Getting Back in the Game

Today is Cycle Day 1.

I was caught totally unprepared at work.  Thank goodness most of my coworkers are women, and were able to find a stash of items to help me out.

It’s strange to think that somehow over the last several months I have completely lost track of my cycle.

A part of me wonders what has become of me.  “Who are you, and what have you done with the fertility obsessed Bleeding Tulip?”

We in ALI blogs often talk about the importance of “keeping busy” in order to handle the depression, obsession, and paranoia that accompany our experiences.  I think I realized that it is more than ubiquitous “busyness” that is needed to reclaim our mental health.  It is a pursuit of of the things worth living for.  (Yes, yes, imagine I said that like Miracle Max.  Ahhhhhh… Princess Bride…)  The things that will be important even after a child comes into the picture, and are important if a child never does come into the picture.  The things that define who we are; what our life means.

I have felt so guilty, abandoning the blogosphere.  But as much as I thought about, and hoped everyone was doing well, I just couldn’t motivate myself to sit down and read about infertility and babies.  Because there was a point where that was ALL I thought about.  No matter what else was going on, no matter how important or meaningful my surrounding tangible events were.  I was losing who I was to this disease.  Even as I had a smile on my face, and carried on normal conversations, my brain was constantly returning to ALI topics.  And it hurt.  I was basically becoming a masochist.  I hated the pain, depression, obsession… but I couldn’t let it go either. I thought “If I let this go for a month, 1 month will turn into 6 months; and 6 months will turn into 1 year; and 1 year will turn int 5 or 10 or 20 and I can not live with never having children!”

I didn’t let it go contentiously.  It was more just a product of throwing myself into the important things.  The things worth living for.  I dug deep into my faith, pushed myself to excel in my career field, and got back to a sense of normalcy in my marriage.  In many ways I even had some distance from important friends and family members, and I pursued my sense of self.  (Not that I was thinking “I am pursuing my sense of self!” in the midst of it all.  I basically was thinking “I’m focusing on what is important right now in order to be healthy.”)

I had a really great (albeit busy!) holiday season.  Two Thanksgivings (One with my mom, one with my dad), 3 Christmas’s (Mom and cousins, Hubster, and Dad), and a negligable New Year (The Dark Knight watched at home, in bed before midnight, worked the next day).  But all the events were laid back, without a lot of fanfare or formality, and that fit in just fine with what I needed.

So much of this has been about pursuing all around health.  Body, Mind, Soul.  Lowering certain expectations so that my stress level could become more manageable.

So back to the beginning of my post.  Cycle Day 1.  In a lot of respects, getting my period completely unexpected made me realize how far I have come.  It was a gory red mess of a symbol that I am in a much better head-space.  Next month my insurance will start (along with other great benefits of my job!) and we will begin the process of trying again.  I’ll make an appointment with a general practitioner, find out what will be covered (if anything), and start the insurance-hoop-jumping-game.  But I am going to do it so differently that I did the last time.  I will do it so much healthier than last time.  And I will do it with a real sense of what is important.  Of who I am, and how important it is I don’t lose that along the way.

Because the fact is, there is a chance that this wont work.  And that, for some unknown reason, adoption wont work.  And Hubster and I will need to be able to be able to survive that.

New Year.  New Head-Space.  I’m coming back in the game, and will be getting back to reading blogs, but I know I wont be doing it to the degree I once did.  I want to support you guys, and I know I will need support too.  I just know I also need to play with the dogs, watch movies with my husband, pray in church, study up on the newest medicine in my field.  I finally feel balanced.

Please know I have thought of you all, and I dearly sincerely hope nobody felt hurt or abandoned.


3 responses to this post.

  1. It’s hard to say welcome back, when I too have been MIA for quite some time. But welcome back, anyway! 😉 Hoping that this part of your journey is shorter than anticipated! Happy New Year!


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