Table of One? Pity Party, Table of One?

Today, after our normal morning service at church, our priest performed a quick (or, quick for an Orthodox church; we tend to be long-winded lol) prayer for Hubster and I, complete with anointing us with oil.  This holy oil streams from an icon of  the Theotokos (Mary, mother of Christ) in Syria, that women travel from all over the world to this ikon to pray for fertility assistance.  (Even non-Orthodox women, including Muslim women go to venerate this icon)  It was very touching to Hubster and I to have Father J. take the time and utilize what I can only assume must be an expensive and precious item on us.

The bliss of the moment was snagged though when I realized that a couple in the church is pregnant with their first child.  Here’s the thing: in our parish, the majority of people are either older or younger than us.  Until today there was only one other couple who was our age and didn’t have kids. And now they are pregnant.  We are the last mid-20’s couple who do not have kids.  There are older couples who do not have children (one that I know of who was hit hard with infertility) and then there are single people our age… but we stand alone as the young-should-be-fertile-couple-without-kids.

Just the other night I admitteded to Hubster amidst tears that I fear that by the time we have kids, all the current children will be too old to play with them, so our kids will grow up in the church without friends their age.  It seems silly, but the vision of our children feeling alone and friendless at church breaks my heart.

Obviously, Hubster made the point that our church is rapidly growing, and the likelyhood of our kids being totally alone is rather unrealistic.

And the couple who announced their pregnancy today; I want to be happy for them, without also being sad for us.  I don’t know their story, they may have struggled for this pregnancy.  But there was something nice about some kind of solidarity of another childless couple.

I know that any children in our future is in God’s hands.  And for the most part that is very comforting.  To know that someone so much smarter and stronger than I has a plan.  I know I need to let the hurt and pain go. Being sad and bitter doesn’t get me anywhere.  I don’t like being sad and bitter.  But I can’t help feeling like every time I turn around everyone around me is getting pregnant.

But I may just nom down on a second bowl of peanut-butter-chocolate-ice-cream, and get to bed early, maybe cry a little…. and then go into work tomorrow and put this pity party behind me.


4 responses to this post.

  1. I don’t like being sad and bitter, either, but sometimes it just sneaks up on you, especially with pregnancy announcements. There seem to be a lot of those going around lately. I hope tomorrow is a better day (and, as far as I’m concerned, you can’t go wrong with ice cream–especially peanut butter and chocolate)!


  2. Posted by babycrazykiwi on February 19, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    I have that same fear especially now my friends are starting on number 2 babies. I feel like by the time I get started they’ll be finished with it and onto the next hurdle of life. Then there’s the wanting to feel happy without all the baggage. So hun hugs from me because I understand how you’re feeling. Hope the ice-cream is nommy and tomorrow is better xxx


  3. A couple of years ago, our congregation started or attempted to start a lot of small groups. And each group was primarily defined by where they were in relation to their children. Young adults, Young Marrieds, Singles, Parents of young children, Parents of Teens, Empty Nesters. As a married couple in our mid/late-30s without children, we were once again reminded that we just didn’t fit. I tried to explain this to our pastor at the time, but she just didn’t see why we couldn’t just join a group ‘where we would feel most comfortable’.

    Those moments of envy still come, even now, for me. When I hear about someone getting pregnant quickly or unexpectedly, I feel that flash of jealousy. You are human, don’t get down on yourself for feeling human emotion. Allow yourself to feel it, but not to wallow in it. ((hugs))


  4. It always seems like everyone else about us is fertile. SO annoying!


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