Stiff Upper Lip

I’ve been trying to stay positive. Look at the silver linings in my life. My guess is that to the average observer in my life, I look like I’m doing ok.

Hubster and I are doing so much better, things are basically back to normal. I’m successfully losing weight. This morning I was 223.5, amazing compared to 250! I have a job, Hubster is finding income with a local temp agency, I live in the gorgeous NW where I went hiking today with my dear friend Jewel!!! (and the weather was perfect! The sun came out but it was still that crisp-fall-feeling)

But I can’t shake this sense of… Something isn’t right. I feel blue. I struggle with long stretches of being alone because of my work schedule limiting when I can see people. And while the good shifts are really good, the crummy ones are really miserable.

I feel frustrated with how little I get accomplished on a workday because either nothing is open at 2am when I get home or I sleep most of the day away when those things are open. (such as getting to the gym! “frustrated” doesn’t BEGIN to cover my emotions on that)

My house is a total mess, I can’t keep up with keeping it clean and I just want to crumple on the floor and cry when I get home because of it. I don’t know who or what took over my brain that I’m suddenly caring about keeping a clean and tidy home but I kind of wish they would bugger off. I don’t need the added stress of feeling disgusted and overwhelmed by my apartment!

If life could be ideal… What would it look like? ….

Hubster would have a dream job. So much of his self esteem and self identity is attached to his job. He’s doing the best he can to be strong for me but I can tell he feels adrift without a secure, enjoyable job.

He would make enough money to support us. Nothing huge, just enough to pay our bills and living expenses and set some aside in savings.

I know it’s unAmerican to confess this, but… I REALLY hate working. I know I went to school for this, and there are certain aspects that are rewarding, but the truth is that it’s just not what it was cracked up to be. As one blogger wrote recently, I want to be a Stay At Home Infertile. I want to be able to clean MY home for 4 hours, not clean a clinic. I want to be able to schedule doctors appointments without worrying about it conflicting with work. (I think that really the BIGGEST reason I haven’t tried to get a different job is that working nights means I can schedule as many doctors appointments during the day as I want without having to ask for time off: handy when we start TTC again in December/January) I want to be able to see friends and family, go to church and holiday parties. It really REALLY SUCKS that I work Saturday’s and Sunday’s and I’m just feeling totally deflated. Defeated. Depressed.

I can feel the clinical depression, looming, just out of sight. The smallest things brings tears, pricking my eyes or a wrathful anger boiling up.

But nothing is going to change. Saturday I will go into work. Sunday as well, and miss out on church, and a pumpkin carving party. Because we need my job, my income. Because I need days free for future doctors appointments.

But I have to tell you ladies… When the day comes that I hold a little one in my arms, I’m not doing this anymore. I’m not going to pay someone else to raise my kids so I can go to a job that is slowly but surely sucking my soul out of me. Not gonna happen. But I will live with it for now, so that I can have the finances and scheduling to one day get me pregnant. That’s what I tell myself as I drive to work.

“Suck it up. Get the paycheck. Get the weight off. Get to December so Hubster can get officially cleared as healthy. Get to future the doctors appointments.”

It’s what keeps me going. But some days I don’t know how I will make it to December, let alone through the end if October. I don’t know how long I can beat the depression off. It feels like a giant wave, hovering overhead, and sooner or later it’s going to hit. And it’s not going to be pretty.

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7 responses to this post.

  1. sorry you’re feeling so blue
    what happened? you were so happy about finding a job, only recently
    could be the shifts, not the job itself?

    hey, GREAT JOB with weight loss! it’s amazing!!! you should be really, REALLY proud of yourself

    hugs. hope the blues leave you alone soon.

    Reply

  2. sorry you’re feeling blue….I hope you feel better soon. Be proud of yourself for all your accomplishments!

    thinking of you….

    Reply

  3. Posted by babycrazykiwi on October 14, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    Congrats on the weight loss….you’re doing a great job. I wanna help you figure out this job vs getting things done issue. What time do you normally get home from an average shift? My mum was doing similiar hours recently and she definately found it hard, however she’d come home at whatever time her shift was done and potter around the house for an hour or so tidying the kitchen, reading the paper and the like then go to bed after winding down. She then slept until mid-morningish then still had some day before her next shift. Like I say I don’t know what time you finish your shift her’s was typically between 11pm-3am depending on the work.
    Lol not sure if that was helpful at all….I guess its all about making a new ‘norm’ to suit your work hours.
    Take care chick and thinking of you xxx

    Reply

  4. I just wanted to congratulate you as well on losing weight – even though things aren’t perfect, this is a MAJOR accomplishment – I can’t even maintain my weight lately, it just keeps going up.
    As for the rest of life, I don’t know what to tell you because I think I suck at giving advice, but I know I have read about other infertiles (and especially myself) having a hard time with a lot of aspects of life – feeling overwhelmed with cleaning and keeping up with everything, and missing out on things… I wonder when it will change – if i will ever get pregnant – its hard.
    I know its hard to see all the good things that there are and is happening in your life because I struggle with that too. Sometimes it seems like those things don’t matter because the one thing you really want is missing. Part of what helps me is that I know it sucks right now and I don’t try to fight it too much. I just go on with my sucky life.

    Reply

  5. Can it be the limbo? The being in a holding pattern before you can take tangible steps towards your goal? I know that nothing gives me an overall sense of wrong like waiting does.

    Reply

  6. Posted by Rachel @ Eggs In A Row on October 19, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Dude. I hate working so much. Also, I kind of feel like I wrote this post. I’d love to get paid to do something I was good at…and make a living wage…or, be a stay at home mom and let the hubby find something he was good at. And be happy.

    Hang in there!

    Reply

    • Can I just say I love it when people use the word “dude”?! It makes me smile 🙂

      It’s nice to know I’m not just some lazy bum for hating to work, my hope is that it gets better, so that at least I’m not crying before every shift. Which the last two shifts were pretty good… Here’s hoping it stays that way!

      Reply

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