Posts Tagged ‘Conversations’

Can I Call in “Overwhelmed and Pregnant” to Work Tomorrow?

Today was quite the day…. but let me rewind a little bit.

I forgot to mention in my previous posts that I have been on the lookout for impending-labor-symptoms.  Not the stupid-obvious ones that baby websites tell you about, but the subtle ones moms tell you about.  Increased cervical mucus, changes in bowel movements, changes in hunger/thirst/energy.  Things that probably lots of people miss just because they aren’t being aware of themselves.  Sporadically in the last two weeks or so I have been seeing some cervical mucus on the toilet paper.  This has turned into quite the obsession.  It used to be when I got up to pee 50milliontimesanight, I would just go in, in the dark because I hated trying to adjust to glaring lights and then adjusting to pitch black as I stumble back to the bed.  But not anymore.  I turn that light and LOOK at the toilet paper.  Any cervical mucus?  How much?  Consistency?  Any tinges of a bloody show perhaps???

In the beginning of seeing it, I would only see it about once a day, very egg-white in consistency   However Tuesday I found a little glop of it in my underwear (which in all my times of infertility and treatments and TTC I NEVER saw cervical mucus on my underwear -I just didn’t produce that much) and then again I saw some today!  And today, it seems to be changing from egg-white-y to more sticky-“rubber-cement” in consistence, and more than in the last few days.  So… maybe we aren’t *too* far away from progress?

Ok, but back to timeline-style.  Last night I was speaking with my mom when it came up that she had contacted Doula P, both by email and by phone.  Why? Why?! WHY?!?!  To discuss if my mother and/or father could do some kind of “trade” for her services so that Hubster and I wouldn’t have to pull as much money out of savings.  I was literally struck dumb.  I was so caught off guard  WHO DOES THAT?!  Who contacts a person’s business relationships to discuss changing the contract???  And then she goes on about how she wants to contact Hubster’s mother to discuss Hubster’s trust.  WTF?!  I made it pretty dang clear that was NOT ok.  But I was so upset at the time I really didn’t say much of anything.  My mom has done SO MUCH for us, and helped us in a lot of ways, I don’t want her to think we don’t appreciate that.  But I feel so violated and belittled that she would do that!  I couldn’t sleep last night, couldn’t eat breakfast this morning I was so upset.  I contacted my SIL (brother’s wife) to talk about it.  She is really familiar with my mom, and I felt would be a good sounding board in case I was overreacting.  But she encouraged me to write my mom an email (which I have done, just waiting for SIL to get back to me about her thoughts – to make sure I didn’t go overboard) and address this because it is just SO NOT OK.

Then I lost track of time and had to run out the door to make my lactation consultation.  Which went really well, the woman looked at my nipples, discussed some tools to help train my right nipple to be less flat, and showed me how to express my milk (which was totally cool, and also a little gross as the same time.) and said that could also help to train my nipple to be less flat, plus it never hurts to have a little extra Colostrum saved in the freezer!

So home I went, and did dishes, messed around on the laptop, picked up my knitting…. I’m starting to think that my knitting projects just will not be done in time for Christmas.  Thankfully I have some other homemade gifts, but it feels so… inadequate to do just the small things.  But I found a lot of relief in the idea that these could become Birthday presents for later in the year – not that it is an excuse to put it off, but I am just being realistic that Christmas is TUESDAY, and I work tomorrow, Sunday is church… I just really will not have any time to get them done before Christmas.

I also sent an email out to Doula P apologizing for the craziness that is my mother, and asked that if my mom said or did anything to offend her that I am SO VERY SORRY.  I am just so beyond humiliated.  I haven’t heard back from her yet…

(On a side note – I was so distracted and upset by my mom’s violation of trust that I completely forgot to feed the dogs and cats their breakfast until 3pm!)

