Back to Happy?

Maybe yesterday’s post was too heavy.  I feel I should clarify, that I’m not talking about any of my readers, or any of the blogs I recommend to people to read.  It’s more of a recognition of what I know is out there.

I remember a while back, when I heard rumblings of some controversy in the ALI community called PAIL.  I didn’t really get it at the time.  I didn’t think that a separate place for pregnant or parenting folks was needed, but I also didn’t see why it should be such a big deal if they decided to congregate.  But in the last month or so, as my reader stats have been dropping, commenting is running low, I started to realize I was becoming more and more alone in my journey.  I started to feel like something of a leper… and that’s when I remembered about this mysterious PAIL thing.  So I went a-searching.  And found a whole group of women, dealing with the excitement, but also the fears and concerns that come with this experience.

It’s not that I’m wanting to leave the bloggers that I have become invested in, hoping with them every cycle that this time it works.  More, it’s a recognition that for some of those individuals, it’s really hard for them to continue following me.  I believe there’s still mutual care for one another, just a recognition that we’re in different places.

I’m not going to apologize for where I’m at.  And I’m not going to apologize for posting pictures of ultrasounds or bumps, or that I’m talking about things like nurseries, parenting philosophies, and birthing plans.  Before I became pregnant, I knew that if I ever did get pregnant, I was going to celebrate every moment of it that I got, knowing that I could lose it all in a blink of an eye.  I would rather enjoy what I’ve got.  (That whole choosing-to-be-happy thing I was talking about yesterday)

In an attempt to end on a high note, I wan to share an important moment today.  I had my first in-public recognition of my pregnancy.  Let me explain; since I started this pregnancy overweight (215lbs) I worried that I would never *look* pregnant.  But that I would just look increasingly obese.  2 weeks ago when a woman told me “You don’t look pregnant at all!!!‘ my fears were somewhat solidified.  But this evening, as I was walking about the grocery store getting a few odds and ends for dinner, I had one of those moments when several people attempt to cross an intersection between aisles.  It was very crowded, so I made eye contact with the couple to the left of me and, waved at them to go ahead, thinking they had a large cart and I just had a small hand-basket.  They hesitated, and then the husband crossed into the next aisle.  And as he did so, his wife kicked him in the butt and explained “Let the pregnant lady go first, GAAHHH!”

Totally made my evening.  🙂

And to top it off, “So You Think You Can Dance” is on tonight! *Squeee!!!*


17 responses to this post.

  1. 🙂 What an awesome moment! Yay!!

    I’m glad it occurred to you to check out PAIL. It has been such a wonderful place for me to reconnect with people and to find a bunch of bloggers who were also feeling lost in the ALI space. Not that I don’t check on all of my ALI friends just as much, but it’s great to have both.


    • Thanks! I’ve been replaying it over in my head lol.
      I wish I had remembered PAIL earlier, I am still going to keep up with the blogs I’ve always followed, but it’s nice to know I can have support from more than one place.


  2. Posted by babycrazykiwi on July 26, 2012 at 12:23 am

    I will apologise for not commenting more often. Not because I feel I have to but because I have been feeling awful for some time about being so slack. I’m always reading but I went through a patch where I didn’t have the energy to comment because the journey had really worn me down. I couldn’t and sometimes still can’t think of anything that would be of any use to write hence I just write nothing. I’m glad you’ve found another place you can seek comfort. And great about the public recognition!!!


  3. “But in the last month or so, as my reader stats have been dropping, commenting is running low, I started to realize I was becoming more and more alone in my journey.”


    I wrote a private post this week about this very thing and I’m trying to decide whether or not to publish it. Though well-written, it’s pretty honest and I have a couple of real-life friends who may feel convicted by reading it. (Not only have I felt disconnected from the ALI community, but my real-life friends–several of them–have abandoned ship.) My intent is to have an outlet for my feelings at this stage of the journey; it is not to make them feel convicted. So for now, it will remain private but who knows, I may feel differently one day soon…

    I want to post more about the pregnancy and my feelings/issues that come with being pregnant after infertility/loss but I’m reluctant for one reason. The one thing that holds me back is that I have 2 very good real life friends who read (even the protected posts on my blog) who just within the last 10 days suffered miscarriages after years of infertility.

    It’s a fine line to walk…


    • I’m so sorry for the pain of your friends loss. I guess I’m lucky, in that I only have 2 or 3 people who know me IRL and who read my blog, it allows me the freedom to be more open. Although I’ve had some stinging private messages sent my way over various blog posts… Which always shakes me but I always come back to knowing that this blog is something I do for me. I hope you will find a good way to express what is weighing on your heart.


  4. Posted by marwil on July 26, 2012 at 5:01 am

    You should enjoy this time and use this space as you wish. There’s no reason to hold back because of guilt for being pregnant. I’m still here, just a little bit silent at the moment. We all do what feels best due to where we are on this journey.


  5. From the beginning, I have never felt that being a part of PAIL was an either/or situation with ALI. It’s a smaller community that complements the larger whole. It’s been a good thing for me to find bloggers who are in the same stage as I am, and it hasn’t prevented me from following my usual suspects.

    Your blog is your space. Use it as you need to.

    And yay for being outted in public! I never got that (thanks to being super-plus-sized), and it was something I wish I got to experience.


    • I totally agree, I’m not leaving the blogs I’ve always followed, just adding some new ones 🙂


      • I was going to reply to Mrs. Gamgee and you beat me to it!

        Even back when PAIL was ‘just a blogroll’ I never saw it as a separate place, just *another* place. Now that it literally occupies a space, it is much more interactive than a list of blogs and this is how I have made the most connections, including you! Never a bad thing in my books. 🙂

  6. I think it’s great that you can have a foot in each community. I imagine you’re in a hard place right now–still so much uncertainty, but really wanting to be hopeful about the future. I’m having a hard time being hopeful about my own future right now, but I’m very hopeful for you and the other pregnant bloggers I follow–even if I don’t always say it.


    • I’ve got lots of hope for you, some days I feel so impatient on your behalf, I wish I could DO something to help you guys to the next stage. It is weird, I don’t think I’m in the same head space I would have been if we hadn’t had those 2 years of struggle.


  7. Hi, I am on the PAIL blog roll and saw that you just signed up! [Waves] As someone who dealt with overweight pregnancy, I just wanted to let you know I am there if you need anything (even to just rant/vent)!

    Good luck, hon!!


    • Thanks! *WAVES BOTH ARMS WILDLY LIKE A LITTLE KID* I know that, just like IF, I’m not alone in walking into this pregnancy heavier than I would have liked – it helps to find others who have gone before me 🙂


  8. Oops. I just posted my comment on your last post accidentally. It was supposed to be here. Sorry. LOL.


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