Finding the silver lining in my paranoia

Here it is, 11:30…. sheesh where does the day go????  OK, so I had kind of a crappy morning, but stick with me and I think you too shall find the happiness 🙂

Sometimes, I can be kind of…. paranoid.  I think the thing that separates me from the the REAL paranoid folks is that I don’t let my paranoia stop me from going about my normal daily life.

I don’t know if it’s just that I’m missing Hubster, of the fact that he is back out on a fire, or what but this morning, I couldn’t shake this mental freak out that something was (or already had) happened to him.  And if that wasn’t bad enough, it happened the entire morning through church service.  Here was my train of thought…. (roughly)

How would I find out?  Who would call me?  Or would they contact a local Chaplain to come tell me?  How would I react?  Hysterics?  How would I plan a funeral, I don’t know anything about planning funerals.  What would I do after?  Would I totally isolate myself?  Would I try to smother the pain with drugs or alcohol or sex?  Or would I go the opposite direction and join a monastic order (strange as that sounds, as a kid I often thought it would be cool to be a nun, except Protestants don’t have monastic orders, and I knew I wasn’t Catholic, so I figured it wasn’t really an option for me.)  Or would I somehow work through the pain and loss and someday remarry and try to start a family with someone new?  Of crap, why am I thinking about this????  Where are we in the service?  Oh ya, ok…. *singing along* I really suck, why can’t I focus today?  And why am I worrying, worrying and wondering about what I would do and feel wouldn’t change or somehow “prepare” me for it if it did happen.  Of but what if it did happen?!?!  How would I find out?  Who would call me?  etc. etc. ad nauseum

And the thing was, not only was I unable to focus, I was welling up.  Having a psychosomatic response to these hypothetical situations.  I was really frustrated with myself but couldn’t get my head out of this weird spiral.

Then, after the service, our Priest was having a kind of informal “class”, just sitting down with inquirers and Catechumens and going over some general Orthodox Theology, and he mentioned that sin is really our fear of our mortality.  A baby isn’t sinful.  A child that doesn’t know any better isn’t sinful.  But when we say “I must have x or accomplish x before I die” then we sin.  Because, as Christians, we believe that there is more beyond death, and that we should not fear death…. I don’t know if I’m saying this right, but it really helped me to put my fears in perspective.  That even if something DID happen to Hubster, and I had to live the rest of my life without him, and without children, I know that there are more important things then getting to have that experience (as amazing as that would be and I very much want it)  Even now as I’m typing this I feel like this is coming out all wrong, like the memory is already hazy or fuzzy even though it was less then 12 hours ago.

I guess, regardless of what was actually said and how I made the jump and applied it to my life, it suddenly wrenched me out of my paranoid spiral and squarely back into what is important.  And that is my faith.

So, even if you don’t believe what I believe, my happy moment is the fact that I got out of that crappy head space.  And am in a MUCH better head space now.

On a totally random side now, I didn’t have time last night but I wanted to say a mini  review for The He.lp.  I guess I was expecting a much more “chick flick” type movie, and while it does center on women, it is really a statement about what was going on in that time period, about standing up for what you believe in even when everyone else tells you to sit down.  And without giving too much away… there is a character that deals with infertility.  And I totally cried.  To think of dealing with what any of us have had to deal with… unable to get pregnant, or getting pregnant and losing the pregnancy, at a time when ALL you were expected to do was make babies and have dinner on the table, and there was absolutely NO place to talk about your loss and depression… as isolated as we feel, how devastating it would be to have to go through all this back then.  Anyway, the inclusion of that made me love the movie.

Also there was a preview for a movie called The Odd Li.fe of Tim.othy Gre.en, that looks to be about a couple struggeling with infertility that magically get a son…. and while it looks like a kids movie, I’m intrigued to see it. It’s great that infertility is getting some more time in movies… and showing the heartache and loss.  And how common it is.  Maybe someday soon we wont be so taboo 🙂

Day 4 of 100 Days of Happiness.  😛

11:58, just got it all in!


2 responses to this post.

  1. Exactly. 🙂

    (voice of Dana Carvey as the Church Lady): Now, *who* could it be who would want to distract you during liturgy???


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