Lost For Words.

I can’t get over this feeling that my life is running away with me.

Saturday-Tuesday I’m either at work, or asleep.  And feeling guilty for my lack of interaction with my husband, my dogs, friends and family.  I don’t get to the gym.  I don’t get cleaning done.  I can’t even put my laundry away.  I just don’t have energy for anything, because I’m conserving for work.  I don’t even check into most of the blogs I follow, let alone post anything myself.

On my days off I’m trying to fit in all the things I don’t have time for.  Visiting friends, cooking, cleaning, spending time with Hubster and the dogs… I just feel so overwhelmed.  The woman I nanny for is back in town (she has been gone for about two weeks) and immediately she is begging for me to come over because she hasn’t found a new nanny.  The problem is I see this woman as something of a friend, and I want to help.  And she’s only asking for an hour or two here and there… and yet I’m just so tired.  Most of what she wants me to do is clean, and I have to say, after doing a lot of cleaning at work and trying to keep up on my own home I really have ZERO interest in cleaning someone else’s home, especially as it’s already cleaner than MY house, before I even get there.  It all just seems kind of ridiculous.  I’ve told her I’m working more hours and can’t keep this up, but I just don’t know how to tell her outright “I won’t nanny anymore”.

I realized Saturday night that my boss is a bully.  He verbally harasses his employees.  He’s not interested in educating his employees in how he wants things done.  Instead he much prefers intimidating them, insulting them, yelling and humiliating them into submission.  He mistakes fear for respect.  I’ve put in applications at a few other clinics… it’s just a waiting game until I find something new.  Sunday I had multiple panic attacks as I considered what was waiting for me at work… I even broke out in hives on my legs.  Luckily the last 3 shifts did end up going fairly smoothly, but it’s just a matter of time before he comes in to work in a bad mood looking to yell at us.

And then to top it off, when I started expressing to Hubster how I was impatient for us to be back at a place of trying he had to bring up all the responsible, logical reasons why that is probably a lot further out than December.  Since he hasn’t found a steady job yet.  We don’t have enough income to pay for all our bills AND set some aside to save up for the IUI.  And my job doesn’t come with health benefits.  I just suddenly felt like …. like we’re never going to have children.  We’re never going to have the money for fertility treatments, let alone the costs of adoption (if we even could come to a place of being 100% ready to pursue that option.)  I just feel so helpless and frustrated.  I’m working SO hard to lose weight, and SO hard stick with this shitty job, and the real reasons behind both of them is for the future ability for us to pursue a family.  And what I was thinking was a few months away, he says is years away.


Seriously you guys, I don’t think I can handle years.  Sure, I have my good days where I’m content with not trying right now… but only because I thought I was a few months out from trying!  The fact is that as time goes on, my ability of conceiving and carrying a child is declining.  And I know this as a 26 year old.  It’s not like I’m in my 30’s or 40’s where I might have anticipated infertility.  Nope, I figured out I was infertile at the age of 24.  Not exactly a good sign.

I also got to thinking how much of my infertility is my own fault.  Let me explain.  I used to have incredibly painful periods.  So painful I missed school, I would just lay in bed and cry because the pain was so intense.  I was in college, and I went to my OB and told them I wanted my period to go away, and asked them about the Depoprovera injection.  I asked him (multiple times!) if there was any effect on my future fertility and he told me no.  So I got the injection.  Every three months.  For about two years.  And my periods went away.  And I didn’t writhe in pain every 28 days.  After I got off the injection, I noticed that my periods were never as painful as they once were.  I thought perhaps they had simply gotten better, that I had grown out of it.  When we realized I wasn’t ovulating (even after being off of Depo for quite a while) I asked my doctors if Depo could have caused they and they denied as my doctor had years prior, so I let it go.

But several nights ago I decided to do a little Dr.Google search.  Turns out that forum after forum after forum documented women who had successfully had a child or children, went on Depo, and then afterwards could not conceive again.  Turns out that the makers of Depo have never done a single bit of research on the long term effects of the drug on fertility.  Turns out they did most of their testing on illiterate, uneducated women in Africa who didn’t really know what they were taking.  All those doctors that told me Depo doesn’t effect fertility were full of shit.  The more accurate answer would have been “There has been no studies on the long term effects of this drug on fertility.”  I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut.  I did this to myself.

