And for a change, more talking!

So, I want to apologize for lacking in replying to comments.  All your comments mean the world to me, it’s just that usually what I would reply ends up being long and becoming a new post all together.

Today I am super tired.  It probably has to do with the fact that I feel asleep at 4ish, and work up at 9 to meet with my priest.

Why was I awake so late?  Well, blame the Man, we talked for 3 hours last night.  I know that some people probably wouldn’t want to talk to him, but I know we can’t work on stuff without talking.  And I can’t help it, old habits die hard.  If you count our dating years, we have been together for 8 years.  He really is my best friend, the person I go to with all my worries.

I think we made some good steps in the conversation.  I made the decision that I needed to know exactly how it all happened.  Some people probably wouldn’t want to know, but what I had going through my head was pretty bad.  I figured it couldn’t really be any worse.  As it turns out, I was right.  Ya, it sucked but it really wasn’t as bad as what was going through my head.  In fact, it really reminded me of the time I got drunk and made out with Polly.  (Lowered inhibitions, close friend I’ve known since childhood, feeling lonely…)  It sounds weird to admit I have kissed a girl, and I know that there is a difference between kissing and sex, but the whole scenario really was very similar.

I think the really amazing thing was that we had an entire conversation about why our sex life has (for the most part) just plain sucked.  And what our best nights of sex were.  See, he has always had a low sex drive.  And when I have approached him as to why, he has gotten defensive and basically told me that I’m the one with a problem, not him.  He very much likes a routine, and when I would suggest trying something new he would basically shut down, and make me feel like some messed up sexual deviant for even suggesting a change in the routine.  Or he would get defensive until I finally apologized for offending him.  Our conversations about sex we not two adults with mutual love and respect.  I became so scared of being hurt that I wouldn’t voice my concerns or frustrations, of if I did it would be in a quiet, awkward way like a little kid would talk about sex.  Last night I spoke with confidence and clarity about what I need; we talked about sex like two adults.  I can’t tell you guys what a HUGE breakthrough that is for us.

I’d like to interrupt our programming for this important announcement:     I wanted to take a moment to talk about pajamas.  I had some questions about my lack of pajama ownership.  Well, see I move in my sleep.  A lot.  When I was a kid it was not unusual to wake up having turned 180 degrees and facing the foot-board.  All this moving about caused my pajamas to get tangled in the sheets, constricting me.  And I don’t know about you guys, but playing “bon.dage” with my bed didn’t really lead to a restful sleep.  So somewhere along the way I stopped wearing pajamas in bed.  Ya, I was the “nak.ed room.mate” in college.  In my head, we were both women so who cared?  I never went into common areas in the buff, but me + pajamas + bed just wasn’t going to happen.  I have owned a handful of pajamas in the last decade.  Really the only reason I own a single pair at all is for when I travel and stay at people’s houses.  (Because I do drawn the line at sleeping au-la-natural on a friend’s couch or my dad’s guest bed)  But lately I have been crashing at friend’s more frequently, and when Hubster does get out here, even if we don’t share a bed at first, I need something to walk around the apartment in because suddenly wandering around with no clothes feels really awkward.  So the pajamas that I have found that I can sleep in are either cami-length pants or shorts.  Too baggy and they just tangle faster it seems.  Sports bra, racer-back tank.  That’s about it.      And now back to our regularly schedule programming.

Ok, so back on track.  I met with our Priest today.  I guess I kind of expected him to at least try and talk me into staying married, if not outright telling me I had to.  I figured he would push for me to come to every church event and situation right now, since I had told him that my enthusiasm to dig into faith right now was basically gone.  But he didn’t do that stuff.  He listened, asked how I was doing, and told me that whatever decision I make is fine.  Yes, the Church values family and marriage, but he told me that the Church doesn’t want people to be married who don’t want to be married.  Forcing people to do something just creates bitterness and resentment.  I guess it was a little surreal to realize that I am currently in a situation that the church recognizes as a legitimate reason for divorce.  He encouraged us to seek a professional counselor, saying “I went to seminary and got a Mast.ers in Divin.ity.  That doesn’t make me a licensed therapist.  My area of expertise is the spiritual relationships.”  I appreciated his honesty, and we talked about where to look for a good counselor.  He told me that it makes sense that I don’t feel very motivated to be in church a lot.  He told me “This isn’t the time to dig deep into faith.  This is the time to be sustained in all that you already know.”  He knows that before we can jump right back into active church life we need to know where our marriage life is going.  We talked a bit about why I want to work on our marriage.  Our history of 8 years, our plans for our future, for a family, my fears of having to start over, my refusal to be another statistic of a child from a divorced home.  We talked about my parents marriage, and why it failed.  He said he does really want to sit down with both Scott and I, when we are up for it, and talk about the Orthodox life, and The Sacramental Life, which I’m actually really intrigued to hear more about.  And then we got off on a tangent about how we are both total foodies and love trying new and exotic foods, and then suddenly we had been sitting there for an hour and a half and his next appointment was about to start!

