Solitary in Seattle

(See what I did there, a play on the movie title?  Only instead of Sleepless, I put Solitary?  Of course I’m technically in Tacoma but… nothing started with “T”)

Many of you know that I have three adorable doggies.  While I do not (and never have) really considered them “fur kids”***, I guess in some ways they have been.  I have always stated that my dogs are my dogs, not kids, and I love them but I am still their owner and they are still my pet.  I have also always stated that their quality of life is my responsibility.

Our oldest dog, Radar, came to us when he was 9.  He is Glen’s father, I had become good friends with the breeder and she was retiring Radar and looking for a good home for him and asked me if I knew of anyone.  I volunteered to take him, and he fit into our home like he had always been a part of it.  Since he had been a show dog he has always been amazingly well behaved and mellow.  We really couldn’t have asked for a great dog.  However, now Radar is 12.  With sever arthritis bilaterally on his stifles (similar to human knees), and arthritis in his upper back.  He is currently on 25mg Rymadil (a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory, or NSAID) twice a day, plus Glucoasmine, Chondroiten, MSM, Fish Oil, and Yucca root.  We were doing acupuncture back in Colorado, but since we aren’t working we just cannot afford to begin it again.  But the fact is even with the medication, and alternative therapies, his pain was never really completely under control.  And even if we could get completely manage his pain, he is beginning to have incontinence issues.  When he sleeps he will often… “leak”.  It started with teeny little puddles, and slowly became larger and more frequent.  He has had a number of large accidents on our bed.  And I have been trying to keep him out, by closing the door, but that just means he has them in the kennel and lays in it, soaking his fur, and I have to give him a bath.  Incontinence issues can be difficult, often coming with even worse side effects.

It is not a good quality of life.

So Hubster and I have decided that this month is time to say goodbye to our “old man”.  It was really hard, we have been discussing whether or not to make this decision for months.  But now that it is made, while I do feel sad, I also feel relieved.  It breaks my heart to see him in pain and unaware.  Since it’s the beginning of the month with rent and a lot of bills, we have to wait a week or so to be able to afford it.  So it’s giving me time to say goodbye, get lots of hugs and cuddles and pets with him.

While it was absolutely the right decision to make, in some ways it feels like it’s just adding to my loneliness.  I slept half the day away today… I’ve been eating really random crap… yes,yes, all classic signs of depression.

I know, I need to to get out.  Every evening I tell myself I’m going to get up at a reasonable hour, I’m going to make myself a healthy breakfast, I’m going to take my dogs to the park, I’m going to read some of my new books, I’m going to seriously job hunt, I’m going to make myself healthy lunches and dinners.

And my alarm goes off, I take my BBT…. and go back to sleep. *facepalm* I drag myself out of bed, walk the dogs briefly so they can go to the bathroom, then back upstairs, pick through my limited fridge, eat something random, feed dogs, collapse on couch until my stomach rumbles for lunch.  Eat something stupid easy and random, walk dogs, collapse back on couch while staring blankly at TV until stomach rumbles for dinner. Washing, rinse, repeat.  I have made it out for a few things, things that people are waiting for me to show up for.  Bible Study yesterday morning, watched a movie with my friend K yesterday evening, went to Vespers at Church tonight.  But it’s like those little 1-2 hour appointments take all the energy I have.

And, well, this entire post just sounds incredibly winy.  Ugh, why do you guys even read this drivel?    I swear, eventually I will start writing better posts.  But for now, I’m just trying to be honest about where I’m at.  And where I’m at this week just blows.  Here’s hoping I can get my act together and get my head on straight in the next day or so.  I’m sure the first step is getting to bed at a reasonable time which is…. about now.  Well, really was an hour or two ago.  Oh crap!  How did it get to midnight???

***I know many of you do have pets you call your fur kids.  I don’t judge you for feeling that way!  I have just never been comfortable using that terminology for myself.

 

*******UPDATE: I just realized it’s actually only 11… apparently my laptop was still on Colorado time…. Blonde moment…. *blush*

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3 responses to this post.

  1. omg, this must have been such a hard decision… lots of respect to you for making it!

    Reply

  2. I hate it when I have to make decisions like that. I actually read your post at 4:15am when Em decided she needed a walk. It made me appreciate her relative youthfulness.

    I hope your week gets better. If I lived closer, I would definitely come and give you a big hug (and bring cookies!).

    Reply

  3. I can relate to these days, sometimes there’s no energy left and you kind of just wait the day out. And I’m sorry to hear about your dog, seems like he has been a good match in your house. Heartbreaking but a good decision at the same time.

    Reply

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