Oh so THAT is why I have been craving crap food.

Hello CD1

Ugh.

Bloating, cramping, and of course the bleeding.  It’s a regular ol’ par-tay.

In response to Mo’s subliminal messaging, I decided to make tea.  It is perfection.  Earl Grey with a little almond milk and raw sugar and a square of white chocolate.

In other news, Hubster is still in Colorado, still not working.  I haven’t found work yet.  Thank goodness for savings.

All the places are either way to long of a commute or looking for someone with years and years of experience which I don’t have.  So I’m thinking that maybe I just need to see about finding an internship for about 6 months or so.  Sure, it’s not a paycheck but it would help me to refresh my skills and having more experience to put on my resume.  However, here is my dilemma:

So, let’s say I do this internship (or heck, let’s go for gold, imagine I get my dream job) and I work for about 6 months or so.  Hopefully in the next 6-9 months we will get me pregnant.  So then I will be working for a few months (or looking for work while pregnant and while it is illegal to discriminate, proving you were not hired due to your pregnancy is almost impossible usually) and then will go on maternity leave which is about 2-3 months.  Assuming Hubster finds work, the means both of us working means putting baby in daycare.  Well, the cost of daycare (especially for infants) is very expensive, and as a veterinary technician I cannot really expect to make more then about $15 per hour, at least for a while (that’s being generous, I’m hoping to get a job making $10-12 per hour with my limited experience)  VT’s at the top of their game in this area make about $18 per hour.  But let’s assume that in the time it takes I can qualify to make $15 per hour.  Well, a halfway decent babysitter in this area will want $10+ per hour, and a nanny would expect to make more in the $15-20 range.  See the problem?  I would be making just enough money to pay for child care.  So what is the point?  Why don’t I just find some halfway decent job for now, make some money, build up our savings, and accept the fact that I will be a SAHM?  Which is what I’ve always wanted all along anyway.  Maybe once kiddo is a bit older I will want to work again, most likely part time though.  And after taking so much time off when the baby is really little I am bound to lose my skills and have to start all over interning etc.

(When I refer to skills I mean my ability to draw blood, restrain animals, take radiographes, analyze fecal, urine and blood samples – all things that I can read about until I’m blue in the face but unless you do them on a consistent basis you become very slow at them)

I have tried to talk about this stuff with Hubster but he kind of keeps putting it off.  I think he doesn’t want to face the fact that we are paying student loans on all that schooling for me to potentially not really use it… which I hate the idea as well, but this feels like where things will logically go.

Then there is the other side of my brain saying we may never get/stay pregnant to have a biological child and could very well end up pursuing adoption in which case I better be working and making money and saving it and setting it aside, and the process of adoption can take years so when I do finally need to take maternity leave, it may not be for several years in which case I should continue doing whatever I need to do for my career.

And these stupid cramps are killing me.  Stupid period….  Sorry, they are just really intense and messing with my ability to concentrate.

A friend of mine did point out a job opportunity that would make decent money… but it’s not really in my vet field…. not really at all.  So do I go where the money is?  Do I go where my schooling is?

Maybe I should just stay home and drink tea.

Yea, I’m going to go with the later.  At least for today.

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10 responses to this post.

  1. relax! The worst thing you can do is plan ahead for an assumed baby. Just think about financial stability and your happiness. Figure out the baby part when you get there. Otherwise you’ll be setting yourself up for disappointment…

    Reply

    • I absolutely know you are right, and I did end up having a long chat with Hubster today finally. I think it was just really helpful to get my thoughts out. I did decide to move forward with finding an internship part time to work on my skills, and look for a part time job to help bring in some money. Best of both worlds, eh?

      Reply

  2. i’m so sorry for the tough decisions you are facing. it’s always hard to know whether to pursue something or put something on hold because of the big “what if/IF”. hoping you find the path that is the best thing for you both, for the present moment, and for what is hopefully a child-filled future sooner than later.

    Reply

  3. As much as I hate the word ‘relax’, particularly in the context of IF, Mo has it about right. You can’t live your life holding back on decision making just because of a maybe-baby. This was one of the absolute hardest things for me to come to terms with. We had put off all kinds of things…looking for a new home, taking a vacation, work advancements, in the off chance that we might get a for real pregnancy. Life it meant to be lived, and while I SO GET the desire/inclination to plan for every possible contingency,

    I want to remind you of something important… (and I only share this because I know that you are a woman of faith)

    God’s name is ‘I AM’. God’s name is not ‘I was’ or ‘I will be’. As hard as it is, try to stay in this moment. It’s where you will be most likely to encounter God’s plan for all of this.

    (And please forgive me if I overstepped)

    Reply

    • I do very much try to not put my life on hold just “in case”, sometimes it helps just to vent it out on here, collect my thoughts and work through them.
      I appreciate the Christian perspective, definitely didn’t overstep 🙂 I know many women find infertility a strain on their faith, but for me it is the strength keeping me sane and whole. While blogging is a great way to find support from other women dealing with ALI, it is especially helpful to connect with ALI women who support me in my faith.

      Reply

  4. In response to your question on my blog… 🙂

    HP was born on July 31, 1980 accordng to JKR. It fits with when she started writing (he would have been 11 in 1991).

    And yup, I’m that geek.

    Reply

  5. is it possible to move closer to a job – to shorten the commute?

    Reply

    • Not really. We just moved into our apartment less then a month ago, and have signed a year contract. Even if we didn’t have the contract for our apartment, I am so exhausted, there is no way in HELL I’m packing up everything to do it again lol 🙂 I’m sure I will find something, I think I’m just overwhelmed with a lot and job hunting just feels super-uber-daunting.

      Reply

  6. I know what you mean
    job search is always frustrating

    Reply

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