I’m so lucky to have him as a priest.

And then I came home and took an epic nap.

My sleep schedule is all kinds of messed up.

All these long late night phone calls reminds me of when we were dating.  It’s a little overwhelming at times to see such a change in him, all of the effort and sensitivity he is putting into this that has been missing for so long and I didn’t really notice; or I noticed but couldn’t put my finger on it, you know?  I mean, I had to know something was wrong.  Most of the books I have purchased in the last couple of months have been about marriage/relationships.  But as I read them I would think to myself “But we do talk openly and honestly.  This book sucks.”  and now I realize how often I haven’t been honest, for fear of hurting him or myself, so I would keep it to myself or water down the message.

So I guess today, I’m doing ok.  I am having more and more moments of “We can do this.  We can get through this.  We can be stronger for this.”

In which case my baby-brain takes over and says “ok, so how many cycles until we get back to working on getting you knocked up?”

And then I have to smack the baby-brain.

And laugh at myself.

Happy of the day:  Having the most amazing, sensitive, down-to-earth understanding Priest I could imagine, making me feel stronger, supported, and even got me laughing.  Thank you Father J.

Day 22 of 100 Days of Happiness.

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11 responses to this post.

  1. I’m glad you had a good talk with your priest. You need to find that person that can make everything seem clear and honest (usually it’s not all what you want to hear) rather than the people that just tell you what they think you want to hear. When Hubby and I were separated and at our worst, the one person that gave me the best advice was someone that didn’t want me to get back together with Hubby but told me what he thought was best for me anyways. I’ll never forget someone caring about me enough to talk to me the way he did and it saved my marriage.
    There were also the people giving me advice and that sounded so smooth and convincing that I didn’t realize that it was total BS (and sometimes a subtle attempt to hurt me or Hubby). Watch out for those. If you find yourself acting/ saying things that are VERY out of character, best take a closer look at where it’s coming from.

    p.s. PJ are for lounging only. Only crazy people wear them to bed. lol, I was the naked roommate too. Now we live in the naked house. It’s a well known fact that you dont come over unannounce without getting a shock. Running joke in the family.

    Reply

    • I so love the fact that you run a naked house!!! I had a really good laugh 🙂

      As much as I know a licensed therapist is highly advised, I feel like between Fr.J, Jewel and Polly I have a lot of advise, coming from a variety of experiences and points of view. Does that sound stupid?

      Reply

      • Oh no, I didn’t mean a therapist. They’re good and all, but they’re usually the ones telling you “you did the best with what you had”. Mine did more damage than good cause what I needed at the time turned out to come from a self help book (I know, I can’t believe I got one either, lol) telling me that I was also responsible for shit hitting the fan and that even though I wasn’t the “bad guy” in our case, I was the enabler. I needed honesty, my eyes opened and not to be coddled.

        I’m glad you have a good support network there. It doesn’t sound stupid at all.

  2. Wow, your Priest sounds absolutely amazing! Nice.

    Open talk about our sex lives is SO FREAKIN HARD. It’s definitely still an issue in my marriage. *sigh* I’m happy for you that it’s getting worked out in yours!!

    Reply

  3. Atta girl. I think it’s hard for all of us to say the things that need to be said in our relationships – because they’re often not nice/easy things!

    Keep up the good work, but also, remember at some point you have to let the talking give way to doing. Maybe not sex right away, just being together, spending time together, enjoying each other’s company. You know, whatever I said way more eloquently in the email yesterday. ❤

    Reply

    • I hear ya. Of course right now it’s hard to do any “doing” with him so far away. But I’m sure I’m going to need to hear this a lot.

      Your emails make my heart sing, I get really excited every time I see a new one! (Hope that doesn’t come across as weird or creepy… I mean it in a very non-creepy way)

      Reply

  4. I’m proud of you. {{hugs}}

    Reply

  5. i couldn’t get your situation out of my mind
    I talked to my hubby yesterday about unfaithfulness and why and when it could happen

    i won’t repeat all the hypotheses and conculsions and theories, but one thing stuck with me: he said sometimes it might be worth it to cheat just to realize how great you have it all

    perhaps this was exactly that sort of a wake-up call for your hubby? sounds like it based on how he went and confessed what happened and how willing he seems to be to work through it

    my ex NEVER told me anything and NEVER worked on anything. And we got divorced. And nothing to do with any statistics – we both came from families that never divorced.

    be strong, keep sharing – we’re all here to listen, to discuss, to comfort.

    hugs

    Reply

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