Trying to Live in the Present

Yesterday, as I found myself complaining about how my ankles are starting to swell, and I’m starting to get huge veins popping on my legs, I was suddenly really struck with a very humbling thought.

We have this pregnancy by the grace of God.

There is still no good, scientific explanation why, after 2+ years of infertility due to my body not ovulating, that it should suddenly, sporadically have worked.  Especially when we only had sex once even remotely close to when I must have ovulated.  As much as Hubster and I have had conversations about how many kids we want, future pregnancies, future children… there is NO guarantee I will ever be pregnant again.  This pregnancy is SUCH a blessing.

As my 29th week is coming to a close, and week 30 is ahead of me on Sunday… that means I have approximately 10 weeks until this pregnancy is done.  8 to 12 weeks.  That is some crazy small numbers.

Have I appreciated this pregnancy enough?  Have I reveled in it enough?  Have I thanked God enough?

I really have to admit the answer is no. (Especially since my super-intense-tiredness has gotten me out of my usual routine of morning and evening prayers.  It sounds so lame, but I’m just so fuzzy in the head that I forget!  Until later in the afternoon or something.)

I just want to soak up Every Moment.  Every Kick.  Every Feeling.  I want to acknowledge this could very well be a Once.In.A.Lifetime.Experience.

Because for me, pregnancy was not a “means to an end” – if all we really cared about was having a baby, we probably would have looked harder into adoption or surrogacy.  But I wanted the whole package, I wanted to feel my uterus grow and the baby move and as scared as I am, I am also really excited to experience laboring and delivering my baby.

I’m actually feeling kind of sad that the end is coming so quickly.  Don’t get me wrong – I am SO impatient and excited to get to look at my little girl, hold her in my arms and see Hubster snuggle her, watch her grow, laugh and play.  But I’m also just really sad that this time that I have right now is coming to a close.  As much as I really enjoy my job, I kind of hate that I have to go to work and be distracted from this precious experience.  I just want to stay home, focus on the movements in my tummy.  Snuggle the doggies.  Knit like crazy.  Be all home-maker-ly.

As weird as it may sound, there is something… comforting in the fact of knowing that right now, I’m never alone.  I can be driving to work, and this baby will kick, and I’ll smile and know I’ve got someone hanging out with me.  I’ll sing along with the radio and know she’s listening.  In a way, I wonder if it will seem “lonely” when she’s born?

There is a girl at my work, that when I started was really pregnant.  One day I just didn’t see her anymore, and I heard she had had her baby, a boy.  Yesterday I saw her back for the first time, so I asked her how her baby was doing.  Of course, it’s always crazy busy, so it wasn’t a long conversation, but I expressed how quickly her 6 week leave had gone by, and she laughed and said that she had thought of coming back after 3 weeks.  I didn’t say anything, I know that lots of moms have a hard time with the newborn stage.  But I was just flabbergasted.  I’m so worried my 6 weeks is going to fly by and I’m going to be in a major meltdown about having to leave my baby.

But that’s all ahead of me.  Right now, I’m just going to sit back and close my eyes and focus on the little nudges and wiggles inside me.

(And then frantically take a shower, get into scrubs, pack a lunch and book it to work. *sigh*)


2 responses to this post.

  1. I totally hear you. My pregnancies are high risk and very difficult on me physically… but emotionally, it’s like bliss, and I never want them to end… except for the fact that I really want to hold the baby and get off of bed rest. LOL. Such ambivalence! And I agree about soaking up the time in that 6 weeks of leave. How can you ever get enough snuggles and little baby kisses? … except at 3am, then sometime I’d just like to sleep. 😉


    • I have this unceasing fear that one of these days they will find something wrong and put me on bed rest… maybe I’ve just known so many women that had to go on bed rest? Oh, paranoia…


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