When You Say Nothing At All

The title of today’s post is “my” husband and I’s song.  The first song we danced to when we were first dating… maybe we weren’t even officially dating?  But Hubster specifically picked that song to play on his computer and asked me to dance.  It was our first dance song at our wedding.  And while it sounds callous from the title, it is really talking about knowing the other person so well that you know how they are feeling and thinking without them having to say anything.

A couple weeks back I had suggested to Hubster that if he wanted, he could stay in Colorado and fight fire for the season and join me in Washington in the fall.  We quickly dismissed the idea since he wouldn’t have a place to say and moved on, and I had basically forgotten it.  Then Sunday night, when I was having a particularly down evening, Hubster asked me if I was still open to the idea.  I’ll be honest, I burst into tears.  Luckily I can cry silently so I don’t think he knew, I just told him I needed to think and get back to him.  All Monday I thought and prayed and discussed it with friends.  I was hurt, feeling abandoned and betrayed for his “mistress” of firefighting.  So when we spoke tonight on the phone, I felt I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and felt I knew exactly how the conversation would play out and what the end result would be.

Boy was I wrong.

I told him how I felt (calmly!) and I told him that I wanted him to want to come with me on the move.  (One of those crazy girl concepts, I know)  He told me he was sorry, and was a little confused since I had originally come up with the idea (hello, women change our minds all the time!?  We’re crazy like that) and went on to explain that a lot of it was that this is a major career opportunity for him; and he is making really good money right now, he has some “job security” with all the wildfires at the moment and that if the season continues as it is currently we could make our annual income within a 3-5 month period.

*DING!* (that’s the sounds of something clicking in my brain, in case you were thinking the microwave was done or something)

If Hubster is fighting fire and making good money, that gives me time to find a job that really fits, not just take whatever I can get.  It means money to afford IUI treatments.  Money for Hubster to fly out and visit once a month (to see me, and deposit a sample to the local fertility doctor’s freezer)  Even if Hubster was fighting fire in the same state as me, we would only be seeing each other once a month anyway.  So… somehow we mutually made the decision that he will drive out to WA with me but leave his truck behind in CO.  Help me unpack then fly back to Colorado, and most likely stay with someone from our church as a sort of “base camp” when he is not on a fire.  If at any time I am feeling depressed or overwhelmed, he will pack up and move out to WA (as long as he isn’t in the middle of a fire of course)

I had a lot of fears about him not coming with me, that it would be like back in September/October, but this is so different.  This is planned(ish).  This time he isn’t locked in a lease so is able to come out if I need him.  This time I’m not reeling from intense depression due to my miscarriage.  And this time… we will be able to pursue fertility treatments.

I have to say, it is a little weird to realize I am going to try to get knocked up while my husband is out of the state.  50 years ago there would have been a lot of raised eyebrows (Heck, I’m sure that there will still be some people who jump to the wrong conclusion!) but I also know that this is really common.  When people’s spouses travel for work, they often have to utilize IUI’s to get pregnant even if they do not have a medical diagnosis of infertility.

I have to say, it seems like God answered my prayers.  I was so set, so determined that Hubster would NOT be staying in Colorado, and yet somehow in the course of a single conversation I was fine with it, at peace with it, heck- even a little excited about getting to TTC!


On a final note, I noticed I received no comments to my post on Sunday.  Sometimes when my readers say nothing at all… it tells me my writing probably didn’t really reach them.  Or even scared or offended them?  So with that in mind, I will try to keep my eating disorder discussion to a minimum.  I still want to “journal” the book stuff on here, for myself, but I will try to keep such posts shorter and at the end of a more infertility-relevant post so that those who do not wish to read that stuff don”t have to feel like they got smacked in the face with it.


11 responses to this post.

  1. Nope I’m here reading, but don’t necessarily comment on every single post on the blogs I follow. Also ICLW has been going on and have been making a special effort to go to non-followed blogs as last time I just commented on existing blogs.
    Did read the ED post though and will have read others that maybe didn’t get comments.

    Its a weird feeling, isn’t it, when you feel like you just poured yourself into a blogpost and . . . nada. I dunno, whats the solution? I notice if there’s no comments but don’t dwell on it until there’s a few consecutive non-comments, then get a bit “hmmmmm . . . grrrrrrr” for about 5 mins then think ‘well who am I writing for anyway?’ managed about 6 months when first started blogging with zero comments at all.
    But we’re all different and what works for me probably no work for you 🙂


    • It’s funny, I’ve been taking a break from ICLW until after the move, I totally forgot what the date was! I think it was just surprising, since normally a get at least one comment or something from someone. Perhaps I was just a bit oversensitive since I was dealing with 1-a topic that was off the infertility topic, 2-a topic I still have difficulty talking about. Agreed, I do this blog for myself, and that’s why I put that I would continue to talk about it to some degree. Please don’t think I expect folks to comment on every post, it just surprised me a bit I guess. Enjoy ICLW, it is such a great resource!


  2. I’m here reading but the same as above, not commenting on every post.

    And this is great news, being able to afford fertility treatments! It’s really tough living in a long-distance relationship though. I did it for 9month before moving over to UK.


    • We actually have done some long distance in our dating relationship, and we have many friends with spouses in the military, so luckily we have a lot of good skills to handle distance. Of course that doesn’t make it EASY, but easier. And thankfully it will only be for a few months 🙂


  3. That’s awesome that you’ll get to pursue fertility treatments now!! I got knocked up in Denver while my hubby was working in North Dakota, so I feel ya on the bizarreness of it all. 🙂


  4. I read your Sunday post (hello! I read all of your posts), but I didn’t quite know what to say about it. It felt very personal and important. I’ve had a few posts like that when I feel I am touching on something deep….and no one responds. I think that people of often afraid to respond the the harder posts. That being said…..

    It sounds like you have an amazing plan! What a great opportunity for you both (financially, as well as personally) to take this leap. I know it will be hard to have an LDR for a while, but it sounds like the benefits will make it worthwhile.

    As soon as you get to WA…find a good RE and ask about their policies about “traveling husbands”. My RE was very good at accommodating schedules (she once did an IUI at 3am for a traveling couple). But, I know many REs who have very rigid schedules about this sort of thing.

    Have a great day!!!


    • You read all my posts?! Wow. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to get your posts to deliver to my email box, that’s the easiest way for me to keep on top of posts as they happen 🙂

      I actually was up all night (thank you insomnia) researching fertility clinics and found one that looks really promising, and have an appointment set up for Monday the 11th! I’ll write a post on it later… I think the plan is to just put some of Hubster’s sperm in the freezer so it will be around whenever I ovulate, but it’s definitely something we will discuss in the appointment.


  5. Posted by babycrazykiwi on June 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Hey hun…definately reading and thought it was great what you shared about your eating issues (Probably read that one on the run hence no comment). I’m glad you and hubby have come to an agreement you can both live with. All the best with the move 🙂


  6. sounds like a great plan!
    isn’t it wonderful when lines of communication are so clear and open between the two loving hearts? You spoke – and everything became fine. That’s one of the most precious things – hold on to this guy!!!


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