.


Happy of the day: I guess it’s a good thing I’m not working because all I really want to do is sit on the couch, snuggled in a blankie with my critters and my hubby and marathon our collection of Friends. Which is exactly what I’m doing.  Whilst catching upon blogs and whatnot.  It’s not a bad day.

Day 42 of 100 Days of Happiness.

The Importance of Diction

First and foremost:

I am once again completely overwhelmed by your love and support (and righteous anger!) on my behalf.

I don’t know how I would get through all this without the amazing outlet and resource that blogging is, specifically blogging with all of YOU guys.  Of course we “blog for ourselves”, but it wouldn’t be the same without you gals.

Well, Rain really had a great point about getting out and clearing my head.  As it turns out we already had plans that evening to spend with K and D (who I’ve decided to dub Suzy and Professor).  Suzy and I watched Sta.rgate, and Professor and Hubster went air-softing with a big bunch of guys. It gave both of us some very much needed distraction, followed by conversation with friends.  So that we were able to have something of a conversation when we got back home.

As it turns out, I may have misunderstood something he said.  And he may have not used the best word choices.

For some reason he thought he was going to get his results that day (which I knew wouldn’t happen…) but so he was upset that not only did he not get any results that day, but results could be months out.  He was angry at himself for the situation he had put himself in, and scared.  (as many of you pointed out could very well be the case that he was angry and scared) And he was upset about realizing this puts us back over 3 months in a lot of things, including our plans for a family.  (He  cried last night about wanting a family)  His push for protected sex was about him not wanting to potentially pass anything onto me or to a child.  He just really really sucked at expressing all that in the heat of the moment. (And for the record: he never said he wanted to have sex with anyone else, that was my anger taking the situation and running with it)

While I was angry at his craptastic wording, I have to acknowledge that I was having anger from my own frustration and disappointment.  I mean, hellooOOoo, he has technically had sex the most recently.  I have not had sex in months.  Horny and sexually frustrated is definitely ME.  I have been impatient to have sex, and while I didn’t see us jumping right into sex and TTC, I also didn’t see it getting pushed out 3 months.  OF COURSE, we both wont do anything that could put (or any potential children) in danger.

In an attempt to try and figure out what we could be dealing with, he did have a conversation with the woman he slept with. (I think I’ll be calling her Jezebel from now on)  Turns out she was tested about 6 months back,(all was clear) and as we were at one time really close (I might have called her a best friend…) I know a lot about her sex life.  And if I am recalling correctly, in the last 6 months she has had two other sex partners besides my husband.  One was a man who was in a long-term committed relationship, who has a very good likelihood of being clean.  (And he was more than 3 months ago if memory is serving me right)  The other was a friend of Hubster’s (don’t even get me started on how weird this whole thing is), who was tested himself a few months back and everything came back clean.   I’ve been trying to get a hold of Jezebel today, and basically feel that if she can go and get tested for HIV in the next few weeks, (and it comes back clean) than we would be comfortable feeling that we would be in the clear. (And thus be able to allow the physicality to progress at a natural pace)

Looking forward to counseling tomorrow.  Hoping we can make some similar headway to our last session.

Happy of Today:  This afternoon we met up with Suzy and some of her friends at a local park that has a plethora of blueberry bushes, and picked a whole lot of free fruit.  It was actually great to get out, get some fresh air, and do something that was care-free and fun.  And has lead to a couple of blueberry-peach pies cooling as I type this.

Day 32 of 100 Days of Happiness.

Weekend Wonder


Got up, went and nannied my first shift.  It went fairly smoothly, and I’m feeling optimistic this will be a good thing.  I now just need to find a part time internship… and sign up for my certification board exam this fall.  Ugh… and study for said exam.

Got home, and prepped for my first dinner party in the new place.  K, D and their son come over, and my mom ended up coming too.  That was a tad frustrating… She had texted me earlier in the day that she would be in town and wanted to see me.  This week has been fairly busy, so I haven’t answered any of her calls, so I felt it was important to make contact.  So I immediately texted her back, asking what time she would be free.  I didn’t hear anything until noon when she said she wanted to stop by with lunch.  I called her and explained I had to be at work in an hour.  She was really upset (like it was my fault I wasn’t free?)  and then asked if we would skip church Sunday to see her.  Well, since this was the first Sunday since Hubster has been back, it was important to both of us to be at church, so I didn’t want to do that.  I explained that if she had replied to my text when I sent it, and told me she wanted to do lunch, I could have planned on it and met up a little early.  She started to get all worked up and defensive and I made a decision.  I had three choices, either to fit her in on Saturday, skip Church on Sunday, or blow her off all together.  And while I really make a point to stick to my boundaries, I also know that my mom is in her mid 50’s.  She’s not likely to make major changes to her personality at this point.  So at some point there has to be a compromise.  So I sucked up my pride and invited her to join the dinner party.  For the most part it turned out fairly well, my mom brought a side dish and dessert.  I think the thing is, is that most people would probably find my mom slightly rude and a little funny in her quirkiness.  But if you take all my pet peeves and put it on a list… that would be my mom.  She enhabits most of my pet peeves, so she gets under my skin.  And so her assuming that I was just available, and to top it off she brought along a movie (read: did not ask, just assumed) and while it ended up being a decent movie, it was a drama and that’s just not my thing.  Plus, again it was assumed that we would sit and watch it after dinner.  Technically, she “asks” but the way she does it, it’s a “leading” question and you know if you turn her down she’s going to pout and pull a guilt trip.

