The Angry Post

Well, I knew from day one it was coming… and today it’s here.

The post where I am really.  Really. REALLY. Pissed Off.

My husband called to move his appointment for the STD (STI?  Ok, I know that’s what the kids these days are calling it, but I grew up with the “Old Skool” terminology) screening to an earlier time because the only time I could get in to see the counselor was right over the time that had been set for his doctor’s appointment.  Amazingly they were able to get him in today, at a different office than we had originally made the appointment at but that was fine.  So we go (yes, I went with him) and a half hour after his appointment he finally get’s called back.  I get told that I have to wait in the waiting room.  Why the ef did I go along then?  (Ok, not that my husband knew that was how it would go, but it still ticked me off).

So a bit later he comes back out and we talk about what happened on the ride home.  There are a handful of STD’s that if he had contracted them, there would have been visible signs by now (and while I haven’t seen for myself, I’m taking his word that nothing has shown up) so they tested for the common ones that wouldn’t have any visible symptoms/signs yet.   The test take one to two weeks, and they only call if something comes back positive.  (Real helpful guys… So I don’t know if we should call in a week and check?)

But the kicker is that apparently HIV takes 3 months to show up on a test.  3 months after contracting it.  3 months from now. The earliest we could test would be early December.

Of course my husband states “I can’t go without sex for three months”.  Like what is he saying, if I wont have sex with him he’ll go do it with someone who doesn’t care about contracting a life-altering disease (Infection? Whatever.) ?!?!  He’s totally pushing for “protected” sex.

A couple of points to make here.

1-In the approximately 6 years we have been having sex, we have used condoms maybe a half-a-dozen times.  They make sex feel weird, totally disrupt the flow of  getting ready for sex, and as they say on the box, are not 100% effective.  Which leads me to my next point…

2-You remember “sex ed”?  We got told that sex=babies&STD’s.  Well, as all us infertiles know, sex actually does NOT equal babies.  Many of us have discussed how we feel betrayed by our teachers, by science, by our bodies because of this.  But it would JUST be Murphy’s Law for the second half of the equation to turn out to be accurate for me.  And I refuse to lose my ability to even attempt at getting pregnant.  Because that’s what getting HIV would mean for me.  If my husband has it, yes that is scary and we would have to change our discussion to include things like “donor sperm” but I would still be clear to try to get pregnant.  If I get HIV, that chance it gone.  Totally and utterly lost.  I refuse to have tried this hard for this long just to throw it all away because I was impatient.

He’s sulking around, acting all butt-hurt and angry about the turn of events.  He keeps spitting out at me “How can you just turn it off?!”  As in, how dare I have any self control or self restraint?!?!  But you know what, maybe if he HAD learned how to turn it off, we wouldn’t be here.  If he could have looked past the immediate-gratification to the long-term consequences, maybe that would have sobered him right up.  He’s acting like a spoiled bratty child.

And it is making. Me. Pissed.  Off.

How DARE he piss and moan about his crappy choice to me?  How DARE he try and guilt me into sex with him just because he has no self control?  How DARE he make me feel like a less sexual person because I am actually using my brain?

HE is the one who has brought this all on himself.  I have asked SOOOOO little of him in all this, trying SO hard to be “the bigger man”, move on, move forward, working on forgiveness and love.  But every time I ask one teeny tiny little thing from him he acts like I am the unreasonable one!  When I ask him to walk the dogs, to put the dishes away, the put down the f*cking toilet seat (!!!!), to give me space, to let me spend the gas money to go visit friends who I really really need right now for support.

If he really needs a good lay, he can go fuck some other girl.

***UPDATE:

Apparently this was my 100th post.  Hmmm… interesting.  Yay?

I also wanted to say that of course I don’t want to have HIV because, well, that would be really scary for a LOT of reasons, not just the baby-making-ones, but focusing on future-babyness is easier to wrap my brain around right now.

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14 responses to this post.

  1. Excuse me Mr. Tulip, but how the hell are YOU playing the victim here? After such a betrayal, most wives might not even sleep under the same roof as their husbands for a period of time and you’re pouting because the woman you pledged your life to doesn’t want your potentially poisonous penis inside her until it’s deemed non-lethal?

    And for the record, 3 months is nothing. Guess what, after giving birth, your wife can’t give it up for a minimum of 6 weeks, potentially longer depending on how things heal. And in my marriage, after losing our girls to an infection, we have already decided that when I get pregnant again, we won’t be putting a damned thing into my body until well after birth. That’s a YEAR that my husband has already agreed to. Why? Because the last thing we want is another persons germs being put into my body and potentially causing another infection (not that there’s any reason to believe that’s what happened the last time) because that’s how much my husband cares for me and his yet to be conceived children.

