Me vs. The World

I realized that perhaps it’s possible I’ve been a tad defensive lately. I mean, we have tried to be intentional and only tell people that we thought would be supportive and sensitive. And for the most part, that is true. There is probably only one or two people really “pushing” for us to work this out. Most people have been impressively neutral, encouraging me to focus on what I am feeling, what I want, what I need. But strangely enough, I feel like (and this may totally be in my head, I admit) bit it seems like general society-at-large would tell me to give up and leave. All you have to do is thumb through popular music, movies, the latest celebrity gossip. If my life was a sitcom, I would be the bumbling idiot, getting treated like a doormat.

And, ok, I don’t want that. One of my biggest fears in all this actually isn’t that we won’t be able to stay together, but instead is that I will be too accommodating, a doormat, etc.

I feel like the world would look at this and say “Why did you take him back? What makes you think you can trust him?” and I don’t know that I have a lot of “society approving” answers. So I feel like there is this pressure to have a lot if logical and reasonable answers.

But the fact is that relationships are not usually logical and reasonable unless you’re talking about a business relationship. Why am I friends with Polly, a person SO different from myself? Because I AM! I love her, she’s like a sister to me. So why do I feel so much pressure to justify my decisions about where my marriage goes when I don’t try to justify my other relationships?

Of course the really stupid thing is that I DON’T have to justify it to the world. Really there are only a few folks who I have told that seem to fall more towards the “leave him like any smart woman would”, but even then they haven’t exactly said that.

So I know a lot of you have told me to just feel what I feel, basically telling me to stop over-analyzing everything. And I promise, I’m gonna start doing that.

Or, I’m gonna try.

Really hard.

Gold star for effort?

Now comes the big question: to clean, or not to clean? The apartment looks like a bomb went off…

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14 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by babycrazykiwi on September 7, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    You have every right not to explain your reasons to any one else. Its your life, your decision and if people care they will be there for you no matter the outcome. I think the fact that he came clean about the whole situation virtually straight away is a good thing. He could have easily swept it under the carpet and acted like nothing happened. To me that reads as someone who doesn’t intend to continue down that kind of path. That’s just my opinion.
    I give you a gold star any day!!

    Reply

  2. Clean. It’ll help keep your mind off of things.

    xoxo!

    Reply

  3. I have a very close person whose husband cheated on her
    he confessed, they talked, he wanted her back
    they lived separately for a while, dating – he would come to pick her up to have lunch together and instead they would end up having sex in a hotel nearby…

    they got over that episode
    it’s been a few years now
    and I don’t doubt they’re a great family

    we can’t measure our lives by movie standards – if we did, we would all have to have an emergency plastic surgery, liposuction, do something about that cellulite and… well, have VERY hectic marriage lives, getting constantly married and divorced 🙂

    Reply

  4. Hey, I told you there are TWO types of cheating. One requires you to leave, but the one you’re currently dealing with – as long as it doesn’t become a habit – is FORGIVABLE.

    Stay. Work it out. Just don’t work it into the ground. Or do what zygotta’s friend did, and work on it while taking a break from it.

    And yes, clean. Having less chaos in your apartment will likely help clear up the chaos in your head.

    Reply

    • Oh no sweetie, I didn’t mean to imply you were on the end encouraging me to leave! The most prominent person is a good friend of mine back in Colorado. She is also a friend of my husband, but she has some very strong ideas (read “feminist”) ideas of how a relationship should work. But I love her, and she loves me, and I know she will support me, even if she disagrees with me.

      Reply

  5. You need to do what is best for you and your relationship. I know several couples that have weathered the storm of infidelity. Each of them have handled it in their own unique way, you will too. Try to take the time to listen to your heart and mind.

    I hope the cleaning went well.

    Reply

  6. Are you a stress cleaner? I’m a money-stress cleaner. When things get tight, my house is spick and span. Otherwise…lets just say it’s not and I pretty much never have company to motivate cleaning.

    I felt the same way about society as a whole seeming to push divorce nowadays. The concept of hard work, compromise, and “til death do you part” is unwanted. It almost seems to me that most of the time it’s the ones that shouldn’t get back together/ work it out that do (abusive and the such) and everyone else jumps on the “they didn’t treat me right, screw them” band wagon. I’m not saying everyone is in that bunch, I’m not in that bunch either.
    It does however make people who divorce for really good reasons look worse because it’s not taken very seriously anymore.

    I don’t think this is coming out right…

    Reply

    • I’m actually more of a never-cleaner… I am trying to become a stress cleaner. I usually only clean if people are coming over. Which doesn’t happen too often…

      No worries, I totally get what you are saying. The stereotype is the people who don’t divorce really should, making people who don’t divorce as a whole look like uneducated morons. And then because everybody-and-their-uncle gets divorced these days for really trivial reasons, not only does it put pressure on people to cut-and-run, but also makes divorce for a significant reason less significant.

      Reply

  7. Posted by eggsinarow on September 8, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    Here is what I think: we have voices in our head that tell us the truth. We just choose whether or not to listen to the voices! If your voice is telling you to give it a shot, you should honor that voice. If the voice is like “Get out!” and you are fighting the voice, try to figure out why you are fighting the voice. And if there are no voices…stay until you know what’s right. I am married to an addict who got clean a year ago…no one understood the fact I stayed. But I’m glad i did. And while I am committed for life, I can only live one day at a time. It’s easier that way. Xoxoxo

    Reply

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