Rock Bottom

Hubster called me earlier this evening. He sounded upset and a little angry. My knee jerk reaction was to assume he had seen that I had ordered pizza Monday night via our bank account. (We have stopped eating out to conserve our savings) So I asked him what was wrong, with a bit of trepidation. And then he told me that last night, Monday, he had slept with another woman.

At first I thought it was just my repeat nightmare and I needed to wake up.

I don’t even remember everything that was said. Hurt, confusion, anger, lost… I know he was upset as well. I know he apologized. I know he said he wants to fix it.

I held myself together long enough to get a hold of Polly and to get out to Port Orchard. And then I cried. A lot. And we talked. A lot.

I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how to process something like this. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, and I know it will take weeks to really come to some kind of decision on whether we can really try to work through this or not, and months or years to really mend the hurt if we try.

The woman was one of my good friends. They have know each other since junior high. As hurt as I am, I can see how the scenario most likely came about. And certainly I have had my share of sexual frustration and lustful thoughts in our months apart. I know that one mistake doesn’t make him evil, so please, dear readers, don’t mistake comforting me with bashing him. In a difference scenario, it maybe could have been me calling him to apologize.

But the fact is that I have no baby. No job. And a very rocky marriage. I’m at rock bottom. I don’t really know what to do, except take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I’m sure in the days to come my posts may be angrier or more depressed. Mostly right now I’m just numb.

I’m thankful to be numb right now, I’m not looking forward to the pain, but I know it’s coming.

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12 responses to this post.

  1. Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry to read this as I’m catching up on everyones news. What a shock! I’m glad you have your friend to sit with you and talk with. I have no words but to take your time to figure out what you need right now. It will take time. I have seen this with close friends and in my own family, it has to be your decision how to move on whenever you are ready. Sending much love your way.

    Reply

  2. Posted by babycrazykiwi on August 31, 2011 at 2:33 am

    Oh honey! I’m blown away and don’t know what to say. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you are feeling or will go through over the coming time. Yes you will need to take life day by day and remember to keep talking, keep crying, keep doing what you need to do in order to keep your head above water. I’ll be thinking of you and will be reading your posts no matter how angry they get….I might be an ocean away but I will be here for you.
    I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. Its not fair.

    Reply

  3. Oh, no. My heart just dropped when I read this. I’m glad you were able to find someone to talk to and cry with. Now, more than ever, you need to find a therapist to talk to and work through your emotions. I’ve heard of people who have come back from these situations and had a stronger marriage than ever…but it has to be your decision. And regardless of what you decide, it’s going to be a long road.
    Thinking of you…. (((HUGS))) and Prayers

    Reply

  4. Posted by Hannah on August 31, 2011 at 5:40 am

    I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say but you are in my thoughts and I’m sending you tons of virtual hugs!

    Reply

  5. Oh no, I’m so sorry. I have no words and I can’t even imagine. Sending you strong thoughts as you work through this.

    Reply

  6. Sending many prayers and hugs your way. I second the strong suggestion to find someone outside the situation to help you work through the emotions… And know it is possible to come back from this. It takes a lot of work, but it IS possible.

    Reply

  7. I am so sorry about all of this! I agree that you should talk to someone to work through these feelings. I would also highly recommend seeing a counselor or therapist with your husband.

    It’s not the end of the world, but I know it feels like it. I am sending you big hugs!!

    Reply

  8. Oh wow, I’m so so so sorry to read this post. My husband and I have had our share of struggles over the past 7 years (though I was the one that made that ultimate mistake a few years back)…thankfully we were able to work through things and after a lot of time and talking, our marriage is stronger than ever and he trusts me again. It’s hard as hell though, and every relationship is different. Best of luck to you moving forward. ((HUGS))

    Reply

  9. I’m so sorry to read this post. I was so shocked to read this and I truely hope you’ll be ok. Thinking of you.

    Reply

  10. I’m so sorry honey.
    I found out that my ex cheated on me 1.5 years after we split up – and I already was happily in love again – and it still hurt real badly.
    I can only imagine how bad it is for you…
    There is no advice here, unfortunately. You have to work through the turmoil of your emotions, cry it out, talk it out, spill it all out, and then – only then – really think what to do next.
    What I would do probably is take a break and not talk to him for some time. Give yourself some time to think things through.
    Hugs. Keeps us posted.

    Reply

  11. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think it’s such a constant fear for so many of us going through fertility problems (not to mention all the issues marriages will always have) that a wedge will come between us and our spouce. I don’t know what to say, not that there is anything we can say to make it better…there isn’t really a “better” here. But We’ll be here to support whatever you decided.

    I know what you mean about people mistaking bashing for supporting. When I had problems with Hubby, it only made me feel worse when people gave me the “I’m on your side” schpeal. Don’t be afraid to vent, cry, laugh (hey, it may come), scream, or just wallow in the numb for a while.

    Reply

  12. […] I glance back at my posts, some stick out to me as especially funny, witty, powerful or insightful.  Most though, are a lot of aimless drivel of one complaint or another.  I can see […]

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