Stupidly.  Ignorantly.  Naively.

Then this morning I woke up to an email from our old roommate.  Turns out she has decided not to send us our half of the deposit, claiming she spent 11 hours cleaning our half of the house after we left (which we did not ask her to do) and she is “charging” us the going rate of local professional maid services.  This action is sneaky and despicable, and she really doesn’t have any legal weight on her side.  But we do not have a lot of legal weight to help us out either.  We spent the evening debating how to handle it.  Should we contact attorneys?  Should we be the bigger people and let it go?  Neither really leaves me feeling good.  Why can’t she just have been an adult and sent us our half?  I feel violated, that she basically stole $550 from us.

It all just leaves me feeling nauseous and overwhelmed and emotional.  There isn’t enough doggy snuggles to make me feel better at this moment.  I’m just going to sit on the couch and cry and wish I had chocolate in this apartment.

Damn the stupid diet.


24 responses to this post.

  1. i’m reading this and feeling for you, your frustrations, the trying to be practical, logical and doing all of this for your family and then the NO chocolate on top would push me over the edge.
    hang in there 🙂

    PS – Don’t put up with being bullied at work, that’s so unacceptable.
    With your roommate situation you should definitely contact her and respond back saying that’s totally unacceptable and not what was agreed. In Canada we have a free resource centre for renters etc so our first step would be to go there rather than paying for an attorney. not sure if that exists in the USA but maybe search out that alternative?


    • I just may get me a bit o’ chocolate tomorrow. Nothing crazy over-the-top, maybe something in dark chocolate so I don’t feel too guilty…

      The work thing is tough. I’m a people pleaser, so when people get upset (especially when they start yelling) I get all deer-in-the-headlights and just stammer an apology or whatever I can think of to get them to stop yelling. Also, if I stood up to him, I could totally lose my job. And the fact is it’s easier to find a new job while I currently have a job… so I basically tell myself that I’m using my crappy boss to get a new job.

      Unfortunately I don’t know of any free legal aid here in the US, especially since we now live in different states. We left a voice mail with a friend who is a lawyer in Colorado, and hope to hear from him quickly. Tomorrow I will call a lawyer my dad has used and is an old family friend. Neither lawyers may be able to do a lot since the really is that this isn’t the area of their expertise but my hope is they can either point us in the right direction, or agree to send out a letter that will scare our roommate into doing the right thing.


  2. *big sigh* Yeah, this all really sucks.

    I had a boss who promoted me to run a video studio at a different location, but still wanted me to come in and do the office manager work like pay the bills and invoices, even though it meant stopping in at midnight after my other shift was over. I gave her a deadline to replace me 3 solid months in advance when I would be leaving for a month anyway. In other words, I’ll train my replacement but I’m not doing this job when I get back. I was still doing that job when I got back. She finally left the country for a vacation and I hired my own damned replacement. You can’t do the nanny job right now. That’s it, end of story. And she’s going to ask you for another week as a favor until you die. Don’t die, just say no.

    Boss – When it starts, stand up, and take a step closer to him. Even if you end up nose to nose. When he asks what the hell you’re doing, say “You were speaking so loudly, I assumed you wanted my undivided attention and for me to stand closer to ensure that I could hear you. Now that I can hear you, what information would you like to convey? *smile smile* ” You’ll shock the friggin hell out of him and become a hero among the rest of the staff. Frankly, the worst that could happen is he fires you on the spot, and the way the job is affecting your health, that’s not a bad thing. Not to mention stories of your awesomeness would start circulating and you’d find another job that much faster.

    If everyone waited until they could afford a baby, the world population would have ceased to exist eons ago. Your body has a baby expiration date. You go for it now and pay the piper later. Your husband is setting himself up for a divorce. Either you’re going to resent him now while seething as you try to be patient, or a few years from now you’re going to be told that you missed your chance and you’ll hate his guts forever for having wasted your time and potential fertility.

    Hun, he’s drifting in a different direction than you are. The incident was the first step away and now he’s starting to take more steps. You two really need to sit down and determine if you’re going to walk forward together, or if your paths really do head in different directions. Figure that out now. You’ll regret it if you wait 2 years before having that (those) conversation(s).


