Grrrr…. Arg.

As much as I am still loving my job, I have to admit to a few “growing pains”.

When I was working nights, Hubster and I had only a couple of days together, and during the days I worked we were pretty much ships passing in the night. As cruddy as it was, it lent both of us to live more “independent” lives, instead of a shared life that is a marriage. So now we are trying to get back to sharing and I’m finding myself… Frustrated.

We both are working long days (10+ hour shifts) of physically demanding jobs. We both cone home tired, we don’t want to cook, we don’t want to do the dishes, we don’t want to clean. Now, I realize I’ve only gotten through half my week, but I see a pattern emerging that I want to nip in the butt before it becomes the “norm”. So we come home, equally tired, yet I would say that I am the one planning, preparing, and cleaning up after 90% of the meals.

That is really frustrating.

It’s been like that for most of our relationship, but most of our relationship I haven’t worked full time. Actually, I don’t think I have ever really worked full time in the 8 years we have been together, certainly not in the 4 years we have been married. So it made sense for those duties to fall to me. But I really think that it’s unfair now, and that Hubster needs to step up in making some of our dinners. Because the fact is I don’t JUST do dinners. I spent quit a bit of time making hard boiled eggs, peeling them and mixing up a big batch of egg salad after he spent a lot of time complaining about hating his cold-meat sandwiches.

Today I had off and I spent the ENTIRE morning spraying, scrubbing, mopping and wiping down our bathroom. I had plans to do more afterwards but I just ran out of steam. I know I shouldn’t get too picky in comparing who-does-what, but I don’t know the last time he really cleaned the bathroom. So I decided to sit down and catch up on some of my favorite shows via On Demand. But that just made me realize how much of our shared tv time is spent watching stuff that he chooses. For example, he enjoys Pa.wnStars. This is not a show I would sit and watch on my own but I don’t mind watching an episode or two with him. I don’t carry on about how lame I think it is, instead I try to find something to like about it, to laugh at the weird comments etc. The 2 shows I have really tried to watch when he is around, he makes condescending comments and basically makes me feel like a moron for enjoying them.

Nice.

I know I’m not easy to live with. With my period around the corner I’m moody as hell and having a rather short temper as of late. I cry and yell and often leave my laundry on the floor and my makeup spread all over the bathroom counter. So I’m sure he could write a similar blog post about all my frustrating idiosyncrasies, but this is my blog thus I get to talk about my point of view. 🙂

I also know he is currently sick. And I’m such a needy baby when I’m sick, I really try to think about how to cut him some slack.

But some of this has nothing to do with today, but more to do with pet peeves from our relationship as a whole.

Who always changes the sheets? Who keeps track of placing the special order at the local holistic pet store when we are at about a weeks worth of dog food left? Who sits down with the laptop and pays the bills? Who gets up extra early to walk the dogs before leaving for work? Who always cleans the litter box? Who is the one who usually notices when the pets water dish is empty? Who takes out the trash and recycling? (there was a point where something in the trash really smelled… After a week I stopped waiting to see when he would investigate and just took it out myself)

I had tried to suggest a “chore chart” at one point, and even made up an excel spreadsheet of everything that needs to get done, and tried to ask Hubster which things were his least/most favorite, or how he would like to rotate… His reply? “I hate chore charts, it makes me feel like a kid. This won’t work, nothing will work”

Awesome. Guess I’ll just do it all then, hu?

Ya. Feeling MORE then a little frustrated. It would be one thing if he was still the only one working full time, but he’s NOT. As much as I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home-mom (or stay-at-home-infertile!) the fact is that I am NOT.

So buck up and help out around here!!!!

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12 responses to this post.

  1. Oh dear me, sounds a bit like my married life too, not trying to compare but several of my friends also have similar marriages too.
    For example: Last weekend of October I was on bed rest. My spouse finally found out what it is like to take care of himself and do all the house work I would normally do in a day. He was exhausted. I tried to not be smug but I did say to him, “and you had the audacity to say that I did nothing around here?”. He learned.
    Though I am now disabled and no longer work I used to work and he had a different job all those years ago from what he does now. I well remember being tired after work and having to cook, do dishes, get the groceries and pay the bills. The only thing that has changed is me working.
    Eventually your spouse will have to compromise too. As for the tv shows I think its a guy thing because mine does the same too. He makes me so uncomfortable when I try to watch a program I want. He’ll try to hold a conversation with me through the whole show and during commercials he shuts up. So annoying.

    Reply

    • Oh that last bit made mr laugh! We have a similar problem where he will try to start up conversations while I’m watching tv and I get irritated. I’ve learned to either pause or mute what I’m watching because I can’t concentrate on both him and the tv, and if I ask him to talk to me later he gets hurt that “the tv is more important”.

      It really is nice to know I’m not alone and this is just normal marriage stuff. I think sometimes when problems come up I jump to a place of “are we the most messed up couple or what?!” so it’s good know we are not 🙂

      Reply

  2. I think much of what you’re experiencing is normal… we all are guilty of getting stuck in a rut of who does what, and taking those things for granted. My Beloved was very similar in regards to cooking, and I would get very frustrated. It turns out that he wasn’t confident in his cooking abilities and was afraid I would think less of him. I started planning simple meals for the nights that he would be cooking, and I would leave him step by step instructions. Yes, it was a little more work initially on my part, but ultimately we both ended up winning.

    Just my little bit of assvice (and you can take it or leave it)… Plan to talk to him, but not when you’re pms-ing. Map out two or three things that you want to work on together, not every little thing that’s driving you nuts. Let him know how his not helping out affects you, and how it makes you feel about him. And when he does step up and do something to help out, try not to criticize if/when he doesn’t do it up to your standards (my Beloved’s idea of clean is far different from mine, but I live with it because he’s actually doing something). And don’t forget to say thank you. Feeling appreciated goes both ways.

