When you can’t decide between two paths, why not try both?

So Hubster and I have come to a place where we can’t decide. Pursue fertility assistance or adoption? And instead of making a hard and fast decision we are kind of trying… Both? And leaving it in God’s hands, if anything or nothing happens.

Way back when, I did a smattering of research about adoption. Domestic vs foreign. Open vs closed. And we tend to have some vague opinions about it all, seeing both pros and cons with every alternative. Along the way I got on a handful of adoption agencies mailer lists, and have never bothered to get off them. One in particular offers a pre-application at no charge. So we can see if we qualify (doubtful) without spending a lot of money just to be denied. We decided in a stroke of enthusiasm last night to “quickly fill it out”.

The thing is all of 6 pages, most of which is “fill in the box” type items. Names, numbers, what country do you want, what approximate things are you looking for in you child such as age range or gender. I thought it would take 30 minutes, tops.

….

I’m an idiot.

There is some tough stuff on there! What disabilities are you comfortable with (if any)? Total assets? (Um, we rent. And living on a single income. That’s not a very impressive number). Then came: Total Debt. Uhhh… Between the credit cards, car loan, student loan, and old medical bills now in a smattering of collections agencies… Well, we couldn’t decide what that number was off the top of our head. But I’m sure that once we do… We’re not going to be looking like such a hot commodity to this adoption agency.

Then there are the health questions. Yes I dealt with depression and anxiety and saw a therapist. And yes, 4 years ago Hubster had 2 seizures – but nothing since then! Oh, and I do wear glasses and had my wisdom teeth and gallbladder out, and Hubster is blind in his left eye. But none of these are things that are current issues or handicaps in our day to day lives! And I don’t even know where to get medical records on some of it, it was so long ago. Do they make you pull out every doctor record you’ve ever had in your whole life???

But I also know that if we try and are denied we will finally have at least some kind of answer, right? I will have a retort for all the tactless acquaintances who throw “just adopt” in my face, right? And if we are approved, then we can start gathering papers and stuff together in case the IUIs don’t work, so we won’t be starting at square 1 of adopting….

Right?

I’m excited and nervous, thrilled and sad all at the same time.

What if the IUIs don’t work AND we are not approved?

That’s the super scary question I just keep trying to avoid in all of this.

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10 responses to this post.

  1. If we didn’t move about so much I’d see about filing for adoption right now. However, I know quite well that when my husband returns and the fact that we’ve already been here for three years, we could leave soon. I hope that you get pregnant soon and that you also get approved for adoption.

    Reply

    • I’m sure there is a way that adoption agencies work with military families. Maybe by choosing an agency with offices across the country you could more seamlessly pick up where you left off in you previous location?
      Really, I don’t need to be both pregnant and approved for adoption (at least not at the the same time!), but it would be really wonderful if one or the other would work out.

      Reply

  2. Good luck with the pre-application. We’ve also talked about adoption, but haven’t gone into a lot of detail or research yet. I also like the idea of foster adoption, although there’s the potential for more heartache there, too. Either way, I hope you guys get your baby!

    Reply

    • Thanks Daryl. Hubster and have thrown around the adoption idea… well ever since we started trying to get pregnant in the first place! We both have had several family/friends growing up who were adopted, and so it’s something we were open to from the very beginning, but for many reasons had kept on the back burner.

      I think mostly we just want to try and get more information so we can feel like we can have a more realistic idea of what adoption would take, what it would look like.

      Reply

  3. Posted by babycrazykiwi on February 25, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    I think adoption is so daunting when you really start looking into it. All the paperwork, the visits etc etc and here less than 100 babies a year are adopted so its long odds even if you are approved. I would honestly love to adopt however right now I can’t see us pursuing all that background stuff. All the best with whatever you choose. Hopefully you fall pregnant and your dreams come true!

    Reply

    • It really is so overwhelming. I think that’s why Hubster and I have put it off for so long… but I’m hoping that if I can just look at it as one thing at a time, it wont feel so overwhelming. And certainly right now there is no rush to be approved for a baby RIGHT NOW. Any mental timeline we have is fairly fuzzy at this point, we’re just trying to be mindful that the longer we procrastinate getting this information together, the longer it could take for us to adopt if that is what we end up doing.

      Reply

  4. Posted by Margaret on February 25, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    Yes, adoption is spendy. More importantly. Though, you say you’re going to put your trust in God but seem to not want to accept that his answer might be “no.” Trust in Him means actually being willing to accept that whatever the answer is, it is for our good – even when it’s not what we wanted. ((hugs))

    Reply

    • I hear what you’re saying. And certainly it is important to avoid being hasty, or completely overruled by our passions. After about 6 months of pursuing our family being on the back-burner, the idea of finally having the ability to consider it again is fairly exciting, and at times brings overwhelming emotions. I would say that at the heart of this, is a desire to consider all our options and see where God leads. We are well aware that God may in fact be saying no, and will never say yes. That doesn’t mean hearing that would be (or ever is) easy. All I can hope is that whatever happens, we will have the support we will doubtlessly need from our friends and family. Due to a kind of constant business I realize I have neglected to share on my blog some of the numerous conversations we have had with our priest about our hopes for a family, and I don’t think I went into great detail of the prayers he said on the 19th, particularly because by the time I posted about it I had found myself in less-then-optimistic place.

      Reply

  5. Posted by slcurwin on February 25, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    I’m all about the middle side. This seems to fit that perfectly. Best to try for both.

    Reply

    • My hope is that by being open to any option, it will help us to feel more casual about it. As Hubster stated as I asked him about his thoughts and feelings about the long list of adoption options: “I don’t really care, as long as we get a baby.”

      That’s why this blog is Pursuing Parenthood. We hope to enjoy the journey, whichever path it takes, but we also recognize the goal is a baby, a family.

      It may not be what we pictured when we started, or even what we picture now. So as much as possible we’re trying to avoid a picture…. does this even make any sense anymore? It makes sense in my head but it’s coming out all weird lol.

      Reply

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