Oh, and the girl a friend had “highly” recommended I contact about being our nanny? I had called and spoke with her yesterday… first impression on the phone I was not impressed… she called back today and left a message saying she isn’t interested/available/whatever.  Which on one hand is fine. But I spent quite a bit of time researching day cares in my area that would be open extended hours to accommodate my job… 3 out of 4 had a lot of red flags, and the 4th has not returned my contact inquiry.  Feeling a little lot anxious about having any kind of option of returning to work…

Then out again for the updated ultrasound.  Looks like all of Dr.B’s concerns about a “big baby” were unfounded.  She is measuring at 7lbs 4oz.  Yay!  The technician was like “I don’t know what he was talking about.  No 12 pound babies in there!  You’d have to be pregnant for a LOT longer to reach that.”  Seemed like everything was perfectly normal.  Unfortunately I didn’t get any new pictures – the baby is so big on the monitor that it would be like a close up of someone’s face – too difficult to really distinguish what anything was.  And in the time it took for her to do her (very quick!) ultrasound, I felt myself getting hot and then my hearing got dimmed… So having all of Seedling’s 7+pounds on my vena cava was making me faint.  Thank goodness the tech was so fast!  I brought my knees up and rolled over and sipped some water and am now perfectly fine but that was NOT fun.

Got home and had a brief chat with SIL, because she had been talking with my mom a little while ago… turns out my mother CALLED THE HOSPITAL.  I seriously could pull my hair out.  What the hell?!  I am not some 6 year old child who needs someone to hold me hand and double check that I’m doing all my research and homework.  So I’m feeling impatient for SIL to get back to me about the email so I can send that out.

This crap is just not going to fly.

I am so ready for this day to be over.

Advertisements

A Moment of Bliss.

So, in addition to us looking at international adoption, Hubster and I have also decided to get more information on domestic adoption as well.  As Rain pointed out to me outside of blogland, domestic adoption agencies are more varied and flexible in some requirements… and as long as Hubster and I are trying to be open to anything God sends our way, we would be foolish not to consider it.

So, I guess here is everyone’s chance to weigh in, if you know of an agency you (or someone you know) would recommend.

We are just going to keep praying, talking together, talking with our priest, and talking with friends and family.

And doing our best to listen as well 😉

We’ve been having a really wonderful evening.  Hubster had dinner ready for me when I got home (I love that I approached him about helping out with dinner on my workdays – and he DID!!!  What a great guy!) and we’ve had a great conversation as I peruse adoption websites, blogs, and he reads his theology books.  (Yup, my husband, who normally is not an avid reader, has in the last year or so gotten increasingly enthusiastic about reading Orthodox books)  We haven’t turned the TV on, we haven’t even put music on!  Just listened to the crackly fire and enjoyed one-another’s company, and a little down time.

As well as sharing the last bit of chocolate in the house.

Fire in the fireplace.  Dinner ready when I came home.  Quite time spent together.  Chocolate.

Sounds like  perfect Saturday evening to me!

Life Just Keeps Piling Up.

What.  A.  Week.

Monday: Oh my, that seems so long ago… all I really remember was that it was a very hectic busy day.  And it started with a customer cussing me out.  He came in to euthanize his cat.  I went in, and as per my usual I try to be very meek and sensitive because I feel it is safe to presume that MOST people are very emotional and upset about coming in.  But the unfortunate thing about it is that there IS a cost associated with a euthanasia.  And if we have never seen the animal before, or if it has been more than a year since we saw the animal, we have to do an exam.  I’m fairly certain it’s a law.  Basically because we have to make sure the animal doesn’t have rabies, or some other highly dangerous and zoonotic disease.  And also because our practice does not practice “convenience euthanasia”.  (When an owner decided that they wish to kill their animal because they no longer want the responsibility of routine ownership, or because they redecorated and it doesn’t match their house anymore…. basically any reason other than a legitimate concern about the animals welfare, pain, and suffering.)  Anyway, he saw the piece of paper I bring in that lists the costs of exam, euthanasia, and the cremation options and flipped. out.  He started yelling at me about how he wasn’t going to pay that much, how dare I make him pay that much etc.  I offered to go and talk with the doctor about discount options (because sometimes we do discount services if the animal is really suffering and the owner is really broke and we just want to be humane) but he refused, grab the cat carrier and stormed out.

