A Look Into the Insanity Inside My Brain

It seems like the last week or two has been a war of two thoughts.
And it goes a little something like this:

Stress Mess: Ohmagosh!!! You’re job ends at the end of this month. Ends! This month! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Calmly Content: Stop stressing. Just take this one day at a time.  Apply for jobs, do a little job hunting every day so it doesn’t get overwhelming.

SM: How can you be so naive? You are coming up on 5 months pregnant, and the job market blows. Everything either doesn’t pay enough to live off of, is too physically demanding for you, or you never get a call back.  How are you going to do this, how are you going to survive?! This isn’t just about you, or Hubster, there is a little baby to take care of and provide for!!!

CC: Come on, we have X amount of money in saving, in the trust. You can more than survive for several months without a job if you have to.  If you really tightened the belt, you could survive for more than a year.

SM: Ok, but that money is only going to last so long, and you can’t rely on it! Even if the job market was hot, how realistic is it that you could land a job this far along in your pregnancy? If I was being really honest… I feel that it’s unfair that the pregnant lady has all the responsibility to bring in the income. Seriously, I feel resentful that Hubster isn’t trying to find a full time job.

CC: WHAT?  How can you say that?! He supported you through 8 years of college! He finally has found a career path, something that could become a great career, that could support this family for decades to come! Something that he wouldn’t hate! Remember all the jobs he has hated??? Look, you know plenty of single moms, who had to sustain themselves through pregnancy and beyond. You just need to get your ass in gear and stop whining!  Figure out what you need to do to provide for your family.

SM: Look, I don’t enjoy being resentful. I’m just trying to be honest. I’m so overly emotional with pregnancy hormones. I just need to feel like we are both providing for this family. And yes, Hubster does all kinds of amazing-wonderful-fabulous things… but not only am I supposed to bring in all the moola, but I’m still pulling the majority of the weight in the housekeeping department!  And don’t even get me started that as I’m job hunting, I’m also having to consider whether or not I could bring the baby with me to work, and if not, the idea of trying to research (and pay for!) a childcare option!!! I’m just so exhausted, emotionally and physically. I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat. *crying as I’m typing this* I really just don’t feel like I can do all of this.  I can feel the depression circling in the shadows.  I’ve been off antidepressants for so long, and I can’t go back to it, I just CAN’T! I’m just not strong enough.

CC: Ok, look. At the end of the day, you know this is true: sometimes we have difficulties in life. And you can make a choice to either bear this with joy and humility, or you can be self centered, selfish and give into negative feelings towards your husband – and father of the child inside of you! You just wrote an entire post about Embracing Trials and Tribulations, remember?!?! Stop wasting time and energy on this, and know that God has this all figured out. And ya, it might be really hard, and times may get really lean, but you will survive this.  You know other families with more children and tighter finances, and God is sustaining them.  God will sustain you as well.

And round and round it goes. I don’t want to be resentful of Hubster, I want to support him.  I want to be strong enough. But I can feel the symptoms of anxiety and depression rising. I’m sure everyone would say “you can do this!” but what if I can’t? What if I’m really not strong enough? Why can’t a woman every just say “I cannot do it all?!?!” without being attacked by well-intentioned-but-ultimately-unhelpful-and-unrealistic-feminism?!?!?! But I also can’t ignore that my conscience is reminding me of my faith and my religious beliefs.

I just need to get to bed, because tomorrow is another busy, emotional day!


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