Looking for a Release

Um, yea…. ok, the song says so much about how I’m feeling.  I got to see this band back in Colorado, and since it was a small venue even hang out with them for a bit.  They have some great music.

Sometimes I wish he had physically hurt me.  So that I could see the wound, point it out to myself, be able to know the healing time.

I have all this hurt and anger and I don’t know how to let it out.  I have cried so much, it just doesn’t seem to be reaching this pressure building.  Like a blister that I have to pop… But I’m generally a fairly composed person.  I don’t know how to scream and throw things and break things.

I think that’s why I’m a tattoo person.  Why my bleeding tulip tattoo was so cathartic for my miscarriage.

And on top of it all?  I still can’t get baby off the brain.  I mean, it’s been at the forefront for the last two years.  not exactly something I can just shut off.

I spent last night with my friend Jewel.  I feel so lucky to have Polly and Jewel in my life.  They have known me since elementary school.  I can’t think of any other women that know me as well as they know me.  They know what I’m thinking and feeling without me saying anything.  It’s also been so great because usually the person I go to when I’m all emotional and conflicted, is, well, him. And I can’t exactly call him to vent about him… well, I could.  But it’s not really the same.

I actually have some really amazing friends.  My friend Bee told me “I know you, you want to set up a schedule and fix this in a neat little plan.”  Um, yea…. she knows me.  I’m actually impatient to get to the “fixing” stage.  I hate being in limbo (not exactly a news flash, this is something I have become incredibly aware of when facing infertility) … I’m meeting with my Priest Friday morning.  I wish it was now.  H is driving out Sunday or Monday.  Just waiting for his paycheck to come through tomorrow, and they he wants to say goodbye to a few last friends.  I’m glad I’m not flying out to drive back now… as much as I want to get to “working on it”, I can’t imagine 2 or three days in such close confines.

I don’t know what I’m going to do when he gets here.  The visceral reaction (a.k.a vomiting reflex) seems to have mellowed a bit so I’ve been able to eat today (yay!).

Maybe I can get Polly or Jewel to be here with me?  But we’re going to end up being alone at some point…

I’m so thankful I got to hang out with Jewel last night, but I’m bummed she had to a flight scheduled for today.  I don’t want to be home alone.  But I also feel bad, dragging my dogs back and forth to other people’s homes like we’re a modern-day-nomad.

Some of the best adivce I’ve gotten and keep repeating to myself:

Give myself time.

Other people’s feelings are not my problem.

Take it a day at a time.

Be honest, about my feelings, wants and needs.


My happy (ok, even with this going on, I’m still going to try and do this project): Last night I had the ultimate comfort food with Jewel, Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup.  Which means I have leftover fixings for more grilled cheese!  (sadly I’m out of tomato soup)  And, I’ve decided after the paycheck comes through and we have set aside the amount for our bills… I’m doing some retail therapy.  Shoes!!!!  And probably a new pair of PJ’s since mine are fairly old and I’ve been staying over at other people’s houses a lot, I probably need something a tad less ratty, lol.

Back in the game.  Day 21 of 100 Days of Happiness.


3 responses to this post.

  1. hang in there!
    Sending you huge hugs!


  2. Trader Joe’s frozen Mac & Cheese. Works EVERY time.

    Do you only have one pair of PJs?! I am a PJ junkie.

    Serious stuff coming via email…


  3. FRIGGIN F’in F! Here I’ve been thinking you just hadn’t been posting the last while. I came to see how long it’s been to dicscover that I wasn’t getting notifications when you were posting! Sorry hun.
    Grilled cheese and tomato soup are ultimate comfort food. You can’t go wrong there. And as for PJ, new is always nice, but the ratty ones are the softest. My mom argues this, but I dont believe that people should have to get dressed unless they are leaving the house. PJs are a staple in my life.


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