Epiphany! Yay!

Ok, thank all of you for the many smacking-me-upside-the-head comments the last few days.  Yesterday my brain finally clicked into place on a lot of things.  But let me start from the beginning.

We went to a wedding.  The bride was a friend from our first year of college.  The wedding was beautiful, so elegant and colorful (The bride had balanced a deep plum with a light-yellow-buttercream, with accents of orange-to-red, light lavender, and light green.)  There was amazingly approximately 15 people from our class (including two teachers!) and it was so great to reconnect with this old group that is a lot of really wonderful people. Amazingly it did NOT rain, and was beautiful and sunny during the ceremony (although the rain came out during the reception, thank goodness for the tents!)

It was weird though, because as much as I was getting a lot of joy and happiness out of visiting with people I haven’t seen in WAY too long, and I was really really happy for the happy couple… I couldn’t help being a bit bitter and jaded about the whole affair.  Remembering my wedding, and thinking if someone had come up to me on my wedding day and told me that I would face infertility and infidelity I would have laughed them off (or kicked them out for being such cruel, insensitive people).  And my husband was hearing all the vows and joys and getting all mushy and romantic which only caused me to get more irritated…  But it wasn’t like we were really in a situation where we could get into it.  Thankfully my friend Jewel had called, so I went off for a bit of space, and called her back, and allowed myself to get into a better head-space before rejoining the party.

The interesting thing was, as I was catching up with everyone, and talking about what we have been up to, I felt like I had to have an explanation for why we were taking a break from TTC without going into the entire incident-thing.  And so I found myself explaining about the weight gain, and how I’m trying to lose the weight.  And explaining that we need to wait to have steady work (ideally with some kind of insurance!) and all of that means we probably wont be back on the TTC wagon until January.

And suddenly, I realized how true those things were.  How they were the responsible things.  And all your comments came to mind.  That it is just plain NOT worth is to potentially expose myself (or a future baby) to any kind of STD.  And I also realized that the silver lining of this whole thing is that I am forced to take the time to accomplish my weight loss, and job status.  With all the baby-craziness that I have infecting my brain, it’s easy  to want to TTC even though I haven’t lost the weight.  To be illogical and irresponsible.  So now, I have to be responsible.  And that really is a good thing.

So, no unprotected sex for 3 months.

I think a lot of my stupidity can be acknowledged from Decision Fatigue.  (If you aren’t familiar with that post, do read it.  I can’t really sum it up)  The fact is that every day I have had to make a LOT of decisions.  And all these decisions feel so incredibly important.  Am I going to let Hubster touch me?  How long can this hug last?  Should I make an effort to hold his hand?  It would be a lot easier to go one of two ways.  File for divorce and walk away.  Or give into denial, and more forward like nothing happened.  And I fell into the later.  I was just so tired of talking about everything, thinking about what happened and what it means now and what it means for our future and everything that it is going to take to really face all of it… I just wanted a break.  But just like a divorce, it doesn’t really solve the problem.  I can’t pretend or ignore the problem away.

So, now I just have to figure out how I feel about condoms.  Maybe because we’ve never really used them, but I just don’t have a lot of faith in them.  Because, you know, they break and stuff.  So that means abstinence for 6 months.  Although admittedly that’s not a real immediate concern.

Just working on the relationship is enough.  And then of course weight loss.  And job hunting.  Ya, my plate is plenty full right now.  And that is just fine.

😀 Happies! 😀

Yesterday: Seeing so many wonderful fabulous friends.  A good handful and flown out for the wedding, but most of them actually live in Washington state, so I’m excited about the possibility of seeing them on occasion.  There was much talk about some kind of holiday party this fall.  Day 33 of 100.

Today:  We slept in (I am sorry we missed church, but we got to bed late since we were visiting with people for so long) and are having a really great, laid back morning just chilling on the couch listening to old country music.  Especially since it is overcast and misty, it’s nice to give in to the “sleepy” weather 🙂  Feeling very cozy!  Day 34 of 100 Days of Happiness.