    • “When it starts, stand up, and take a step closer to him. Even if you end up nose to nose. When he asks what the hell you’re doing, say “You were speaking so loudly, I assumed you wanted my undivided attention and for me to stand closer to ensure that I could hear you. Now that I can hear you, what information would you like to convey? *smile smile* ”

      Brilliant. *stores away for later use*


    • Thank you for putting so much thought into this, we really need to meet up again soon!


  3. Posted by babycrazykiwi on October 27, 2011 at 12:10 am

    Oh hun so much going on!
    1) Sounds like the nanny job needs to go. I think you need to be unfront and tell her that due to your new work commitments you’re unable to continue working for her even if just casually.
    2) I hope you manage to find a new job because that boss doesn’t sound good at all and not healthy for your wellbeing right now.
    3) Is there ever a good time to try for a baby? I’m sorry hubs isn’t on the same page right now.
    4) I totally didn’t know that about Depo!! I guess it just yet again proves my theory that no contraception is good for you. Without knowing it I suffered big time from being on the pill and didn’t know how bad until I came off it and felt a million bucks.

    Um so yeah lol that’s my 20c worth…probably not helpful but just wanted to let you know I get it…
    Take care xx


  4. 😦 first off…Fuck doctors, they are such jerks! You didn’t do this to yourself. They did. By not being informed about the damn drugs they prescribe. Have you tried acupuncture and herbs? Its kinda hippy but it seems to really work. I just started a new herb to help with the new unwelcomed depression and anxiety that came after my chemical pregnancy. You should try it.

    And don’t beat yourself up for your lack of energy. You’re going through a tough time, work being difficult and your husband not working. Let yourself relax when you don’t have to work.

    I hope tomorrow is better than today.


    • I have thought about trying those things… I guess I’m scared that I don’t want to end up with a total quack. There seems to be either really GREAT alternative medicine people, or really BAD ones, and I don’t have anyone out here to recommend someoen to go to and I don’t want to waste money learning the hard way 😦 Any suggestions you might have to weed through them would be great!


      • I know of 2 people in the area you moved to (WA?) who are into that sorta thing, I can ask them if you like? They’re not practitioners but might know someone who is

      • That would be awesome! Yup, I’m in Washington state 🙂
        I’m sure there us some kind of “state of Washington homeopathic association” or something to help me too. I just don’t know where to start.

      • what are you interested in trying? Naturopathy? Acupuncture? Reflexology? What else is there?
        I will ask my sauces

      • Your “sauces”, eh? 😉 are they Alfredo, pesto, or tomato sauces?

        I actually did a bit of digging and found a reputable looking place in my city that dies acupuncture/chinese herbs and besides all the normal acupuncture stuff they also specialist in helping with infertility. I have an appointment for next Friday, so we shall see!

      • I’m so glad you got an appointment with an acupuncturist. Mine specializes in infertility as well and he’s honestly been my strength trhough all this. The herbs seem to really make a difference so I hope you have the same experience. Can’t wait to hear how your appointment goes!

  5. I’m glad you are applying for different jobs. That boss of yours is not acceptable! Can you talk to the other employers, isn’t there any place to report such behaviour? But you need to get out of there or it will drag you down completely.

    About the contraception – how could you know? you couldn’t, right. You asked and trusted that doctor. I would have done the same thing. Not your fault at all.

    Husband – do you want the same thing? I’m with alexmmr here.. I’m sorry but you need to be on the same path. Is it just the economy? or is it something else that makes him want to wait longer?

    Hope the next coming days feels better! Hugs.


  6. Start recording the boss man. There are apps for your phone that can do that. If he asks what you’re doing, just say that clearly what he’s saying is important and you want to be sure you can refer back to it. Either knowing he’s being recorded will shut him up, or you have a collection of evidence for a hostile work environment lawsuit later.


    • agree with this ^^ start making a log of incidents and keep a record. Even if you don’t take it further, someone else might, and this would be an accurate record with dates and times and what was said/yelled.
      Unfortunately, from the majority of what I have seen, the shit really does rise to the top. And its sucks with the ferocity of a Dyson vacuum cleaner, and then some, when you have to work with those fuckers. been there, done that, burnt out. That, ultimately, is the reason I am not working (right now) in the career I trained for.