But like I said, trying to find a compromise.

You know, plenty of people have problems with their parents.  Certainly my brother and his wife have issues with both my parents.  But here is the thing; they tried their best, had great intentions, truly loved us, and are wonderfully flawed people.  Nobody is perfect!  Sure, I can look at things my parents did and say “I never want to do that”, and maybe I wont ever do that, but it just means I’m going to mess my kids up in some other way.

I would rather focus on where we are going, in our future relationship, than continue being miserable about a past neither of us can change.

And yes, I feel that applies to all my relationships, even the one I have with Hubster.

Saturday’s Happy: Watching K and D’s little boy M play with the kitten.  Be still my beating heart ovaries.  Some day I will have a little one playing all my critters.

Day 28 of 100 Days of Happiness.

So then today was Sunday:

We went to church, and I found myself feeling frustrated and agitated.  As much as I have been struggling with loneliness, the fact is I went 2 months basically alone.  And now I have this person who is around.  All. The. Time.  Feeling a tad… smothered.  I haven’t had any “me” time!  Time alone.  To read, or watch TV, or catch up on my blogs.  Just unwind and recharge.  So when I tried to explain this kindly to Hubster he got really defensive and angry.  It was the entire cycle of me trying to be honest, him getting up and shutting down, and me feeling like I never should have said anything.  Thankfully after about an hour of arguing he had a light bulb moment and saw what was happening.  Because it’s not about HIM, it could be anyone and I would be tired of spending 24 hours a day straight with them.

But I do think we need to get in with our counselor next week….

Because here’s the other thing.  I remember a lot of similar feelings (feeling smothered, and feeling awkward when romantic scenarios arise) last year after we spent a month and a half apart.  I mean, the more I think about it the more I feel like I really am mostly over the situation that happened.  Or at least as much as I am going to be for a long time.  So probably most of my awkwardness at this point is just the fact that we are having to relearn how to live together, after living alone.  Sure it sucked, but I had figured out how to survive alone.  Now I have to figure out how to be “married” again.  Because I’m so independent… independent to a fault.   I don’t remember how to share my life to the degree it takes when you’re married.

Now I am being distracted by a rather cute and fuzzy li’l kitten.  So I better go 🙂

Happy of the day: watching the season finale of True Blood.  Ok, it was bitter sweet since it was the FINALE and now I have to wait nine whole months for the next season… but I loved every every minute!  Although it was a rough episode character-deaths wise.  😦  *SPOILER ALERT* Jesus and Tara, you will be missed.  But it was really good to see you Grams!

Day 29 of 100 Days of Happiness.

Me vs. The World

I realized that perhaps it’s possible I’ve been a tad defensive lately. I mean, we have tried to be intentional and only tell people that we thought would be supportive and sensitive. And for the most part, that is true. There is probably only one or two people really “pushing” for us to work this out. Most people have been impressively neutral, encouraging me to focus on what I am feeling, what I want, what I need. But strangely enough, I feel like (and this may totally be in my head, I admit) bit it seems like general society-at-large would tell me to give up and leave. All you have to do is thumb through popular music, movies, the latest celebrity gossip. If my life was a sitcom, I would be the bumbling idiot, getting treated like a doormat.

And, ok, I don’t want that. One of my biggest fears in all this actually isn’t that we won’t be able to stay together, but instead is that I will be too accommodating, a doormat, etc.

I feel like the world would look at this and say “Why did you take him back? What makes you think you can trust him?” and I don’t know that I have a lot of “society approving” answers. So I feel like there is this pressure to have a lot if logical and reasonable answers.

But the fact is that relationships are not usually logical and reasonable unless you’re talking about a business relationship. Why am I friends with Polly, a person SO different from myself? Because I AM! I love her, she’s like a sister to me. So why do I feel so much pressure to justify my decisions about where my marriage goes when I don’t try to justify my other relationships?

Of course the really stupid thing is that I DON’T have to justify it to the world. Really there are only a few folks who I have told that seem to fall more towards the “leave him like any smart woman would”, but even then they haven’t exactly said that.

So I know a lot of you have told me to just feel what I feel, basically telling me to stop over-analyzing everything. And I promise, I’m gonna start doing that.

Or, I’m gonna try.

Really hard.

Gold star for effort?

Now comes the big question: to clean, or not to clean? The apartment looks like a bomb went off…