Great way to start the day, hu?  He ended up coming back when he realized we have the best prices (duh!) but my boss took him aside and told him that 1-we had since learned he wanted a convenience euthanasia on a young cat with flea allergies.  A fairly simple thing to treat and then prevent.  And 2-the way he treated the employees (namely, me) was unacceptable and if he didn’t leave she was calling the cops.  She had to walk him out the door, the whole time he was yelling “I’m going to call your boss!”  and she’s saying “I am the boss.”  I guess it was kind of hilarious if it wasn’t so upsetting.  He ended up going to a different vet and having the cat euthanized there.  Some people…

The day went from there as a very busy, overloaded schedule kind of day.  I just remember being really exhausted at the end of it.

Hubster and I have been trying to tighten down the budget, and as such we try to plan out meals for the week and go to the grocery store with a very specific list of what we need for those meals.  (As opposed to our normal “I dunno… chicken sound good?  Don’t know what we’ll do with it, but we should get some…” where we end up going back to the store throughout the week to round out a meal, or giving up and ordering take-out.)  Between that, and deciding to participate in the Orthodox Lenten Fast (No, we don’t not-eat for 40 days.  We refrain from certain kinds of food.  This week are giving up meat, and starting next week we also refrain from all animal products and wine.  If you’re a nerd you can check out these links HERE for fasting in general, HERE for Lent specifically.) Anyway, we had planned to make a Chipotle-Butternut squash-Apple soup.  Well, it turns out that the prep work is rather involved, and even though Hubster had the day off he hadn’t given himself enough time to prep is for me, in order to make it that night.  We caved and ordered pizza.

Tuesday: Another blur of a day.  I made a lot of stupid mistakes, and almost cried at work.  We were just overwhelmed with appointments.  I would like to say, after several weeks where we were too light on appointments, and people have been getting sent home early, it’s nice to have a sense of “job security” that we are busy, but it doesn’t exactly help to feel like we are understaffed either.  My boss did an amazing job of rounding out the day with going over the positives, and basically cheering us on and telling us we are awesome.  I got home hoping that Hubster would have at least started making the soup… no dice.  Which made me a bit grumpy  – he had Monday-Wednesday off class and even though I worked a full day I still had to be the one to cook dinner when I came home?!?!  And when I asked him about his day, it sounded like he spent the majority of it napping or watching tv.  Not exactly helping my case of the grumps…

Wednesday: Another crazy day.  I was supposed to be training in the treatment area (I normally am in charge of the “front” – meaning I check in patients, get history, and assist doctors in the rooms.  “Treatment” encompasses running blood-work, urine and fecal samples, either in-house or filling out the proper forms to send it to the lab as well as monitoring hospitalized patients, giving them any medications, assisting the surgery technician if they need something as well as giving all treatments to the regular appointment patients.  This frequently included toenail trims, radiographs [x-rays], drawing blood, clipping-and-cleaning of minor wounds… it’s a very big job.)  But because we were slammed with multiple surgeries and a few emergencies my boss who was doing my rainging got sucked into helping with surgeries and so couldn’t train me… I ended up getting swapped to working the front.  Which made me feel like I SUCK, I thought I wasn’t doing a good job… I finally broke down and cried.  Thankfully one of my wonderful fellow techs assured me I was doing a great job, but my boss just couldn’t train like she wanted, and in order to put patient care first we had to revert to putting everyone where they were the strongest.  Which makes perfect sense, but it all just kind of hit me in a big emotional way.  (I’m currently today on CD 24 – PMS much?)

