Dreams, Drugs and Drama

I would like to start my post with a description of last nights dream.

I lived in some kind of sci-fi world, where I lived in community in some viking-type castle (mostly I have some image of a long wooden table that we all sat around and ate at) and wore viking-type-period clothes.  However, I could still drive a car, and there was video chatting (but not cell phones?).  Facebook was writing in chalk on a tiny giraffe, like seen in DirectTV commercials.  (For those of you who are not from the States, or those who thought the commercial was just plain funny, here is a link to it on youtube)  The scenery had gently rolling hills, scrubby grass…. and that’s about it.  I was trying to sell my friend Khimmy’s extra pair of riding boots for her (random?!) and somehow in the dream I was guilted into staying in Colorado and not moving to Washington  I woke up in a PANIC, heart racing and the whole nine yards!

Now, I tend to have incredibly bizarre dreams, and I don’t tend to wast a lot of time trying to decide what my dreams “mean”, but it felt like something interesting to share with you guys.  I’ve been laughing about it all day.

So, other then that, I just did a lot of errands today.  I washed all THREE of my dogs, got new headlights for my car and ordered the catalytic converter it needs before our road trip, I upgraded my phone finally (hello iPhone!), picked up some hangers, worked on laundry and packed away all my work scrubs.  All fairly standard stuff, doesn’t exactly make for scintillating blog-post material.

I keep thinking about the appointment on the 11th.  Trying to think of what to ask, trying to anticipate what they may want to do.  I feel like the Clomid, even when I was taking 150mg a day, didn’t really have a very strong effect, I really only ever had 1 good looking follicle, or maybe once there was 2 small follicles per cycle.  So I want to try something else, or in addition to, Clomid.  I know many of you have suggested things in the past but it would be awesome if you would recommend it to me again here!  I am not worried about injections, so I’m willing to try them if you think they would  make a big difference in our chances.  (It’s weird, I am a bit of a needle-phobe, but really it is with getting my blood drawn.  I think because they have to fish around for my vein?  But an IM or SubQ injection seems so blase lol!)  I can’t believe that in exactly 1 week my dad will be here, our Budget truck will be already loaded up for the next morning (hopefully!), I will have said my last goodbyes to my Colorado friends, I will have cleaned the house (scary… I don’t want to think about that right now!)

On one final note… my mom is driving me insane.  I know she is excited for me to come out, but I feel like she is already planning every spare second to be together, and that’s not going to happen.  I think what annoys me the most is that she doesn’t ask “Hey, do you want to spend that weekend together?”  she says “I’ll do whatever you want to do, we can unpack and decorate or go to your cousins baby shower…  As long as we are together, that’s what matters.  I just want to spend time with my daughter”  It makes me want to gag, it’s all sugary and smothering.  Growing up my mom instilled in me the importance of being an independent woman.  And it seems like now that I am one, she wants me to be 8 years old again so she can braid me hair and talk to me in the weird cooing baby voice.

I also get frustrated that when I tell her things (like the fact that we decided that Hubster should continue fighting fire for the summer) she immediately jumps to the conclusion that something is wrong in our marriage.  And gets all freaked out and ready to jump to my defense when the fact is,we are FINE.  We agreed MUTUALLY on this.  I know she has had 2 failed marriages, but sometimes it makes me feel like she is expecting us to get a divorce and I don’t know how to make it any clearer to her that for many reasons, including out religion, divorce is not an option for us.  (Unless Hubster started beating me or something… divorce is allowed in Orthodoxy but it is within certain parameters.  They don’t think people should get married or divorced casually)  Mostly I’m just tired of her putting her issues on us.

I have been trying to figure out how to address these issue.  But when I try to be tactful she doesn’t seem to get what I’m saying, and then if I’m blunt she gets all super-offended.  What is a girl to do???  And it doesn’t help that it’s usually later in the evening so I’m tired and spacey, so I don’t really think of how much she is bugging me until after I get off the phone and then I’m like “Wait a minute….”

I feel like if I tried emailing her, then she will call me up (again in this weird, slightly high pitched sugary voice) and say “Oh I completely understand” when, in fact, her actions do not change so it makes me think she does not, in fact, understand.

It sounds weird, but I’m looking forward to being able to deal with these issues in person, because phone and email just do not seem to work.

Sometimes I stop and think about how messed up my mother/daughter relationship is and am terrified that my kids will feel that way some day.  And that freaks me out even more than last nights dream did!


3 responses to this post.

  1. Hey – in reply to your comment to me…
    (1) Aren’t you still commenting on my blog with a blogger account? Or not? I can’t email you back, and I don’t know what your personal email is, sorry.
    (2) I have no idea why you can’t follow comments? Probably something to do with which method you’re using to comment.
    (3) I know you can reply to individual comments with wordpress, but to see that you’re doing that, i have to subscribe to every other comment that gets posted on the post, so i don’t ever subscribe (my inbox just gets too overwhelming with irrevelant stuff then). I try to remember to check back if I think it’s something you’d have commented back to me on.


  2. Metformin. Really. 🙂 Therapeutic dose is 1500-2000 mg/day.

    Also, I’ve found talk therapy to help immensely with the worrying about my issues with my mother making their way into my relationships with my daughters.


  3. I can’t give you any tips on the drugs, but I can give you my experience with mothers. My mom and I are incredibly close – but there are so many times that I just want to choke her because she just gets too involved or controlling. I let it be, because I know she does it out of love. I’m sure my (hopefully) future daughter(s) will feel the same about me. It’s the price mothers pay for loving their children, I think. So i put aside my frustration and let it be. The woman is 62 – there’s no point in trying to change her. You know what I mean?


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