Floating Along

You ladies have no idea how all your comments impact me.

They remind me of how important and vital it is to focus on what is important, and what is not.  What are my boundaries, and what I am willing to compromise on.

I took today as a bit of what I call a “cheat” day, or a “me” day.  I decided to eat what I wanted (within reason, I had pasta for dinner, and chocolate for dessert, and I’m not going to step on the scale tomorrow morning and I’m not going to feel guilty about it.) and basically allow myself the space to feel my emotions and take care of myself.  I haven’t really felt 100% “here” today, I’ve just been letting myself go.

Boundaries:  When my nanny-boss asked me to come in on a variety of days, I stuck to what I felt I could do so I could keep my sanity.  There were a limited number of days/times I had previously committed to, and I felt it was important to stand by what I had already agreed to.  Other then that I gave her one day of the week I felt comfortable that I could offer and maintain time for myself, and for the people that I hold as a priority.  I think she was a bit hurt, but I think it made her realize that she needs to find someone else in an immediate sense.  I do hope we can continue a friendship beyond this, but it’s too soon to tell.  I value friendships, but part of a friendship is two people reaching into the other’s life, and giving support and understanding.  Most of our relationship has been as employer/employee.  There are times a friend might ask me to be somewhere I would decline because I would feel the freedom to decline, but when my boss asks me to be somewhere I do it even if it’s really inconvenient, because she is my boss.  So now we are moving toward a place where I am telling her no, and that’s strange for her.

As for my vet-boss: Many of your suggestions made me smile.  I must admit that if I was a reader of this blog, I would encourage the author to stand up for herself.  But as the person who must actually have the interaction, I know that I will continue to play nice until I can find something else.  This is for two reasons really.  First; I really will stand up to people, but usually because I have hope that the person I am standing up to will change.  I do not think my boss will change.  There is nothing I can say or do that will make him reconsider how he treats me and the rest of the staff.  The only result I can imagine happening is him having an increased dislike for me, and making the rest of my employment there even more miserable, if not straight-out firing me.  Any reference he would provide would be horrific.  I just refuse to waste my breath.  Secondly; if I stand up to him, I know that my co-workers are scared enough of him, they will agree with him.  I will not be heralded as any hero.  They will consider me an idiot for making a bad situation worse.  I will not make the situation better for them, I would only make it more tense and difficult.  If I were to record his rants, and file a complaint of harassment, I know for a fact that NONE of my coworkers would stand up and confirm his ill treatment because they are all too terrified of losing their jobs.  So my plan is to continue applying for new jobs, and in the mean time keep my head down and mind my P’s and Q’s at work.  And keep my panic-attack medication handy.

Oh babies…  I think there were many great things said from you about this.  Alex “If everyone waited until they could afford a baby, the world population would have ceased to exist eons ago. Your body has a baby expiration date. You go for it now and pay the piper later.”  Rebecca “Hopefully you’ll both be at better jobs soon and at least one of you will be offered health insurance.” My dear Stinky 🙂 “I can understand the logical practical reasoning to think you need to wait for trying for kids. I really do. I also know that time IS of the essence, especially if an infertility cause has been identified.” I have to admit that I did not have the energy or focus to bring up the baby discussion with Hubster tonight.  Call it cowardice if you like, but in my mind it was about mental-survival.  As I mentioned previously, I spent as much of today in a space of “me”.  I took the dogs to a local off leash park (it was a perfect fall day, crisp and cool but the sun was shining and the leaves were changing…) I read a book as I walked about with my dogs, nostalgically watching them frolic and play.  And then came home and had a tasty dinner.  The last thing I had the energy for was a deep conversation about important stuff.  I could barely focus to make the dinner and maintain normal chit chat about each others day.  I would much rather wait until my head is screwed on a bit more, and I have the ability to calmly talk without trailing off and forgetting what I was saying.  My assumption is that Hubster does indeed want kids.  Just the other week he was texting me (multiple times in one day) about how he was crying and wanting kids.  I think that because this is not something that will ever be “an accident”, he tends to over-think it. (read: will eternally over-think it until the little squirt is here) Generally he tends to be the more logical and rational one of the two of us, especially when it comes to money, and he is looking at our current situation and can’t see how we can make the numbers work.  I also think that he was raised by parents who really ingrained in him the importance of being practical and rational in his decision-making-process, and it is tough to pursue something as important as having a family, when you know your parents will not support you.  Do I think he needs to grow up, cut the cord, not care so much what his parents think?  Ya.  But I know that is a process, and compared to how things used to be when we were first married, he has come a decent ways.  We all have areas in our lives that are difficult to change, and relationships with parents is a common one.

Our ex-roomie; after having a conversation with my families lawyer, he basically told me that while we stood a good chance of winning in small-claims court, we would have to do it back in Colorado, and would more than likely be more expensive than the $550 we are due.  So over the last 24 hours Hubster and I had put together an email, that we sent off tonight, basically appealing to our ex-roomie that she be an adult and do the right thing.  While I don’t believe in Karma, I do believe that sin has natural consequences, and that if she chooses to make a bad decision somewhere down the line it will come back to bite her in the ass.

Tomorrow I will be going out to Port Orchard.  A bit of paradise, within the fabulousness that is the Pacific Northwest.  My hope is that my time with Polly will help smack me into a clearer head-space while simultaneously refreshing me so that I can face not only a difficult conversation with my husband, but also the fact that the day after I have to go back to work… and the trend seems to be that Saturdays are when my vet-boss is in his worst mood.  Polly is my oldest friend, and after knowing me since 5th grade she often knows me better than I know myself and has a way of phrasing things that can really turn me around.  She makes my heart smile 🙂  even when I want to smack her for being right…

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4 responses to this post.

  1. In the three years that I’ve been living here in WA I’ve yet to get to Port Orchard except to pass through it and even then I’m not exactly sure that I’ve been there or not! LOL. So from a tourist point of view what is there of interest?

    Yes, you do need to start making that baby soon. I’m 42 and well I do have my excuses as to why I had to wait I wish that I hadn’t because of all the extra complications my pregnancy now faces.

    Hopefully soon you’ll get pregnant. Maybe you, me and Alex can all get together some time for decaf tea or coffee?

    Wishing you a new job, with a great boss, and even better benefits soon!

    Reply

    • Hm… Well for me, Port Orchard holds people I know and love. I honestly haven’t done anything super “touristy” there. They do have some easy hiking that I’ve done at Banner Road Forest. The few times I have driven through their “downtown” area there looks to be some cute little shops. There’s the ferry dock to get into Seattle or Vashon Island. For me I just love the small town, rural feel as I drive the winding country roads with forest and small farms on either side. 🙂

      I would LOVE to form a blogger trifecta!!! I usually have Wed-Friday off, maybe we can find a day in November that works? If you like I would be happy to carpool… We’ll have to chat via email. 🙂

      Reply

  2. Posted by babycrazykiwi on October 28, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    I get the hubby thing cos I’m dealing with same kind of stuff here. Says he wants me to tell him when its ‘time’ to get jiggy then holds out. Rah!! Wish I had some helpful advice to help you out but I don’t, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone chick xxx

    Reply

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