We also dealt with a frequent client who… well, there is no nice way to say this, but she is a little crazy.  She is constantly coming in thinking something is wrong with her dog, when nothing is wrong with the dog except it is feeding off her stress.  We have run blood-work, taken radiographs, kept the dog all day for monitoring…. nothing has shown up.  It has no clinical signs or symptoms.  But if you try to tell this woman that her dog is fine, she looks at you like you are an idiot, who clearly doesn’t care about her beloved pet.  The only time she is happy is if you can find some teeny tiny abnormality and give her something to “cure” it.  It’s very annoying and takes up time that could be spent on animals who really ARE sick.  I finally mentioned to her at the end of the day (after taking radiographs and monitoring the dog ALL DAY) that since we cannot find what is wrong, we may need to refer her to a specialist.  Which is also annoying.  So far we have not done any unnecessary invasive procedures on this dog, but if she goes to a specialist she is going to force her dog to undergo unnecessary invasive procedures.  It’s really technically not the humane thing to do, but of course I can’t just look this woman in the eye and tell her she is imagining things, that this is all in her head.  She will just go to some other clinic and do this all again.  My only hope is that if a specialist looks at her and tells her that her dog is fine, she will finally believe it.

We also had a surprisingly number of morbid cases.  On a normal day, we may or may not have any euthanasias, at most maybe 2 or 3.  Wednesday we have 5.  And we had a DOA.  A woman had let her small dog out to go to the bathroom, while she used her own restroom… when she came out she witnessed it being attacked by a large dog.  But if that wasn’t enough… her husband had bought her the dog when they lost their son.

I cannot even imagine the pain, hysteria and trauma this woman is going through.  When the dog came in, the tech who had taken over treatment for me was so overwhelmed with death (Since she had to make paw prints in clay of all the previous euthanized animals, fill out the paperwork for their cremations, prepare the bodies for pick up) I could tell she had hit her “wall”, so I volunteered to handle this case.  I think it also felt like a personal case… while I did not lose a child who had been living, this woman and I are connected in some weird ALI way…. it felt important to me to handle this.  Everyone else was like “That’s so sad, what can we do?  What can we say?”  And I just looked at them and said “You guys.  There. Is. Nothing. you can say.”  I am sure this woman knows nothing about me, but all I can hope is that the time I spent making the paw print as perfect as possible, will somehow bring her some miniscule relief from the pain she is currently drowning in.

And then of course the blogosphere has been dealing with Mo’s loss.  I have not really done anything.  In a state of shock myself at the whole situation.  She has been such a great voice in the community.  A poignant and witty blogger herself, I can think of several posts of hers that helped me.  She personally reached out to me when I learned that Hubster had sex with another woman.  I feel so bereft for her to lose this pregnancy.  And yet I have not been able to reach out to her as I would like to.  I just cannot even fathom that this has happened.  It feels like a weird, twisted dream.  I know infertility and loss isn’t fair to anyone, but she has been someone I have been rooting for so strongly.

Throw in the fact that basically the only friend really available to spend any time with is my super-fertile friend Suzy.  Mother to an almost-2-year-old and currently pregnant (the first time they tried).  She is a great friend, but it is also difficult at time to spend so much time with her.  But my other option is being alone and that also sucks.  I’m trying to be a good friend, and help her around the house as she is trying to juggle a little boy who is feeling under the weather as she is having all kinds of food aversions and not feeling her 100%.

