Can Someone Tell Me How To Live My Life?

On December 14th, it will officially have been  3 months since Hubster’s indiscretion.

On one hand, it feels like the who event happened so long ago.  It seems like it was a year or two ago, not three months.  I’m proud of the way we both handled it.  We reached out for help.  Whether it be via blogging, our Priest, a counselor – we didn’t try to go it alone.

but really, the whole things just feels so long ago.

On the other hand, the time has passed quickly.  I thought the three months would really drag out, but between job hunting, The Job From Hell, more job hunting, The Awesome Job, keeping busy with church, attempted weight loss, our dogs and kitten, and the general chaos that is Hubster working for a temp agency, the time has gone by a lot faster than I had expected.

So, three months later, where are we at?

Marriage: Doing good!  We have great days where we are totally in sync.  Hubster helps out around the house, I work, and it all flows.  We have days where we can’t seem to get on the same page, one or the other of us is grumpy.  But we still crawl into bed together, cuddle, and fall asleep together.  We send lots of sappy text messages throughout the day. 🙂

Job: So far, so good 🙂  Still fine-tuning my training, because when I was first hired there was a lot going on and I didn’t get as much training as I should have, but things are calming down so my trainer has the time to give.  I got to do quite a bit of training on Saturday, and I feel that we made some good ground in the day.

Weight Loss: …. ugh.

I have lost about 30 lbs.  I’m weighing in about 220lbs.  Now, in roughly 3 months, I know that’s not bad.  However, the first 15-20 came off really easily.  And the last bit has been so hard.  I’m losing motivation because I hit this plateau about a month back.  Just feeling defeated.  I think that the medication for my appetite is messing with my sense of taste.  Foods that I normally love, have a weird psuedo-sour-bitter after taste.  I am beyond bored with the special protein bars and shakes from my doctor.  I tried to buy some new protein “chips” and “cookies”, but I have to tell you guys, they taste like ass.  I have been VERY hungry, and tried to eat them, and would rather sit and be hungry that put that crap in my mouth.  But if I don’t eat, I don’t maintain my metabolism, and I don’t lose weight.

Not eating would be easier than this frequent-eating nonsense.

So, what should I do?  Assuming that Hubster clears the HIV test on the 14th as we assume he will, we were planning to try and get pregnant by ourselves until my insurance kicks in, in February.  But I had wanted to get below 200 lbs before we started trying again.  Well, there’s a good 20 lbs between me and that goal, and it’s not budging.  Do I stick to my guns, and hold off on baby-making attempts until I’ve lost the weight?  I worry that will never happen… and then I cry.  And get depressed.  And when I get depressed that last thing I feel motivated about is losing weight.

I feel pretty confidant that taking Phentermine and attempting to get pregnant at the same time is a no-no.

Of course the odds of me getting pregnant without medical assistance isn’t making me think I really need to worry about it. (I’ve been half-assed charting my BBT for my acupuncturist.  Nothing has changed since when I was first charting 2 1/2 years ago.)

I also found out that the insurance my job offers… sucks balls.  Group Health.  I’ve never heard good things about programs like this.  For those of you in other countries or who have never heard of this insurance company, they have their very own Group Health Clinics.  You get no choice in who you see.  The only way to see a specialist is to get a referral from a doctor at the Group Health Clinic.  A quick internet search confirmed that they have their own infertility specialists.  Which means that the doctor I researched, met, and loved … will not be covered.  They may even throw out all my history of infertility and want me to start back over from day 1, and have to wait a “year of unsuccessful pregnancy attempts” before they allow me to see a fertility specialist.  Which means I will very likely end up paying for fertility treatments 100% out of pocket.

I am willing to bet my weight-loss specialist wont be covered either.

At least I could go and get an annual physical without having to pay for that, right?

I’m so sick of this skinny girls complaining about wanting to lose 5 pounds.  Are you kidding me?!?!  I just want to slap every one of them.  Of course they look down on me with derision, that I did this to myself.  And it IS my fault that I got to this point, I know that.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I find those size-6-ers annoying.

I’m just bitter and frustrated all around, hu?

So ladies, what are your thoughts?  Should we try?  Should we wait?  Anyone have some good, easy, high-protein recipe ideas for food that aren’t expensive? Anyone have experience with Group Health that could advise me on what to expect?


3 responses to this post.

  1. Why, yes! I’d love to 🙂 Just remember… you asked!

    Buy this book and read it. It’s funny and easy to read and gives you a great foundation for eating. She sets up a plan for eating, and you comete with others to lose weight. It’s actually pretty fun, and by having someone else do it with you there becomes a competition and accountability. If you can’t find someone IRL to do it with you, count me in!

    As for group health, they won’t start you on day one. They’ll want to know all of your medical history regardless of who your carrier was. You’ll just have to jump through the hoops to get to a specialist but then they’ll begin treatment I’m sure.

    I say start trying. Isn’t this cruel universe more likely to make it happen when you really shouldn’t be trying anyways?? Gotta take advantage of that!


    • I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to reply! I looked the book up, it sounds really interesting! Of course with the craziness of the holidays I don’t think I’ll be able to get it until the New Year, but it ALWAYS helps to have a buddy in weight loss!


  2. I don’t have any advice on weight loss. There were a couple of times in my life where I lost like 20 pounds, but all of these occurrences were unplanned: Wisdom teeth extraction (couldn’t eat anything for 2 weeks). Divorce (lost appetite for 2 or 3 months). Something else… All I can say – don’t stop! You’ve made such a good progress!

    And I am VERY happy to hear that things are good between you and your husband. I know a few families that survived “indiscretion”. Happily survived it, that is – looking at them today, you’d never guess.

    And the job is good…

    All in all – life is good enough for you to happily focus on your motherhood goal. I don’t know why, but I think it will work out, too. I believe that fertility specialists are as important as your own emotional and physical state – and yours seems to be awesome!


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