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9 responses to this post.

  1. congrats on over a month of happies!! ESPECIALLY during the shitstorm!

    Glad its clicked. weird isn’t it, you can hear something over and over from the external, but its only when it clicks into place and you FEEL it that it kinda really gels. Does sound an ideal situation to work on the weight loss though, if its there as a presentable environment!

    Condoms, personally I hate them, coitus interruptus, but we used them for ages because I didn’t want to be on the pill being controlled by teh chemiculzzz. I would say/advise – get some, put them next to the bed on both sides, or wherever you usually get jiggy with it and just have them within arms reach. Never had one break/split on us – that I’m aware of anyway, and no whoopsies – they were when we just didn’t use anything cos I thought I were infertile anyway. I know thats probably where your headspace ISN’T right now, but just offering it up for later consideration when it is

    Reply

    • I ❤ "teh chemiculzzz" – made me laugh 🙂

      I have to say I'm a tad proud of keeping up with the happies, I think it's actually helped a bit, in that I am really intentional of finding something good in (almost) every day.

      Condoms… ya, we were talking about getting some to have on hand, just in case we get to a place where it feels natural/feels right to have sex, then at least they are here. But I'm leaving that purchase up to the man. (I don't send him to get my tampons!)

      Reply

      • Good. He wants it, he can take responsibility. Just thinking, kinda tricky . . . if he buys them, is he going to think you’re wanting sex and thats why he has to buy them? I’d check that intention very thoroughly, hon!
        Best to have these things there and not use them, than not have them and need them!

  2. Condoms are like 99.9% effective WHEN USED PROPERLY. That means you have to use them properly, which amongst other things means he has to pull out shortly after ejaculation and can’t use the same condom twice (and by that I mean if you’re having sex twice, right in a row; I’m pretty sure the don’t wash it out and re-use it part is obvious). If he stays inside you in the condom, either while going limp or continuing to thrust, you run the risk of the semen squishing out the sides of the thing and getting into you anyway (sorry for graphic description). Also, condoms work better for birth control when combined with some sort of a spermicide – some condoms come with one, or you can buy spermicidal lubricant – but I’m not sure how that does or doesn’t affect their STI-prevention factor.

    Either way, get lubricated condoms, and/or get some water-based lube, because plain rubber condoms HURT on the way in. And then have fun with it. When we switched to condoms, we got a giant box of Durex from Costco that has about six different varieties in it – including a “for her” variety that’s pink and smells like berries. There’s also a site my OB told me about, http://www.condomania.com, where you can get sample packs, or take a little survey on your preferences, so you can figure out what works best for you. Not all condoms are created equal, so do your research (research = trial and error = sex), and have fun experimenting.

    Oh, but none of that until you are EMOTIONALLY ready to have sex with him again.

    Reply

    • Crap, this whole time I thought that the “wash and reuse” did the trick.

      Reply

    • Thank you for the “sex ed”, I ended up spending the afternoon on the CSC website reading all their stuff on safe sex practices, and what condoms protect against and how they work.

      Although I already knew they weren’t a multi-use item lol 🙂

      Reply

  3. I’m surprised that your hubby was able to be all sucky/ romantic through the wedding. I’d have thought it would have been just as bad for him, then again he’s looking at it from the other side. I think we’re too jaded sometimes. Comes with the territory though.

    I keep asking Hubby if he’ll marry me again and he never hesitates. It’s always “no”. 😉 I guess no big party for us again.

    Reply

  4. turn condoms into fun! that’s what my friends did – they bought the ones with taste, the ones that will tickle you on the inside, etc 😉

    Reply

    • Ya, we went to the local “adult” store where they sold condoms singly and picked out a whole bunch of different ones to try (along with a few other fun things…)

      Very excited!!! Will report tomorrow!

      Reply

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