    I hope that this helps a bit. Sending hugs your way.

    Reply

    • Thanks so much. I do try to make a point of noticing and thanking him for what he does do, but I’m sure I’m not as good at it as I could be. And it’s so true that I shouldn’t blow up at him when I know I’m overreacting. Another area where I’m not as good as I could be.

      We had talked the other day how for the last week or so we have just been in this weird place, where he’s joking but I get offended, and then I try to joke and he gets offended. Just out of sync, and I don’t really know how to get us back on the same page. I really do love him!

      Reply

  3. Ya, when I started back to work full time last week and Hubby was at home all day with Monster, I STILL had to come home and make dinner and clean up. That didn’t fly with me. I gave him one day when he was sick and we ordered in pizza but I was ticked about it the rest of them. His “I forgot to pull anything out to defrost” or “it didn’t even occure to me” wasn’t helping. He honestly is getting better in the last year for helping around the house in bits, but now that I’m back to work, he’s going to actually have to help out a lot more. I think he’s in for a big surprise.

    Part of me wonders if he’ll ever start to stress me out on purpose because he knows I’m a stress cleaner, lol.

    Reply

  4. At night when getting ready for bed, start asking him the question “So tomorrow, are you taking care of feeding us or cleaning XYZ?” Ask as if it’s the most normal question in the world. That it’s expected he do one or the other. Just have one chore in line for every day and every night ask the question “who’s feeding us and who’s doing the chore?”

    But I would recommend keeping the bill paying to yourself. That’s one that if it slips through the cracks, there are major repercussions.

    As for the tv, I totally get that. I don’t let anyone see my ipod because I’m always nervous about what conclusions people will make about me based on my music choices. I like Lady Gaga! And if Little House on the Prairie is the only thing on during the day, I’ll watch it and enjoy it. Don’t judge me!

    Reply

    • Alex, you rock my socks off 🙂
      I think that’s a really good idea, and it helps me to know what to expect. It’s all about managing expectations sometimes!

      I have a serious weakness for all things supernatural. Once Upon A Time, Grimm, Supernatural, Buffy and Angel… Not to mention True Blood and Twilight! But then there is my artsy side that loves Project Runway and Americas Next Top Model… As for music my tastes run all over the map. Lady Gaga to Josh Groban, Miranda Lambert to Filter… The only music I really don’t like us reggae. You’re in good company here! Speaking of which, have you gotten my emails? About trying to meet up again? My iPhone doesn’t like commenting on blogger accounts, so I’ve been reading but not commenting, thinking if you!!!

      Reply

  5. Ahhhh, this post is so familiar to me. McRuger and I have been through the same thing (not that it makes it easier, but still…). When we first started fostering children, he had this expectation that life (for him) would be pretty much the same as it has always been…just there was a child/baby in the house. We had some pretty ugly discussions about it. After I broke down in tears and told him that I needed HELP, did he understand what I was going through. Now, he’s wonderful. He does dishes, takes the night-shift, washes bottles, and even takes out the garbage. He just needed to hear what I needed (not what I wanted).

    Good luck to you! I hope that Hubster comes around soon. Heck, maybe soon, you can get him to have pedicures like McRuger!

    Reply

  6. Ha. I know this landscape too, and its fucking frustrating.Trying to look at it as two different sets of values, and I am one end of the spectrum and he is the other. I also think men have a sort of blindness, or just don’t care as much about things like food being left out to spoil, maggots growing in the bin etc.
    Sometimes it has turned into a battle of wills, where I am literally biting my lip not to say anything (as thats the nagging card, begging to be played). And I know there are some men who are cleaner than their women (partners/whatever) but they’re not the one’s we are talking about, obviously!. I see it as a lack of thought, they’re overfocused on the important things to right there and then, whereas this is where the proverbial multitasking woman can look at a room and know INSTANTLY what needs to be done.

    Re the meals, I really found the meal-plan being done – before we go shopping – has been invaluable. I still get, every so often “what we eating for tea?”. Yeah. Go look at the cupboard door, like I would have to!
    Whoever prepares the meal doesn’t do the tidying up afterwards, although there will still be shit in the plughole and the empty cartons of milk overlooked and left to stink. Also found biting down my initial RARRGGH and “asking nicely” with sugarplumcandyfloss in my mouth (and venom in my head) works better than ‘When the fuck were you going to bother doing the dishes?’

    We usually clean properly every 2 weeks. This works for us. Of course ‘someone’ is usually picking up in the meantime, but knowing that there is going to be a proper clean at least fortnightly helps me not despair that I’m doomed to live in a shit tip forever. And one thing that we always do is make sure we both do the cleaning at the same time – so one person isn’t cleaning and going GRRRRR while someone else sits on the couch and watches tv (except we don’t have a tv, so you know what I mean). One does the bathroom the other does the kitchen. One hoovers the other mops. Its not concrete. Do it at the same time, so you’re both “in this together”. Yes this is quite often our Sunday and our day “together’, but you know? A sparkling home=sparkling and relaxed wifey.
    No idea about the TV dilemma but frankly? He sounds fucking rude there. Short of 2 tv’s separate rooms and sky multiroom, its going to have to be about respect and compromise

    Reply

    • I have a feeling this is just something that’s going to take time… and it’s never going to be perfect. That said, I did come home to a VERY clean apartment this evening. I guess we all just have days where we get the itch to clean, and today was his day 🙂

      As far as the TV goes, it also is a work in progress. Most of the time we can find a compromise just fine. Occasionally I watch something I love and I know he doesn’t like, and vic versa. There are times where it feels like one person is getting “their way” more than the other person, but I’m sure it goes both ways.

      Reply

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