  7. I never knew that about the Depo shot. I have only ever had one injection of it and it was because my bleeding part of my period had lasted over 50 days. The doctor said it would only temporarily affect my fertility because it prevents ovulation only when you are taking the shot. Now to hear this, I’m wondering.

    Sorry to hear that you have to wait longer than you’d like to try to conceive. Hopefully you’ll both be at better jobs soon and at least one of you will be offered health insurance.

    Good Luck!


  8. So much to say, so little memory function.

    Ok, Depo – you know, when I was 17 and ready to ‘hop on’ as it were, the LAST thing I was thinking about was my future fertility, when I went to get a script for the pill. I didn’t even ask. It never crossed my mind. Cliches are annoying buit the hindsight one being 20/20 is apt and true. Its NOT YOUR FAULT. And, depending on the doctor I’m sure, but they’re not always completely up-to-date with the meds and the effects. They are not god (shock horror) I know people who see the doctors word as absolute, but thats so last century.
    If I had the option between writhing in pain every 28days, or having a 3 monthly injection to allow me to function as a normal teen, I would have snapped the hand off for the latter. I think most people would. If you could have sneak previewed 10 years later and seen how the Depo affected you, do you think you would have still made the same choice? Of course not. And its the same for most aspects of our lives – we make decisions based on the info available to us at that time, we make decisions based on what we believe to be the best course of actions.
    I agree, this is a biggie, and I think its entirely normal to try and blame something or someone and we’re usually not as nice to ourselves as we are to other people.
    I’m now thinking about your self-confessed ‘people pleasing’ tendencies – this is causing you a lot of stress, ultimately. I think it might continue to do so. people will never all be ‘pleased’. It feels shit. Do you think this is something you might kick around with your therapist, if you haven’t already ‘gone there’? Wonder what input she would have?

    Re hubster: I can understand the logical practical reasoning to think you need to wait for trying for kids. I really do. I also know that time IS of the essence, especially if an infertility cause has been identified. I know how hard it is to wait and wonder whether that elusive take-home baba is really in the future, whilst watching the goalposts do a little dance around the pitch.
    Its tricky, as there are two of you in this and always will be, and it helps if you’re both singing from the same prayersheet. DOES he want children now? Do you think his infidelity thing has made him reassess thing/change his thinking, or is he just being ‘responsible’. Agree with whoever posted above – there IS no right time. 4 years ago I came off contraception thinking we would start a family ‘when nature intended’, Mr Stinky was earning 30% above what he is now, and I had savings of over $15k. That was the ‘right time’, in my eyes. Four years later, less income and less savings and a bit of papaer that means jackshit, and its, in other people’s eyes, really NOT the time to start trying. Logically. Practically. So when is? When we build up $15k of savings again?

    Re the ex-roomate – needs bitchslapping with a week old kipper. Shame you don’t live closer. there are many revenge tactics online, I reckon, if you were so inclined. $550 is a lot of money, and thats a shitty stunt to pull, especially if you have parted on the understanding that the house was left at a suitable level of cleanliness. I like to think of karma at times like that, but if it exists, you can guarantee the karmic debt isn’t repaid whilst you can see. Attorney might be the way to go, but surely would be costly. What about small claims court, do you have that over there? Legal aid?

    Re chocolate: really don’t sweat it (re sending me chocolate). I’m not stood here ticking off days on a calendar, and really, if you’re skint, deal with yourselves first. I’m pretty sure there’s no expected timeline in this chocobuddy agreement thing, and I know it takes me aaaaages to get to send you your stuff, so . . . one less thing to do. Hate that feeling when you’re pedaling as fast as you can go and still being left behind. Know it well, just not enough hours!!

    Love to you xxxx


  9. Posted by Storm on October 27, 2011 at 11:32 pm

    Wow i was on Depo too! I’m from Zimbabwe and all my docs here tell me its not true that it affected me fertility wise! Damn i knew it! Thanks for the confirmation. And i put on so much weight with Depo that i’ve never been able to loose. Sheeeperrrs!


    • Storm, I did read on some of the forums that women have found that doing a detox program, along with acupuncture and various herbal aids helped them to obtain their regular cycle functioning again… I think much of it depends on how long a person was on Depo. One or two shots seems to be much different than numerous years.


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