Descent Into Darkness

This afternoon Hubster and I went to see the new Ba.tma.n movie.  Besides being a captivating piece of cinematography that I loved, there was a quote, that really seemed to make a point, of a topic that has been buzzing about my brain for the last week or so.

Alfred, to Bruce as he has become a shell of a man after 8 years since the death of Rachel. “You’re not living.  You’re just waiting, hoping for something bad to happen.”

Lots of people think that my optimistic, hopeful attitude is something that comes easily, naturally to me.  Rewind about 6 or 7 years ago.  I was severely depressed.  And not the “feeling blue, crying a lot” depression.  I was suicidal.

I. Had. A. Plan.

I will never forget, calling up a friend, one night.  It was late, Hubster and I weren’t married, but we lived together.  I couldn’t face him, tell him what I needed him to know.  I told this friend she had to call Hubster, and tell him to put trigger locks on all the guns in the house.

I don’t feel that I need to go into the rhyme and reason that I got to that place.  The point is, I reached out for help.

I have been in the ALI blogging community for over a year.  And in that year I’ve had a lot of highs and lows.  Shed tears, laughed hard.  Learned a lot.  One thing I have come to realize is that there are some people out there, that will never be happy.  Never truly live.  You could give them everything that want (including a baby) and more, all the financial, clinical, mental help and they would not stop being depressed.  Because they do not truly want to get better.  They just want to keep hoping for the next bad thing to happen.

I made a decision, all those years ago, that I didn’t want to be in that bad place.  It took a long time, and a lot of really difficult and painful work, to take the necessary steps to get better.

It. Was. Not. Easy.

But the fact is that, I make a choice, every day, to wake up and be hopeful and optimistic.   To not allow fear to dictate my choices.

There are some people in the ALI community that are addicted to being fearful, bitter, angry, and pessimistic.  They choose to spew venomous thoughts in themselves and on their blogs.  I’m not talking about the bad days, that we all have.  The days, or weeks, or occasional months that we are exhausted with the battle, overwhelmed, and need a break.  I am talking about people who a year ago were putting out hate towards anyone who was somehow lucky enough to win a break in the hell that is infertility, and build their family.  And people who are still, a year later, targeting those lucky few.  We all know what misery loves.  But at some point, there has to be some effort to get better, instead of being content to stay sick.  Or worse, actually hoping for bad things to happen.

I don’t know what the answer is.  I don’t really think there is one.  As long as people don’t want to get better, don’t want to go through the incredibly difficult process that is healing, they will remain where there are at.  The devastating thing is when they choose to spread that hate around, inciting those who may have been neutral to give in to the darkness and the bitterness.

My prayers go out to those people, because it is the only action I know to take.  The next time you are feeling like you have been dealt the worst hand possible, and think everyone around you has it so easy, take some time to remember that everyone has some darkness, some pain, something in their past that they have endured.  Perhaps they have just done a lot of work to move forward.


4 responses to this post.

  1. You know what? This was really brave – for a lot of reasons. Firstly, I am really sorry you got to that very, very bad place. I empathize with you there. Reaching out at that point is the hardest thing a person can do. Good for you. This is harder than the shift you go on to describe.

    As to the other points – I know what you mean. I have seen the horrible comments, and seen them get excused with “she is in the dark place of IF” which is a subtle way of not requiring responsibility for our actions and their consequences for the recipient of said comment. Furthermore, I can also relate to endless negativity on some blogs. And while they are places to work that stuff out, in some cases, you get the sense that this will just never lift. Like you said, I sincerely hope that person makes a shift and begins to heal, but in the meantime, eventually I* have to make the decision not be weighed down by it anymore. Now, when it begins to wear on me like that, I make the decision to unfollow that person. For me – for my well-being.

    I love your last thought. And excellent reminder.


  2. Thanks SRB. Sometimes I never know when I post something, how people will take it. I’m lucky in that I have lots of really great readers, and haven’t had many people come over here and post mean spirited things directly at me, but I know what’s out there. Your comment really means a lot to me.


  3. Welcome to PAIL! I completely relate. I didn’t start blogging until after having my first miracle child, so dealing with starting a blog after repeated pregnancy loss/IF, but going for #2, meant that I didn’t fit in anywhere. I wasn’t a normal mommy blogger, but the IF world didn’t want me because I had one child. Thankfully some really wonderful women embraced me anyway, and I can’t begin to say how thankful I am for their friendship! Anyway, I’m a giant old fatty and I still looked pregnant, so don’t worry! Although I know the feeling of “hallelujah! they know I’m pregnant!” that you felt. I was about 280 when I got pregnant this last time, quite a bit larger than you… and here’s a picture of me full term. If I look pregnant, then you definitely will! 🙂


    • You look beautiful! I think that wearing official “maternity” clothes made a big difference in making me look pregnant – you’re picture is so wonderful! I’m sorry you had a rough time finding a place in this community, but so excited to get to meet you through PAIL 😀


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