Hubster and I had a long talk last night, weighing the pros and cons of more fertility treatments vs adoption.  We have a lot of fears and concerns with both.  He is in school, and if we have a baby before he gets out, we wont have any income.  And we are very aware that there is only so much money left in his trust fund, especially as we currently using it to supplement out single-source-income situation.  that being said, we technically do not have it in the budget to afford fertility treatments.  And that being said, we probably wouldn’t qualify to adopt.  Our credit sucks, our income situation looks crappy (For one of Hubster’s school grants we had to apply, and qualify, for food stamps.  We did.  It’s a rather ridiculous $16 a month, but still.  We qualify.  That can’t look good for applying for adoption.)  If I’m honest, I’m not sure that I’m really ready to give up the experience of pregnancy, as stupid as that sounds.  I want to have morning sickness, and feel the baby kick… I want to give IUI a shot, so that at least I wont ever wonder “what if”.  I have fears about how raising an adopted kid is so much more challenging, as everyone who had ever been adopted keeps telling me.  I worry that if we put this off for another year because of Hubster’s school situation, it’s just one more year to age my ovaries.  In March I turn 27.  And while that’s young in a lot of ways, it’s getting pretty close to the “top of the hill” as far as my reproductive parts are concerned.  Also in March is the anniversary of when our baby would be experiencing their first birthday if we had not lost them.  There is just a lot of emotions pent up in me, and not really anyone in real life to talk to about them.  And with my work schedule I really only have time to get online and update my blog and read other blogs about once, maybe twice a week, and so I have felt less and less support from this community as I just do not have the time to be a part of it.  It’s nobody’s fault but my own, I know that.  But the more isolated I feel, the more drained and exhausted I am… vicious cycle.  I just want someone to sit down with over a warm coffee or tea and chat with about all this.  The closest person I have to do that with is Alex, and as great as she is, she is sadly not super close, so we really can only get together about once a month.  And I can’t ever work anything out with anyone else.

So.  Here I sit.  At 11:31 AM, cozied up in my bed and my laptop just trying to work up the energy to get up, put on real clothes, go over to Suzie’s with a smile on my face and soldier on as the supportive friend.  And then come home and tackle dishes, laundry, and dinner.  And soldier on as the woman-who-can-do-it-all-wife.  So that I can get up and go to work tomorrow and soldier on as the giving-it-110%-vet-tech.  All so that I can drop back into bed exhausted at the end of the day, and hold back tears of exhaustion and emotion as much as I can, at least until I’m alone.

***UPDATED***

Hanging out with Suzy was great.  She is so NOT the “smug pregnant lady”.  She has had other friends besides me deal with miscarriages etc, so she is very aware of how lucky she is.  And she is a great listener when I ended up breaking down and crying about everything.  I still wish I had more ALI friends close by, but it’s always reassuring to remember what a great friend I have in Suzy.

And I came home and told Hubster in no uncertain terms that I could really use his help in making dinners a few nights a week because after a long stressful work day it would be nice to know I don’t have to come home and still cook.  And he was very understandable and agreeable to the idea, although he reminded me that his dinner nights will be simple meals, which is fine with me.

The Importance of Diction

First and foremost:

I am once again completely overwhelmed by your love and support (and righteous anger!) on my behalf.

I don’t know how I would get through all this without the amazing outlet and resource that blogging is, specifically blogging with all of YOU guys.  Of course we “blog for ourselves”, but it wouldn’t be the same without you gals.

Well, Rain really had a great point about getting out and clearing my head.  As it turns out we already had plans that evening to spend with K and D (who I’ve decided to dub Suzy and Professor).  Suzy and I watched Sta.rgate, and Professor and Hubster went air-softing with a big bunch of guys. It gave both of us some very much needed distraction, followed by conversation with friends.  So that we were able to have something of a conversation when we got back home.

As it turns out, I may have misunderstood something he said.  And he may have not used the best word choices.

For some reason he thought he was going to get his results that day (which I knew wouldn’t happen…) but so he was upset that not only did he not get any results that day, but results could be months out.  He was angry at himself for the situation he had put himself in, and scared.  (as many of you pointed out could very well be the case that he was angry and scared) And he was upset about realizing this puts us back over 3 months in a lot of things, including our plans for a family.  (He  cried last night about wanting a family)  His push for protected sex was about him not wanting to potentially pass anything onto me or to a child.  He just really really sucked at expressing all that in the heat of the moment. (And for the record: he never said he wanted to have sex with anyone else, that was my anger taking the situation and running with it)

While I was angry at his craptastic wording, I have to acknowledge that I was having anger from my own frustration and disappointment.  I mean, hellooOOoo, he has technically had sex the most recently.  I have not had sex in months.  Horny and sexually frustrated is definitely ME.  I have been impatient to have sex, and while I didn’t see us jumping right into sex and TTC, I also didn’t see it getting pushed out 3 months.  OF COURSE, we both wont do anything that could put (or any potential children) in danger.

