Body issues

Pretty sure Seedling is teething. She goes from her normal happy-go-lucky self to hysterical screaming at the drop of a hat. Drooling, hands in mouth, frozen teething rings, nursing 24/7, Tylenol, holistic teething tablets… Such has been my life the last few days. No real end in sight. My heart just breaks for her 😦

Last night was the first time Hubster and I were intimate since Seedling was born. Well… Since about a year ago, actually. Pregnancy sex was just too weird for us, and then the exhaustion of patenting a new baby… We have talked about it quite a bit and agreed we wouldn’t have really high expectations. It’s been so long, my body is changed from childbirth and breastfeeding. Needless to say, we had to pause and giggle a few times. Since I’m nursing my nether regions were quite dry so we had to stop and hunt down lube. Then milk was leaking everywhere so I had to stop and put on a bra with absorbent nursing pads. But the most frustrating thing was that everyone told me after giving birth that “it’s like the Grand Canyon down there”. Um, no. Things were quite snug, uncomfortable… Actually quite painful, particularly along my episiotomy scar.

In talking with some other moms today, it came up that I have not had an exam since my delivery. When I went in for my “6 week post partum” check, the nurse looked at my chart and said “oh, you’re not due for your annual Pap smear. Sorry you came all the way in for nothing” and sent me home. I thought it was odd at the time, but I was also exhausted and hormonal and just eager to go home and sleep more. So no one has checked that I healed correctly, or any of the other bits and baubles that should have been done.

And now I no longer have insurance coverage.

I don’t know why exactly but it all just hit me very strongly this afternoon. I felt like I’d failed something, somehow. Failed myself. Failed my body. Or my body had failed me. There was crying.

I just feel like every time I turn around something is wrong. Of course, it could be that everything is hunky dory and normal. But I don’t know that. Why didn’t I stand up to that nurse? Why didn’t I ask more questions? I’m overwhelmed with questions of “Am I ok? Will our sex be painful forever? How will this affect future childbirth if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again?”

Hubster was very sweet and understanding. Both during the sex, and during my mini panic attack this afternoon. He told me to call a doctor and be seen ASAP, we will just have to pay for the exam, my health is the most important thing.

Several people have told me to go back that doctor and demand a free exam. He was a descent enough guy, the best option with our last minute change during the pregnancy, but I don’t really feel 100% comfortable going back there. I got several great recommendations of other doctors and midwives to choose from. I tried calling today but offices were closed. Guess I know what I’m doing on Monday!

I’m so grateful for the amazing support I have. Dear childhood friends, an amazing local mom group, new friendships I’m forming in my church. I think that’s why I so rarely blog anymore… This space was about needing support that I didn’t have. But now I have so much support. But it’s still comforting to come back here and lay it all out. Like a childhood security blanket.

I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to say. I’m so exhausted and drained. It’s been an emotional day. Sleep is calling. I’m just gonna curl up with my blankie and go night-night.

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