I cannot do those things

It’s been an exhausting week. Last weekend we flew (first time for Seedling!) to California to celebrate my brother’s graduation from the prestigious Air Force Test Pilot School (there were only 12 pilots in his class. This is a big deal) and while there was lots of fun and awesomeness, there was also a lot of being tired and stressed, because that’s just how things go with extended-family-events. We get back and, of course, Seedling has a little cold. Not a major disease or anything, probably just a big from flying etc. But when she is sick she pretty much wants to nurse, or nap in my lap. Which would be fine except we are supposed to move THIS WEEKEND. Then I had to rush my stupid dog Glen to the vet because he ate trail mix and was vomiting it back up all morning/afternoon and I was starting to worry he had an obstruction because he ate the almonds WHOLE. Twit didn’t chew at all! Thankfully NOT obstructed. Thankfully NOT a giant vet bill. But I got home and felt absolutely claustrophobic. Dishes that need to be put away, piles of laundry to put away, laundry that has been sitting in the dryer since MONDAY. Boxes piled up, some full, most waiting TO be filled. I haven’t been able to properly unpack. I’m eating random junk because I’m exhausted and there is no time or energy for anything else. Pretty sure I’m dehydrated, and I’m certain I haven’t showered since Sunday.

I need help. I can’t do it all. But Hubster has to be at work and school. Friends and family have their own lives to take care of. Even when people offer I just don’t know how to accept the help because I’m that far gone. I called my mom to vent and she tells me “Just take care of Seedling, walk the dogs, eat healthy and sleep as much as you can.” Like that’s the bare minimum to surviving. But you know what? I can’t do all of those things. I can’t. I try so hard to do it all, to pull myself up by my bootstraps. To tell myself to figure it out, to stay strong, be an adult, cowgirl up. But I’m out of steam. There’s no more energy. All I can do is the first thing on that list; take care of seedling. And maybe the dogs. But me? Ya, there’s no time or energy for that. And anyone who tries to tell me I’m a loser, or a failure as a parent can go take a hike because I’m already telling myself that.

I can’t do all these things.

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4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by babycrazykiwi on June 19, 2013 at 11:40 pm

    You. Are NOT a failure! Don’t ever think that let alone say it. You are doing the best with what you have for now. I think perhaps your friends need to get onside and help. So what if there’s dishes in the sink and washing to be put away…you have a young baby and that’s what people should be coming to help you with. Honestly the amount of times I’ve gone to see friends and spent my time a)holding their fussing child while they do much needed chores or b) done their chores while they look after their child I couldn’t count….its what people should do for new mums!
    Hun if I was in the same part of the world I’d love to come over and help you out. Moving sucks butt big time so you need all the help you can get.
    Hope things improve soon hun, in the meantime try not to sweat it 🙂 xxx

    Reply

  2. You are not a looser, remember you can do it! Take it one step at a time. Also please please please take care of yourself because if you don’t, you won’t be able to take care of seedling. Sending you lots of virtual strength and hugs from the other end of the world xxx

    Reply

  3. Anyone who tries to tell you that you’re a loser is wrong (including yourself!). You’re doing the best you can – that’s all we can do. I wish I were closer to come give you a break and help. ((hug))

    Reply

  4. ****Warning, this comment may seem like I’m being a bit harsh. I’m not trying to be. But, I’ve been through something similar, and I learned my lessons the hard way. This is just my best advice. Please don’t hate me!!!******

    You need to take care of yourself! You need to find the time and energy to do that. I know, it’s hard. But if you’re not at your best…then you can’t be the best mom you can be. I have been to that place of feeling totally overwhelmed and unable to do anything other than sit on the couch and cry with my baby. But, you need to take steps to get yourself cared for. I may sound like a (insert bad word here), but you need to do it for Seedling. Because Seedling needs you to be healthy!

    I had a hell of a time learning this lesson. I really did. I fought it with every ounce of my being. I thought that Cadet had to be put before everything else. And do you know what happened then? Then I got sick (stomach flu) and I physically couldn’t do anything for Cadet for two days. I realized then that even if it meant letting him play in his crib for 15 minutes while I showered (and yes, sometimes he cried) or putting him in a stroller while I ate lunch at the park…it was worth it. Because we can only be at our best mommy-selves when we care for our bodies and spirits.

    My thoughts are with you and I’m sending you big hugs!

    Reply

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