In an attempt to try and figure out what we could be dealing with, he did have a conversation with the woman he slept with. (I think I’ll be calling her Jezebel from now on)  Turns out she was tested about 6 months back,(all was clear) and as we were at one time really close (I might have called her a best friend…) I know a lot about her sex life.  And if I am recalling correctly, in the last 6 months she has had two other sex partners besides my husband.  One was a man who was in a long-term committed relationship, who has a very good likelihood of being clean.  (And he was more than 3 months ago if memory is serving me right)  The other was a friend of Hubster’s (don’t even get me started on how weird this whole thing is), who was tested himself a few months back and everything came back clean.   I’ve been trying to get a hold of Jezebel today, and basically feel that if she can go and get tested for HIV in the next few weeks, (and it comes back clean) than we would be comfortable feeling that we would be in the clear. (And thus be able to allow the physicality to progress at a natural pace)

Looking forward to counseling tomorrow.  Hoping we can make some similar headway to our last session.

Happy of Today:  This afternoon we met up with Suzy and some of her friends at a local park that has a plethora of blueberry bushes, and picked a whole lot of free fruit.  It was actually great to get out, get some fresh air, and do something that was care-free and fun.  And has lead to a couple of blueberry-peach pies cooling as I type this.

Day 32 of 100 Days of Happiness.

Awkwardness, Arguing, Home Economics

A day for bullet points; what has gone on in the last two days:

-Much discussion and debate about why I feel awkward when things turn “romantic”.  Mostly with a lot of “I don’t know why I feel this way, I just do” to which Hubster replies “I don’t want to push anything, buuuut….”

*sigh*

-Started today off with an argument about bills.  Oh, ya, I forgot how we fight about money.  It took up most of the day.  We sat down and listed ALL our reoccurring bills, all the new bills, food, gas… and basically found out that to survive we need about $2,500 a month.  Being an adult sucks.  I hate being responsible.  I hate having to budget gas and grocery because that means I can’t drive up to Seattle or out to Port Orchard on a whim anymore.  It also makes my part-time-nannying look like diddly-squat with the anticipated $400 a month it brings in.  Yes, we have the trust account, but really… who wants to live off that?  We need jobs. Real jobs.  Like… yesterday.  I hate that I have three student loans (and in 2018 a 4th student loan starts needing to get repaid, but I’ll worry about that then) that take up a big chunk of that monthly budget.  I hate that since moving to Tacoma our car insurance approximately tripled.  (Yes, we are shopping around for something cheaper)

-Radar, my old dog, has worms.  Yes, we do monthly de-worming (they just got it Friday, so it’s feasible they are showing up in his poo because of the pill) and they can pick up the microscopic eggs anywhere, but really… it’s just disgusting to see them all white and wiggly as I bag the stuff when I walk the dogs.  BLECH!  If it doesn’t clear up in a few more days it probably means I need to take him into a vet to get another de-worming dose and really clear the problem out (and if he has it, you can assume the other two do as well, so that means THREE dogs into the vet.  After an afternoon of money arguments, I really don’t want to contemplate telling Hubster I need to take three dogs in for exams and medications)

-Hubster is going in Friday for ST.D testing.  (Or do they call it ST.I testing now?)  Because, well, it seems like the responsible thing to do after the incident.  The crappy thing about our situation is after a big argument, there is no make-up sex.  We had some make-up cuddles but it’s not the same.  When we went down to Planned Parenthood yesterday to make the appointment, I felt so out of place.  Of course it’s in a rougher neighborhood… it just wasn’t ever a place I saw myself going to.  Like some kind of thing I would see in a movie or a tv show, something that happens to other people, not me.  Like I was in somebody else’s life.  I didn’t put my foot in my mouth in the clinic or anything, but emotionally it was just very overwhelming and stressful.  We had the conversation of “what if they find something?” but really, we can’t plan for those kinds of things too much.  We will just have to take it one day at a time, pursue any treatment they recommend…  Of course both of us is hoping it will be a “waste” of money and everything will come back clean, but we’re not going to take any chances either.

