Don’t Make Fun of My Emo Music

A couple songs that keep repeating on my iTunes…

Ignore the fact that they come from the Twilight soundtrack….

Honestly, I’m not sure what the lyrics are… I just know the beat, the music tonality… reflects where I am. Depressed Frenzy. Muted Scream. Composed Panic.

One moment, I think this is no biggie. We have survived SO MUCH. H’s seizures and subsequent job loss in our first year of marriage. Infertility. Miscarriage. If we can survive all those things, we can survive this.

Plus I’m a stubborn son-of-a-gun. I refuse to give up. I refuse to be another BS statistic of “when parent’s divorce, their kids have an X likelyhood of getting divorced themselves”.

When we got married, we specifically chose to include in our vows “’til death parts us”. NOT “’til shit hit-ith the fan”.

We are going to see a therapist. Probably lots of them. We WILL work through this.

And I feel calm, and ok.

And then I think about him touching me. Just to hold my hand, or give me a hug. And I feel like vomiting. It’s a good thing I haven’t eaten in… oh… 12ish hours. Because I’ve had to run to the bathroom. It’s this visceral reaction. I probably should invest in some Gato.rade if this keep up.

How do we even begin?

We talked for hours this morning, until my phone battery died. We both acknowledge we have a serious communication problem when it comes to sex, what we need and want. We are both committed to fixing this.

I just don’t know what that looks like.

I’m not sure if I’m committed to fixing this just because I don’t want to be alone, or because I don’t want to be 26 and divorced, or because I’m scared I’ll never have children. Those are all bad reasons.

I just don’t know.

I am so thankful for all my amazing, loving, generous friends. Those IRL who have talked with me for hours. Those on here in computer-land… all your comments have choked me up with love and gratitude for your support. I’m also thankful for a certain someone who shall remain nameless (you know you are!) for kicking my butt a little and basically forcing me to contact me priest. Which I promise to do as soon as I post this.

I guess it’s like, with the news from H, I got hit with this icy water… that not only affecting my marriage, but also really hit my faith. Like I just needed to step back from it all. I have always been that person who dug deep into faith and religion and theology. I laugh when I think about the child I was who, after reading the “kids Bible” which was basically a picture book with various often-quoted passages interspersed, I would admonish my mom for swearing or something and saying “that’s a sin!!!”… I have always taken my faith seriously. I was the teenager who thought it would be cool to go into monastic living except I was Protestant and Protestants don’t have monasteries… But now, right now, I have no drive to seek out my church, my faith. I have put all I have into my marriage, into my faith, into the pursuit of a child, and I’m just exhausted.

(maybe because I haven’t slept?)

I just have nothing left to give.

But I also know my friend is right. As I reach out to my various support groups (this blog, my childhood friends) I need to reach out to my Church as well.

Can’t somebody do that for me?

***UPDATE: after reading some of your comments I just wanted to clarify: I am GLAD I was encouraged to contact me priest, it’s not like anyone is really “making” me do that totally against my will. I could see how that could be mistaken, but as difficult and awkward as it was (I emailed my priest) I also know that including him will be beneficial in the long run.

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9 responses to this post.

  1. I really wish that this works out for you the way you want and the way that will make you the most happy and fulfilled. Just want you to know there’s someone in computer land thinking of you and wishing you the best.

    Reply

  2. Hey hon, just catching up. I’m so sorry. 😦
    Breathe. Everything you’re feeling is justified and normal. I don’t know when you’re husband is coming home, but I’m assuming it’ll be a little while.
    Remember that you don’t have to make ANY decisions right now. Not one. Yes, talk to your priest, your friends, us here in blog land.
    But breathe. Something like this is a process. Don’t try to figure out what you’re feeling right now. It’s a jumble. And that’s ok. If talking to your husband right now upsets you, then don’t talk to him right now. If anyone is pressuring you to make big moves or decisions, ignore them.
    At least for the next few days, grieve, process, and feel your feelings. Eventually your head will clear and you’ll understand what’s best for you. For now, take care of YOURSELF. Screw everything and everyone else.
    Sending you huge hugs!

    Reply

  3. Posted by babycrazykiwi on August 31, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    I second what Mo says. Sending much love from the land Kiwis!

    Reply

  4. Oh gawd this just makes me heartsick for you. I’ve been close enough to this to have some notion of the nightmare. I know you’ve got a lot of hard work ahead of you. I know from here on, nothing will be the same even if it eventually all works out. I know if you want BOTH want it to, it CAN all work out. And I’ll admit, I’m impressed that he told you (and so quickly at that). He would seem to be owning the fuck-up at the very least. This is very telling and very important.

    Pay close attention to your own needs (be it support, solitude or escapism) and make sure they are filled. Know we are thinking of you.

    Reply

  5. Oh hon I’ve just caught up, I’m sorry you’re going through all this, what a horrible conversation (and fallout, of course) to have.
    Scarey how intuitive Itunes is at times.

    Hang in there, go with it, and please be good to yourself. Sending lots and lots of lovelyvibes over

    Reply

  6. Please know that I’m thinking of you. Again, take all the time you need.

    Reply

  7. Just wanted to let you know that you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I agree completely with what Mo said…just let your emotions flow and don’t try to figure out what you’re feeling or what you should do. That time will come soon enough but right now you need to take care of YOU.
    (((HUGS)))

    Reply

  8. I was divorced at 25. It sucked. It still sucks. But it did not break me.

    I also know plenty of people who have gone through something like this and come out stronger.

    Everyone’s story is different. It says something that H came to you and confessed. That he’s sorry. If he didn’t care about you/your relationship, he wouldn’t be sorry.

    Just remember, cheating is NOT black and white. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is a load of crap.

    Email me if you want. I’m pretty good at this stuff. Or… Mo and I were trying to find you on facebook, but there are too many people with your name, and too many of them have privacy settings.

    Reply

  9. Working on it is hard, scary and going to take a long time. I know what you mean about “I’m not sure if I’m committed to fixing this just because I don’t want to be alone, or because I don’t want to be 26 and divorced, or because I’m scared I’ll never have children. Those are all bad reasons” I wondered about all that when Hubby and I were working on things…and whether his reasons were in that category. Or if we were both just too stubborn to give up and maybe we should have? We really dont bring out the best in each other, but we made that commitment and we do love each other (even when we dont like each other). You’ll always wonder a bit but you just have to go with your gut.

    “Logic” and society told me that I should have left him, but my gut told me that if I didn’t try I would never forgive myself and I’d never be able to trust another man again. Plus I think our generation is too familiar with the easy way out. We dont work hard enough on our marriages because we know we can get out of them.

    If it doesn’t work, you can at least know it wasn’t because you just gave up and ran.

    Reply

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