    But oh no, you don’t understand how she can actually force you to have some consequences to your actions. Grow the fuck up dude. Get on your knees and sing the praises of the woman who hasn’t cut your dick off in her very justified fury!

    Reply

  2. Posted by Meaghan on September 14, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    I just started to follow your blog about a week ago and I have admired you from day 1. I don’t know if “I could be the bigger man” such as you have, nor do I think I could stand the sight of my husband much less stand the thought of having sex with him….for quite. some. time. and if my husband couldn’t deal with that, well, that’s not my problem. I cannot believe Mr. Tulip has the BALLS to try to guilt you into having sex with him when he could have HIV. It is just mind boggling, I totally agree with alexmmr and I coulldn’t have said it better myself. Good for you for standing up for you and your health. Don’t let him talk you into it either. You don’t owe him anything-he, on the other hand, owes you everything. *HUGS* to you for even putting up with his temper tantrums.

    Reply

  3. Ughhh. Just UGHHH. I am so sorry for all of this. You’re right. If he had self-control, you wouldn’t be in this situation. I hope you can get away, just for a little while, it sounds like you need support and love right now. I’m around if you want to chat!

    Reply

  4. Posted by babycrazykiwi on September 14, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Oh dear oh dear oh dear! Hugs to you my girl. Sounds like he needs a serious reality check. I’d love to hear how the session with the therapist went/goes after that episode. Continue to stand up for your rights, he has none saying what he has said. Totally agree with what the others have said. Kia Kaha which is pronounced key-ah car-ha and means Be Strong in Maori.

    Reply

  5. FUCK YEAH! You go, girl.

    Reply

  6. Holy shite, tell him to shut up and grow up. He’s lucky you’re even speaking to him right now.

    Wait until you are pregnant and you have an issue and the doctor tells you no nookie–it’s been decidedly longer than three months for us I can assure you. What’s he gonna do then? Go trolling for someone else?

    Don’t take that crap.

    Reply

  7. Hon, I’m really sorry about this. I’m also really happy that you’re finally letting yourself feel some anger.
    I’m going to be blunt here – a person’s true face is shown under duress. Do what you will with that.

    Sending you huge hugs!

    Reply

  8. The vent is coming out! I’m glad you’re letting yourself react to this rather than trying to just push by it. It is a big deal even if the chances are small. I understand that he’s in the denial boat, refusing to believe that there is a possibility of such a problem because that would be too much for him to wrap his head around so he wants you to deam it as unnecessary as he is. But he has to suck it up. Action/ consequence here. He wants it to be all gone and over and this means that there are at least three more months of imediate reminder (his lonely penis) of what he did.

    Consequences sound a lot easier to deal with when you’re not looking them in the face, but he made his bed, he has to lay in it. He’s has to show you that he means it about doing what it takes to fix this, not just when it’s convenient for him.

    Reply

  9. kuddos for you for standing up for yourself, your health and your future concerns.

    and if the only consequence for his behavior is 3 measly months without sex (my DH will have gone a whole year…and he did nothing wrong, poor guy!)…well, he’s got it pretty darn good. i know we all hope he realizes that asap and starts to spend his new found free time, since sex is out of the schedule for now, working on your marriage, communication and showing you the care and respect you deserve.

    hang in there the best you can…we’re all hear to listen, yell with you if needed and cheer you along whatever decisions you have to make in the coming months.

    Reply

  10. Posted by eggsinarow on September 15, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    It sounds like he is setting himself up to cheat and blame it on you. Much like an addict will blame their spouse for “pressuring them” with real life and causing a relapse.

    I understand the infertility aspect. But it doesn’t sound like Mr. Tulip is at a mature enough place to nurture your marriage, let alone a baby.

    Hang in there! Hugs.

    Reply

    • Posted by eggsinarow on September 16, 2011 at 2:24 pm

      What I mean is I understand the importance of TTC/fertility and how you would want your husband to be the father.

      Reply

  11. I am really sorry you have to deal with this attitude on top of everything else.
    He needs to decide what’s more important – being with you or having sex on a whim. He already made the wrong choice once. So he is not allowed to complain!
    Hang in there. And vent as much as you need here. We’re here. We support you.

    Reply

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