-I canned some peaches yesterday!  I made them “spicy”, with a cinnamon stick, allspice, cloves, nutmeg and ginger… excited for when we finally open them up and try them later this winter.  They went up on the shelf with the peaches I canned last month with some women from church.

-Currently watching Boon.dock Sa.ints.  Can I just say I ❤ this movie?  We ended up decided on the name of Rocco for the kitten because he just looks like he’s going to get into trouble.  I also really like the sequel… I know many people don’t like it, but when you think about how hard Tr.oy Du.ffy worked to make the film (worked for years!) and the amazing number of principle characters they got to return, obviously everyone involved was really invested in this story.  How can you be a fan of the first movie and not support the creator and actors in a sequel project they really believed in?  In an interview Tr.oy said he has been approached to do a series (on something like HB.O – where they could be true to the foul language and violence of the movies) and that producing a series is a lot easier than a movie, so I’m impatient for more news on that front.

Happies:

Yesterday = Canning peaches! Day 30 of 100

Today = Cuddling my kitty as I watch his name-sake.  Day 31 of 100 Days of Happiness.

And for a change, more talking!

So, I want to apologize for lacking in replying to comments.  All your comments mean the world to me, it’s just that usually what I would reply ends up being long and becoming a new post all together.

Today I am super tired.  It probably has to do with the fact that I feel asleep at 4ish, and work up at 9 to meet with my priest.

Why was I awake so late?  Well, blame the Man, we talked for 3 hours last night.  I know that some people probably wouldn’t want to talk to him, but I know we can’t work on stuff without talking.  And I can’t help it, old habits die hard.  If you count our dating years, we have been together for 8 years.  He really is my best friend, the person I go to with all my worries.

I think we made some good steps in the conversation.  I made the decision that I needed to know exactly how it all happened.  Some people probably wouldn’t want to know, but what I had going through my head was pretty bad.  I figured it couldn’t really be any worse.  As it turns out, I was right.  Ya, it sucked but it really wasn’t as bad as what was going through my head.  In fact, it really reminded me of the time I got drunk and made out with Polly.  (Lowered inhibitions, close friend I’ve known since childhood, feeling lonely…)  It sounds weird to admit I have kissed a girl, and I know that there is a difference between kissing and sex, but the whole scenario really was very similar.

I think the really amazing thing was that we had an entire conversation about why our sex life has (for the most part) just plain sucked.  And what our best nights of sex were.  See, he has always had a low sex drive.  And when I have approached him as to why, he has gotten defensive and basically told me that I’m the one with a problem, not him.  He very much likes a routine, and when I would suggest trying something new he would basically shut down, and make me feel like some messed up sexual deviant for even suggesting a change in the routine.  Or he would get defensive until I finally apologized for offending him.  Our conversations about sex we not two adults with mutual love and respect.  I became so scared of being hurt that I wouldn’t voice my concerns or frustrations, of if I did it would be in a quiet, awkward way like a little kid would talk about sex.  Last night I spoke with confidence and clarity about what I need; we talked about sex like two adults.  I can’t tell you guys what a HUGE breakthrough that is for us.

