Living Between Two Extremes

I’m in the midst of my third ten-hour shift in a row, mixed in with insomnia. Needless to say, as the woman I care for is napping in her chair I really wish I could nap too!

This morning my alarm went off at 5:45, probably the first time it has gone off that early since I lost my job at the clinic! Bleary eyed and exhausted I somehow got up, dressed, walked the dogs and made it to the airport to pick up Hubster before heading into work. I’m so glad he is home!!!

I’ve been thinking about how thus pregnancy has been going. Officially 17 weeks… Some days it feels like it was just yesterday that I took that HPT, and I think “I can’t believe I’m already 17 weeks!”… Then there are some days where it feels like it was ages ago that we took that test, because so much has changed in our life, mostly because I lost my job at the clinic. And I think “I can’t believe I’m only 17 weeks!”.

There are days that the next 23 weeks feels like an eternity, and I can’t imagine actually crossing that finish line, giving birth and getting to meet this kiddo that’s percolating inside of me. And then there are other days where the 23 weeks looks like it is going to pass in the blink of an eye and the list of everything to get done is completely overwhelming.

And besides some tangible checklist, I am intensely aware that our life is going to change. Irreversibly, irrevocably change. Forever. And it is exciting and joyful – but also kind of scary! Because change is always a little scary, I know it will never be like it is now. What exactly is going to be different? What will be the same? Am I going to be a good mom? My OCD mind, that likes hyper-planning everything has a mini heart attack because it simply cannot plan and anticipate what it all is going to look like.

The truth is that the vast majority of my time is spent not freaking out. I’m usually in some place in between the two extremes, more than content to take this one day at a time, trusting God to take care of us. But I can’t deny that there are times I am struck by how looooong this is all taking… As well as how fast it’s flying by!

But mostly I’m just very aware of how very, very exhausted I am!

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