I’d like to interrupt our programming for this important announcement:     I wanted to take a moment to talk about pajamas.  I had some questions about my lack of pajama ownership.  Well, see I move in my sleep.  A lot.  When I was a kid it was not unusual to wake up having turned 180 degrees and facing the foot-board.  All this moving about caused my pajamas to get tangled in the sheets, constricting me.  And I don’t know about you guys, but playing “bon.dage” with my bed didn’t really lead to a restful sleep.  So somewhere along the way I stopped wearing pajamas in bed.  Ya, I was the “nak.ed room.mate” in college.  In my head, we were both women so who cared?  I never went into common areas in the buff, but me + pajamas + bed just wasn’t going to happen.  I have owned a handful of pajamas in the last decade.  Really the only reason I own a single pair at all is for when I travel and stay at people’s houses.  (Because I do drawn the line at sleeping au-la-natural on a friend’s couch or my dad’s guest bed)  But lately I have been crashing at friend’s more frequently, and when Hubster does get out here, even if we don’t share a bed at first, I need something to walk around the apartment in because suddenly wandering around with no clothes feels really awkward.  So the pajamas that I have found that I can sleep in are either cami-length pants or shorts.  Too baggy and they just tangle faster it seems.  Sports bra, racer-back tank.  That’s about it.      And now back to our regularly schedule programming.

Ok, so back on track.  I met with our Priest today.  I guess I kind of expected him to at least try and talk me into staying married, if not outright telling me I had to.  I figured he would push for me to come to every church event and situation right now, since I had told him that my enthusiasm to dig into faith right now was basically gone.  But he didn’t do that stuff.  He listened, asked how I was doing, and told me that whatever decision I make is fine.  Yes, the Church values family and marriage, but he told me that the Church doesn’t want people to be married who don’t want to be married.  Forcing people to do something just creates bitterness and resentment.  I guess it was a little surreal to realize that I am currently in a situation that the church recognizes as a legitimate reason for divorce.  He encouraged us to seek a professional counselor, saying “I went to seminary and got a Mast.ers in Divin.ity.  That doesn’t make me a licensed therapist.  My area of expertise is the spiritual relationships.”  I appreciated his honesty, and we talked about where to look for a good counselor.  He told me that it makes sense that I don’t feel very motivated to be in church a lot.  He told me “This isn’t the time to dig deep into faith.  This is the time to be sustained in all that you already know.”  He knows that before we can jump right back into active church life we need to know where our marriage life is going.  We talked a bit about why I want to work on our marriage.  Our history of 8 years, our plans for our future, for a family, my fears of having to start over, my refusal to be another statistic of a child from a divorced home.  We talked about my parents marriage, and why it failed.  He said he does really want to sit down with both Scott and I, when we are up for it, and talk about the Orthodox life, and The Sacramental Life, which I’m actually really intrigued to hear more about.  And then we got off on a tangent about how we are both total foodies and love trying new and exotic foods, and then suddenly we had been sitting there for an hour and a half and his next appointment was about to start!

I’m so lucky to have him as a priest.

And then I came home and took an epic nap.

My sleep schedule is all kinds of messed up.

All these long late night phone calls reminds me of when we were dating.  It’s a little overwhelming at times to see such a change in him, all of the effort and sensitivity he is putting into this that has been missing for so long and I didn’t really notice; or I noticed but couldn’t put my finger on it, you know?  I mean, I had to know something was wrong.  Most of the books I have purchased in the last couple of months have been about marriage/relationships.  But as I read them I would think to myself “But we do talk openly and honestly.  This book sucks.”  and now I realize how often I haven’t been honest, for fear of hurting him or myself, so I would keep it to myself or water down the message.

So I guess today, I’m doing ok.  I am having more and more moments of “We can do this.  We can get through this.  We can be stronger for this.”

In which case my baby-brain takes over and says “ok, so how many cycles until we get back to working on getting you knocked up?”

And then I have to smack the baby-brain.

And laugh at myself.

Happy of the day:  Having the most amazing, sensitive, down-to-earth understanding Priest I could imagine, making me feel stronger, supported, and even got me laughing.  Thank you Father J.

Day 22 of 100 Days of Happiness.